Learning to Love
by SCLindseySC
Summary: Now a freshman at Pembroke College, Lucy Camden struggles with her memories of past trauma and the resulting eating disorder. Meeting and dating Derek Stewart gives her a new perspective on life and love. Will be updated after reviews of later chapters.
1. Chapter 1:Hi, I'm Derek

Lucy Camden took a deep breath and zipped her backpack closed. She glanced at her clock and realized that she should hurry or she would be late for class. She slung her backpack over one shoulder and headed out the door of her dorm room. As Lucy walked from her dorm on the east end of PEMBROKE COLLEGE to Daly Hall where most of the social sciences courses were taught she thought about her family back home in California and wondered what they were doing. Then she laughed a little realizing that it would only be 5 am in California and they were probably all still sleeping. Lucy opened the heavy door to Daly Hall and dashed up the stairs to the 2nd floor auditorium where her psychology course met. She settled into a seat in the back of the auditorium and removed a notebook and pen from her backpack. Her mind wandered and again she found herself thinking about her family. She wondered if she was really making a big mistake by trying to go to college in the northeast. She supposed it wouldn't have been a mistake if she had been doing it for the right reasons. Yet, in her heart she knew she wasn't.

Their guest lecturer started in and Lucy tried to focus on lecture. Dr. Stewart discussing the psychology of addictions, diagramming a framework on the overhead which Lucy was dutifully copying when all of the sudden she felt something sharp and painful on her thigh. Involuntarily she yelped in pain before realizing that the guy next to her had knocked his coffee over into her lap. The entire class turned to see what the commotion was and Dr. Stewart stopped mid-diagram.

In that instant Lucy wished she could disappear, instead she mumbled "It's ok" to her coffee spilling neighbor and mopped at her jeans with the napkins he had handed her. Lecture resumed.

At the conclusion of lecture her neighbor extended his hand, "I'm Derek, I really am sorry about before. May I pay to have your clothing cleaned," he offered.

"Uh, it's fine really" Lucy stammered, standing up and slinging her backpack over her shoulder.

Derek followed her out of the auditorium. "Are you sure? Well then how about if I treat you to breakfast?" he offered.

"Really it's fine and I have a 9:15 anyway," Lucy lied and darted down the stairs and out of the building before Derek could say anything else.

Outside in the quad Lucy caught her breath. She knew what Mary would say if she had witnessed their interchange. But Mary was wrong everything would be fine once she reached her goal weight. Yet, as Lucy trudged back to her dorm she realized she was less and less certain of that every day. She unlocked the door to her room and collapsed on her bed.

Lucy longed to talk to a familiar voice, she almost picked up the phone to call her mom but she realized it wasn't even 7am yet in California. Instead she buried her face in her pillow and tried to escape into sleep. She slept soundly until well into the afternoon, right through lunch and barely woke up in time to make it to her 4pm statistics course. After class she was again walking back to her dorm debating whether or not she would eat dinner. She was so involved in her own internal dialogue she barely saw the guy in front of her until she had walked right into him. Books went flying everywhere It turned out to be Derek from her psychology class. "Uhh sorry I didn't see you," Lucy stammered as Derek picked up both of their books.

Derek chuckled, "Perhaps now we're even. I don't think I caught your name before"

"It's Lucy...Lucy Camden"

Derek extended a hand again and said "well it's nice to meet you Lucy Camden. Are you a freshman"

"Yes." Lucy admitted shyly and looked away.

"I'm a sophomore but I just transferred here this year. Where are you from Lucy?"

"Glen Oak, California"

"Cool, believe it or not I went to UCLA last year. I decided I wanted to be closer to home so here I am"

"Where is home"

"Right here in Pembroke. Yes people do actually live here." Derek joked.

Lucy was silent, she was thinking about her own family. She missed Matt, Simon, Ruthie, and the twins. She even missed Mary. Part of her longed to take the next plane home yet part of her knew she wouldn't be going home for a long time and maybe never. The silence made her uncomfortable and she searched for something else to say. "Do you have a large family?" she finally asked Derek.

"I guess you could say that. One brother, three sisters, and I guess two foster sisters. Sometimes it's hard to keep track,"

"Kind of like our family I guess. I have four brothers and two sisters. Do your parents usually have foster children?"

"Sometimes. They tend to adopt through the foster system, which is how I came to live with them."

"You're adopted?"

"Yes I was thirteen when I first came to live with them. Let's just say it was rough at first and I did some things I'm not proud of but I guess things have a way of working out when you least expect them to," Derek explained.

Lucy pondered what he had said and wondered if that was possible. Would her life ever eventually work out?

"Could I treat you to dinner?" Derek offered. He figured it was the least he could do after the coffee incident. Anyway she was cute in a kind of flustered way.

"Dinner?"

"Sure, there are some nice restaurants not to far from campus. THE OLIVE BRANCH is a kind of Mediterranean Greek restaurant and there is THE MELTING POT a steak house with specialty fondue, or if there is somewhere else you would prefer?" Derek offered

"No really I can't. I have a review session in fact I need to run or I'll be late. Thanks for the offer, maybe some other time." Lucy stammered abruptly turning on her heel and heading briskly across campus.

Derek watched her disappear and then headed to the off campus lot. He couldn't be sure if she was really just a serious student (she had after all been taking notes in class until he spilled his coffee on them) or if she was trying to politely tell him she wasn't interested. As he unlocked his jeep he wondered if he was interested. Derek drove through campus and turned left onto ROUTE 372 and headed back into the city limits of PEMBROKE. He cruised down MAIN STREET past PEMBROKE REGIONAL HOSPITAL where his mother was a physician and finally just past the beginning of the town square he made a right onto LILAC DRIVE and cruised down the tree lined street to 1872. He turned in drove up their rolling driveway and parked in the driveway in front of the front door. He knew his parents weren't impressed with his inability to park in the garage and walk up the driveway like the rest of the family but he still didn't understand how someone could build a mansion without an attached garage. It had almost become a running joke with his parents. Derek lopped across the front and side lawn over to the side patio that surrounded their outdoor inground pool and then went through the french doors into the kitchen. His father never understood why he would park in front of the front door and then come around to the side but the front porch with it's ominous columns and the heavy ornately carved front door that opened into a formal front hall had always intimidated Derek. Plus he could never remember the code to silence the security alarm.

In the kitchen Derek's father Matthew Stewart was preparing dinner with his younger sisters almost 13 year old Danielle and almost 5 year old Kaitlin. Danielle had been not quite 4 when Derek met her and he realized he had been a pretty awful older brother. He'd been short tempered and pulled her hair frequently, he'd even fed her favorite doll to the paper shredder in their father's office. Somehow though Danielle had persevered and continued to love him which at the time had just made him more angry. However, it the long run it had renewed his faith.

"Hi Derek!" Kati called from her perch on one of the kitchen stools at the far island. She was intently shredding lettuce from the garden for salad.

"Hey," Derek returned.

"How was school?" Danielle asked. She was cutting tomatoes and cucumbers Derek presumed for salad. "It was alright," Derek responded noncommittally opening the refrigerator door and pouring himself a glass of milk. He was waiting for his father to mention the little mishap in class but he merely opened the oven door to check on the lasagna. "Well I'll be upstairs." Derek said starting to ascend the kitchen stairs to the east wing of their home where the children's rooms were.

"Actually dinner is just about ready. Why don't you see if Jenny or Laurel are interested in dinner?" his father called after him.

Derek trudged down the long hallway to his room and tossed his backpack on his still unmade bed. Somehow he doubted that Jenny felt up to eating dinner with them or that Laurel would voluntarily. He almost laughed at the irony of the situation. Although Jenny was really his sister Kristin's friend, his father had become her medical guardian and she had lived with their family for a little over a year. She and Derek had become close over the past nine months since he had returned home and he hadn't quite accepted the reality that he couldn't fix her life.

Derek knocked softly on Jenny's door and then crept inside. He crossed the room and sat gently on her bed. A pale, thin face regarded him. "How do you feel?"

"Not well," Jenny's voice was faint.

"Yeah, you don't look like you feel well. What did the doctor say?"

"Well I at least have a kidney infection. I'm going to continue the antibiotics and I go back to see him on Friday"

"You think it's something more too"

"I don't know. I don't want it to be. But I just feel so weak. I needed help to get back to bed after the doctor's appointment"

Derek squeezed her hand, "It will take awhile but you'll be alright," he tried to be encouraging.

Jenny forced a smile. She wanted to believe him.

"Do you feel like eating dinner with us? Or should I bring you something later"

"I'd love to but I probably shouldn't. I'll rest now and try to have something later"

"Ok" Derek said crossing the room to the door. He next knocked on Laurel's door. "Laurel dinner"

"GO Away! I hate you," thirteen year old Laurel screamed. Laurel was his foster sister with an eating disorder who had been with their family since a little over a month ago when the court had taken her from her parents with concerns of medical neglect. Laurel hated them all, or at least she claimed to. She was however enamored with Derek's older sister 22 year old Kristin who was an emergency medicine physician. Laurel thought Kristin was beautiful and Derek hadn't recently heard her as much as raise her voice in Kristin's direction. It seemed like occasionally they even talked. Derek suspected that consistency and discipline were uncommon in her world before and it was an adjustment period for her. However, he still wasn't patient with her. Her venom and nastiness frustrated him and he had been unkind to her at times he was afraid. He noted that Danielle and Kaitilin were kind, loving and forgiving. Much as Kristin and Danielle had been with him he guessed.

Downstairs he joined his father and sisters for dinner where they discussed oboe solos (Kaitlin was in her second year of oboe playing) and soccer. Danielle's varsity soccer team had continued their undefeated season with a win of MARTINVILLE. Danielle had scored 4 goals and had 1 assist. Kaitlin was also a soccer star as one of the leading scorers on the local 8 & under team. His sisters' athletic prowess often amazed Derek yet they like Kristin had seemed to take it for granted. As Danielle had recently explained 'It's not who I am, I was just lucky to have this talent'.

Meanwhile Lucy was sitting alone at a table in the North Dining Hall finishing a dinner of baked potato and boiled chicken. She sat pensively calculating calories in her head. No it was too much she never should have had that roll. Suddenly the remains of her meal revolted her and she hurried to get rid of her tray. As she left the dining hall she began to panic she felt huge and stuffed. Although 10 bites of chicken, half a baked potato, and a small roll might represent a small meal to the normal person to Lucy it seemed like the biggest of binges.

Back in her dorm room Lucy tried to study but it was no use. She opened textbook after textbook but couldn't seem to settle down to study. She hopped up from her desk and grunted through one hundred jumping jacks and two hundred sit-ups. Exhausted she flopped back onto her floor but she still felt like there was food she needed to rid herself of. She was desperate she realized, she needed laxatives. Almost in a trance Lucy grabbed her keys and headed to the dorm lot.

It was a little after nine and completely dark out but safety of the parking lot at night was far from Lucy's mind. As she reached the campus exit onto ROUTE 372 she realized that she really wasn't sure where a grocery store or drug store was. She had actually only had a car on campus for about a week. Her brother had had the car shipped to her as an surprise since she had been instrumental in helping to fix his first car.

Lucy made a left onto ROUTE 372 and drove until she reached a sign telling her she had reached Pembroke City limits. She drove down Main Street past the FIREHOUSE and POLICE STATION and the small EMBURY PARK. She turned left onto FEDERAL AVE. and drove past the PEMBROKE TOWN SQUARE which housed the POSTOFFICE, the County and Town Office Buildings, The Pember Museum & Auditorium, the DSS, the COURTHOUSE, the PEMBROKE COMMUNITY CENTERE, and several posh restaurants. She drove up FEDERAL AVE. past the square, past the EXECUTIVE PARK OFFICE COMPLEX, past the intersection of TOWER ROAD which led to the WATER TREATMENT FACILITY, the DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC WORKS, the DARIEN CONSTRUCTION COMPANY and the PALMIRA COUNTY JAIL. Once she passed MEMORIAL CEMETERY, FEDERAL AVE turned into ROUTE 372 and passed through the Covered Bridge into the town of DEERING. At this point Lucy realized she had to be hopelessly lost. With fresh tears stinging her eyes she made a U-turn and retraced her steps. As she faced back at Main St. she made a left and proceeded down to where the PEMBROKE CATHOLIC CHURCH was on the corner of CHURCH ST. she turned right there hoping maybe there was a supermarket near the church like at home. Unfortunately she found only the Methodist, Baptist, Presbyterian, Episcopal, and Lutheran churches and what looked like a small cemetery and a small synagogue. She was about to cry anew when she realized that CHURCH ST curved around and she had reached a traffic light. She stopped for the red light and then when it turned green made a left turn onto SUNSET AVENUE. She drove for a little less than a mile and came to a PATHMARK, SUPER TARGET, and CVS DRUGS that were open twenty four hours. Almost giddy she entered the PATHMARK and took a shopping basket. She decided to get some food to keep in her room so she wouldn't have to go to the dining hall and be as tempted by the options there. She selected a bag of apples and a box of plain instant oatmeal. Nothing else looked safe. She then proceeded to the health and beauty aisle and picked up three boxes of her favorite brand of laxatives. She proceeded to an open check out and thumbed through an issue of Cosmo while waiting for her turn to load her items on the conveyer belt. The man behind her, buying pedialyte popsicles and children's Tylenol, looked familiar but Lucy couldn't place him.

It wasn't until she had reached her car that she realized why the man was familiar he had given the lecture in her psychology class. She was sure he had seen her laxatives. She hoped he had no idea what that meant. Eventually Lucy made it back to campus and her dorm. For a second she berated herself for wasting an entire evening searching for laxatives but she took two handfuls anyway.

About five minutes later Lucy was overcome with the usual strong lower abdominal cramps that proceeded the profuse diarrhea. She quickly made it to the bathroom in her suite. Lucy spent most of the next fourhours in and out of the bathroom. Around 5 am she exhaustedly fell into bed and was almost asleep when another wave of cramps came over her. She bolted out of bed and raced back to the bathroom just in time. Usually the symptoms didn't last longer than a few hours, but she guessed she had taken an extra handful of the laxatives perhaps that was why.

Lucy slept through her classes the next day. When she awoke she was angry with herself for missing classes. She had promised herself she wouldn't use laxatives anymore but she had. She screamed inwardly and threw her pillow across the room in disgust. Just then the phone rang. "Hello" Lucy croaked. "Hello Lucy, this is Derek. I'm sure you remember the jerk who spilled his coffee on you"

"Yes," Lucy said and smiled.

"Well after we quite literally ran into each other yesterday I think we got our books a little confused. I seem to have your notebook. I'm sorry I didn't realize it until last night and I tried to call the number inside the front cover a few times last night but I didn't get any answer"

"Oh I guess I must not have heard the phone," Lucy stretched the truth a little.

"Do you need your notebook tonight? I can certainly bring it by if you do or I can just bring it to class in the morning?"

"That would be fine. I'm sorry"

"It's no problem. I will see you in the morning. Bye." Derek finished and hung up the phone. He put Lucy's notebook back in his bag a realized he had just committed himself to making it to eight AM psychology lecture---oh well he thought it was probably good for him. The next morning Derek somehow awoke at four am. He could hear Danielle and Kati getting ready for swim practice which somehow they went to every morning at four am, seven days a week, rain or shine. Derek personally considered their schedule torture perhaps even cruel or unusual punishment. But they both claimed they loved to swim. Kati still aspired to grow up and become a fish and they had both already set some age group records. Danielle had even competed internationally on the US national team. Derek rolled over and tried to go back to sleep as he heard Danielle and Kati going out the door with his dad. Ten minutes later when he was still tossing and turning he gave up.

He got out of bed and wandered down the hall, he peeked into Jenny's room, she seemed to be sleeping, and then continued on downstairs. He was having an early breakfast of cold pizza a few minutes later when his mother came through the door.

"Are you up early or late?" He wondered out loud.

"I guess a little of both. I went back in to put a chest tube in that 5 year old in the burn unit and since I was there I decided to go ahead and change a few lines in the ICU which gives me a few less things to do later this morning." His mother responded. "Did your dad take your sisters to swim?"

"Yeah"

"Is everything alright Derek? I can't remember the last time I saw you wake up before the sun came up"

"I think so. I just couldn't sleep. I was thinking maybe I'd take advantage of the time and get a little studying in of course I've never been able to study on an empty stomach. Would you like some pizza"

"No thanks," his mother finished as his father walked through the door.

"Wow it's like a regular party," Matt Stewart exclaimed as he came through the door.

"Pizza?" Derek offered sliding the plate in his father's direction.

"No thanks. Is everything alright son?"

"Everything is fine," Derek said putting the last piece of pizza in his mouth and sliding the empty plate into one of the two dishwashers in the kitchen.

As Derek started up the stairs to the east wing his parents exchanged glances. Finally Matt asked, "Do you think he's really alright?"

"I'm not sure. I can't remember him ever getting up this early before of course now that he has 8am classes this semester maybe he's working on achieving a more normal sleep schedule," Cynthia suggested optimistically.

"I hope that's all it is. I worry about Derek I think he still carries so much guilt. He's been wonderfully kind and patient with Jenny but I worry about the transference"  
"Now honey remember how you promised not to psychoanalyze the children if you went back and did your PhD"

"You're right. So let's just say I worry about Derek. I'm a dad it's my job"

Just then they heard cries, and screams from upstairs and raced upstairs to realize they were coming from Laurel's room. Cynthia knocked twice on the door and then opened it when there was no response. Laurel's eyes were shut and she was twisting her body into a tight ball and screaming "No! No! No!"

Cynthia gently touched her arm "It's alright Laurel, you're safe here. You're safe in your bedroom, it's alright to open your eyes"

Eventually Laurel did that, she looked around her bedroom with wide eyes and then fell back exhausted onto her pillow. She didn't feel well but she was afraid to tell her foster mother that. Trips to the doctors hadn't been fun lately.

Cynthia gently laid a cool hand across her forehead and noted that her pajamas and bed sheets were damp. She wondered if Laurel was getting sick and the fever had made her nightmares more vivid. As if to answer her question Laurel started to vomit and then to cry.

"Shhh, it's ok. You don't feel well do you?" Cynthia asked pulling Laurel into a gentle hug.

"No. My tummy hurts"

"Ok well let's try to make you a little more comfortable?" Cynthia suggested helping and leading Laurel into one of the upstairs bathrooms that weren't attached to any of the bedrooms. In the bathroom Laurel vomited again and then instinctively laid her head down on the cool tile floor.

Cynthia started filling the bathtub with lukewarm water and helped Laurel to undress and get into the tub. "Is that any better sweetie?" Laurel nodded.

"Ok well why don't you stay there and soak for a minute and I'm going to change the sheets on your bed" Cynthia said collecting Laurel's soiled pajamas off the bathroom floor. She returned to Laurel's room and stripped the bed and carried the sheets and pajamas and some other clothes that were lining the floor of Laurel's room into the laundry room in the east wing, loaded the washer with the clothes and soap and turned it on. She stopped at the hall closet on her way back to Laurel's room and selected a set of light lavender colored sheets and remade the bed before returning to the bathroom to check on Laurel. She ran into Matt in the hallway.

"Is everything alright?"

"I think she's coming down with something. We'll need to keep her home from school again today I suppose. Are you in court all day today?"

"Yes"

"Well thank heavens for your parents and their excellent health." Cynthia said. Fortunately they lived about 30 minutes from the farm where Matt had grown up. Although his father had retired from his work as a state trooper and was farming full time his mother had retired from teaching almost ten years earlier and still loved babysitting for their children. When Jenny had come to live with them she had started coming to their home almost daily. She and Jenny had become close and although Laurel was still busy pushing everyone away Cynthia was sure eventually Laurel would come to love her too.

As Matt left for his morning run, Cynthia went back into the bathroom where Laurel was still lying in the tub. She helped her out of the tub and handed her several towels to dry off with while she rinsed out and sprayed the tub. She tucked Laurel back into bed and took her temperature. She seemed restless and uncomfortable which might be explained by her 103.2 fever. Cynthia returned with some children's Tylenol in medicine cup, "Here maybe if we bring down the fever you'll feel a little better"  
Laurel wrinkled her nose. "Can't I just have the pills?"

"Unfortunately no. This is a safe dose of Tylenol for someone your weight"

Laurel looked displeased but she reached for the cup anyway and swallowed. New tears formed on her lashes. "Do I have to go to the doctor?"

"We'll see I do want to at least talk to your pediatrician. We'll see what he advises"

"I don't want to go"

"I understand that Laurel but we need to make sure you're being taken care of appropriately so you can feel better"

"But you're a doctor. You could take care of me"

"I think you need a doctor you don't live with sweetheart. I'll call Dr. Patrick before I go back to the hospital and see what he thinks. Why don't you try to rest?" Cynthia suggested glancing at her watch. It was approaching six am and Danielle and Kaitlin would be finishing swim practice around 730 so she thought she might head to the health club a little early and swim some laps while they finished their practice. Once Matt returned from his run she went to do that.

Matt headed over to the west wing where their master bedroom suite and the guest room suites were. As he laid out his clothes for the day he chuckled at their installation of an indoor lap pool in the family gym three years ago. The reality was that most of the swimmers of the family still insisted on using the pool at their local health club.

Meanwhile at PEMBROKE COLLEGE Lucy groggily hit the snooze option on her alarm and pulled the covers back up over her face. It was a little after six am and since most of her suite had eight am classes on Friday if she wanted to ensure that she had time for a shower and breakfast she really needed to get up at six but she sleepily rationalized she could sleep a little more since she wouldn't be eating breakfast. Finally at 7:20 after hitting the snooze button at least eight times Lucy dragged herself from her bed and dressed in jeans and a shaker knit sweater. It certainly got cold fast in the northeast she decided. It was only late September but she had heard her classmates talking about frost something they never experienced in California.

As Lucy walked to class she thought about how she would get out of going home for their fall break. It was 3 weeks away and really only a 5 day weekend since they didn't have Friday afternoon classes and classes resumed Wednesday afternoon. It was kind of far to go all the way home anyway just to basically turn around and go back. It was weird she missed her parents but the thought of going back to Glen Oak terrified her.

She was surprised to see Derek already sitting in the auditorium when she arrived. Usually he came in a few minutes late carrying breakfast from the UNCOMMON GROUNDS kiosk on campus. Or maybe he went to the actual UNCOMMON GROUNDS which Lucy thought she had seen during her travels the other night. She wasn't sure where Derek lived though she knew that there were some apartments a little past campus in the other direction from PEMBROKE. Or perhaps he lived with family he had said he wanted to be closer to them. Nervously Lucy sat down in the empty seat next to Derek. She wondered if he had intentionally saved it for her or if it was coincidental. "Good Morning!" Derek said brightly and handed her her notebook. "I wasn't sure if you were a coffee drinker but I brought an extra caramel roll for you"

Lucy shuddered--a caramel roll? That had to be practically a million calories. She could never eat that even if she spent the rest of the semester living at the gym. "Uh I had breakfast already, but thanks" she offered lamely as class began.

After class Lucy and Derek walked out into the quad together. Derek was confused about Lucy's actions she seemed to at times be very pleasant and personable but then she would just abruptly get distant. It was kind of weird. He had decided he just really needed to know what she thought about him and had planned to invite her to go out over the weekend. If she turned him down then he would move on but somehow the more he got to know Lucy the more he was attracted to her. "Do you have plans for this weekend yet?"

"No not really. Just studying for our psych exam I guess. What about you?" Lucy asked realizing she sounded so lame.

"Could I interest you in seeing a movie tonight then"

"Well I really need to study"

"We can study tomorrow. I'll help you." Derek offered. After the words were out of his mouth he almost laughed at them Lucy was a good student he was scraping by but he was going to help her study...yeah right!

"Well ok." Lucy agreed reluctantly "Great! Is it alright if I pick you up at 7 maybe we can grab dinner before the film"

"Uh I have plans for dinner with my suitemates. Would 8:30 be ok?" Lucy lied. She realized that she lied so easily not really with malicious intent but just to cover up her secrets. And each lie tended to require another. She hated the whole mess.

"Sure that would be fine. You live in the low rises on North Campus right?" Derek asked.

"Yes how? Oh it was in my notebook right"

"Yes I was thinking about just dropping it off when I noticed but then I wasn't sure if you would be home or awake."

They parted and Derek headed back to the student lot. Fridays he had only psychology lecture which in the past would have been a great incentive to just take the day off but he had vowed to be a better student and so far had made it to most of his classes. He got home a little after ten and stopped by Jenny's room on his way to study for his psych test."Are you feeling any better?"

"Not really. I hear Laurel is sick too now. I really hope things work out for her." Jenny said genuinely.

"What time is your appointment?"

"12 so that your dad can make it back to court by 1:30." Jenny said. "I'm afraid of what Dr. Lynch and Dr. Blonsky were talking about"

"What do you mean?"

"I think Dr. Blonsky is going to recommend that I restart dialysis at least while I'm sick and I don't know as much as I'll hate it maybe it's ok"

"I'm sorry. But maybe it won't be forever"

"Maybe but I only stopped a week ago so this isn't very encouraging"

"I know but you have to keep trying Jenny. You've accomplished so much you can't give up now."

"Oh I'm not giving up. I'm just frustrated."

That night after dinner Derek was getting ready for his date with Lucy. He wasn't sure what to expect. As he was finishing combing his hair there was a knock on the door. He opened the door to see his sister Kristin who was home for the weekend with her new husband Paul. "Is this a bad time?" Kristin asked diplomatically.

"Uh well I have a date at 8:30 so I probably need to leave in a half hour but I have some time what's up?"

"That's great about the date. Anyone serious?"

"Not yet. A girl from class really. I'm not even sure if I want it to go anywhere. So what's up?"

"I just kind of wanted to touch base. I know there is a lot of stuff going on now."

"You sound like a parent."

"Hmm well I guess I will be in March so..."

"That wasn't exactly what I meant," Derek said

"I know. I just want you to know I do care and if you need anything I really hope you'll ask. I'm really proud of you Derek." Kristin finished with a hug.

A little before 8:30 Derek pulled into the lot by Lucy's dorm. Surprisingly she was ready and waiting for him. He wondered if it was the first time he had ever gone out with a girl who was ready on time. She had on a short but flouncy skirt and a tight shirt with the sleeves pushed up, Derek was impressed. He opened the door to the passenger side of his Jeep and then returned to his own side of the vehicle.

Instinctively he started to drive in the direction of the mall but then realized they hadn't decided on a film. He started to list the options to Lucy who seemed distracted and uninterested. "Maybe a movie wasn't such a great idea." she finally said

"Is there something else you'd rather do?" Derek asked.

"I don't know. You know what why don't we rent a movie, there is a vcr in my suite. Oh but I think Megan might have reserved it for tonight," she finished glumly.

"That's ok we have a VCR/DVD player at home we can pick something and go back there." Derek said making a U-turn and heading back in the direction of Pembroke. He figured they could find something she wanted to watch at the BLOCKBUSTERS on SUNSET AVENUE. As Derek turned off of MAIN STREET onto SUNSET AVENUE Lucy recognized where they were, she had passed the BLOCKBUSTERS after leaving the grocery store the other night. Somehow that made her uneasy she wasn't sure why though.

At the video store Lucy eventually decided on I AM SAM, a movie Derek was almost 99 sure his parents owned. Oh well he supposed it was better to be safe than sorry. The got back in the car and Derek proceeded back out to MAIN STREET and then headed north until he reached LILAC DRIVE. As he pulled into 1872 LILAC DRIVE Lucy looked on in amazement. Their house was huge an old style colonial with a wide sweeping front porch and she could see a huge pool and patio on the east side of the house. For some reason it looked even more impressive at night with the those flood lights that lead up the driveway and illuminated the shrubbery and the paths leading to the front porch and side patio. Derek parked at the top of the driveway, it was after 9 and he hoped that most of his family had already turned in for the night. He had not planned on introducing Lucy to his parents immediately to avoid their questions about the relationship. He knew they meant well but he didn't want to talk about it. He wondered if his dad would remember her as the young woman he had doused with his coffee.

Derek led Lucy around to the side patio and through the french doors into the kitchen. The kitchen was empty and Derek led her downstairs to their fully finished basement where the rec room was. He placed Lucy's selection in the VCR attached to their large screen TV, offered her a seat on one of the leather couches, and then asked, "Can I get you anything to eat or drink."

Lucy debated. She had intentionally not eaten dinner so that maybe she could have a snack at the movie. She was craving salt, popcorn would be wonderful but she worried that she appear like a pig to Derek. "Why don't you surprise me?"

"Ok, make yourself comfortable I'll be right back."

Derek went back up the stairs to the kitchen noting as he reached the top that the light was on. He thought he had turned it off. Hmm. As he turned so he was facing into the main part of the kitchen rather than the solarium extension he realized he probably had turned the light off. His sister Kristen was putting a bottle of ginger ale back in the refrigerator. She looked at him a little surprised. "I thought you had a date."

"I did, I guess I do she decided she would rather watch a movie here than in the theater." Derek explained opening the refrigerator himself.

"Well enjoy yourself," Kristin said turning towards the kitchen stairs.

"Kristin?"

"Yes," Kristin turned back to face him.

"Uh could you help me make popcorn?"

"Sure!" Kristin laughed removing the hot air popper from one of the appliance drawers and getting some popcorn from the pantry. As they were waiting for the kernels to pop she fixed a tray with some napkins two bowls and two glasses of soda. "Why don't you make your first trip down with this and when you come back up the popcorn will be almost done," she offered.

"Do you want to meet Lucy?" Derek asked.

"I'd love to. I just didn't want to intrude and make either of you uncomfortable."

"It's ok really."

When the popcorn was done Kristin followed her brother downstairs. Lucy looked up from the couch. Wow! Derek's sister was tall and thin and beautiful. What would he ever see in her she wondered? Kristin set the popcorn down on the coffee table in front of Lucy and extended her hand.

"Hello, I'm Kristin, Derek's older sister." she said smiling warmly.

"I'm Lucy," Lucy mumbled feeling like an idiot.

"It's nice to meet you. Are you also majoring in psychology?"

"I'm thinking about it. I'm not sure I may do religious studies instead."

"That's interesting, our older brother Adam is a minister"

"Really? My dad is a minister as well. I've thought about it, in fact I thought that was what I wanted to do but I'm not so sure"

"Well as I've always told Derek you have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is rush into something"

"Do you go to Pembroke as well?" Lucy asked.

"I did a lot of my undergraduate work there. I went to UPenn to finish up and for medical school. I'm doing my residency in emergency medicine now"

"Hmm My older brother Matt is in medical school now"

"What year is he in"

"His first year. He just started"

"It's a lot of work but I thought it was really interesting"

"I guess science isn't really my thing"

"You can say that again," Derek interjected. "Oops I meant about myself Lucy"

Kristin felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see her husband Paul. "Are you alright hon? I was worried that you didn't come back upstairs"

"Yeah, I'm feeling better I was just getting to meet Lucy one of Derek's friends. Lucy this is my husband Paul"

Paul extended his hand to Lucy, "It's nice to meet you"

"I guess we should think about going back to sleep. I'd love to continue our conversation Lucy but Paul and I both worked last night." Kristin explained.

Lucy watched her take Paul's hand as they walked out of the room they seemed so in love. She wondered if she would ever be in a relationship like that. After Kristin left Derek recued the VCR and they got ready to watch the movie. "Kristin is beautiful." Lucy said absently.

"Yes my friends always seem to think that. She has a good heart too"

"Is she much older than you"

"Actually only two months. She'll be twenty three in November"

"So she's around Matt's age but he's only starting medical school"

"Well Kristin is really smart she kind of skipped a few grades and stuff. I on the other hand took a more scenic and delayed route through high school"

"Is Kristin adopted too"

"No Adam, Kristin, Danielle and Kaitlin are all biological siblings and my parent's biological children"

"Danielle and Kaitlin are younger?"

"Yes Danielle is twelve and Kaitlin is four but they would probably tell you they are almost thirteen and five"

Lucy giggled. "Isn't it funny how you are always in such a hurry to grow up and then once it starts to happen you just want to go back to being little again"

"Uh, yeah I guess" Derek said but he wasn't really sure he had experienced that.

Lucy yawned and sunk deeper into the couch shutting her eyes for a moment. Derek watched her doze for a minute wondering if maybe they should watch the movie another night.

"Do you want to try to watch the movie another night Luce?" Derek asked when she had opened her eyes again.

"No, I'm alright," Lucy protested.

"Ok, you just looked tired"

"I'm alright really"

So Derek cued the movie and they started to watch but about ten minutes later when he looked over at Lucy he noticed she had drifted off again. He watched her for a minute, she looked so comfortable and peaceful curled up on the end of leather couch. He hated to wake her to take her home.

Derek debated. Lucy really did look comfortable. He was tempted to just let her sleep and then she started to toss in her sleep a little. At first Derek thought she was waking up but then he realized she was still deeply asleep. And then, she screamed! A loud, ear piercing scream.

Derek watched her scream for a few seconds, motionless and uncertain what to do. Her screams reminded him of Jenny and her nightmares of the past. Gently he put a hand on her shoulder, "Lucy it's alright"

She jerked in response to his touch and then her eyes snapped open and she bolted forward. Frantically she looked around the room. She realized where she was and dissolved into tears. Uncertain of what else to do Derek held her and she let him almost melting into his embrace. Derek was unsure how long the sat together on the couch but eventually Lucy sniffled and pulled back a little and he gently released his embrace. She sat motionless on the couch recovering from her earlier sobs. Derek handed her some tissue and she dabbed at her tears methodically.

"I'm sorry," Lucy said quietly.

"There isn't anything you need to be sorry about. Did you have a nightmare?" "Yes," Lucy admitted reluctantly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Derek probed.

"No!" Lucy said quickly.

"Ok I didn't mean to pry. If you ever want to talk I'm working on becoming a better listener. I'm actually taking a course in it." Derek tried to make a joke to ease the tension he was starting to feel.

"Are you really?" Lucy asked inquisitively

"Well actually I will be next semester. Effective Listening it's one of those Psych/Comm cross lists."

"Interesting."

"I actually think it might be."

"I was being serious."

Derek noticed she was smiling, he was glad. "Is there anything I can do Lucy or anything I can get you?"

"I'm not sure. I don't really want to go back to sleep right now."

"Ok"

"I don't really want to be alone either."

"Ok, I'm sure the nightmares can be pretty scary"  
"Yes," she said simply.

"Would you like to spend the night here? We have several guest bedrooms, my parents wouldn't mind and my dad makes excellent pancakes and waffles."

Lucy was dubious but the offer was tempting. "But I don't have any stuff"

"Well I'm sure Kristin could find you a nightgown and I'm sure we have toothbrushes etc you could have if you want. Or I could take you back to your dorm to get your things and then we could come back here. If you wanted you could even get your psych books and we could study tomorow," Derek suggested.

"Ok could we do that?"

"Which? Me bring you to get your stuff"

"Yes."

"Ok," Derek said collecting up their barely touched popcorn and drinks and leading Lucy back upstairs. In the kitchen he was getting ready to toss the popcorn in the trash.

"Wait!" Lucy exclaimed.

"What?"

"You should save it. It's always better the next morning."

"Really"  
"Sure. Mary, Matt, and I used to eat popcorn for breakfast all the time when I was younger.

"Mary and Matt are your siblings?"

"Yes they are both older then Simon, Ruthie, Sam, and David are younger."

"So you're a middle child."

"Yeah Matt is four years older and Mary is a year older. Simon is fifteen, Ruthie is ten, and Sam and David are four." Lucy explained as Derek dumped the popcorn into a two gallon ziplock and then rinsed the bowl and placed it in the dishwasher.

"How would you like to take the popcorn home? I think my dad will not be thrilled if we teach Danielle and Kaitlin to eat popcorn for breakfast."

"Ok, but he doesn't know what they are missing. Popcorn is an essential nutrient," Lucy joked.

Later Derek almost fell asleep himself as he sat on Lucy's bed while she packed a nightgown, a few pairs of jeans, panties, a clean bra, socks, and several tops and sweaters in the bottom of her smallest suitcase. On the top she tossed in a hairbrush, several scrunchies, shampoo, soap, toothpaste a toothbrush, and her cosmetics bag. She zipped the bag closed and then grabbed her psych notes, text book and tossed them along with a few pens, several highlighters, and pack of index cards into her backpack.

"Ok I think I'm ready," she said brightly Derek forced himself awake and alert he picked up her suitcase and back pack before she could even protest and she let him. Together they walked back out to his car, he tossed her bags in the back of his jeep, he opened the door for her and then they departed.

Back at 1872 Lilac Drive Lucy again followed Derek in through the patio entrance. He then led her up a beautiful hand carved winding staircase to the upstairs east wing of his parents home. Standing at the top of the stairs Lucy saw a hallway off to her right lined initially with a mirror and table along the outer wall with wing chairs on either side of the table. On the other side of the hallway were three closed doors and then the hallway ended in an open doorway. Lucy could see bookshelves and a computer system from the doorway. Directly in front of her was another much longer hallway and Derek led her past 6 closed doors on each side of the hall. "These two guest rooms down at the end of the hallway have their own bathrooms," he explained in a whisper as they walked.

Derek turned on the light in the seventh room along the left side of the hall and Lucy surveyed the room. It was moderately sized with a four-poster bed against one wall and a blanket chest at the foot of the bed. There was a tall chest of drawers against the near wall and a comfortable over stuffed chair in the corner. The far wall had two doors one that opened into a closet and one that opened into a bathroom. "I think there are towels and stuff in the bathroom," Derek said wandering into the bathroom to be sure.

He nodded when he came out, "Is there anything you think you need?" "I don't think so." Lucy said uncertainly. She was starting to have second thoughts about spending the night, perhaps it was a mistake. "Ok, well let me show you which room is mine in case you need anything," Derek suggested leading her back towards the stairs they passed three of the closed doors on the right side of the hallway and then he opened the next door. "Disregard the mess, ok"

Lucy scanned his room, it wasn't tidy but honestly it looked better than she had ever seen her brothers rooms look with the exception of times their mom had cleaned if Simon or Matt's rooms needed to be used as a guest room.


	2. Chapter 2: Afraid to Trust

Later Lucy lay in bed staring at the ceiling unable to quiet her thoughts enough to sleep. She thought first of her family, she did miss them she really did she just didn't know how to deal with them anymore. She had too many secrets, life was too complicated, and she knew her parents loved her but she also knew that they couldn't deal with knowing the truth. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she started to cry.

Down the hall, Kristin stood in the bathroom that connected her room with her younger sister Danielle's brushing her teeth after yet another bout of very early morning morning sickness. She hated to think it but she was becoming certain that the nausea and vomiting she was having with her pregnancy was worse than what she had experienced when she had undergone treatment of the bone marrow involvement of her endometriosis and she had thought that was pretty bad at the time.

She returned her toothbrush to the toothbrush caddy on the counter and wrung out the washcloth she had used. Her stomach still felt unsettled although she couldn't imagine there was possibly anything more to come up. She worried about the effects the vomiting would have on the baby, her OB was concerned about the fact that she hadn't gained any weight during the first trimester. However, the ultrasounds had shown their daughter to be growing well and Kristin considered that reassuring. Slowly she turned off the light in the bathroom and started back into her own room. She stood there for a second watching her husband sleep in the glow of the moonlight.

Paul was a good guy, and Kristin knew he loved her more than perhaps anyone but family could. She also knew he worried about her way too much. Finding the balance in their relationship that allowed him to care without smothering had been a challenge for them initially and continued to be an issue for them to work on as Kristin struggled with the pregnancy. Kristin had been trying to be as understanding as possible and she and Paul had shared their fears and their hopes that maybe everything really would be ok. He was supportive of her desire to continue working as a physician as long as her doctor felt it alright and although he didn't understand her desire to teach aerobics turned water aerobics once she realized she was pregnant he did understand her athletic pursuits mattered to her as well.

Kristin was about to climb back into bed with her husband when she thought she heard crying. The sobs sounded unfamiliar and almost as if they were coming from up the hall. That seemed weird to Kristin but she crept out into the hall where she heard them more clearly. She stopped outside one of five guestrooms in their wing and listened carefully but it didn't sound like the cries were coming from inside. She walked forward one more door to the last one along the left side of the hall and listened again. The cries were coming from inside and they sounded a little like Laurel's voice. She wondered if Laurel had somehow wandered into the guestroom in her sleep and then woken up scared but that sounded a little unlikely.

Cautiously she opened the door and from the light from the hallway saw a slim form lying in the bed. Lucy turned towards the light and when she sat up Kristin recognized her face.

"Lucy, are you alright?" Kristin asked, crossing the room to stand by Lucy's bed.

"I'm sorry," was Lucy's response.

"Tears are never something you should apologize for."

"I'm sorry I woke you."

"You didn't. I was awake. I'm not feeling that well, one of the less positive things about pregnancy."

"You're pregnant?" Lucy asked in disbelief.

"Yes around 15 weeks actually. I'm due in mid March."

"But you're still so thin and beautiful. I would have never known, well congratulations."

"Yeah I haven't really gained any weight with the pregnancy, which has been very concerning to me. However, it's reassuring that the ultrasounds show that our daughter is growing well."

"Oh you're having a girl that's wonderful!" Lucy said excitedly.

"Well what I care most about is the baby being healthy but I have to admit it will be nice to have a little girl."

"Is this your first child?"

"Yes. Paul and I have actually only been married since June, I apparently got pregnant while we were on our very short honeymoon. It was kind of a surprise."

"Can I help you with anything Lucy?" Kristin offered.

"No, I'm fine really."

"Alright if you're sure I think I'll go back to bed before Paul wakes up and worries that I've disappeared. Just let me know if you need anything. I'm 2 doors down the hall."

Lucy nodded as Kristin left and then rolled over and tried to fall asleep. Sleep was elusive though and Lucy was still tossing and turning when she heard Danielle and Kati getting up. She glanced at the clock by her bed and noted that it was only a few minutes before 4. She wondered what they were doing up at that hour and on a Saturday.

Danielle and Kati unaware of Lucy's presence in their house went off to swim practice with their mom who planned to swim some laps and then go to the hospital to round. Kristin was teaching a 6:30 water aerobics class at the health club where Danielle and Kati's swim team practiced so she would collect them and bring them home.

After their water activities Danielle and Kati were watching their dad finish making pancakes. Kristin had gone upstairs to check on Laurel and Jenny and then wake Paul. She went into Jenny's room first. Jenny was sleeping and looking almost comfortable, she didn't have the heart to wake her. She tiptoed out of Jenny's room and down the hall to her own room where she gently awoke her husband. Paul headed into the bathroom to shower and she went to check on Laurel before breakfast.

Laurel lay in bed restlessly. Her eyes brightened briefly when she saw Kristin come in. "Good morning Laurel," Kristin said brightly.

"Hi" Laurel said.

"How do you feel?"

"Sick."

"I know sweetheart. You have pneumonia, so you need to rest and do everything you can to help your body fight this infection."

"Like eating?"

"Eating would be wonderful. Malnutrition makes it harder for your body to fight infections. Would you like to try some pancakes?" Kristin asked brightly. She shared her mother's concern about Laurel's pneumonia being treated as an outpatient. She remembered Dr. Patrick a little from the end of her childhood although he had really more been Danielle and Kati's pediatrician. Knowing him she could imagine exactly how the visit unfolded even before her dad had explained the details. Dr. Patrick had considered admitting her for IV antibiotics but Laurel had cried at the suggestion and he had acquiesced to her tears suggesting instead having blood cultures obtained and letting her go home with oral antibiotics. He planned to see her again on Saturday.

Laurel debated. She didn't want to eat, but she didn't want to be in the hospital either. Dr. Patrick hadn't said she had to eat specifically but what if that was one of the things he would ask about when she went back. She hated hospitals she had been admitted about 6 weeks ago when she was taken from her parents and that whole admission had just reminded her of what had happened before. She almost started to cry thinking about it. Maybe it would be ok to gain a little weight while she was sick she could always lose it later she decided. "Ok," she said weakly.

Laurel's answer interrupted Kristin's thoughts and caught them off guard. "Ok to pancakes? Do you like them with syrup or jam Laurel?"

"Plain?" Laurel asked hopefully.

"Ok, I'll bring you up some sweetheart."

Kristin went downstairs happily. She saw her husband joking with her youngest sister and smiled knowing what a wonderful father he would soon be. "Do you think your brother will be joining us for breakfast?"

"Probably not, I think he was up late and it is only a little after 8 we forget how early that seems to Derek, and perhaps most of the rest of the planet," Kristin said fixing a plate of pancakes and some fresh fruit for Laurel.

"I hope that means his date went well."

"I think it did, she seems like a nice girl."

"You met her?" her father wondered.

"Yes, Derek brought her back here to watch a movie last night and I was up getting some more ginger ale. In fact I think she was going to spend the night in the guestroom at the end of our side of the hall."

"Oh, well that does sound encouraging."

"Yes, let me just bring Laurel this breakfast and then we can eat," Kristin explained darting up the stairs with a tray.

After breakfast the family prepared for Danielle and Kati's soccer games. Danielle's varsity game began at 9:45 and Kati's began at 10:30 so Danielle would probably be able to see the end of Kati's game and Kristin and Paul would watch the beginning of Danielle's game at the high school and then go over to Community Commons in time for Kati's game. Their grandmother was coming to stay with Laurel and Jenny since their mother was going to be at the hospital all day on call in the ICU.

Upstairs Laurel was still taking small bites of pancake; she really didn't want to have to be in the hospital. Her foster father had come upstairs and told her that the rest of the family was leaving for soccer games and that his mother was downstairs if she or Jenny needed anything. Eventually Laurel abandoned the pancake idea. She had eaten at least one whole pancake and was stuffed; she hoped that would be enough. She put the tray down on the floor and lay back down in her bed. Soon she was asleep again.

Around 10:30 Lucy woke up. It took her a few seconds to remember where she was as her eyes scanned the unfamiliar room. She stretched a little and then got up and remade the bed she had slept in. She wandered into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Lucy spent a long time in the shower as if somehow the warm water could wash away all the pain hurt and confusion.

Finally dressed she cautiously opened the door to the guest room and stepped out into the hall. She hoped Derek was in his room and she panicked a bit wondering what she would do if he wasn't. Her panic turned out to be unfounded because when she knocked gently Derek quickly opened the door.

"Good morning. Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah thanks."

"Good. I was waiting for you to get up to have breakfast."

"There are plenty of pancakes that we could reheat and we have cereal etc. Or we could go out for brunch if you preferred since it's almost noon. Or I suppose we could make some popcorn," Derek joked.

Lucy smiled at the joke and tried to think. Her main goal was to get through breakfast without having to eat. Perhaps it would be easier if they stayed home she decided. "Pancakes sound great," she said with as much enthusiasm as she could muster.

Lucy followed Derek downstairs and sat down at the kitchen table while he reheated pancakes in the microwave. He got out plates and silverware and syrup and butter. Lucy shuddered remembering how she used to love her mother's pancakes. Life had been so much easier then. So much had changed in her own life and her family's life in the past year and she yearned to have even a degree of control.

Derek set a warm plate of pancakes in front of her and sat down opposite her at the large round table in their kitchen. Lucy had become quite adept at moving food around on her plate, it had worked reasonably well at home. Her brothers and sisters also usually provided good distraction.

Just then Lucy heard voices and the sound of the front door closing. Soon Danielle, Kati, Kristin, and Paul had joined them in the kitchen. Kristin politely introduced Lucy to Danielle and Kati. They both greeted Lucy warmly and then went upstairs to change out of their soccer uniforms after their victorious games.

"How was soccer?" Derek asked.

"It was fun. Danielle played very well her team won and she scored 4 times. Kati's team also won and she achieved a hat trick so we are supposed to be going hat shopping," Kristin explained.

"Oh cute idea," Lucy agreed.

"It's kind of a family tradition actually," Kristin said.

"Maybe we can pick up some stuff for the nursery tomorrow when we go to the mall to take Kati hat shopping," Paul suggested.

"Oh have you picked a theme yet?" Lucy asked.

"The old style Winnie the Pooh," Kristin said as their father came into the kitchen having gone directly up the west staircase to the master bedroom suite in the west wing to shower and change out of soccer coach garb.

Again Derek had a mouthful of pancakes so Kristin introduced Lucy to their father. Lucy started to say hello but then froze realizing who Derek's father was... the guy from the Pathmark who had also been the guest lecturer in their psychology class.

"It's very nice to meet you Lucy," Matt Stewart said warmly extending his hand. "Welcome to our home."

"Thanks," Lucy mumbled uncertain what else to say. She pretended to be intently concentrating on eating and even ate two pieces of pancake in the process.

Derek's father excused himself to take Laurel to her doctor's appointment and Derek explained that Laurel was one of his two foster sisters. Kristin noted his inclusion of Jenny in the foster sister category and smiled.

Derek stood up, rinsed his plate and silverware and loaded them into the dishwasher. Lucy followed his lead, dumping most of her pancakes down the garbage disposal in the sink and then placing her plate in the dishwasher as well.

They went back upstairs where Derek retrieved his psychology text and suggested, "Why don't we study in the library up here it should be pretty quiet, if it gets too loud we can go back to my room. He led her down the shorter hallway that continued straight and to the right of the stairs into the children's library. Lucy surveyed the room, the far wall wall lined with bookshelves and there was a computer workstation against another wall. The room was an upside down L and from the other entrance into the room she could see another hall and a more formal staircase that ended in the front hall and main entrance of the home.

As they started to go through old exam questions Derek realized Lucy really seemed to know the material which didn't surprise him. However a lot of it he felt like he knew as well which was a pleasant surprise. Hmm maybe going to class was good strategy.

After they had been studying for a little less than 2 hours Kristin came up to invite them to join the family expedition to the mall. It was a little after 2, "Study break?" Derek asked Lucy.

"I really shouldn't. I never meant to sleep so late I'm feeling a bit behind."

"Ok then, I guess that would be a no," Derek said.

"Well maybe we could," Lucy wavered. Again her mind was working overtime debating. Part of her longed to run as far away as she could in fear of Matt knowing any of her secrets. Part of her was sure she would fail her psych exam and wanted to do nothing but lock herself in a room and study for the rest of the weekend. But part of her missed Ruthie and Mary terribly or at least missed the way things used to be. She didn't quite know why but being with Kristin, Danielle, and Kati seemed comforting.

"It's up to you Lucy."

"How long will you be at the mall?"

"Probably just a few hours. Kati needs to pick a hat and I think Danielle wanted to look at dresses for homecoming. We'd love to have you come Lucy but I understand if you need to study, that's important too," Kristen said warmly.

"Well if it's only for a few hours it should be ok. I'd love to come."

"Great! We need to collect Danielle and Kati from music lessons on the way though."

"Music lessons?"

"Yes, I personally am tone deaf but I was adopted into a very musical family," Derek explained.

Lucy smiled. Her dad had sang with a band in high school but Lucy had also heard him singing in the shower a less than rewarding experience. Although her parents wouldn't admit it she suspected her entire family was tone deaf.

"Do you want to drive?" Derek asked his sister.

"Actually unless we take a minivan we are going to need two vehicles," Kristin rationalized as the phone rang.

Derek reached for the phone in the library. "Hello...uh well yeah if I had remembered...uh yeah...no...uh not a problem,"

Derek hung up the phone." I may have to bail on the mall. I completely forgot that I had a house meeting. Not the best thing to do during pledge season, or so I've been told. I'm really sorry Lucy but this shouldn't take long why don't you stay and go to the mall with Kristin and Paul."

After Derek had left Lucy followed Kristin and Paul down to the 6-car garage at the bottom of the driveway. At first a 6-car garage seemed excessive but then she realized that if you had adult children and believed in appropriate protection from the elements it was probably necessary. Anyway it probably snowed in the winter, something Lucy wasn't sure she was looking forward to.

Kristin drove and Paul let Lucy sit in the other front bucket seat of their SUV, she suspected to make her feel less like a third wheel which she was beginning to feel like. It surprised Lucy how much more oriented she felt as Kristin drove back to campus where apparently Kati and Danielle took oboe and flute lessons.

Danielle and Katie stowed their instruments and music in the back hatch of the SUV and then climbed into the back seat with Paul who seemed to be struggling with fastening Kati into a booster seat. "Here let me show you how," Kati offered doing it herself.

Paul laughed in spite of himself. "Don't worry Paul, I promise those infant seats are much, harder" Danielle said jokingly as Kristin pulled away from the curb.

As they drove towards the mall Lucy was silent. Kristin was chatting happily with Danielle and Kati who were talking about music lessons and about music they were playing in some band or orchestra or something.

At the mall Paul and Kati paired off quickly in search of celebratory hat options. As Kristin watched her husband carry her 4-year-old sister through the mall on his back she had to laugh. Kati and Paul had been special friends since she and Paul had started dating almost 3 years ago during her 3rd year of medical school. Although Kristin couldn't imagine being serious about someone who didn't recognize the wonder and merit of her little sisters she realized that Paul wasn't just being kind and polite he really adored Kati.

His relationship with Danielle had been a little more awkward. He hadn't accepted her 10 going on 30 approach to life and Danielle had frequently complained "he treats me like a little kid". But recognizing that anyone her sister loved had to be pretty special Danielle had given him another chance and he was starting to accept that she was much more mature than her chronological age reflected. Although not quite 13 Danielle was a freshman in high school and even taking a few classes through the advancement program at Pembroke College. Kristin would have loved to attribute Danielle's maturity to her intellect but she knew in her heart that was not the case. Danielle's experiences and exposures growing up in their house had taken her childhood away.

Lucy, Kristin, and Danielle walked into EXPRESSIONS a popular teen-young adult store. Danielle started to look through a rack of full-length formals. She was dubious about homecoming, she had been in the court last year as a freshman and all her friends were telling her she had a great chance to be homecoming queen as a sophomore. She wasn't nervous about Homecoming, in fact if her boyfriend Jordan Marci weren't coming home from college that weekend specifically to accompany her to homecoming she would have found other plans for the evening.

"This is kind of cute Danielle," Kristin said pulling a long black dress with white bows from the rack.

"I guess," Danielle said noncommittally.

"You don't sound to excited about this."

"I'm not. Being homecoming queen won't change who I am or change my life so I kind of find it silly that my classmates are so worked up about it. No offense Kristin."

"None taken. I remember kind of feeling that way too when I was a sophomore. There were a lot more important things going on in my life. I'll tell you a secret; I mostly went to Homecoming that year to try to reassure mom that things were ok. It was a nice diversion I guess for all of us to get caught up in dresses and fixing my hair etc. I'm not advocating that you do that Danielle, you do what feels right to you."

"I remember you let me play with your crown, I thought that was pretty cool. It looks like I'm stuck needing to go this year anyway, since Jordan was King last year he's supposed to crown the new King and nights with Jordan are always fun. I'll just focus on the company more than the situation," Danielle explained.

Lucy listened to their conversation as she browsed through the racks. She couldn't imagine not wanting to be homecoming queen and thought of her own unsuccessful quest a year earlier. Perhaps if she were thin like Kristin and Danielle then her life would be easy too. Or maybe if her family wasn't so messed up then life would be easier. Of course maybe if life was easier then her family wouldn't be so messed up.

Lucy remembered when she was younger and their family was stronger, respected, and expected to make the right choices. Now she wondered if most of their congregation felt her father to be a hypocrite. Yet her parents seemed to be in denial in the own sense of ignorance and bliss. She really had tried to talk to them but the lies and secrets were too deep and they were two invested in their image and denial for the conversation to be successful. In her heart she knew that blaming her older sister Mary for all the problems of the family was probably unkind but other times she wondered if it was at least fair.

She remembered the day her sister vandalized their high school gym with her teammates all because their coach was trying to encourage academic excellence. As a result of that incident Mary lost her basketball scholarship to college and the snowball effect ensued. Suddenly Mary was doing things Lucy would have never thought possible. She dabbled in alcohol and almost endangered the life of their cousin and Lucy knew of several occasions where she had driven under the influence of alcohol. Her parents seemed oblivious to Mary's offenses and it wasn't until she finally had destroyed their whole family that they finally woke up and tried their own version of tough love sending Mary off to live with their grandfather.

Lucy felt bad for her younger siblings. Simon, Ruthie, Sam, and David didn't really understand what was happening and Lucy guessed they were too young to even though Simon was only 3 years younger than she was. It was then that Lucy had vowed to never let them down the way that Mary had. However, ironically turning into Mary became one of Lucy's worst fears.

Mary only spent a few months with their grandparents and then returned to live with them. Lucy knew her parents wanted to believe everything was fine but they didn't know that Mary was still drinking and Lucy had found a few joints in their room when she had still lived at home.

"What do you think?" Danielle asked interrupting her thoughts. Lucy looked up to see the dress Danielle had chosen it was a long flowing black dress with a fitted bodice and tiny spaghetti straps. It fit her perfectly.

"It's nice," Lucy said. "It's the traditional formal though, I guess I see you as more likely to wear something more fun"

"I'm kind of a traditional person I guess."

"What do you mean?"

"Well in this context at least dress wise I tend to be conservative. I have no desire to look like Lindsey Lohan"

"I wasn't saying you had to look like Lindsey Lohan. Never mind." Lucy said with tears forming on her lashes.

Lucy's response surprised Danielle. She hadn't intended to be critical. Her eyes met Kristin's above Lucy's head. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings Lucy, and you know what you're right there is wide spectrum between this dress and whatLindsey wore to the last Hollywood party. I'm sure there are lots of options in between."

Lucy sniffled. Danielle continued, "I'll be honest I think because I'm tall I tend to gravitate more for the traditional when picking formals. I'm not really sure why."

"I think you inherited it from me," Kristin suggested.

"Perhaps. I've inherited a lot of other things from you too."

"Yeah," Kristin agreed. She smiled but she was thinking about endometriosis and Dr. Hawkins fear that Danielle's might be just as bad.

"So do you want to buy that dress?"

"I think so. Let me go change."

After Danielle disappeared back into a dressing room Lucy turned to Kristin, "I'm sorry,".

"You don't need to be sorry. I agree it's a solid traditional formal and yeah there are lots of more "fun" dresses out there that are perfectly acceptable. Danielle and I grew up in a very formal household. Our parents loved and still love to entertain and we were introduced to black tie when we were young."

"I guess I had the opposite experience."

"Most people do. Derek had a little bit of culture shock when he first came to live with us."

"What about Laurel and Jenny?"

"Well I think there is always an adjustment period. Jenny grew up in a very affluent family with similar yet very different social exposures. I think she's been surprised that my parents are really very down to earth."

"How old are they Derek doesn't talk about either of them much?" Lucy inquired.

"Jenny will be 24 at the end of December and you'll meet her more when she's feeling better. She's actually doing a bachelors of fine arts at your school."

"Really?"

"Yes, she's very talented," Kristin finished as Danielle joined them again.

After Danielle had paid for her dress they headed to meet Paul and Kati. As they passed by FAO SCHWARTZ Kristin paused. "I think I'd like to get Laurel a friend to keep her company while she's sick," she suggested.

"Ok," Danielle agreed.

Lucy followed them through the store perusing stuffed animals. Not so surprisingly they saw Paul and Kati doing the same thing. But Kati's explanation of what they were doing surprised her; "We're getting a friend for Laurel. I like this elephant he's pretty cool. Do you think she would like him?" Kati asked.

"I think so. I think she likes jungle animals she loved that giraffe I gave her and she has a lion. An elephant sounds like a good choice," Kristin agreed.

They paid for the elephant and decided to go get ice cream before heading home. Kati skipped happily ahead with Danielle leaving Lucy to once again feel like she was intruding on Kristin and Paul's conversation.

At THE ICECREAM CASTLE, an old time ice cream parlor the group filed into a large booth. Lucy sat across from Paul looking at a menu. She was hungry and ice cream had always been one of her great temptations but looking at the menu made her uncomfortable. Instead of thinking of ice-cream flavors or hot fudge all she could do was think of calories. Even a cone with frozen yogurt had to have a zillion calories Lucy was sure.

The waitress, who Lucy thought might have been in her Calculus class, came to take their order. Paul and Kristin were sharing a banana split. Danielle got mint chocolate chip ice cream with hot fudge sauce and Kati ordered a caramel sundae. "What would you like Lucy?" Kati asked and Lucy realized that everyone was waiting for her to order.

"A single scoop of vanilla in a bowl," she finally blurted out flustered.

Conversation resumed while they were waiting for their ice cream to arrive. Kati was talking about Halloween and her plans to dress up like Pooh and Piglet with Danielle for trick or treating. She would rather be Tigger buthe was taller than Pooh she rationalized so it wouldn't work. And then their ice cream arrived.

Lucy glared at the vanilla ice cream sitting in front of her. She wasn't planning on eating it, not really but she picked up her spoon and stirred it a little, another one of the tricks she had perfected over the summer. What Lucy didn't count on was that Kristin wasn't quite as gullible as her parents. Kristin watched her play with her ice cream and wondered if her fears were correct. She didn't want to jump to conclusions but it was becoming more obvious to her that there was something wrong.

When they returned to the Stewart residence Derek was still at his house meeting and Kati happily skipped upstairs to give Laurel her elephant. Lucy retreated back to the library where she and Derek had been studying earlier. It was almost 5 pm and she had mixed emotions about the whole mall experience but she also still had 2 more lectures to review before her exam on Monday. She settled down to study; when Derek got home she decided she would ask him to take her home. She hoped that would be before dinner.


	3. Chapter 3: Hiding the Truth

Derek did return a few minutes later and he drove her back to campus. She was silent the entire ride, when they pulled into the parking lot by her dorm Derek asked, "Did something happen Lucy?"

"No I just realized I really need to be productive about studying tonight. I want to be pretty much done tonight so I can go to church and stuff tomorrow," Lucy manipulated the truth.

"Well it's important to have priorities. What church do you go to?"

"Uhhh," Lucy stammered and searched her brain. It was awful but she hadn't been to church since starting school 6 weeks ago. By the time Sunday rolled around she was usually too exhausted or recovering from the ill effects of the previous nights behavior.

"I'm kind of still looking for a church," Lucy finally said.

"Well you're certainly welcome to come to church with us. We're Methodist."

"That's funny. My dad is at a nondenominational protestant church but we use a Methodist hymnal."

" Well then you will know all the songs. So what do you say? Church starts at 9."

Lucy debated. She knew going back to church would be good for her. She needed God's help and strength. "Sure, it sounds good."

"Great! I'll pick you up at 830 tomorrow morning." Derek said and he was about to kiss her but Lucy quickly turned her head and got out of the car.

Meanwhile back at the Stewart residence Kristin and Laurel were talking in her room. "You can't tell them," Laurel pleaded.

"I'm not sure I can not tell them sweetie,"

"I don't want them to know,"

"Laurel, you know this wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Your father and your brother made some wrong choices."

"But I'm a murderer,"

"No, no you're just a scared little girl."

"I didn't want to do it really. I didn't want to but they made me. They took me back to this room and they gave me this medicine that made me feel funny and go to sleep. When I woke up it was all over the baby was gone," Laurel was sobbing.

Kristin pulled her into a hug and held her. "It's alright Laurel, everything will get easier now." Laurel's sobs quieted and her breathing slowed. Gently Kristin laid her back down in bed. She adjusted the blankets and watched her sleep for a moment. Since Laurel came to live with them her parents had suspected that behind the insolence, and rage lay an abused child. Kristin had been more suspicious after witnessing Laurel's nightmares. Slowly over the past few weekends Laurel had started to tell her about her father and her brother and the things they had liked to do. Kristin thought about her confession about the abortion and knew how conflicted Laurel who had initially been raised catholic must feel. She wondered if Laurel's father had insisted on the abortion worrying about the effects of a pregnancy on his 12 year old daughter or if he merely was trying to hide the evidence of his sins.

Kristin also knew that eventually her parents and Laurel's caseworkers would need to know the truth. Perhaps though it would be alright to wait until Laurel was stronger. She wasn't in current danger and Kristin knew she would need all her energy to fight her pneumonia.

The next morning Derek picked Lucy up around 8:30 and they drove to the Methodist Church. Derek parked in the parking lot behind the church and led Lucy around to the front entrance. They slid into a pew with his grandparents and Paul. His father had led the tenor section in the choir for as long as Derek could remember. Danielle and Kati were sitting in the balcony since they were playing a flute and oboe duet during the offertory and Kristin was sitting in the choir loft preparing to play her trumpet for part of the rousing opening hymn.

The service seemed much more polished than services at her father's church had been and she was impressed that Kati not only sat quietly throughout the service but also managed to play her oboe harmoniously with Danielle. She remembered when Ruthie had been a little older than Kati their dad's church was in consideration for being televised and during the service Ruthie had inhaled a mint into her nose. Chaos had ensued and the whole family had accompanied Ruthie to the ER to have her mint removed.

The service ended with another rousing recessional hymn, which Kristin again played her trumpet for. After the invocation Lucy followed Derek from the pew to exit through the back doors of the church. What Lucy hadn't counted on was the tradition of the congregation to host several brunches at individual parishioners homes almost each Sunday after services. In typical fashion the Stewart's were once again hosting brunch and Derek just presumed Lucy would want to join them.

Lucy was trying to think of an excuse out of brunch when a very fit older woman came up to Derek. "Oh mom you are here?"

"Yes, I got a little held up at the hospital and didn't want to interrupt the service so I just joined your sisters in the balcony. They both played very well."

"Well remember I'm tone deaf but yeah it sounded good. Mom I'd like you to meet Lucy Camden. Lucy this is my mom"

Cynthia Stewart extended her hand to Lucy and limply Lucy took it. Her mind was still thinking about brunch excuses.

"Lucy is in my psychology class."

"Wonderful. Are you considering the psychology major or is this an elective for you Lucy?" Cynthia asked.

"Uhhh I'm not sure," Lucy stammered.

"Well we'll see you at home mom," Derek offered.

"Yes, will you be joining us for brunch or did you have other plans."

"No we'll be there and then I need to do some studying after brunch."

Derek and Lucy arrived back at 1872 Lilac Drive and Derek fumbled around for his garage door opener. "I hate parking in the garage but I guess I should leave room for others joining us for brunch," he explained.

As they walked up the driveway he reached for Lucy's hand and she let him take it. They reached the side patio where Matt was laying out a large spread of waffles, pancakes, quiche, fresh fruit, juice and coffee. Kristin came out with a stack of plates and Paul followed her with napkins and silverware. Lucy surveyed the patio and wondered how the two tables would accommodate the amount of people that she presumed were expected from the amount of food.

Then she saw some additional tables had been set up in the backyard. Just then Kati joined them. "May I show Lucy the back garden?" she asked.

"If Lucy would like to see the back garden you may," Matt responded plugging in the coffee urn to one of the outdoor outlets.

"Uh sure," Lucy mumbled and Kati practically dragged her from the patio to the back yard and then up into the back garden. It reminded Lucy of an old English garden the kind she had read about in novels about the Tudors. Hand laid brick paths wound through flower and vegetable beds and around a few small pools with a few hammocks and benches lining the paths. In the center of the garden was a gazebo, which led into the rose arbor.

"This is where Kristin and Paul had their wedding reception. I was their flower girl and we all came into the reception through here." They passed through the arbor and into a small orchard or apple and pear trees. "You can really eat the fruit from the trees. Do you want an apple?" Kati offered.

Lucy was tempted the apples really did look good and she reached for one from the lower branches. She handed it to Kati and then chose another for herself. "Thank you," Kati replied.

"This is one of my favorite places, I like the pool outside too with the fountain, and the indoor pool that's nice too and the skylight on the third floor you can watch the stars through the telescope,"

"It sounds cool," Lucy agreed

"Do you like my brother?" Kati asked.

"Uh sure," Lucy stammered.

"He is trying now to be a good brother. We just have to encourage him. I love him."

Lucy was really unsure how to respond to her last statement and was grateful to see Kristin approaching them. Kati saw her too and ran forward a few steps and hugged her. Kristin hugged back and whispered to Kati that her friend Gina had arrived with her parents. "Bye Lucy," Kati called as she scampered through the garden back to the patio.

"This is really nice," Lucy said when Kristin joined her.

"Yeah my dad grew up on a farm so he's used to wide spaces and tending the soil. This is kind of his best of both worlds compromise," Kristin explained. She looked at Lucy who seemed to have a weird kind of faraway look on her face.

"Luce?" she called.

Lucy could hear Kristin's voice and she wanted to answer her but she couldn't seem to get the words out. She felt weird. Kristin helped her to sit down and brought her head down between her knees. She felt trembly and sweaty she wasn't sure was happening. Kristin touched something to her lips, "Drink," she instructed.

Lucy swallowed a few times. Blech--she hated orange juice but she did feel better. Cautiously she opened her eyes. "When was the last time you ate something," Kristin asked knowingly.

"Uh I was in a hurry this morning I guess it was a mistake to skip breakfast."

"Well skipping meals is never really a good idea. Our body likes to have a steady level of glucose. But that wasn't exactly my question. Does that mean you ate dinner last night?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I?" Lucy said. It was a bold lie and she wondered if Kristin saw right through it. She hoped not. Kristin didn't say anything more. She handed the rest of the glass of orange juice to Lucy and feeling like she was under scrutiny Lucy drank it. She tried not to think about the calories.

Lucy handed back the empty juice glass. "Come on let's go have some brunch," Kristin said cheerily. As they walked through the garden Kristin thought about what had just happened. She tried not to jump to conclusions but she had a feeling that things weren't as easily explained as one missed meal.

She rejoined her husband as Lucy found Derek talking to a few people by the pool. The sun was hitting the water and the bottom of the stone pool just right it looked beautiful. Derek introduced her to his friends and then they went to get brunch. As they filled their plates at the buffet Lucy hoped Derek wouldn't want to sit near Kristin and Paul. But luck was not hers as he led her to a table in the backyard where Paul and Kristin were sitting. Glumly Lucy resigned herself that she would have to eat something. Then Kristin would hopefully forget all about the earlier incident.

After lunch Derek drove her home, he walked her to her door where he kissed her. Lucy melted but regained composure slightly as she walked through the door. For a few minutes she was lost in her happy world of being in love and she really thought she was with Derek. Somehow he would be different than Jimmy, or Rod, or Jordan, or Jeremy. Things would really work out.

Unfortunately even love was not enough to distract Lucy from the uncomfortable feeling of having food in her stomach. She paced around her room trying to talk herself out of it but eventually she found herself kneeling in front of the toilet in their suite bathroom. As she recovered post purge she realized the last time she had made herself vomit was the night before she had left for college. At first she had been proud of her ability to stop purging however she had to admit that she had been using more and more laxatives. In some ways it was actually a relief to have broken her no purging streak.

The next day Lucy arrived at Daly Hall for their exam. She was surprised at how easy the test seemed as she cruised through the 100 question multiple-choice exam. She handed in her exam and skipped out of the auditorium. As she walked home she wondered if Derek would call.


	4. Chapter 4: Building Walls

This will be the last chapter posted unless or until someone reviews. Obviously it's ok if no one wishes to read or review but my point in posting this was to receive feedback. Therefore if this isn't an appropriate forum for that its rather counterproductive for me to continue to post. At any rate enjoy--and have a wonderful day.

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Derek did call that evening and they made plans to go out on Wednesday since neither of them had early classes on Thursday. They went dancing at DUNBARS one of the local college hangouts slightly north of Pembroke. They went out a few more times and Lucy was starting to tell people about her boyfriend Derek.

Friday 2 weeks after their first "date" Lucy sat next to Derek in psychology giggling before lecture. "Please, Megan said it was a lot of fun," Lucy begged. She had planned them to go for a picnic on the beach in Pembroke off the PALMIRA RIVER. Although it was the first weekend in October it was still warm.

"I'm sorry I really can't. Adam is coming home this weekend and my parents are having a party after the orchestra concert Saturday night so I really need to be home all weekend," Derek explained.

Lucy pouted. Derek stroked her cheek, "Come on don't be mad, why don't you come to dinner at my parents house tonight and maybe we can still catch a movie or something after dinner."

"Well ok," Lucy resigned herself as Dr. Howell began to lecture about ADHD.

After class Derek and Lucy parted she would have liked to go with him but she was supposed to be meeting with her advisor at 11:30 she hoped he wouldn't consider it a lunch meeting.

Derek arrived home surprised to see Kristin sitting in the kitchen chatting with Jenny. He had presumed she'd be coming later in the day; it was only 9:30.

"Oh I have today off, so I took the train this morning. Paul will be driving up later tonight after he finishes at the hospital."

"I invited Lucy to join us for dinner," Derek said opening the refrigerator and pouring a glass of milk.

"Good I'll finally get to meet this woman of mystery," Jenny said jokingly.

"Yeah I guess you were pretty sick the first weekend Lucy was here."

"Don't remind me!"

"No problem. It's hard to believe that was 2 weeks ago and Laurel still isn't feeling better," Derek pondered aloud.

"From my experiences it's sad. But it's believable, malnutrition just kills your immune system," Jenny commented.

"I know. I feel bad for mom though, it was cruel fate for things to get worse when she was on call," Kristin said. After attempting outpatient treatment of her pneumonia for several days without improvement Laurel's pediatrician had hospitalized her. Slowly her condition had deteriorated further until Tuesday night while their mom was on call she had needed to be emergently intubated and transferred to the Intensive Care Unit. The intubation and subsequent placement of the arterial and central venous lines were all done by her foster mother. Since Tuesday she had remained on the ventilator without much improvement.

That evening Derek picked Lucy up around 6 since they were supposed to be sitting down to dinner near 6:30. Of course all of this depended on Danielle and Kati being done with soccer practice, his mom not getting caught at the hospital, and Adam actually arriving. As usual Lucy was ready when he arrived and they walked out to his jeep hand in hand.

When they reached the Stewart residence Lucy saw a new Honda accord in the driveway and noticed a tall slim gentleman with sandy brown hair and blue eyes unloading items from the trunk. "Is that your brother?" she asked as Derek pulled up behind him in the driveway.

"Yes that's Adam," Derek said simply. He wondered if things would be less awkward however he doubted they would. Kristin said that he and Adam had "creative differences" which was the diplomatic way of expressing that they didn't get along.

Adam turned from unloading the trunk as they walked past, "Derek," he called and Derek braced himself for that handshake that turned into a hug. He supposed it came in handy with parishioners but he found it annoying. Adam then turned to Lucy and extended his hand, "I'm Derek's older brother Adam it's wonderful to meet you."

Lucy looked awkwardly at Derek who still seemed to be recovering from the hug onslaught, "I'm Lucy Camden." She said hurriedly following Derek into the house through the front door.

As they walked through the parlor and dining room into the kitchen Lucy said, "Uh is your brother always that uh friendly"

Derek chuckled. "I think he forgets he's not greeting people after the benediction."

"I guess my dad has that problem as well. Although usually I'm seeing him with some guy who is about to date one of his daughters. He becomes a little aloof and territorial at that point," Lucy said as they climbed the stairs to Derek's room.

"How much does your father know about us?"

"Not much I tend to approach discussing relationships with him on a need to tell basis and that usually only happens when I'm facing the Camden inquisition."

"I see," Derek said as they sat on his bed listening to a Blues Traveler CD.

"Well I'll tell him before I marry you, otherwise what he doesn't know is really much better for his blood pressure trust me."

"I'll keep that in mind," Derek said as Kati came in to tell them it was time for dinner.

"What are you keeping in mind?" she asked innocently.

Lucy smiled. "That Lucy's dad isn't a big fan of surprise," Derek suggested.

"Oh well then we shouldn't throw him a surprise party," Kati agreed.

"Yeah been there, done that, and hated every minute of it," Lucy said.

"You threw your father a surprise party?"

"Trust me it was so not my idea. One of the trustees at the church thought it would be fun. My dad's kind of the paranoid type too which didn't help," Lucy said as they reached the bottom of the stairs. She followed Kati and Derek into the formal dining room and sat down at the long mahogany table beneath the crystal chandelier. To her displeasure she found herself sitting across from Kristin and Paul.

Derek introduced her to Jenny who in turn introduced her boyfriend Chris and the 11 of them sat down at the table. The family joined hands and Adam led them in prayer. Over dinner Adam informed his family that he would be taking over for Reverend Gilmore in January.

This wasn't much of a surprise, in keeping with the tradition of the original circuit riders Methodist ministers never stayed with one congregation for much more than 5 years. Reverend Gilmore was just finishing up his 6th year and was ready to move to a new church. The only thing that was a little surprising was the timing of the transition, which usually occurred during June.

After dinner Derek escaped to the movies with Lucy. Adam went with Kristin to visit Laurel. Paul, exhausted from a long day in the OR and the drive up from the city was grateful to Adam for going with her so he could sleep. As they were walking out of the hospital later that night Adam suggested they get caramel rolls and Kristin knew he probably wanted to talk.

They went to UNCOMMON GROUNDS on the square, and Kristin secured a table while Adam placed their order. He returned with two caramel rolls and his coffee. He slid a caramel roll across the table to Kristin and took a sip of his coffee.

"When did you start drinking coffee?" Kristin asked.

"When I had to drink several cups every Sunday so as to not offend Miss Tilly or Mrs. Bomme or whoever was hosting coffee hour. I'm surprised you don't drink coffee with all the hours you try to work."

"No, that's too much caffeine. I used to occasionally drink caffeinated soda but now with the pregnancy I'm avoiding even that."

"Is that going any better?" Adam asked.

Kristin was silent, thinking. She was trying to choose her words carefully, she didn't want to lie to her brother but she also didn't want to scare him either. "The baby is growing well," she finally said with a genuine smile at the prospect of possibly having a healthy child in spite of everything.

"But you aren't," Adam replied.

"Well I think it's getting better. The Zofran has been helping a lot with the nausea and vomiting. Jenny's been joking we should name the baby Zoe," Kristin laughed

"How is Paul handling this?"

"He's scared, we both are. But I just keep thinking that I must have gotten pregnant for a reason. God will take care of this."

"You know you'll always be in my prayers."

"I know. I was pretty lucky to get such a great older brother."

Adam blushed. "Is Derek dating someone?" he asked changing the subject.

"Lucy Camden she was at dinner. They met in psychology class."

"Hmm that's positive it implies that Derek is going to class,"

"Adam!"

"Well dad told me he was taking school more seriously. I have to admit I was a little skeptical but good for him then!"

"He's really changed a lot," Kristin started

"I'm sure he has, I'm glad he's trying to be Kati's older brother. I just still remember what you and Danielle went through years ago. I don't blame Derek as much as I blame myself."

"I don't understand."

"Well maybe if I had been around, I could have protected you more. Maybe I could have helped Derek, I don't know. We can't relive the past but let's try to save the future."

Meanwhile Lucy and Derek were leaving one of the theaters at the mall. Derek wondered if Lucy was still mad at him about not going to the beach, it was unlike her to be silent through an entire film. He had even bought popcorn hoping to cheer her up but she had merely said she was still full from dinner.

As they walked back through the mall after the movie Lucy was still thinking about dinner. For the most part she had moved food around on her plate but twice she had felt like Kristin was watching her and had been forced to take a bite. The small amount of rationality she still had reminded her that two bites of dinner wouldn't make her fat, but the larger part of her brain was sure it would. Life had been so much easier when she was younger, when Mary was still good, before her parents got so weird, before horrible things happened.

Derek noticed the tears glistening on her lashes, he pulled her closer to him as they walked and kissed the top of her head. "Lucy what's wrong? Please talk to me."

"May I stay at your house tonight?"

"Sure, we can stop at school and you can get some things. Why don't you just stay for the whole weekend because I have a feeling the party tomorrow night will go pretty late," Derek suggested.

Lucy nodded but didn't speak more until they reached her dorm. Derek followed her inside noting that she already had a suitcase mostly packed. As she was adding a few things on the top Derek noticed that the messages light on her answering machine was flashing. She zipped her suitcase, which Derek picked up, "You have messages, do you want to check them before we go?" he suggested.

"Nah, it's probably just Mary or my parents," Lucy said

Her response surprised Derek, although Lucy didn't speak much about her family he had just presumed that she was close to them but something in her response made him wonder if that was the case. He thought about that as he drove back to his parents' home.

Once they reached the Stewart residence Lucy wondered if spending the night was a mistake. Part of her wanted to spend time there and almost become part of their family. It reminded her of what her family used to be like before. But another part of her knew that spending time there was dangerous. The Stewarts seemed much more savvy than her own parents and she was afraid of them catching on and figuring out her secrets. But maybe they would help her, something she knew her parents couldn't or maybe wouldn't.

She started to cry again as she closed the door to the guestroom she had stayed in before. Why did life have to be so difficult? She got ready for bed making faces at her reflection in the bathroom mirror as she brushed her teeth and then climbed into bed and huddled under the covers. Her teeth chattered and she shivered even under a blanket and quilt.

Finally though Lucy did sleep. She slept through Danielle and Kati's 4 am rising for swim practice, Kristin getting up at 6am to teach water aerobics and even the entire family sitting down to breakfast at 830 am Derek among them.

After breakfast while he was loading the dishwasher with Kristin he asked if she was planning on going to Kati's game.

"I had planned on it why?"

"Well Lucy spent the night last night, and she's still fast asleep so I don't want to wake her. But I have a dentists' appointment so I don't want her to wake up alone," Derek explained. As Lucy came down the kitchen stairs.

"Excellent timing," Derek said.

"What?" Lucy wondered

"Oh I had forgotten to tell you I had a dentists appointment and I didn't want to wake you."

"Oh"

"In that case would you like to come with us to Kati's soccer game," Kristin offered.

"Sure," Lucy said forcing enthusiasm into her voice. She and Kristin left for the game alone as Paul had some dictations he needed to catch up on and review. The less glamorous side of being a surgeon as he put it.

As Kristin drove to COMMUNITY COMMONS where Kati's game was held Lucy debated talking to her. A small piece of her still held tight to the possibility that Kristin could help her. They reached the field and Kristin got a blanket out of the back hatch and slammed the door shut. Lucy jumped at the sound and it was then that she decided that couldn't risk telling Kristin.

She sat through Kati's soccer game, pretending to cheer in the right moments and pretending to be happy that they had won. When they returned home after Kati's game she told Derek she had a paper she had forgotten about and she needed to go back and work on that. She was really sorry about missing the party.

Again Derek was puzzled as he drove her back to campus. For the next month they continued to date but Lucy seemed reluctant to join him for any family activities and seemed upset when he chose his family over her, and sometimes he needed to do that.

October turned into November and Derek and Lucy became closer. Derek still didn't understand her reluctance to be around his family. He and Kristin had discussed it and Kristin had suggested perhaps she had a secret she wasn't quite ready to share.

Kristin didn't reveal what she thought that secret was. She also didn't tell Derek about the anonymous package containing the Teddy Bear she had seen Lucy admiring when they went to FAO SCHWARTZ, two calling cards, and contact information for 2 internists and 2 therapists who dealt with eating disorders that she had sent. She wanted to be wrong. From watching Jenny and Laurel's struggles she desperately wanted to be wrong.

Lucy sat in her room trying to study, it was early November and hard to believe that the semester was more than half over. But it was and she was doing so well in all her classes she didn't want to ruin it. Lucy was reading about personality disorders a rather interesting topic but then she started feeling the pain come back. She'd not been feeling well since the day before but things had seemed to get worse overnight. She had vomited three times gross green disgusting stuff completely without trying. Suddenly she knew she was about to be sick again and ran in the direction of the bathroom.

Unfortunately Lucy didn't quite make it to bathroom collapsing at the end of the hall. When her RA found her a few minutes later he called 911 and she was transported to PEMBROKE REGIONAL HOSPITAL.


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks for the reviews :) I'd love some constructive criticism if there are parts you don't like, or don't think flow very well. I know this story started out a little slow with all the back story and character development. Some of Lucy's family will be making appearances later on in the story so watch for that. Enjoy!

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Slowly Lucy opened her eyes in the ER, she was unsure where she was and found that she couldn't turn her head she touched her neck and felt it encased in a hard plastic collar. Just then a physician walked into the room, noticing Lucy's fidgeting with the collar she said, "Well the good news is we can get that collar off your neck the x-rays were fine,"

"My neck? What was supposed to be wrong with my neck?"

"It's mostly just a precaution, you were found down but no one saw you fall it's always possible that you sustained a neck injury so it's usually my policy to keep the c-spine immobilized until it's clear that there isn't an injury," Cynthia explained reaching to unfasten the cervical collar around her neck.

Lucy blinked and then vomited again. She felt dizzy and woozy and wanted to go back to sleep and have it all just go away, but she also wanted to know what had happened and what was going to happen.

Cynthia removed the newly soiled hospital gown that was lying over Lucy and helped her slide her arms through a clean gown. It was then that Lucy realized she wasn't wearing underwear and that she had something coming out of her groin. "Who did this?" she wailed.

"I did, it's a central venous catheter and there are certain medicines that you needed that can't be put through a regular IV like the one you have in your hand. Now if you can tell me about when you started to feel sick I'll be better able to help you feel better," Cynthia explained calmly.

Lucy answered her questions in monotone. She'd been sick since the day before, yes she'd been throwing up and it had all looked much like what she had just vomited, she hadn't thought she had a fever, and no she didn't have any other medical problems before, wasn't taking any medications and had never been in the hospital before. She started to shut her eyes again hoping the questioning was over.

But Cynthia had a few more questions, "Have you ever used diuretics or laxatives?"

Lucy opened her eyes and looked at her it was at that point she realized why she looked so familiar. She was talking to Derek's mom.

Cynthia persisted, "I know this may be a difficult question but it's important that I know the truth so I can treat you appropriately."

"I don't want Derek to know."

"Anything you tell me in this room is between us. I'll use the information to treat you I won't share it with anyone not involved in your care."

"Not even my parents,"

"Not even your parents without your permission."

"Yes." Lucy finally said.

"Yes?"

"Yes to both, and a lot I guess. Is that what's wrong with me?"

"From your exam and the lab work I think you have pancreatitis. Your diuretic and laxative use put you at greater risk for this but I also wonder if you have an obstruction of your pancreatic duct. As soon as they are ready in radiology we'll be getting a CT Scan and then you may need another procedure called an ERCP but we'll talk more after the CT scan. Is there anything I can do for you Lucy?"

"No," Lucy sniffled.

"Is there anyone you would like me to call?"

"No!"

The CT scans showed obstruction and Cynthia knew that meant she needed an emergent ERCP to remove the obstruction. As the gastroenterologist on call for the evening the case would fall to her. She went back in to talk to Lucy and obtain consent for the procedure. Terrified Lucy scribbled her name on the paper Derek's mom was handing her.

"Are you sure there isn't anyone you would like me to call?" Cynthia asked again.

"No," Lucy responded weakly. She wanted Derek but was afraid to admit that to his mother.

Later after the stones had been removed from her bile and pancreatic ducts Lucy was admitted to the ICU. As Cynthia was discussing the case with her colleague Dr. Merkle who was on call that evening in the ICU one of the nurses grabbed them both screaming "She's desating,"

Cynthia returned to Lucy's room in the ICU and surveyed her patient who had been placed on 100 oxygen. She had hoped that relieving the obstruction would improve things and perhaps it had but she also knew that the CT scan already looked like bad necrotizing pancreatitis. Unfortunately she feared Lucy would get worse before she got better.

"I need a 3-0 Macintosh and a 7.0 ET tube," Cynthia said solemnly.

"Propofol is running. Do you want succinylcholine?" the nurse asked.

"No, her potassium is on the high side as it is, lets use cisatricurium she's 40kilos."

The drugs were pushed and Cynthia positioned her laryngoscope blade, visualized the cords and slid the ET tube between them. She heard equal breath sounds, "Ok I'm in someone call for the chest x-ray and I guess now you want an art line too," she said beginning to prepare Lucy's left wrist with Betadine.

Kinsy the nurse who had asked about the succinylcholine brought her an arrow kit for the art line and began to work on zeroing the transducer. Cynthia stood poised, "Let me know when you're ready."

"We're set"

With one smooth motion Cynthia palpated Lucy's pulse and inserted the arrow she smiled at the flash of blood in the hub and threaded the wire into the vessel finally withdrawing the wire and leaving a slim catheter in place.

"I guess it's your night Dr. Stewart," Kinsy joked referring to her procedural prowess.

"Perhaps" was all Cynthia said as Kinsy swooped in to dress the site.

Outside Lucy's room she again tried to fill her colleague in on the details he would need to get through the night and her plan for the next 24 hours. As she was getting ready to leave he called after her, "Cynthia?"

"Yes?"

"Are you here in the morning?"

"In the ICU? Yes I'm working 6-6. If you have questions tonight GI or otherwise you can call me at home."

Ironically when Cynthia finally got home the first person she saw was Derek. Derek looked up from his early midnight snack at his mother, "You look tired."

"I had a long day," she said pulling out a chair and joining her son at the table with a glass of milk.

"Ice cream?" Derek offered.

"No thank you. I did actually have a sandwich while I was waiting for them to do the CT Scan that decided I needed to stay and do an ERCP. Did your father go to bed?"

"I think he did. About Laurel, is she going to be ok?"

"Well I think it will be awhile before she is ok but she's getting better and we're optimistic about her being home for Thanksgiving."

"Good. Is it alright if I invite Lucy for Thanksgiving?"

"Of course, you know your friends are always welcome in our home," Cynthia said with a shudder. It wasn't her place to tell Derek what had happened.

Derek finished his ice cream and loaded his bowl in the dishwasher. "Goodnight Mom," he called as he took the stairs to the east wing two at a time.

Cynthia said a silent prayer and then placed her own glass in the dishwasher and went upstairs to her husband. As she entered their suite Matt reached over and turned the light on by his side of the bed.

"Oh hi honey I was trying not wake you," Cynthia said.

"You know I never fully sleep until you're lying beside me."

"What do you do when I'm on call? When I spend all night in the hospital?"

"It's a rather long night then. However it looks like you're ending a long night. Do you need to talk?"

"I don't know. Tonight I took care of a college student who was too shamed by her eating disorder to allow me to call her parents. Now she lies alone on ventilator in the ICU."

"That is hard," Matt agreed.

Cynthia went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face when she came out she crawled into bed with her husband who held her tightly. Somehow in his arms all the ugliness of the world disappeared and they both slept soundly.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning Derek walked into Psychology lecture surprised to see Lucy not already there. Their professor showed up and began lecture but Lucy still wasn't there and this worried Derek a little. After all Lucy was punctual to a fault. When class was over Derek tried to call her but got no answer and her machine indicated she had multiple waiting messages.

Somewhat impulsively Derek stopped by her dorm on his way home. He easily followed another student into the building and knocked on Lucy's door. There was no answer. He fumbled in his backpack for something to leave a note with when her RA Rob came around the corner.

"What are you doing?" Rob asked.

"Oh I was just trying to leave a note for my girlfriend?"

"Your girlfriend?"

"Yes, Lucy Camden."

"Oh well I would have thought you would know then."

"Know what?" Derek asked.

"She's not there," Rob said flatly

'Well Duh' Derek thought "Yes I figured that when she didn't answer the door. That's why I was leaving the note"

"She's in the hospital," Rob finished.

"Hospital? Why?" Derek's concern showed in his voice.

"I don't know, something with her stomach or something."

Derek didn't wait to hear more he dashed back out to his jeep and drove quickly to PEMBROKE REGIONAL HOSPITAL. In the atrium of the main lobby the clerk at the information desk told him that yes they had a Lucy Camden and she was listed in serious condition in the ICU. She started to give him directions but Derek was already gone he knew the way to the ICU too well.

Derek navigated his way around the 36 bed ICU and found Lucy's room. He stood just inside the glass sliding door for a minute taking in the scene from the ventilator to the monitors there was lots of evidence that she had to be very sick.

"But I told you to take the potassium out of her IV fluids at 6 am when I came in," he recognized the voice as his mother's.

"Ok well, let's just take care of it now. You can hang normal saline if you need to until the other fluid comes up from pharmacy. Lets send another chem 7 and let me know if the potassium is above 5," she continued her voice getting closer as she walked down the back hallway of the ICU to Lucy's room.

She stopped at the door seeing her son, "Derek."

"Mom. Let me guess this was the patient that kept you here late. You intubated my girlfriend but you couldn't tell me that," Derek said angrily.

Cynthia touched his arm gently, "Why don't we talk about this, I understand you're hurt but let me explain why I didn't feel it was my place to tell you about Lucy," she suggested.

"I don't have anything else to say," Derek said turning and heading out the door.

Cynthia let him go. She had to, in the past 20 minutes she had intubated a new admission and extubated a patient she wasn't sure wouldn't need to be re-intubated. As hard as it was to put her patients before her children she had learned that was sometimes what she needed to do.

But she didn't need to do it alone she reminded herself. She picked up the phone and called her husband who she knew was in his office at the courthouse catching up on paperwork. Without mentioning Lucy's name or being explicit about her relationship with Derek to protect patient confidentiality she explained the situation. Matt agreed to go home in hopes of finding Derek who they both knew was hurting.


	7. Chapter 7

Derek pulled into the driveway shortly after his father had come home. He had driven around for a little while thinking. He realized he still had no more idea what had happened to Lucy than he had before. He was surprised to see his father in the kitchen when he entered the house.

"Dad? What are you doing here?"

"Well the last time I checked I still lived here. Your mother called she told me that you got some bad news about a friend. Can we talk about how you're feeling?"

"A friend? A friend? Lucy is much more than a friend she's the first woman I've ever truly loved."

"Yes I know that Lucy is very special to you and I can see that you are hurting. How can I help?"

"How could mom not tell me about this? How would you feel if this happened to her and you didn't know or if something happened to Danielle or Kati?"

"I'm sure your mother wanted to tell you. She probably felt like she needed to respect physician patient confidentiality though."

"But she told you."

"No, she just told me that you were upset. She carefully didn't tell me it was Lucy."

"Why does her being a doctor have to complicate so much?"

"You know Derek I bet she's wondering the same thing. These past 24 hours probably haven't been much easier for her than they were for you. But right now we're talking about you. What can I do to make this perhaps a little easier?"

Derek was silent. He didn't know what to say.

Meanwhile back in the ICU Lucy slept fitfully. Her eyes would open and she'd look around only to fall back into a feverish sleep. She awoke again as the nurse seemed to be drawing blood from her wrist. It didn't hurt, she was surprised by that and then looked around and saw the catheter in her wrist. She didn't think that had been there before.

She looked across the room at a white dry erase board where it was written "Good Afternoon. It is Wednesday November 13th. You are in Pembroke Regional Hospital". Instinctively she reached her hand toward her face and saw that she couldn't move her wrists they seemed to be fastened in place. She tried to speak, to ask the nurse to untie her hands but she couldn't. No sound came out.

Just then she looked in the direction of the doorway and saw Dr. Stewart come in. "Hello Lucy," she said cheerily. "Does anything hurt?" Lucy shook her head.

"Good, then I guess we're giving you enough pain medicine." She noticed Lucy's fidgeting with her wrists and said, "We restrained your hands so you wouldn't get confused and try to pull out any of the lines or tubes that you need right now. The tube in your mouth is helping you to breathe and it needs to stay in for at least a few more days."

Lucy nodded again. Cynthia continued, "You have an inflammation of your pancreas probably due to several stones that were in your biliary and pancreatic ducts. I removed the obstruction last night and now things should get better. However from the CT Scan we already knew that your pancreas has suffered some injury."

"So you're on antibiotics and a few medicines to help your pancreas to heal or keep your blood pressure high enough. You may feel a lot worse before you start to feel better. But you're in a good place and we're all going to do our best to take care of you," Cynthia said noting tears on Lucy's lashes.

"You can't talk because of the breathing tube but I'm going to untie your hand so you can ask me any questions and let me know if there is anything I can do. OK?"

Cynthia untied her right wrist and gave her hand a comforting squeeze.

"Are you sure you don't want me to contact your parents Lucy?"

'No don't tell them' Lucy scrawled on the pad by her bed.

"Is there anyone else? A sibling or maybe a friend from school?" Cynthia pressed further. She thought of her own children, she hoped they would never be as alone as Lucy seemed.

'Derek' Lucy wrote.

"May I tell him what happened?" Cynthia asked.

'Yes'

"Is there anything you don't want me to tell him?"

'No' Lucy scribbled and then lay back on her pillow exhausted.

Cynthia watched her fall asleep and then resecured her hand so she wouldn't do anything in her sleep. She took a deep breath and walked across the unit to the patient who needed her to place a new central line. She finished the line and reviewed the chest x ray to confirm position and then thought about the news she needed to share with her son. It was almost 6 pm. She would be leaving soon. She decided to wait and tell him at home.

It was around 6:30 by the time Cynthia returned home. Matt looked up from finishing dinner preparation and hugged her. She fell into his embrace, reassurance that things really would get better.

"Did your day get any better?" Matt asked as they released.

"Perhaps. I have permission to give Derek more information, so that makes it a little easier I suppose. Or I hope it does," Cynthia finished as Danielle and Kati came down the stairs into the kitchen.

Matt gave the salad a final toss. "Girls why don't you find Derek and Jenny so we can eat dinner?" He suggested bringing the salad into the dining room and setting it on the sideboard.

Dutifully Kati went off on her mission, and a few minutes later the six of them were sitting at the dining room table listening to Cynthia say grace. "Amen," Cynthia finished. She looked around the table which could accomodate up to 20 people, everyone seemed rather spaced out.

Derek was silent, stonily staring at his food. "Guess what?" Kati asked brightly.

"What dear?" Cynthia and Matt asked almost in unison.

"I'm going to be in the Winter Play."

"That's nice Kati, do you know what role you are playing?" Matt encouraged her to continue.

"Yes, I'm going to be Karen in Frosty the Snowman. But what I don't understand is why couldn't they just call her Kati for this production?"

"I'm not sure sweetie, I suppose because the scripts were written with the little girl being named Karen," Matt suggested.

"Sometimes people are resistant to change I guess," Kati decided.

"Yes Kati that can be true at times," Cynthia agreed, stifling a laugh.

"Next year when I'm in 2nd grade I hope we do the Nutcracker."

Conversation and dinner continued. Derek remained silent, and was about to bolt from the table as soon as his younger sisters started to clear the plates.

"Derek, may I speak with you?" Cynthia asked.

"What more is there to say mom?"

"Actually I have several things I feel I need to tell you."

"Alright," Derek said gruffly following his mother through the house

As the both sat somewhat uncomfortably on the couch, Cynthia began, "I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you more initially. I hope you can understand that I did that out of respect for Lucy's right to privacy, and although it was hard to not share this news with you I felt that I truly was unable to."

"Ok whatever," Derek said starting to get up from the couch.

"Derek, wait. Since then I've had more of an opportunity to talk to Lucy and she has allowed me permission to tell you about her medical condition."

Derek was silent. He was almost afraid to ask. Finally he said, "Will she be ok?"

"I hope so. She has necrotizing pancreatitis, initially due to an obstruction of her biliary and pancreatic ducts. I removed the obstruction last night and that should help things improve but she has already sustained significant injury to her pancreas. She's at high risk for developing sepsis or acute respiratory distress syndrome, and ultimately either of those events could be fatal. However I am optimistic that things looked a little better this afternoon."

"Does she still have all those tubes and stuff?"

"Yes, and I anticipate for at least a few more days she will probably require ventilatory support."

"So what am I supposed to do?" Derek asked. He wondered if it was a rhetorical question.

Cynthia however did not interpret it as such. "Well I think that Lucy at this point will be aware if you are there and I think that may be comforting to her. I also believe that she would want you to take care of yourself which probably means allowing yourself some time away, and not feeling guilty about it. It probably means opening up to your family and friends about how you're feeling with all of this."

"I'm scared," Derek finally said.

"I know. This is a scary thing and uncertainty is always difficult to deal with. Just remember your father and I love you very much."

"I'll try," Derek said accepting the hug his mother offered.


	8. Chapter 8

In spite of Cynthia's optimism over the next twenty-four hours Lucy continued to have fevers and then what Cynthia had feared began to evolve as she required increasing oxygen and ventilatory support. Cynthia and her colleagues dilligently tried to reach a balance with ventilator parameters and as her clinical course deteriorated further switched her to a special oscillator ventilator. By Friday afternoon her chest x-ray had bilateral fluffy infiltrates and she developed elevated ventilator pressures and her blood pressure fell slightly. A STAT chest film confirmed Cynthia's worst fears---pneumothorax and she emergently inserted the chest tube that reexpanded her lung.

As she looked at the film verifying lung re-expansion after her chest tube she thought again of Lucy's parents. Although she hadn't given up she knew that Lucy's condition was serious and she wondered if Lucy would have changed her mind if she was still able to communicate. However unfortunately Lucy was too sick to communicate and her refusal of Cynthia to notify her parents remained vividly in her mind. The situation as many Cynthia faced in the ICU was ethically complex and emotionally charged.

Initially she had wondered if Derek knew more about Lucy's family situation or why she was so adamant that they not know she was ill. As Derek had started to wonder more about why Lucy had gotten pancreatitis in the first place Cynthia had suggested that Lucy had some concerning habits and behaviors which most likely represented some form of an eating disorder and that may have made the process more likely. She didn't feel that she could implicate Lucy's eating disorder with one-hundred percent certainty so she didn't. At this point she had probed some about what Derek knew about Lucy's relationship with her parents and he seemed unaware. He knew that Lucy's father was a minister and she had six siblings. He thought her entire family still lived in California, although he wasn't sure of that.


	9. Chapter 9

_Final Chapter unless at least a few substantial reviews are received. Somehow this story has 1200 hits but only 9 reviews. If it's so bad then no one should mind if I stop updating._

Then just when things were seeming quite hopeless Lucy seemed to improve slightly. By the next Wednesday they were able to start weaning her ventilator settings again and a repeat CT scan of her abdomen looked slightly improved which as far as Cynthia was concerned was a lot better than looking worse which was the course she had seen patients with necrotizing pancreatitis take too often. She was even opening her eyes for moments and looking briefly around the room before drifting back off to sleep.

That night Lucy awoke febrile and confused. She looked around the dimly lit room frantically for minutes until she realized she was probably still in the hospital. She remembered bits and pieces of the preceding week, Derek's mom talking to her, Derek holding her hand and promising he would always love her (yet she wondered if he still would if he knew all her secrets). She remembered pieces of procedures more the sound of Cynthia's voice as she told her what she was about to do. Exhausted she fell back to sleep.

It was just becoming light as Matt took his morning run the next morning. As he ran he thought about the upcoming family thanksgiving celebration. It would be Kristin and Paul's first thanksgiving together he realized reminiscing about his first thanksgiving with Cynthia. At the time he never would have imagined all their life would involve. Yet if he had to do it all over he wouldn't change a thing.

Matt returned home and ascended the west staircase to the second floor of the west wing. As he entered the master bedroom suite Cynthia was coming out of their bathroom in a robe and her hair in a towel turban. They embraced and kissed and took in mixture of chlorine and shampoo. "Good morning," Cynthia murmured.

"Good morning, I thought you took the girls to swim and were heading to the hospital."

"No today is my reserved procedure morning and I don't have a case until 9 so I'm going to enjoy breakfast with you and the girls for a change."

"That sounds lovely."

"Yes, and then this afternoon I'll be finishing Kati's birthday shopping, and making time for a nap before call tonight."

"I had forgotten you were on call tonight."

"Yes, is that a problem?"

"No, it shouldn't be."

"This way I'll be home tomorrow when Laurel comes home from the hospital."

"Yes, that is definitely good. I have to admit I'm a little uneasy about all of that."

"I agree but I also can see that she's at a point where they aren't doing much in the hospital we can't do at home. It's going to take a lot of time for her to heal both emotionally and physically but I think we just have to be patient."

"I agree with that, I guess my concern is that she seems so terrified of me. I realize that she's finally thinking and according to Kristin even talking about horrible things that she avoided and repressed and I think that's good but I also really worry about how she'll do here having to see me every day."

"It's not you honey."

"I realize that. She's afraid of fathers, her words. Honestly from what I've heard she has a right to be. I'm just trying to be practical and see how we can make things as comfortable as possible for all involved."

"I think we just have to do the best we can and believe. Remember how many times we thought we'd never get there with Bethany or Derek."

"You're right. It's all we can do. We have to trust God to guide us on this one," Matt said heading into the bathroom to shower.

Cynthia dressed for the day and then went downstairs to start on breakfast. She was making omelettes when Jenny came downstairs into the kitchen. "Good morning sweetheart. Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah," Jenny said opening the refrigerator and getting out some orange-carrot juice.

"Do you have an omelette preference or would you prefer just plain scrambled eggs?"

"Plain scrambled eggs--sorry my stomach is just not adventurous in the morning," Jenny said pulling out a stool and sitting down at the breakfast bar in the kitchen to sip her juice.

"Will Chris be joining us for Thanksgiving dinner this year?" Cynthia asked referring to Jenny's boyfriend Christopher Ransom, a school psychologist who she had met when he went back to school to work on an additional degree in art therapy.

"Yes."

"Good we'll enjoy having him. I think your father will be doing most of the shopping for Thanksgiving this afternoon so I wanted to have at least a rough head count."

Later after an enjoyable leisurely breakfast with Matt, Danielle, Kati, and Jenny; Cynthia arrived at PEMBROKE REGIONAL MEDICAL CENTER and headed to the outpatient surgery center where her 3 morning cases were scheduled. Not unexpectedly the OR was already running behind and they estimated Cynthia wouldn't be able to start her first case until at least 930.

Going with the flow she decided to go visit Laurel and headed back to the main hospital to the adolescent unit. Laurel was still sleeping when she arrived and Cynthia stood for a moment in the doorway and reflected on all that had happened in the last 6 weeks. She remembered the intubation that she was perhaps to emotionally involved to do, but she had been the physician on call and she thanked God for watching over them that night and allowing it be smooth and successful. The next morning Laurel underwent bronchoscopy and the diagnosis of Pneumocystis Carinii Pneumonia (PCP) that Cynthia had suspected was confirmed. Although PCP was a common indicator of AIDS it was initially presumed to be due to immunosuppression due to Laurel's eating disorder and malnutrition. Her ventilator course was slow but she did improve and was eventually extubated. It was then, with Kristin's help, that she tearfully told them about the sexual abuse and then that Cynthia worried if perhaps there was another explanation for her pneumonia.

Thankfully Laurel tested HIV negative and did well outside of the ICU briefly but then started developing more fevers and became septic requiring her to return to the ICU ironically also on a night when Cynthia was on call and she did the honors of placing a new central line and arterial line and performing the spinal tap. Laurel recovered from her fungal sepsis and again returned to the adolescent unit. After long discussion with the infectious disease team, and her pediatrician Dr. Patrick they had decided to let her complete her course of IV antifungals at home and she had had a special PICC line placed for that and for nightime parenteral nutrition.

Laurel stirred in her sleep, clutching tighter to her stuffed giraffe, a gift from Kristin, as Cynthia crossed the room and sat gently on the edge of her bed. Laurel opened her eyes a few moments later to see her visitor.

"Good morning Laurel."

"Hi"

"Are you excited about going home tomorrow?"

"I guess, Kristin will be there right?"

"Well maybe not when you first get home, but she'll be coming tomorrow evening."

"Ok." Laurel seemed placated with that response. Just then Cynthia's pager went off informing her they would soon be ready for her in the OR.

"I guess I need to go and do my cases in the OR now. Is there anything you would like when I come back later this evening?"

Laurel shook her head.

Later Cynthia sat in the doctor's lounge dictating procedure notes after her three cases. She reflected on the variety of the morning. She had started with a 50 year old male with cirrhosis of the liver who had gotten an endoscopy and banding of his esophageal varices. Then she saw 14 year old boy with weight loss and stool changes who had needed an endoscopy and colonoscopy to exclude inflammatory bowel disease. Although his biopsies were still pending his bowel changes grossly looked consistent with Crohn's Disease. Finally she had seen a 6 week old infant with persistent jaundice who had needed a liver biopsy to exclude biliary atresia. She smiled remembering when she had originally decided she wanted to be able to take care of all ages and done a combined Medicine and Pediatrics residency. When she did her subspecialty training her colleagues assured her she wouldn't really manage to do both adult and pediatric gastroenterology. But Cynthia had perservered and even completed a pulmonary and critical care fellowship, and then she had kind of created her own job description. She split her time between ICU work and doing both adult and pediatric pulmonary and gastroenterology. One of her special interests was cystic fibrosis a disease that frequently resulted in both pulmonary and gastroenterological manifestations.

Finished dictating Cynthia went back into the locker room to change out of scrubs and into clothes. It was a little before noon and spontaneously she decided to see if her husband was free for lunch.

Later, it was almost midnight as Cynthia threaded the wire into her patient's subclavian vein. She was passing the vessel dilator when Nanette one of the nighttime ICU nurses came in. "Can I go up on the drip in 18?"

"I think the plan was to try to extubate in the morning so I'd rather not do that," Cynthia said removing the dilator and beginning to pass the catheter over the wire.

"Well we need to do something because I'm not dealing with this all night. She's thrashing and biting on the tube and then the vent alarms?"

"Does she follow commands? Maybe we can just extubate tonight," Cynthia suggested withdrawing the wire through the catheter and replacing the cap on the brown port.

"Well I don't know."

"Well if she isn't following commands then I probably won't want to extubate but if she is then it seems silly to snow her now just to keep her on the ventilator," Christine said aspirating and flushing the lumens of her line with heparin and saline. "Why don't you see if she follows commands and get our respiratory therapist and we'll consider extubating," Christine finished reaching for the needle to suture the line in place.

Nanette stomped out of the room. She was a new nurse who came across as rather insolent and rude. It was not the first night she and Cynthia had disagreed on sedation issues. Nanette made it clear that if the patient could move then they were not adequately sedated whereas Cynthia aimed more to have people comfortable but not completely comatose.

Cynthia finished suturing the line in place, and cleaned up her needles, scalpel and other sharps and then tossed the remainder of the tray in the trash. She poked her head into the next room where Grace the nurse who had the patient was changing a dressing. "Ok that line is in and I flushed with both heparin and saline if you want to call for an x-ray and let me know when they come up to shoot it and we'll check placement and then you can switch the Norepinephrine over. I'm going to see if we can extubate our friend in 18 if you need me."

"Thanks Cyn," Grace said.

"No problem."

Grace watched her walk away and then turned back to Mr. Ryder's dressing. Cynthia had just become the director of Critical Care and Emergency Services when she had returned to nursing 8 years ago. In some ways it had been nice to see a familiar face as she had known Cynthia years earlier. Her daughter Amy and Cynthia and Matt's daughter Bethany had become best friends. When Bethany had lost her battle with AML Amy had merely looked at Grace knowlingly and said "It's ok mommy, she's not hurting anymore. I know I'll see her soon." Amy, diagnosed with Rhabdosarcoma two years earlier had been right. Three months after Bethany's death Grace found herself planning Amy's memorial service.

On the other side of the ICU Cynthia entered Lucy's room. From the doorway she realized that perhaps Nanette hadn't exaggerated. Thrashing was a rather accurate descriptor of what Lucy was doing, yet she appeared to still be asleep. Gently Cynthia put a hand on Lucy's shoulder. "Shhh it's ok. You're in a safe place Lucy. No one is going to hurt you," she said in her most soothing voice. "Shhhh"

Her words seemed to reach Lucy, and the thrashing subsided. Lucy lay absolutely motionless for a moment and then opened her eyes. She looked around the room reorienting herself. "Hello Lucy," Cynthia began. "Would you like us to take that tube out?"

Lucy nodded.

"Can you squeeze my hand?" Cynthia asked and obligingly Lucy squeezed.

The respiratory therapist joined them, and finally they sat her up and deflated the balloon that secured the ET tube and finally removed it. Lucy coughed and sputtered and then took a deep breath. "My throat hurts," Lucy complained.

"Yes, it's normal for it to be a little irritated from having the breathing tube in. It will feel better, just relax."

Lucy took another deep breath and lay back on her pillow. She still felt uncomfortable and she shut her eyes for a moment to rest.

"I'll be back in a minute Lucy, just try to rest," Cynthia suggested going out to check the chest xray which comfirmed good placement of the line she had just put in. She ventured back into Lucy's room but she seemed to be comfortably asleep. She paused for a few moments by Lucy's bed but she continued to sleep soundly so she went out and checked on a few more patients, made some ventilator changes and finally around 230 am was about to head into her callroom.

In fact her hand was on the door when Nanette grabbed her again. "She's thrashing around again."

Cynthia followed Nanette back into Lucy's room and again observed the thrashing almost as if Lucy was struggling to get away from someone. Again she soothed and calmed her until finally Lucy opened her eyes and began to sob.

Cynthia took her hand and sat down in the chair beside her bed. "It's ok Lucy."

"It doesn't feel ok."

"What doesn't feel ok?"

"My stomach hurts."

"I think it may for awhile but we can give you medicine for pain," Cynthia offered.

"I don't feel good."

"I know, it's all going to take some time. But you are doing so much better than you were a week ago and pretty soon you can probably leave the ICU and go to a regular floor bed. The ICU can be a scary place lots of lines and tubes and loud noises from monitor and ventilator alarms."

"I guess. How much longer do you think I will be in the hospital?"

"Maybe another week or two."

"Yikes I'll miss finals or at least be so unprepared for them. I can't do that."

"Well maybe you'll be discharged a little sooner than that but you have to remember you were very sick and it may take your body awhile to recover. School will still be there when you feel better."

"You don't understand!" Lucy protested.

"Can you try to explain?" Cynthia asked.

"I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter."

"I think it matters a lot."

"It's just I'm such a failure, and if I fail out of school it will just be another example of that. You wouldn't understand your children are all successful and perfect!"

"Lucy, first no one is perfect and I can think of times that all of our children have struggled. Life is hard and we do the best we can. As far as school is concerned I'm sure that if you talk to your professors we can arrange for you to get incompletes or take a leave of absence. Your first priority should be getting well."

Lucy was silent so Cynthia continued, "Have you thought about talking to your parents. Sometimes I think parents can surprise us."

"No!"

"Alright do you think maybe you can try to sleep again?"

"Maybe."

"Good, if you need anything I'll be here all night."

"Really?"

"Yes."


	10. Chapter 10

_Thanks for the reviews and bear with me we're getting to a point (in the next few chapters) where there are lot of Derek & Lucy scenes. I realize some of the Stewart family stuff may seem a little distracting but it all ties together later. Additionally you will see some more familiar characters coming to visit soon. _

Eventually Lucy did fall asleep and Cynthia even got almost 2 hours herself in her call room. The next morning she rounded with her colleague Dr. Tepper and then left the ICU. It was only 630 so she stopped at FITNESS PLUS, the health club their family belonged to and where Danielle and Kati had swim practice. As she swum in one of the outer lanes not reserved for swim practice she thought of Lucy. She also thought of Derek and realized that as distant as Lucy seemed to have become with her parents Derek had once been with them. She was glad those days were over.

Later as she drove Danielle and Kati home to eat breakfast and get ready for school they told her excitedly about the welcome home banner their dad had helped them make for Laurel. "When does she come home mommy?" Kati asked excitedly.

"Sometime this morning. She'll be home when you return home from soccer practice after school," Cynthia assured them.

Later that morning Cynthia was in the west wing laundry room doing laundry. Matt had headed to work, Kati, Danielle, Derek and Jenny had all headed to school. The phone rang and Cythia picked up the cordless phone. "Hello!"

"Hi Mom it's Kristin."

"Hello honey, how are you?"

"Tired, call was exhausting last night. Lots of procedures though so a good learning experience. 6 intubations, 3 lines and a chest tube. The sad thing is that each procedure represents a sick child." Kristin described her NICU night.

"I know honey, but as long as you remember that then I think you'll always be a compassionate physician."

"I hope so. Anyway I was calling because we finished rounding and I'm supposed to teach a water aerobics class at 10:30 but I could probably make the 12:10 train if someone could pick me up at the train station. Paul will likely be in the OR until at least 7 this evening and I was hoping to be home sooner."

"Well I'm sure your younger sisters would be thrilled to see you sooner. I'm not sure what time Laurel is being released today but we'll work around that somehow. Your train will arrive around 2?"

"Yes."

"I'll see you then Kristin. I love you."

"I love you too mom. Oh wait..."

"Yes?"

"How is Lucy? Paul and I have included her in our prayers this past week."

"She's doing much better. She's off the ventilator now."

"That's great!"

"Yes it is very encouraging," Cynthia agreed hanging up the phone.

Cynthia arrived at the train station just outside Pembroke a little before 2pm. In the station she noted that Kristin's train was on schedule and expected any moment. She heard the sound of the train pulling into the station and realized that Kristin had arrived.

She watched Kristin walk towards her on the platform, pulling a wheeled carryon behind her. Cynthia smiled at her daughter's inability to "travel light" but determination to follow her OB's no heavy lifting doctrine. She and Kristin hugged when Kristin reached her.

"How was the train?" Cynthia asked as they walked together through the station.

"It was alright. I slept most of the way."

"Good. You probably needed the rest. How are you feeling?"

"I'm ok. I guess more tired than anything else?"

"Are you still having fevers?" Cynthia opened the back hatch of her subaru outback and hoisted Kristin's suitcase inside.

"Not really," Kristin said opening the front passenger door of the car. "I've been taking diflucan. The blood culture isolate was sensitive to that and it's oral so it seemed like the best option. Plus I'm worried about how Amphotericin might affect the baby."

"It really hasn't been studied that much in pregnancy but I'm sure you've figured that out."

"Yeah, plus I've really felt awful when I've taken it in the past. I definitely empathize with Laurel about that. Will she really need to take this for 3 more weeks?"

"Perhaps even longer because although the transthoracic echocardiogram looked ok infectious disease has recommended possibly considering a transesophageal echo when she is more stable to ensure they don't need to treat for 6 weeks."

"Poor Laurel, that can't be fun."

"No I don't think it has been but I think being home will be better at least," Cynthia said turning into the south entrance to PEMBROKE REGIONAL HOSPITAL.

Cynthia and Kristin walked into Laurel's hospital room. Laurel lay quietly in bed her back to the door. Cynthia noted that Laurel's Amphotericin infusion was almost completed and that unfortunately Laurel still seemed to be pretty uncomfortable with the medication, judging by the chills and her movements. Unfortunately she also knew that if they didn't treat the infection Laurel was at a great risk for another overwhelming and possibly fatal fungal infection. Cynthia hoped that perhaps being home in a familiar and more comfortable bed would make at least a little difference.

Kristin sat gently on Laurel's bed and instinctively Laurel turned to her. "Kristin!" she cried excitedly and warmly accepted Kristin's embrace. Kristin held her while Cynthia went off in search of a nurse so that Laurel's PICC line could be flushed and then locked for discharge.

"Are you cold?" Kristin asked.

"Yeah," Laurel shivered and Kristin held her more tightly.

"I still get to go home right?" Laurel asked.

"Yes, I think mom's just making sure everything is ready for that. I think you'll feel more comfortable at home. We'll do the best we can to make you comfortable."

"Ok," Laurel said sleepily. Her eyes shut and her thumb found it's way to her mouth.

Kristin watched her sleep for a few moments, realizing that Laurel seemed much younger than 13. The thumb sucking made quite an impression on Kristin since somehow neither she or any of her younger sisters been pacifier or thumb sucking children. Of course her father had always claimed they were happy babies and recent research had showed sucking to be a self soothing and pain relieving method for infants. Interestingly Kristin knew some pediatricians who performed circumcisions with only "pacifier analgesia" and although her mother always used dorsal blocks before the procedure when she was covering the nursery there was literature that suggested the pain relief with anesthesia was really not much better.

Yet, it was something more than sleeping with her thumb in mouth that made Kristin concerned. She thought about her father's work with substance addicted adolescents and his addictions research. With chemical addictions there was a theory that cognitive and emotional development was halted at the time the addiction started. Whether that theory could be applied to adolescents with eating disorders or who had been abused had been questioned but it seemed plausible to Kristin that perhaps it could be.

Kristin looked up as her mom came back in the room. "I think we're all set. Jane is going to come in and disconnect her PICC line and flush it. Oh she looks peaceful I almost hate to wake her to go home."

"Maybe we don't need to." Kristin suggested as the nurse came in and flushed Laurel's PICC line and then redressed it. As she was finishing Laurel started to stir in her sleep and move uncomfortably. She screamed out. "Ok on second thought I guess the peaceful part of sleep is over." Kristin decided.

Laurel's eyes snapped open and she sat up and then fell back against Kristin's chest exhausted. "Another bad dream sweetie?" Cynthia asked.

Laurel nodded.

"Why don't we go home?"

"Yes. Did you bring me clothes?"

"Yes I did," Cynthia said opening a duffle bag and taking out a pair of jeans, a long sleeved t-shirt, underwear, socks and a pair of penny loafers.

Kristin helped Laurel dress, as she was still rather weak, but finally by 4 pm they were leaving. As they were walking through the door to leave the adolescent unit they were almost assaulted by one of the hospital orderlies doing a little dangerous driving and pushing a patient on a hospital bed. Kristin was almost too busy getting out of the way to recognize the patient as Lucy.

'Beep Beep' Cynthia silenced her pager and made a face. It was after 4 and technically she was on call for pediatric gastroenterology over the weekend but she had been in vain hoping for a quiet weekend especially since Sunday was Kaitlin's 5th birthday. "Hold on just a second girls let me return this page," Cynthia said turning to go back into the adolescent unit to use the phone.

A quick call to the ER informed her that there was a 2 year old who had swallowed a battery that was in his esophagus. "If you want maybe we can admit them overnight and see if it passes," one of the ER physicians Dr. Harrison suggested.

Cynthia made a mental note to review Dr. Harrison's credential file and replied, "I think that would be a bad idea as the battery can do significant damage. Has the child eaten recently?"

"No, not since he ate the battery a few hours ago. They went to the hospital in Monroe first and then got sent here because they don't have a gastroenterologist on call"

"Yes I think that was probably wise on the part of the physician who saw the child there. Keep him NPO, get a chest x-ray if you haven't already. I'll talk to anesthesia and see if we have an OR available and then come down and talk to the parents," Cynthia said starting to page Dr. Dennis who she knew was on call.

Dr. Dennis quickly returned the page and said that they were finishing up 3 cases and that Dr. Clark was getting ready to do an appendectomy but that he thought they should have a room available around 430. Cynthia sighed and broke the bad news to Laurel and Kristin.

"We have two options at least. You can call your dad who should be done with court by 430 or so and have him collect you when he is. You can also just take my keys and go home and I'll call when I'm ready and you or your dad or someone can come get me."

"Why don't we call dad because I don't want to leave you stranded here mom."

"I wouldn't be stranded but if you are willing to do that it would be easier for me. Are you holding up ok Laurel?"

"I'm ok," Laurel lied.

"Ok, well I'm going down to the ER to see this kid. Page me if you have any problems. Ok?" Cynthia said hugging both girls before she left."

Jane, who had been Laurel's nurse most of her hospitalization on the adolescent unit returned to the front nurses station where Kristin was calling her father. "I thought you were busting out of here kiddo," she said to Laurel smiling.

"Well I guess when your mom is a really good doctor lot's of people need her help." Laurel said simply.

"That's true, and your mom is a good doctor but don't tell her I admitted that," Jane agreed.

Kristin smiled at their conversation. Jane was quite a character Kristin remembered her from some of her own admissions. She also noted how Laurel had described their mom, she took that as a good sign, she had noticed signs of bonding between them as well. She knew things would be more awkward with her father but she was confident that Laurel would become comfortable in their family.

Kristin hung up the phone. "Dad will be here in about 25 minutes or so," she said to Laurel.

"Can I finish watching the movie then?"

"What movie?" Kristin asked.

"Legally Blond," Laurel and Jane answered her at the same time.

"I don't see why not Laurel, I'll put it on in the lounge for you," Jane suggested.

After Laurel was settled with her movie Kristin decided to go see if she could visit with Lucy for a little while. "I'm going to go see someone will you be ok here for a few minutes?"

"Yes," Laurel said intently watching Reese Witherspoon on the screen.

Cautiously Kristin opened Lucy's door a crack, she wasn't sure if Lucy wanted visitors or not. "Luce, it's Kristin,"she called

"Oh hi," Lucy called. "Come in," she tried to sound enthusiastic.

Kristin entered and crossed the room to stand by Lucy's bed. "I'm glad to see you are feeling better."

"Yeah but I guess I'm going to be stuck here for awhile."

"I'm sorry. I know the hospital can be a drag but sometimes it's exactly where you need to be."

"What do you mean?" Lucy asked. She thought back to the anonymous teddy bear and numbers for doctors she had received in the mail. She had suspected it was from Kristin and part of her had longed to tell Derek about it and ask for Kristin's phone number so she could thank her and maybe because it meant Kristin would help her. But the larger part of her was just more leary around Kristin and desperate for her to not know her secret.

"I know sometimes it's hard to ask for help but I think we need to realize we're vulnerable in our own ways. We all have our own struggles."

"I'm scared!"

"I know, life can be pretty scary sometimes. It's a lot less scary when you have support."

"This is all so easy for you! Do you even know what it means to struggle? You're beautiful and smart. You breezed through college and finished medical school when you were 22. People adore you. You have parents and a husband who worship you. It isn't so easy for me!" Lucy retorted.

Kristin was silent for a moment trying to choose her words carefully. She was uncertain what to say and decided that pointing out to Lucy she had finished medical school at 21 not 22 would not be the place to start. She reached for Lucy's hand, "What can I do to make things easier for you?"

Lucy cried. She longed to answer Kristin honestly but instead she said "Convince them to let me go back to school so failing out of college isn't another thing I must add to my list of." Lucy stopped abruptly and Kristin followed her eyes to see her father standing in the doorway.

"Hello Lucy."

"Uh hi," Lucy mumbled.

"Kristin whenever you are ready we can leave. Laurel is watching the end of her movie but I promised her that we could rent the movie if we didn't have it at home and she didn't get to see the end of it."

"We have it at home. It's the one where Reese Witherspoon goes to law school," Kristin explained.

"Legally Blond?" Lucy guessed.

"Yes."

"That was kind of cute. I should rest. Thank you for visiting Kristin." Lucy said.

"Do you need anything before we go?" Kristin offered.

"No."

As she followed her father back to the lounge where Laurel was getting ready to leave he pulled her into a hug. "We've missed you sweetheart!"

"I've missed you guys too. I always love coming home, I know things are crazy but somehow I always feel this peace," Kristin said as they joined Laurel. After leaving the hospital they stopped to pick up first Kati at one of her last soccer practices of the season. Danielle had gone with her highschool varsity soccer team to the State Tournament 1.5 hours away in Madsen. They played in a semifinal game at 6pm and then perhaps in the finals at noon. Kati also had a soccer game on Saturday at 9 so it would be tight making it Danielle's game on time but that was the goal.

Meanwhile Cynthia's afternoon had improved significantly. Promptly at 430 she had gotten into the OR and she easily removed 2 button batteries from little Michael Warren's esophagus. The mucosa looked red and ulcerated but there wasn't evidence of perforation. While the anesthesiologists were recovering him she quickly dictated an admit note and a procedure note and wrote some orders. She then went out to talk to his mother on her way home. She found herself pulling into the driveway moments after her husband.

Kati scampered happily from the back seat of her dad's SUV and started towards the house. Laurel instead turned to Kristin while her dad was unloading their stuff. "I don't feel good!" she cried.

Kristin patted her head, " I know Laurel. It's going to get easier you just have to keep working at it. Come on I'll help you inside."

That evening after dinner, and after Kati was asleep, Danielle called to give them the good news that her team had won their soccer game and would be playing in the finals of the state soccer tournament. Kristin was just getting off the phone with her when Paul arrived.

Meanwhile Derek had gone to the hospital to visit Lucy. He had to admit that her being out of the ICU made him much more comfortable. As far as he was concerned the ICU was a scary and unpleasant place. It had always been hard to visit Jenny when she had been in the ICU, and although he hated to admit it he hadn't visited Lucy as much as he felt he should have.

Lucy's eyes were closed as he entered her room and Derek stood silently by her bed for a few moments. He didn't want to disturb her but at the same time he was anxious to talk to her. Lucy's eyes blinked and then opened, "Derek!"

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Derek asked sitting down in the chair by her bed and taking her hand.

"I'm ok, now that you're here" Lucy said sitting up and falling into Derek's arms. He held her for a few moments, enjoying the closeness as Lucy melted into his embrace. She tilted her chin back to look into his eyes and they began to kiss.

They were still kissing when the nurse came in to give Lucy's next dose of antibiotic. "I love you!" Derek said as they were forced to terminate their embrace.

"I love you too," Lucy said dreamily.


	11. Chapter 11

_Thanks for the reviews. I know the character development of some of the other characters may not be that exciting to some 7th Heaven fans but it makes a lot more sense when you understand character motivations and dynamics I think. Don't worry Lucy won't be stuck in the hospital for ever. _

Back at 1872 Lilac Drive, Paul lay in bed holding his wife as she slept, yet sleep eluded him. He worried about Kristin and the baby yet in his heart he held optimistic dreams of their daughter. Happy, healthy, and toddling around kicking a soccer ball. He chuckled at the soccer image however he wondered if it would even be possible for Kristin to have a child who didn't play soccer.

Through his embrace he felt Kristin stir, and he caught his own breath. Kristin opened her eyes to an overwhelming wave of nausea, what a wonderful way to wake up she thought lying very still.

"Kristin?" Paul called softly.

Kristin debated responding to her husband, occasionally if she lay very still and willed herself she could get past the nausea. She really didn't feel well though, sweaty and uncomfortable, she felt her heart beating faster and irregularly. She squeezed Paul's hand and tried to bear down in an effort to break the process of the arrhythmia something she'd become very accustomed to.

Paul sat up in bed, "Honey? What's wrong," he asked reaching to turn on the light.

Kristin's appearance frightened him. She was diaphoretic and pale. "Kristin can you talk to me?"

"Nifedipine," was all she said and Paul understood. He brought her a bottle of pills and she allowed 1 to dissolve under her tongue. She could feel her heart rate slowing whether it was due to the medication she had taken or her own efforts with valsalvaing was something she was never really sure about but she didn't question. She was just glad to feel better.

Paul took her hand again and sat down next to her on the bed. "Is it getting better?"

"Yeah," Kristin said softly.

"Good, your face has a little more color."

"I feel better." Kristin said but Paul noted that her voice still sounded weak.

"Really?"

"Yes," Kristin said kissing her husband.

Derek awoke to the sound of the nurse telling him that they didn't allow non family overnight visitors on the adolescent unit. He opened his eyes and took a moment to orient himself, his watch told him it was almost midnight but he couldn't imagine he had slept that long, and all in the uncomfortable chair by Lucy's bed.

He stood and kissed Lucy gently and then followed the nurse out of the room. As Derek lay in his own bed later that night he thought about what he and Lucy had talked about. Lucy was worried about all the class she was missing, which Derek could understand was distressing to her. Apparently her doctor, Dr. West, had suggested that she would be in the hospital for several more weeks unless there was someone she could stay with during her convalescence. She didn't want to go back to her parents since that would ensure she miss the rest of the semester. Of course Derek thought he had a perfect solution. Lucy could just stay with them.

However, the next morning when Derek broached the idea to his father instead of the 'of course son' he was expecting, his father said, "I think we really need to give that some thought and talk more about that. I need to go coach a soccer game and then we'll be rushing to make it to Danielle's game but I promise you that we can discuss this tonight providing your mother is able to be home."

"I'm not sure what there is to discuss," Derek said storming up the kitchen stairs angrily and nearly colliding with Kristin and Paul who were on their way downstairs.

"Is Derek ok?" Kristin asked her dad as they entered the kitchen.

"I gave him an answer he didn't like basically." Her father explained.

"Oh." Kristin said uncertain if she should question further.

"Does it look like mom will be able to join us for Danielle's game?"

"When I talked to her a few minutes ago she had finished all the lines she needed to put in but had just heard about a child who swallowed a coin yesterday and was being sent to Pembroke for removal."

"Oh it must not have moved, too bad she didn't know about him last night."

"Yes, but she's hopeful that she can finish before we need to leave. She's upset about missing Kati's game though," Matt said as Kati bounced down the stairs.

"Yes because my soccer game is going to be fun and exciting," Kati said giggling.

Kristin hugged her little sister as her grandmother came into the kitchen. She was going to stay with Laurel while the family was away. Laurel hadn't been as happy about the arrangement as Kristin had hoped she would be. Kristin had always felt safe and comfortable with her grandmother and was certain that Laurel would feel the same eventually.

While her dad and Paul were loading the cooler full of lunch and several blankets into the back compartment of their ford windstar Kristin went up to say goodbye to Laurel. She was surprised to see that Laurel was dressed. She was sitting on her unmade bed brushing her hair. "Can I go to Danielle's soccer game?"

Laurel's question caught Kristin off guard. It was the first time that Laurel had voluntarily wanted to do something supportive of Danielle or Kati or something with the rest of the family. "It will be a long day Laurel are you sure you feel up to it?" Kristin asked.

"Well couldn't I just sleep in the van if I got tired?" She seemed to have a point Kristin realized. She would miss her Amphotericin infusion but they had been thinking about moving that to later in the evening anyway so that perhaps she would sleep through the associated unpleasantness.

"Get your jacket and we'll check with dad ok?" Kristin suggested gathering up a pillow and an extra blanket from Laurel's bed.

She led Laurel down the kitchen stairs and through the kitchen, dining room, and parlor into the front hall and out the front door. Her dad looked up from his challenge of trying to fit both the cooler and soccer equipment in the back compartment of the van. "Good morning Laurel."

Laurel turned to Kristin and buried her head in their embrace in response to her foster father's comment. Intellectually she knew she was being silly but he didn't understand how fathers in general just made her uncomfortable. It was hard for her to believe that not all fathers were like hers.

"Laurel is going to come with us," Kristin explained.

"Great. Just make sure you have warm clothes I think it's usually about ten degrees cooler in Madsen."

At Community Commons Laurel huddled in a blanket watching Kati and the rest of her 8 & under team trounce another group of munchkins. She supposed Kati was pretty good since she seemed to be able to run faster than a lot of the other kids and had scored several goals. Laurel had never been into playing soccer or other sports. She had been cheerleader in 7th grade though and that had been kind of fun. Danielle was a cheerleader and a soccer player and she knew that Kristin had cheered when she was in high school. Danielle wasn't a very happy cheerleader she found the other girls on the squad to be mostly petty and superficial and rather cruel. From what Laurel understood Danielle had only tried out to lend moral support to one of her friends who had then not made the squad and Danielle was stuck on the squad.

Laurel reflected on the unfairness of life. She wondered what it would be like if the traumas of her life involved being "stuck on the cheering squad" or crowned homecoming queen like Danielle had been. The whistle signaling that Kati's game was over interrupted her thoughts.

Later in the van as the pulled out of the parking lot Kati was talking happily about their 5-0 win and her 3 goals. Laurel tuned out and reached for her discman and put in her favorite Sheryl Crow CD. They stopped at PEMBROKE REGIONAL HOSPITAL and surprisingly Cynthia was waiting for them inside the main lobby and then they were off and on the road to Danielle's soccer game.

Matt and Cynthia occupied the two front seats of the mini van with Laurel in the first of 3 rows of bench seats, Kristin, Paul, and Kati in the second row playing hearts. The back row was empty. Cynthia was a little surprised by the occupants of the van. Or mainly that Laurel was there and that Derek wasn't.

"Did Derek decide to drive himself?" she asked.

"Actually I think he's upset with us and unfortunately Danielle will suffer." Matt began.

"Did something happen?"

"Well I think I gave him an answer he wasn't expecting or very happy with."

"What was the question?"

"He would like Lucy to stay with us for awhile after she is released from the hospital. From what he says I think there is also possibly an option for an earlier release if she does stay with us. I told him it was something we would need to discuss with him further and that we could do that this evening. Your pager willing of course."

"I see."

"Well I have some concerns about this and I wanted to talk to you before we talked to Derek anyway," Matt said.

Cynthia hesitated to continue, she glanced back at the children. Laurel seemed to be drifting off behind her discman and Kristin and Kati seemed engrossed in their game and the rear speakers were on. "What were your concerns?" she finally asked.

"I guess I just wonder why Lucy wouldn't want her own parents now. If Kristin was sick I would want her to come home to us."

"And Kristin would, at least to you. You have a slightly different bond with the girls one that I'll never have and that's ok but I admit there were times when I wasn't always sure Kristin would come to me. My prayers were that somehow God would keep her safe. What if that's all Lucy's parents wanted?"

"That's fair and I think it's what all parents want. I just worry that if we do this we may increase the distance between Lucy and her parents. I sense things are pretty vulnerable right now and perhaps this is a critical point in their relationship. Of course there is another possibility that I don't want to think of. Perhaps Lucy has reason to not turn to her parents."

"Perhaps and perhaps seeing how much we love our children will remind Lucy how much she is also loved by her parents. If that is the case. I only think we are interfering in their relationship if we knew that if we said no Lucy would go back to California. I personally think it's highly unlikely that she will."

"You may be right. I guess we did help Daphne find her way back to her family, perhaps the same will be true for Lucy."

They arrived at Danielle's game just as the players were finishing their warmups. The family had just gotten settled in the stands when Matt heard his cellphone ring.

"Hello"

"Dad? It's Derek. Listen I'm sorry about before but right now I'm hopelessly lost."

Matt smiled and helped redirect his son. He replaced his phone and pulled Cynthia closer to him. "Derek's growing up, he rethought his decisions from the morning and decided to come to Danielle's game after all. His sense of direction hasn't improved much though. I think now that he's going in the right direction again he's about 15 minutes away." Matt explained as the Danielle's game began.


	12. Chapter 12

_Given some of the actions/interactions/ Camden family dynamics during Lucy's senior year of high school I'm not so sure that Eric and Annie would have been much more involved than they have been. Additionally Lucy is actively avoiding them because of the past and because of some of her shame surrounding her eating disorder. Bear with me because (I hope at least) a lot of questions will soon be answered and this will make a lot more sense. Thank you for reading, constructive criticism is always welcome. _

The first few minutes of the game were tense and scoreless as was usually the case when two of the best teams in the state battled each other. Finally 8 minutes into the first half Danielle broke free and drove the ball all the way down the field to score. "Yay Danielle!" Matt heard Kati cheer.

Cynthia snuggled back into her husbands embrace watching Danielle play soccer but at the same time thinking about their atypical yet wonderful marriage. She smiled remembering how she had initially almost refused to date her husband since he was Christian. But Matthew Stewart had been handsome and charming. Her older sister Kat tried to remind her that Christianity and even Catholicism was much more than the hypocritical Catholic church they had been raised in. Reluctantly Cynthia had allowed Matt to love her and in time she agreed to accompany him to church. She remembered one of the hymns that day had told how "They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love" and how in time in Matt's congregation she had grown to feel and see that love all around her.

She married Matt when she was 18 and they had their first child a little more than a year later. It was a challenge as she was finishing up her bachelors degree in nutrition and planning on going to medical school and Matt was a law student. Her parents were appalled that she had married outside "the faith" and that she was determined to have an education let alone a career. But somehow they survived. She wasn't the type of mother her mother had envisioned although in retrospect Cynthia realized that kind of mother wasn't the kind anyone should strive for. In reality their marriage and family thrived because they made it work. When Adam and Kristin were young Matt had been pro-counsel for DSS and able to do much of his work from home.

She looked over at her daughter and son in law and remembered to the night many years ago that Matt had met her at the door when she came home from the hospital. Cynthia turned to kiss him but in an instant she sensed something was wrong. "What's wrong honey?" she asked perceptively.

"Kristin has another stomach ache."

"Ooh poor kid, did you manage to get her to go to sleep?"

"Cyn I need your help. Kristin needs you."

"Of course she's a little girl and she hurts and she needs to know that her parents love her and that they won't leave her. If you'll get a start on dinner I'll go up and sit with her, she shouldn't wake up alone."

"No, it's more than that. I know our daughter and right now she's in agony, probably the worst pain of her life. Dr. Mitchell says it's nothing to worry about but he can't be right. Something is wrong here. I know you shouldn't treat our kids, but please try this once. Let her show you where it hurts; maybe you'll think of something. We owe her that, Kristin needs someone to be on her side to be her advocate."

I'll try" was all she said as she started up the stairs in the front hall. Kristin was still asleep when she tiptoed in and crept across the carpeted floor. She sat down in the rocking chair and regarded her sleeping child. Kristin was beautiful with finely carved delicate features, long thick dark lashes, and a heart shaped mouth. Cynthia took her daughter's hand into her own, her eyes misting as she thought of children from work who had slipped away way too fast. Her mind was already working overtime imagining the worst when Kristin stirred in her sleep.

"Shhh, it's o.k. Kristin mommy's here" she crooned. Kristin's eyes fluttered, blinked, and finally opened.

"How does your stomach feel?"

"I think it's a little better" Kristin chose her words carefully she didn't want to make her mom feel badly.

"Can you show me where it hurts?"

"Sure." Kristin slowly pulled the coverlet back and lifted her shirt to show her. But the pain seemed a lot lower than Cynthia had thought, below her waist.

"May I look at your stomach?"

"That's what Dr. Mitchell always says and then he pushes on it and it hurts more."

"You're right that's not a very good choice of words, and I may make it hurt more too but I'll be as gentle as possible. May I try?"

Kristin looked up at her mom, her eyes were full of pain and fear, "Do you think I'm pretending it hurts?"

"No of course not. I can tell you're hurting a lot and I wish I could take all the pain away."

"But I heard daddy and Dr. Mitchell talking. Dr. Mitchell said there wasn't anything wrong and that it couldn't be as bad as I thought."

"Oh sweetheart I'm sorry. Dr. Mitchell shouldn't have said that, only you know what it feels like."

"You can touch my stomach mom, I trust you."

Cynthia had examined thousands of abdomens but this was very different. As she lightly palpated the upper quadrants she watched her daughter's face and palpated more deeply. She moved down into the hypogastric or suprapubic area. She noted the involuntary guarding and that the area seemed boggy, she palpated more deeply and then withdrew her hand slowly, testing for rebound wouldn't really give her any new information.

"Do you know why it hurts?"

"I'm not sure, I'd like to make you another doctor's appointment."

"I don't want to go back to Dr. Mitchell."

"You don't have to, first I want you to see one of the doctors I work with at the hospital and then we'll find you a new pediatrician."

"O.k."

"I'll rub your back maybe that will help you feel better."

Kristin had fallen asleep by the time Matt came up to tell them that dinner was ready and that Adam was eating at Jimmy's house. In the kitchen Matt and Cynthia talked. "I'll give Laura a call in the morning and see if she can fit Kristin in either tomorrow or Friday."

"Not the Laura I know?" Matt assumed aloud

"You should know her, she's been to quite a few of our barbecues."

"But I thought she did obstetrics?"

"She does, she also does gynecology and if I have to take my almost nine year old to a gynecologist I certainly want to take her to someone I trust."

"Did I miss something?"

"No but I'm afraid Dr. Mitchell may have. It's not her stomach, I think it's something internal and it's in the pelvic area."

"What does that mean?" Matt asked with concern.

"Honestly I don't know."

"Can it wait, I mean it's been several months already."

"I know. I should have paid more attention, sometimes I try too hard to be Adam and Kristin's mom not their doctor because in the end I think that's more important. But if I'd just been a normal mom I would have pushed more, I wouldn't have let Dr. Mitchell dismiss her complaints as trivial. But since we've waited this long I don't think a couple days are going to matter. She'll probably need to have a pelvic and bimanual exam and that's going to be a new and scary experience and it will probably hurt."

"Don't beat yourself up about this, that won't help Kristin now. You're going to get her through this and that's what's important. She's lucky to have a mom like you."

The next day after finishing her two morning bronchoscopies Cynthia returned to her office. She had left a message for Laura in the morning and had hoped she would call her back when she got into the office. "A Dr. Hawkins called, she said she was returning your call.", her secretary Daryl informed her.

"Thanks, I'll give her a call now if my 11:30 arrives can you have Stacy set them up in exam room 2?"

In her office Cynthia closed the door and picked up the phone. It took her a few moments to get through but eventually Laura's voice boomed through.

"Hi Cynthia, it's great to hear from you. I never did get a chance to thank you for your help with Mrs. Lemmons."

"I heard that she's home doing well." Cynthia said referring to a critically ill obstetrical patient of Laura's she had emergently intubated moments after she delivered a healthy 8 pound son. Her own health had hung in limbo for several weeks but she had finally been extubated and transferred out of the ICU." Actually I'm calling for another reason, I was wondering if you had openings this week, I, well Kristin has been having a lot of lower quadrant pain and our pediatrician says its nothing but it's something she's in pain..." her voice trailed off.

"And you think it's pelvic?"

"Yes, maybe ovarian. I don't know, she's still so young. She won't even be nine until November."

"Is there any fluid there?"

"Not noticeably, there's a lot of involuntary guarding and the area feels really boggy."

"Can she localize the pain?"

"It's worse on the left but she can't localize it completely."

"I had a cancellation at 11:00 tomorrow, can you come then? If not I'll see what else I can find."

Cynthia opened her appointment book. "I have a liver biopsy at 8:30, that should be fine. I had planned tomorrow afternoon for catching up on paper work anyway. Thank you for fitting her in."

"It's not a problem. Does she know what to expect? I can start with a CT / ultrasound but I'll probably need do an internal exam and..."

"I know she may need a laparoscopy or something. I'll explain the internal pelvic exam and we'll go from there. Maybe the surgery won't be necessary and if it is it will take a few days to schedule."

"Ok, Cynthia I know this is impossible but try not to worry too much. It could be slightly early puberty or something like that."

By 2:30 Cynthia had concluded that Laura was right, it was impossible. She headed back over to her other office in the hospital to do some more paper work and make rounds. At 4:00 she called the switchboard to let them know she was leaving for the evening.

In the parking garage, Cynthia saw Mary Lyons and exchanged hurried greetings. Mary was the DSS Social Worker assigned to Pembroke Hospital and she and Matt had been sort of colleagues. In January her husband had been sworn in as one the 34th District State Family Court judges so they no longer worked together.

Cynthia got in her car and drove out the west hospital entrance. She drove down Main Street past the Firehouse and Police Station and the small Embury Park. She turned left onto Federal Ave. and drove past the Pembroke Town Square which housed the Post Office, the County and Town Office Buildings, the DSS, the Court House, the Pembroke Community Center, The Pember Museum & Auditorium, and several posh restaurants. She drove up Federal Ave. past the square, past the Executive Park Office Complexes, where her other office was located, past the intersection of Tower Road which led to the Water Treatment Facility, the Department of Public Works, the Darien Construction Company and the Palmira County Jail. Once she passed Memorial Cemetery, Federal Ave. began to run more westward again and turned into Co. Rte. 372 and passed through the Covered Bridge into the town of Deering. Deering was relatively rural with mostly farms but a few housing developments that were sprouting up. Harrison a little further west down Rte. 372 was basically farm after farm; there was a small Elementary and High school, bordering on land owned by the Palmira County Rural Cemeteries Association. Cynthia turned onto Prescott Bridge Road and drove over the historic Prescott Bridge past the Harrison Community Church to her in-laws farm to pick up her daughter.

Since they had moved to Palmira County when Cynthia had finished her residency and multiple fellowships summers ago her mother in law Theresa had been watching the kids during the summers when all were out of school. The kids loved "helping" on the farm and had both raised and shown calves at the Palmira County Fair.

Cynthia parked in the driveway in front of the tidy white farmhouse and darted up the walk and front porch steps. Theresa met her at the door, "Hi Cynthia, I hope you're not here to pick up the kids? Matt picked up Kristin for her soccer game two hours ago."

'Of course, Kristin's soccer team usually had traveling games on Thursday evenings or Saturday mornings' Cynthia thought unsure whether to laugh or cry.

"Is everything alright? Matt told me about Kristin and I wasn't sure she should go to her soccer game either but she seemed better and she's with her daddy he'll take care of her."

"No, it's fine I'd just forgotten she had a game today I wanted to get a chance to prepare her for her doctor's appointment tomorrow. Did Matt take Adam to Jimmy's on his way?"

"Yes, why don't you stay for awhile I just made some lemonade. We can sit out on the porch and talk."

Cynthia had always liked Matt's mom. She had never second guessed the way they were raising their family but she'd always been only a phone call away. She had once even told Cynthia she thought it was great the way she was giving Matt the opportunity to really be a dad, that it had taken her years to figure out how to let Kurt do it and by then it had almost been too late. "I'd like that."

They talked about everything and nothing at the same time and when Cynthia got back in the car to drive home she felt much calmer. She drove back into town eventually made a right onto Main Street, and drove north a little further so she could turn left onto LILAC DR near LILAC PARK She pulled into the driveway at 1872 Lilac and parked in the garage at the bottom of the driveway and walked up the driveway to their old style colonial. As she passed the side patio she saw Kristin in the pool with two of her friends Robin and Darla. She stopped and walked across the lawn to the patio. "Hi mom, we won our game. I scored three times!" Kristin greeted her.

"Congratulations, I guess all those afternoons at the park with your father are starting to pay off. Is your dad inside?"

"Yes, he said Rob and Dar could stay for dinner and we'd make pancakes on the grill out here. I think he's getting the batter ready."

"Ok"

Cynthia crossed the patio and went into the kitchen through the French glass doors. Matt was whisking pancake batter in a large bowl at the island counter his back to Cynthia. "Hi honey."

"Hi", Matt turned to kiss his wife.

"I hear we're doing pancakes for dinner."

"Kristin asked and I couldn't exactly say no. Did you get a chance to talk to Laura?"

"Yeah she can see Kristin at 11:00 tomorrow."

"Drats I've got a hearing then, hold on a second." Matt said reaching for the kitchen extension to try to reach his clerk.

"Matt wait, its ok, I'll take her. I'd planned on doing paperwork tomorrow afternoon anyway."

"But..."

"Listen I know you usually take the kids to their doctor's appointments and I appreciate that so much, but I think this is something a little girl needs her mother for. I've had pelvic exams before, I know what it's like and I know how much worse it is if you're not prepared. After the girls leave tonight I'll talk to Kristin. Maybe you can arrange to be home by three or something and you can take her to do something fun."

"You think your appointment will last that long."

"No, I hope not but I thought I'd take her to a late lunch afterwards."

Two weeks later a biopsy taken during a laparoscopy confirmed the diagnosis of endometriosis. Cynthia had shuddered when she thought about the pain her daughter might have to live with for years or possibly forever. But somehow they had survived. Matt had really been the one who had comforted her through the pain. He'd gotten up with her at night and sat with her when it hurt too much to sleep. Cynthia credited all that to him; she had told him so many times. And as Danielle began to struggle with many of the same issues she prayed that he could still be strong enough.

By the time Derek arrived the first half was almost over and the score had risen to 2-0 and Danielle had scored both goals. "What did I miss?" Derek asked sitting down next to his father.

"Danielle scored twice!" Kati explained happily.

"Cool" Derek said reaching into the cooler and retrieving several sandwiches and some grapes.

Laurel looked over at Derek's paper plate. She had spent most of the game sleeping with her head in Kristin's lap and had refused the offers of sandwiches, juice, rice krispy treats or fruit. Knowing that she would be receiving supplemental enteral nutrition through a gastrojejunostomy tube at night her foster parents hadn't pushed the issue.

"I want grapes!" Laurel finally said looking up at Kristin.

Matt heard her request and reached into the nearby cooler for a bunch of grapes and handed them to his wife who passed them to Kristin and Laurel. Laurel munched thoughtfully for a few grapes and then handed the cluster back to Kristin, put her head back down and went back to sleep.

The game ended 4-1 with Danielle scoring one more goal in the last half. As her teammates celebrated around her Danielle saw her family in the stands and went to them. Her father hugged her gently and the rest of the family joined in.

That night turned into the perfect opportunity for Cynthia, Matt, and Derek to discuss Lucy moving in. Kristin and Paul were double dating with Jenny and Chris. Kati and Laurel were in bed and Danielle was hosting a celebratory pool party for her victorious soccer teammates. Her parents had provided the indoor pool and made pizza and then trusted them. Or perhaps trusted Coach Russer who was down there as well.

Together Matt and Cynthia knocked on Derek's door. He opened the door and turned down the stereo and moved some stuff around so his parents could sit on his bed. "We wanted to talk to you about Lucy staying with us if this is a good time." Matt began

"It's probably as good as any. I'm sorry about before."

"I am too. Perhaps what I said came out more harshly than I intended but I wanted to wait to discuss this until I could give it the attention it deserves. You made me very proud of you this afternoon."

"How? Certainly not with my map reading ability."

"No, with your ability to be rational. It meant a lot to your sister that you were at her soccer game." Matt explained.

"I realize that now. Danielle's probably gotten much more than her fair share of the aftershocks of my rotten moods I decided things wouldn't change until I made them change."

"That's a good point Derek." Cynthia agreed.

"Your mom and I have discussed Lucy coming to stay with us some but we wanted to have an idea of what your expectations were."

"I don't know. I think she just needs someone to help her while she gets her strength back."

"Have you talked to Lucy about this?" Cynthia asked.

"She would be grateful if she could stay here," Derek said realizing that he was exaggerating a little. He had more gotten the impression that Lucy was so desperate to get out of the hospital that she would even stay with them.

"Has she discussed any of this with her parents?" Matt asked.

"I don't think so. She doesn't seem to talk to them much and they are all the way in California. I'm not sure why that is but maybe they don't know about her eating disorder."

"Does Lucy have an eating disorder?" Matt wondered

"According to mom she has behaviors that are worrisome for it"

"Well if Lucy was going to stay here obviously she'd be responsible for following our house rules and I think it would be reasonable to require her to see a physician and therapist regularly." Matt suggested.

"I agree" Cynthia said.

"But otherwise it's ok?" Derek wondered.

"Well I think we can try it and see. If things don't work out we may need to develop alternative arrangements." Matt said.

"Thanks!" Derek exclaimed.


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning after church including an interesting flute, trumpet and oboe trio played by Kristin, Danielle, and Kati and the comedy of his parents dueling pianos piece during the offertory Derek returned to the hospital to see Lucy.

His mind had wandered during the church service and he found himself thinking about Lucy and eating disorders. As he thought about Jenny and how Lucy had acted during the few months they had been dating he noticed some concerning things. First it seemed like she never really did eat or at least he hadn't really seen it. And her weight he was sure had declined in the short period he had known her.

When he arrived at the hospital that morning he found Lucy crying. "What's wrong?" Derek asked.

Lucy answered his question with a question. "Is Kristin still here?"

"She's at my parents house having brunch."

"Can I talk to her?"

"Sure."

"Thanks" Lucy said pulling the covers up over her head. Derek took that as a sign she didn't want to talk to him but he had no idea what was going on. Eventually after she had pulled away from him several times he gave up and waited in the hall for Kristin to arrive.

Kristin was surprised by Derek's request. Lucy had seemed pretty uninterested in talking to her before but she went to the hospital anyway.

Lucy still was burrowed under blankets when Kristin arrived. She crossed the room and gently touched what she presumed to be Lucy's shoulder. "Luce, it's Kristin."

Lucy released her grip on the blankets and Kristin pulled the covers back and sat down on the edge of her bed. Lucy took one look at her and began literally crying on her shoulder. As she would with Laurel or Kati; Kristin rubbed her back and waited for the sobs to stop.

Finally Lucy picked her head up a little and said "I need help." and then resumed crying.

"I know, and it's ok"

Lucy sniffled, rubbed at her eyes, and laid back exhausted. She felt weak and achy. It hurt all over as if she had the flu only worse. "I'm scared."

"I know. Being sick can be pretty scary. But you're not alone Lucy, I hope you can find some comfort in that."

"I think I have an eating disorder," Lucy said the sobs returning.

Kristin squeezed her hand, "I wondered about that. I wanted to be wrong because I didn't want to see you suffer and struggle that way."

"You sent me the bear with those phone numbers didn't you?"

Kristin nodded. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable but I didn't want to just ignore it either. Have you talked to anyone else about this?"

"Kind of, your mom. And I guess the doctor I'm supposed to have here Dr. West is one of the names you sent me."

"Yeah she's an adolescent specialist. I think she actually did an internal medicine residency and then did the adolescent fellowship."

"Am I really going to be stuck here forever?"

"I think my parents are working out a way for you to stay with them at least for the end of the semester and then over the holidays maybe you can decide what you want to do."

"What do you mean?"

"Well some people benefit a lot from inpatient programs and you may decide that you would. And if you were going to do that you might want to do it closer to home."

"Yeah maybe," Lucy said noncommittally. Personally she didn't see herself returning to California, ever.

As promised Lucy didn't end up stuck in the hospital forever. By Tuesday homecare including IV antibiotics and nighttime intravenous fluids with electrolytes had been and arranged and she was only waiting for Derek to pick her up. After her emotional catharsis with Kristin she and Derek had talked and he had held her for awhile. He had started to talk about some of the awkwardness of his transition to the family and how understanding his parents had been.

Surprisingly Derek's dad had helped her work out things at school and there was a plan for how she would finish 4 of her 5 classes and she had managed to drop the last one a seminar course that only met during the last half of the semester. She was receiving taped lectures for psychology and theology and her calculus and statistics courses were really just problem solving sessions and she had heard a rumor that Jenny was a math whiz. She had only two homeworks in statistics and a paper for theology to make up and one more statistics homework to complete before finals. And only her psychology and calc courses had proper finals. The stats final was a take home exam and there was a final paper for theology. It seemed almost too easy. But that was ok because Lucy didn't envision any other aspect of her life being easy over the next month.

In some ways Lucy was actually looking forward to going to the Stewarts. It was almost like going home or maybe like going to what her home had been like when she had been younger and their family hadn't struggled as much. That part of her wanted to become close to Derek's family and very much wanted them to like her. Another part of her was terrified to move in with the Stewarts. She realized it would be much harder to keep things from them than it had been from her own parents. Also it was weird as Derek's mom had been her doctor. As she waited for Derek she reflected on her conversation with Dr. Stewart the day before.

Although much of her intensive care unit memories were more like blurry nightmares Lucy did remember having a feeding tube. Apparently, as Dr. Stewart had explained in more detail than she had really wanted, with pancreatitis there were two options to provide nutrition through a modified feeding tube that bypassed the stomach or intravenously with parenteral nutrition. Supposedly the feeding tube method was safer and that was what had been done in her case. Lucy supposed that had been fine until she had accidentally pulled the tube out on Friday. Well perhaps not so accidentally as she was sure that she had to be consuming thousands of calories through the feeding tube set up. Lucy suspected that Dr. Stewart at least suspected that it hadn't been so accidental as well. Of course this had happened after she had been transferred out of the intensive care unit so Dr. West got to make the decision to allow the feeding tube to stay out. Of course Dr. Stewart had recommended that the feeding tube be replaced or to consider a slightly more permanent gastrojejunostomy feeding tube option. Lucy had refused, and Dr. West had started intravenous fluids to deal with her electrolyte problems. Reading the bag Lucy had noted that there was sugar in the solution as well which she detested at least it didn't have millions of calories as the stuff they were giving her before must have. That would be what Lucy would continue at the Stewarts although Dr. Stewart had made it obvious that she didn't think it was the best idea. She had even said it wouldn't be what she would recommend if it was her child. Recalling that line Lucy began to cry as she thought of her own parents and how much they didn't care about her.

Lucy had pulled herself together by the time Derek arrived a little after seven, as he had needed to eat dinner with his family first. The ride back to his parents house was short and when they arrived Matt Stewart was waiting at the door for them. They both helped Lucy upstairs to the room where she had stayed before. She noticed that her bed had a new quilt and another teddy bear. Someone had found a small desk for her room and she saw that most of her books were lined up on a shelf above the desk. Matt left and Derek stayed with her for a little while but he soon had to leave for a house meeting at his fraternity.

After Derek had left Lucy got up and looked in the chest of drawers curious about what clothing options she had. She had sent Derek to bring her books and clothes from her dorm room and from the full drawers she could see he had taken her literally. She started to feel woozy again and was starting to fall when Matt reappeared in her open doorway. He was quick to catch her and help her back into bed.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. I think maybe you just tried to do too much at once."

"Maybe," Lucy agreed finding it pathetic that opening a few drawers and standing for a few minutes was too much. Maybe she would be taking advantage of listening to her lectures from bed.

"I know this will be a little awkward at first, but it will work out. I hope in time you'll feel comfortable here," Matt began.

Lucy nodded uncertain what to say.

"Please let us know if you need anything. Would you like to call your parents and tell them you got here safely and everything?"

"Oh I already talked to them shortly before Derek came. They would be eating dinner now anyway," Lucy lied.

Lucy was lying in bed reading when Derek came home that night. He helped her get up to brush her teeth and then stayed until she had fallen asleep.

Lucy slept late the next morning. The clock by her bed said 9:20 when she finally awoke. She lay in bed for a few minutes listening to Kati and Danielle. It took a few minutes to understand why they weren't in school. Then she remembered it was the day before Thanksgiving.

Lucy got up and started to dress forgetting that she was still connected to the IV pump from overnight and that it was plugged in. She ended up tripping over that and toppling to the ground face first.

The crash brought Matt, Derek, Danielle, and Kati all into her room and Lucy longed for the floor to swallow her whole. After convincing Matt that she had tripped not passed out they finally all left and she finished dressing.

Kristin and Paul arrived a little before lunch time and Lucy forced herself to join them at the table for lunch. Lunch was simple grilled cheese and tuna and chicken with rice soup but Lucy felt self conscious as she picked at lunch. No one commented. Kati talked excitedly about Thanksgiving and playing in the Thanksgiving Parade.

After lunch Danielle, Kati, Kristin and Matt were off to band rehearsal for the parade. And Derek showed Lucy the observatory with skylight on the 3rd floor of their home. "It's pretty cool at night you can watch the stars but sunsets can be pretty nice too." Derek explained as they lay on the couch up there.

They lay in silence for awhile. It was so nice just lying close to her that Derek strongly debated whether he really wanted to bring up the topic he had planned on. "Luce?" he finally asked.

"Yeah," Lucy said turning her face so she was looking into his eyes instead of through the skylight.

"I'm worried."

"About?"

"You. Please don't let this get any worse. I know it's not just about eating, I know it isn't that simple but it can start there."

"You don't understand!" Lucy averted her eyes back up to the skylight.

Derek stroked her cheek. "Maybe I don't understand completely but I do know that the longer it lasts the more damage it does and it gets harder and harder to get better. I love you and I don't want to see you hurt yourself."

"You really don't understand," Lucy repeated sighing deeply. She sounded frustrated but Derek felt like he had gone too far to just stop.

"Ok I don't understand how you feel. I don't know what happened that made you think you didn't deserve food, or what is going on in your life that starving helps you cope with. You're right I don't. I'd like to, if you trust me I'd like to understand. What I do understand is that eating disorders kill and the longer you do this the harder it will be to get better. I understand that very well. I've watched Jenny struggle with this and I know she wouldn't wish it on her worst enemy."

"Who is Jenny?" Lucy asked absently.

"My foster sister."

"She has an eating disorder?"

"She did, she's recovered now but she still struggles with a lot of physical complications due to the eating disorder."

Lucy became silent again. Derek wondered what she was thinking, and then she sat up suddenly. "I don't feel good! I want to lie down."

Derek helped her back down to the second floor and into bed but he had to admit he was skeptical. Later while trying to catch up on some reading in psychology he felt bad about not trusting her.

Lucy had only been partly dishonest. She really didn't feel well. Being out of bed for any length of time was more than she was really up to. However, she hadn't felt any worse when she had complained than she had earlier.


	14. Chapter 14

_Kay--just for you there is a little Camden snippet towards the end of this chapter._

_

* * *

_Eventually Lucy drifted off to sleep. Sleep however was not peaceful. In her dreams she relived the haunting memories of the past. Memories of Brett, the cute guy Mary had fixed her up with during a particularly vulnerable in between boyfriends period, at the beginning of her senior year in high school. She had later learned that Brett and Mary were less friends and it was more that Brett had something Mary wanted. 

So they had gone out, and Brett had given Mary some complimentary marijuana as a "thank you" for fixing him up with Lucy. Lucy hadn't realized the exchange value of their date at the time. Perhaps Mary hadn't realized Brett's expectations, Lucy realized that she never really would know.

Brett had refused to take no for an answer that night. Lucy never even wanted to kiss him but they did much more. What Brett did to Lucy had been unwelcome and painful. When it was finally over, Lucy had slowly walked home. She snuck up to the room she and Mary were sharing then and found Mary in her post buzz coma. Silently she showered and then threw the clothes she had worn away.

The vividness of the memory caused Lucy to scream while she slept.

Kristin heard her screams and cautiously entered Lucy's room. In bed Lucy was tossing frantically and screaming "NO!"

Gently Kristin placed a hand on Lucy's shoulder. "Lucy it's ok. You're ok here, no one will hurt you." Eventually Lucy awoke and looked frantically around the room, but then she settled down and lay back down exhausted.

Kristin gave her a few moments of space to collect herself and then probed gently, "Luce are you ok?"

"I don't know," Lucy cried. It was an honest answer and it tugged at Kristin's heart.

"Sometimes it helps to talk about dreams. Some people believe that what we don't deal with during the day is what comes back to haunt us in our sleep," Kristin suggested.

"Yeah maybe," Lucy mumbled.

"I can listen," Kristin offered simply.

"Can you keep a secret?" Lucy asked earnestly.

Kristin remembered when Laurel had asked her that question and how she had needed to get Laurel to share her secrets. But Lucy was eighteen and things would be different.

"Unless keeping the secret would endanger your life or someone else's," Kristin said.

An uncomfortable silence followed. She desperately needed to talk to someone about the secrets she had held for over a year but she was leery about telling at the same time. "Some stuff kind of happened before," Lucy finally said.

"Do you want to share a little bit more?"

"Well it was last fall and my sister fixed me up with this guy. I guess he was kind of a friend of hers. And we went out and..." Lucy's voice trailed off. She was afraid to continue.

"...and well some stuff happened. I don't really want to talk about it." Lucy finished just as Adam appeared in the doorway.

"I think dinner is just about ready. Dad wanted me to find you," he explained.

Kristin rose and crossed the room to hug her brother. "How was your drive?" she asked aloud. "We'll meet you downstairs," she whispered in his ear.

"The drive was alright. Traffic wasn't too bad. I'll see you downstairs."

"Ok," Kristin replied. She turned back to Lucy. "When you're ready I can listen more if you want."

"Thanks." Lucy said but she was already wondering if talking to Kristin was a mistake. What if Kristin told Derek what had happened and Derek no longer wanted anything to do with her? What if he saw how dirty she really was? Lucy wasn't sure she could risk those potential consequences.

"My dad makes wonderful lasagna. How about dinner?" Kristin suggested and reluctantly Lucy followed her downstairs.

Lucy sat down at the dining room table next to Derek and waited while Matt led the family in grace. Jenny was sitting across the table from her in between Kristin and Kati. Lucy thought perhaps it was the second meal she had been present for. With her new knowledge she was curious about what Jenny would eat.

Adam was serving the lasagna at their end of the long table and he slapped a large square on her plate, Lucy shuddered a little. She allowed the green beans, and the bread basket to pass by her and declined milk or juice for water. Perhaps it would be ok to eat a little lasagna she decided. Across the table she saw that Jenny had taken juice and that she had assembled lasagna, green beans, and a roll on her plate, and she was eating!

Lucy continued to watch Jenny. When Jenny had taken her fifth bite Lucy took her own bite of lasagna. She set her fork down then and waited, again on the tenth bite she also took a bite. In a trance Lucy continued the process until Jenny finally set her fork down for good after twenty three bites. Matt offered sponge cake with icecream for desert but Lucy noticed that Jenny declined so she did as well.

After dinner when Kati and Danielle were helping their dad load the dishwasher while Cynthia cleaned the kitchen Derek led Lucy downstairs into the rec room. He picked her up and set her on the edge of their pool table and then allowed her to fall into his embrace. "I love you!"

"I love you too," Lucy replied.

"I'm proud of you. About dinner I mean."

"I thought you were the one who said it wasn't about eating," Lucy challenged.

"Maybe it's not but it's got to help right?" Derek said hugging her tighter as Adam once again interrupted.

"Will you be coming with us to church?" Adam asked.

"Church? On a Wednesday night?" Lucy was surprised.

"We always have a service of Thanksgiving the night before Thanksgiving. It's a service of blessing, the offering benefits Habitat for Humanity and one of the food pantries in Martinville," Adam explained.

"It's ok if you don't feel up to it Lucy," Derek began.

"No I'd love to go. I just need a few minutes to change."

"You have time the service doesn't start until 6:30. Mom and Dad are leaving now with Kristin, Danielle, and Kati because they are playing in the service and need time to warm up and tune. I'll plan on giving you and Jenny a ride then." Adam finished turning to go back upstairs.

"I guess I should go change," Lucy said after he was gone.

"You don't have to do this Luce. I know you weren't feeling well before."

"Really Derek I kind of want to go. Please."

"Ok." Derek hugged her again and then lifted her to the ground.

Upstairs Lucy changed out of the overalls and long sleeved t-shirt she had been wearing into a long black skirt and a print blouse with a black sweater. She ran a brush through her mane, brushed her teeth and then dabbed on a little foundation, lipstick, and blush. She made a face at her reflection in the bathroom mirror and then grabbed her purse and jacket and went to find Derek.

Derek was in his room dressed in a pair of khaki slacks and yellow oxford shirt. He pulled Lucy towards him when she came in, "You look beautiful my dear," he said.

"You're just saying that!" Lucy protested.

Derek was saved from further comment by Adam appearing in the doorway to tell them if they didn't leave immediately they would be late. "Actually we merely won't be fifteen minutes early, of course in Adam's opinion that probably constitutes late," Derek mumbled under his breath as an explanation.

Later Lucy sat silently next to Derek in the pew. Their church was one of the beautiful old style churches with the stained glass windows and hand carved wooden pews. She compared it to her father's more modern church and decided at least aesthetically Derek's family's church was better. Of course church wasn't about aesthetics.

Lucy noted that there wasn't officially a sermon included in the service. Just prayers, bible passages, hymns, and special music. As they moved onto another special music segue Lucy laid her head back against Derek's chest as she listened to Kati, Danielle, and Kristin play a beethoven piece accompanied by their father. Derek wrapped an arm around her shoulders and Lucy relaxed further. She almost shut her eyes but decided that would probably be disrespectful to do in church.

When the service was over the Stewart family congregated in the vestibule of the church assembling into groups for the ride home since Cynthia needed to return to the hospital to admit a patient to their burn unit who should be arriving from the southern tip of the county soon. She headed back to the hospital and the rest of the family managed to fit into Paul and Adam's vehicles and head home.

They arrived home a little after 7:30 and Matt immediately went upstairs to put Kati to bed. Kristin helped Laurel back upstairs and helped her get ready for bed. She was continually amazed that Laurel wanted to come with them when they went out as a family. Perhaps things really would get better. She was still incredibly weak however and Kristin knew that someone could argue she would be better off resting in bed. However she felt that it was good for Laurel to be involved in things and that hopefully that would motivate her to work at getting stronger.

Lucy and Derek sat on the couch in the rec room watching television. Lucy was quiet remembering previous Camden Family Thanksgivings. Memories flooded her mind, shredding bread for the turkey stuffing, Simon and Ruthie with black olive fingers, making place cards with Mary. She thought about Mary, she remembered when she had looked up to Mary and wanted to be like her. Mary had always been logical and when they squabbled usually Lucy would eventually see that Mary was right. All of that had changed almost two years ago when Mary changed. In retrospect Lucy realized that the change had probably not been as abrupt as she thought. She had come to learn that Mary had started drinking and smoking marijuana months before the actual gym incident. Lucy found it ironic that her father who considered addiction to be his personal cause couldn't see the warning signs of substance abuse in his own daughter. Perhaps he didn't want to see because even when Lucy had tried to point out what was really going on her parents had made excuses for Mary and refused to even consider Lucy's suggestions.

Lucy guessed it was at that point that she started to wonder what the point of talking to her parents was if they couldn't trust her. Did they really think she was so shallow and jealous of Mary that she would make up lies as her mom had insinuated. Why trust them if they couldn't trust her? She had resolved to keep her secrets to herself and started exploring college options as far away as possible.

Lucy was embarrassed to admit that other than having a psychology and theology major the main reason she had chosen Pembroke was that it was the furthest away from Glen Oak. Distance could be a good thing, it made it more feasible to avoid coming home. Her parents had believed that she was too busy to come home for the short fall break or thanksgiving and that she was saving up for the trip home at Christmastime. Yet, Lucy had already figured out an excuse out of the Christmas trip home. She just hadn't quite worked up the nerve to let her parents know.

Meanwhile back in California Annie Camden was preparing dinner when her husband Eric Camden a minister joined her in the kitchen. Eric was puttering around and quite honestly in her way but she sensed that he wanted to talk so she tried to be patient.

"Have you heard from Lucy?"

"No, not since before Halloween actually. And then she talked mostly to Sam and David about what they were dressing up like for the big day."

"I knew letting her go so far away to college was a mistake. She's just never been our sensible child, I wanted to book her tickets for her trip home at Christmas before the fares went up."

"She's probably just really busy with school and stuff. You know Lucy's never been the student that Matt and Mary are."

"She would have done much better if she had concentrated more on what was on the blackboard than who was sitting next to her in class. I hope she isn't letting a boy interfere with her studies again," Eric agreed as Sam and David came tearing into the kitchen.

"Hungry!" Sam said.

"Hungry!" David echoed.

"We're eating soon boys," Annie assured them and then turned towards the kitchen stairs "Ruthie come help your brothers wash up for dinner!"

"Well I've decided if she doesn't call this weekend to arrange her ticket home for Christmas then it will be her responsibility. It's time for a little Camden Tough Love," Eric decided.

Back at the Stewart residence Lucy curled into Derek's embrace still thinking about her family and their thanksgiving traditions. Perhaps it was time for new traditions she decided. Perhaps she would find the love she had once found at home with Derek and his family.

Lucy yawned. Derek stroked her cheek, "Tired?"

"I guess a little."

"Why don't we go to bed I'm not really that into this show anyway," Derek said standing and then extending his arm to Lucy. Together they walked upstairs and once again Derek stayed with her until she fell asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

Lucy woke up on Thanksgiving Morning, and glanced at her clock it was almost seven o'clock. The house seemed very quiet and she knew that was probably because Danielle and Kati were at swim practice, Kristin was probably instructing aerobics at the health club, Derek's dad was probably on his typical early morning run, and Derek's mom was probably rounding at the hospital. Lucy stretched a little and snuggled back under the covers. She drifted off to sleep for another hour or so until she heard Derek rapping gently on the door to tell her that breakfast was ready if she was interested.

Lucy debated. Breakfast? She thought of pancakes and omelettes and her mouth watered but if she ate breakfast then how could she eat thanksgiving dinner. She decided that she could have juice at breakfast but no food and then she would have water with dinner. Pleased with her plan she got out of bed careful to bring the IV pump with her and opened the door to see Derek standing there in a long sleeved polo shirt, and jeans. "Just give me a few minutes to get dressed."

"Oh come on, you're cute in pajamas," Derek suggested reaching for her hand.

"Ok, well uh what about my friend here?" Lucy suggested pointing to the pump.

"I can fix that," Derek said. He hit two buttons stopping the pump and then removed the needle connector from Lucy's PICC line above her elbow and placed it in the red sharps box. Then he reached for the nearby box of alcohol and heparin syringes. He swabbed the end of both ports with alcohol and then flushed each in turn with heparin. Then he slid a little clasp over.

Lucy was amazed. "How did you know how to do that?"

"Oh Jenny has had antibiotics and stuff at home before and I've helped with that before. Now you are a free woman my dear," Derek said with a chuckle.

Smiling Lucy took his hand and followed him downstairs. They caught the end of a conversation about Laurel between Kristin and Matt as they entered the kitchen. Apparently Laurel had freaked out when Matt had gone upstairs to offer her breakfast. She had screamed in terror until finally Kristin had come in and soothed her back to sleep. "Maybe we just need to give her some time to adjust," Kristin finished optimistically picking up a plate of pancakes and carrying it into the dining room.

Matt, Derek, and Lucy followed her into the dining room and they sat down to breakfast with the rest of the family. After breakfast Kristin, Danielle, and Kati got ready to go play in the Thanksgiving Parade with their dad. Although not quite on the level with Macy's their local Thanksgiving Day Parade was one of the largest local parades. Kati was excited it was her first parade and she had been working very hard on learning how to march and playing the clarinet since to her great disappointment the oboe was not a marching instrument.

After the children left with their father Cynthia solemnly climbed the stairs to Laurel's room in the east wing. She carried with her a tray of cereal, juice, fruit, and pancakes arranged as festively as possible. Laurel had apparently drifted back to sleep and for a moment Cynthia regarded her surrounded by thick pillows and tucked under the fluffy down comforter. She looked peaceful and Cynthia hoped she was dreaming of happy things. She started to set the tray down when she felt the vibration of her pager. She gritted her teeth and stepped back out into the hall. She returned the page on the phone on the hall table and learned that the child she had admitted to the burn unit the night before had pulled out her own chest tube. She explained the situation to Matt's parents who had arrived early for dinner and were planning to watch the parade from their lawn since it usually ended in the park in their neighborhood and headed back to the hospital.

It was a little after twelve when Cynthia had replaced the chest tube, dictated a procedure note and then somewhat emergently intubated another patient with progressive respiratory distress requiring dictation of yet another procedure note and confirmation that he was on appropriate ventilator settings. Glumly she realized that she had missed Kati's first Thanksgiving Day Parade. She made a mental note to request a private concert and to try to arrange some one on one time with Kati over the weekend. On the positive side she reflected that since they typically sat down to Turkey around 2 so it looked like she might still have time to bake two more pies for the open house they hosted every year. Traditionally they invited the neighbors for a dessert and open house reception after they had finished Thanksgiving Dinner with the more immediate family.

With a sigh Cynthia collected her bag and coat from the doctor's lounge and headed in the direction of the physician lot immediately outside the ED where physicians could park if the were called in after hours to evaluate patients. As she unlocked her subaru outback she reflected on the challenge to be a good physician and a good mom and once again wondered if the two were mutually exclusive. She presumed that it depended of appropriate prioritization. There would be times when her patients needed her more than her family and she knew that. It was just hard sometimes.

Cynthia parked in the garage and then trekked up their hilly driveway. She opened the front door and stepped into their formal entry hall where she was almost instantly greeted with a hug from Kati. "Happy Thanksgiving" Kati whispered.

Cynthia returned her hug and scooped her up into her arms. "Happy Thanksgiving. How was your parade?" she asked carrying her daughter through the house into the kitchen where her husband was surveying the progress of the turkey.

"It was great! I played all the right notes in the right places and one of the other people said I marched like a trooper," Kati said excitedly.

"Yes she did a wonderful job," Matt agreed as Cynthia set their daughter down on the slate tile kitchen floor.

Kati hugged her father and then looked up at both parents and said, "I'm going to go finish my placecards."

"Ok sweetheart," Matt called but she was already halfway up the stairs.

Matt turned to embrace his wife. "Rough morning?" he asked.

"Kind of. I was sorry to miss Kati's first parade but she seems ok with it. I'll have to ask her to play some of the songs for me later."

"She did very well." Matt said as Cynthia started getting ingredients out to make pastry and assembling them on part of the wrap around counter. Matt pulled out a stool and sat at the breakfast bar while she was working.

"Is everyone else ok?"

"Kristin and Paul are supervising Kati's placecard making process upstairs in the children's conservatory. Danielle and Adam went for a walk with Oscar and my parents. I think Lucy and Derek are in the pool."

"The pool? Indoors I hope."

"Yes indoors."

"Is Laurel still asleep?"

"I doubt she's sleeping but she hasn't emerged from her room yet. I was hoping things would be getting easier but I guess we just need to be a little more patient and be encouraged by the positives like her wanting to go with us to church last night."

"It will take time. Things didn't happen overnight with Bethany or Derek either."

"Or with Jenny I suppose. I just think about what happened to her and I just want to hug her and protect her from the world. But I know that even a gentle touch is traumatic to her at this point." Matt agreed.

On the ground level of the Stewart residence Lucy and Derek were actually in the jacuzzi beside the indoor pool. Lucy leaned back running her fingers through Derek's hair which was also conveniently keeping her upper arm with the PICC line out of the water. "This is nice," she agreed.

"Yeah, another one of my favorite parts of the house, and frequently I have the jacuzzi all to myself because mom and dad have their own in their master bedroom suite in the west wing."

"Wow! My parents don't even have one jacuzzi. We don't even have an outdoor pool."

"Well I guess in California you might not necessarily need an indoor pool. Especially if you had a heated outdoor pool I suppose. Our outdoor pool is heated and we usually turn the heater on in September and then close the pool in late October or early November and then reopen it with the heater on in late March so I would presume that in California you could leave it open year round."

"Maybe." Lucy said.

"Hey I just realized I bet you've never seen snow before."

"Not really unless you count movies. There is snow in northern CA though up in the mountains. I have a friend from high school who's family used to go skiing there every year."

"Well you'll definitely see snow this year. Plenty of it. We'll probably even have some before you leave to go home for Christmas."

Lucy sighed and then took a deeper breath. She decided she might as well try her idea out on Derek first. "Actually I may not be able to go home for christmas this year. Dr. West kind of recommended against a long flight home and I think I probably need to take a J-term class to make up for dropping that seminar course this semester."

Derek hugged her, "I'm sorry Luce, I know it's not the same but you can always spend Christmas with us. It might even be fun."

"Yeah maybe," Lucy agreed. She felt a little bad knowing she had been manipulative with Dr. West and to some extent with Derek and his family. She didn't realize that as long as her eating disorder continued the manipulation and lies would only get worse.

"Well I guess if we're eating at 2 we should probably shower and change for dinner," Derek suggested.

"Sure," Lucy agreed. Starting to stand and step out of the jacuzi.

Derek handed her a towel and they dried off then went back upstairs. The kitchen was filled with the aroma of turkey and apple pie which were both baking in separate ovens and Derek and Lucy passed through on their way upstairs.

Later as the entire family assembled around the large turkey and joined hands for grace before the meal Lucy again thought of her family. It was only 11am in California so she bet they were still watching the end of the parade and her mom was probably still trying to motivate her father to run to the store for her last minute thanksgiving incidentals. Dinner probably wouldn't be for much later probably not until at least 5pm California time.

As the food started passing around the table Lucy allowed herself to take exactly 1 spoonful of each dish and then she mechanically took one bite of each spoonful with at least 3 swallows of water in between each bite. Conversation whirled around her but Lucy was concentrating too hard on her rituals to really pay much attention until she realized that Derek was talking about her snow naivete.

"We should have snow before you go home to celebrate Christmas with your family. Maybe you can bring pictures home to your little brothers," Cynthia suggested.

"Actually Lucy will be with us for Christmas," Derek said.

"Well you can mail the pictures with their Christmas gifts then I suppose." Cynthia said.

After dinner Lucy slipped away while everyone else was cleaning up and preparing for the open house that the Stewart family hosted every thanksgiving. She sat in the overstuffed chair in "her room" focusing on dinner and wondering if it had been too much. Tears welled up in her eyes and she buried her head in her knees and started to cry.

She was still crying a few minutes later when she felt little hands patting her back. She looked up to see Kati standing by the chair. "Why are you crying? Should I go get daddy?"

Lucy refrained from saying 'Why are you in my room?' and merely said "No!"

"Are you sure? He always makes me feel better when I'm sad and you look sad." Kati continued.

"I'm fine," Lucy mumbled as Derek joined them.

Kati looked up at Derek earnestly and said, "I'll be right back" and then skipped out of the room.

Derek knealt down beside the chair Lucy was sitting in and reached for her hand. "I was worried about you when you disappeared. I guess I was right to be concerned."

"I'm fine," Lucy protested. "I miss my family," she said which was only part of the truth.

"I'm sure it's hard to be apart for the holidays. Why don't you call and wish them a happy thanksgiving," Derek suggested.

"Ok," Lucy agreed although she had no intention of calling home. She wished there was a way she could be ensured of not talking to her parents or Mary.

Just as Derek was about to leave to give her some privacy for her call Kati reappeared in the doorway holding a large brown teddy bear by the paw. "The other thing that makes me feel better is my bear, well he was Danielle's and Kristin's bear first but they gave him to me. You feel better if you squeeze him," she said handing the bear to Lucy who took him reluctantly.

"Thank you," she finally managed to mumble. Kati smiled at her and then left with Derek. Once they had left Lucy got up and set the bear in the chair, and curled up in a ball on her bed. She had just started to drift off to sleep when she felt someone sitting down beside her on the bed. She turned her head to see Derek.

"How is your family?"

"Fine," Lucy lied.

"Good. Don't worry I'm sure you'll be feeling a lot better by spring break and you can visit them then. It's 3 months away but still."

"I'm sure," Lucy agreed. She knew that there was no way she would be going home for spring break. She had already decided that.

"Is anything else wrong Luce?" Derek probed deeper concernedly.

"I'm just tired." Lucy said unenthusiastically.

"Do you feel up to joining us downstairs? My mom made pecan pie just for you." Derek said.

"Ok for a little while I guess." Lucy said sitting up and allowing Derek to take her hand.

Together Lucy and Derek entered the parlor where the open house was being held. Lucy smiled politely and made appropriate small talk as Matt and Cynthia introduced her to a few of their friends.

Derek had brought her a piece of pie and the two of them sat down on the couch to eat their pie. Lucy had forgotten how much she really loved pecan pie something she hadn't allowed herself in over a year. She remembered her mom's mother used to make pecan pie Matt and Mary had hated it but it had been their special thing. Lucy's eyes misted a little thinking of her grandmother who had passed away from leukemia when she was 12. Her father's mother was still alive and going strong but Ruth Camden just wasn't someone Lucy had ever really felt she could talk to. Like most of her siblings even at 18 she still was terrified of her father's parents. Of course since her father was still terrified of them she supposed perhaps that was understandable.

Lucy ate several more bites of her pie distracted in her thoughts and memories. She looked down at her almost empty plate and began to panic and then she caught sight of Jenny and Chris coming towards them.

Jenny smiled warmly sipping warm apple cider. "Ok so 7 o'clock?" she asked.

Lucy was confused about what she was talking about but Derek said, "yeah that would be great."

"Cool. Oh Rachel and Brian are here, we should go say hi!" Jenny said turning and pulling Chris with her.

Lucy watched her walk away. Derek had told her that Jenny had had an eating disorder yet she still was incredibly stick thin. Why was it that everyone else in the family could be thin and she was expected to gain at least 20 pounds and get back to a "healthy weight" as Dr. West put it. "What was she talking about?" she asked Derek, her tone laced with anger.

"Our annual thanksgiving billiard tournament. It's kind of a family tradition. You would never think it but my parents are amazing at the game. Mom says it's all physics. Maybe it is, I've never been very good at physics and I have to admit that Kristin can clobber me and she was a physiology major."

"Actually I suppose she could clobber me in other ways she's like a 3rd degree black belt or something. I guess belt training is on hold now that she's pregnant," Derek continued.

"Kristin does karate, somehow she doesn't seem the type?"

"Actually I would have thought that but per my mom karate is not violent. My mom is now a Renshi or something like that."

"A what?"

"I think it's supposed to translate to someone who has mastered themselves. Basically when you get to a high enough degree black belt they start giving you additional titles."

"So Kristin could beat you up?" Lucy asked somewhat intrigued by the concept.

"I'm sure she could. I'm also sure she would never try." Derek said and Lucy noticed the expression on his face changed. Although Derek had started to tell her about his awkward transition to the family he had left out a lot of details about his interactions with Kristin in the beginning. Kristin said she forgave him and he wanted to believe that. Her actions led him to suspect nothing else. He wondered if he would ever forgive himself. He was afraid to share his feelings with Lucy. Afraid of her reaction, afraid he would scare her.


	16. Chapter 16

Later the annual Thanksgiving Billiard Tournament began with Matt and Cynthia playing Derek and Lucy. As Matt broke Lucy remembered the Pool Hall in Glen Oak where basically everyone had hung out in high school. It was also where her dad had taught her how to play pool.

They were pretty far behind by the time Lucy's turn finally arrived. Lucy took the cue stick and was lined up her shot but she failed to achieve contact with the cue ball and any of their balls. Frustrated she handed the cue stick to Matt who sunk the last striped ball and then proceeded to sink the eight ball winning the game.

As Kristin and Paul began their game against Jenny and Chris, Derek kissed Lucy. "Did we really just play pool? That game was kind of a blur," he asked as a shrill sound reverberated.

Cynthia made a face but crossed the room to pick up the phone behind the bar. When she hung up a few minutes later the smile had not returned to her face. "We are getting a kid from Huntersport who's parents allegedly tried to set him on fire. I need to go."

Lucy watched as Matt crossed the room and embraced his wife and she lingered a moment in his embrace before taking a deep breath and ascending the stairs to the kitchen to head to the hospital. After she left a tense silence remained in the room until broken by Jenny's cough.

"Perhaps we should take a moment for a prayer," Kristin suggested.

"I think that's an excellent idea," Matt agreed.

"Why don't you start dad?" Kristin suggested joining hands with both her husband and father. Numbly Lucy joined them.

"Father we ask you to be with us at this moment and also with a scared and injured child from Huntersport. May he feel your love and strength. Prayers for strength, and peace for Cynthia as she deals with this difficult issue. Bless her hands and her abilities to heal. As you first taught us to pray, Our father..."

Lucy joined in with the rest of the family as they completed the Lord's prayer but she was thinking of the irony that she had been exposed to more prayer in her brief time in the Stewart family than she thought her parents had shown her if you didn't count church of course. She remembered when she was really little they used to pray before meals but slowly that had faded out and David and Sam seemed oblivious to blessings.

Play eventually resumed but the mood wasn't as light as it had been before Cynthia's departure. Kristin triumphantly sunk the 8 ball resulting in congratulatory kisses from her husband and another one of Jenny's coughing fits.

"Sweetheart do you feel alright?" Matt asked handing her some sprite from the soda tap behind the alcohol free bar.

Jenny sipped slowly. "Honestly?"

"Yes"

"No, not really. My chest kind of hurts too," she said fresh tears glistening on her lashes.

Lucy felt like she was watching a bad movie as Kristin, Derek, and Matt hovered around Jenny. Finally after much discussion it was decided that if she didn't have a fever she could see Dr. Lynch in the morning otherwise she would probably need to go to the ER.

Lucy wasn't really sure what the big deal was but she found herself abandoned as everyone else followed Jenny upstairs. Hurt and alone Lucy sulked off to her room. She remembered the laxatives she had managed to find in the hospital gift shop. She reached into the drawer of her desk and retrieved the packs.

The laxatives had just started to kick in when Lucy heard a knock on the door. "Come in!" she called warily.

Derek came in and sat down on her bed gently. "How is Jenny?" Lucy asked to be polite although she was still kind of mad.

"Not well she had a pretty high fever so my dad took her to the ER"

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked. You looked like you were in pain when I came in.

"It's just some cramps," Lucy started to say but then bolted for the bathroom.

As she sat on the toilet Lucy seriously felt like she was dying. Finally the moment passed and she washed her hands and hesitated at the bathroom door. She wasn't particularly looking forward to facing Derek and wondered if he knew what had happened.

But when she opened the door Derek was very nice helping her back to bed. He kissed the top of her head, "I'll be right back," he promised as he slipped out the door.

When he returned with Kristin a few moments later Lucy cringed. Derek might be oblivious to the source of her distress but she bet Kristin would figure it out and she was embarrassed.

In some ways Kristin's attempts to be nice just made her feel worse not physically but that she had done this to herself yet Kristin was still trying to help her. She had helped her prop her legs around pillows and brought her a hot water bottle for her abdomen and Lucy did feel a little better but then she was overcome with another wave of urgency and rushed to the bathroom.

Kristin's heart went out to Lucy she could see how uncomfortable she was and she remembered how hard it had been for Jenny when she had started trying to eat. Although necessary for recovering from an eating disorder refeeding was often unpleasant. However, after Lucy's third trip to the bathroom Kristin began to wonder if there was something more than cramps and diarrhea associated with refeeding going on.

Lucy still appeared uncomfortable, her skin was clammy and she was starting to sweat profusely. "Luce, how are you feeling?"

"Better, I think." Lucy lied. Honestly she felt awful and she was becoming very nauseous.

"Lucy did you take anything this evening?"

"What do you mean? I don't do drugs." Lucy started to cry.

"Like laxatives or diet pills or something like that?" Kristin pressed further.

"Yes," Lucy finally said. "Just some laxatives," and then she bolted up again to go to the bathroom.

Kristin stood outside her closed bathroom door concerned. Just when she was about to knock and make sure she was ok Lucy came out of the bathroom hunched over and holding her abdomen. "It really hurts!" she cried.

"I'm sure it does. How many did you take?" Kristin asked.

Lucy had actually taken two packs but she minimized her answer and said "Just one pack."

Kristin felt her pulse, which felt irregular and very fast neither of which she found reassuring. "It's going be ok Lucy we're going to take you to the hospital," she said.

Lucy felt too awful to protest.

Less than ten minutes later Lucy lay on a gurney in the ER vomiting into a basin. She received IV fluids and some extra potassium and magnesium and her heart began to beat regularly at a normal rate. Eventually even the cramps and stools abated and around 3am she was finally released with instructions to follow up with Dr. West the next day.

Derek had stayed with her most of the time and rubbed her back and helped her back and forth to the bathroom. He informed her that it looked like Jenny had pneumonia but she had been leaving to go home with antibiotics just as Lucy was arriving.

As they walked outside to Derek's jeep Lucy whispered, "I'm sorry."

Derek merely tightened his side embrace and said, "I'm sorry too. I don't want to see you hurting. Let us help you Lucy."


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning Lucy slept late. She woke up around 10:30, remembered the events of the previous night, pulled the pillow over her head and went back to sleep. Around noon Cynthia knocked on the door to remind her that she had a doctor's appointment at 1:30.

Lucy shuddered and pulled the covers over her head. She was dreading the appointment with Dr. West but it looked like she would be going whether she liked it or not. She thought back to the conversation she had had with Derek's parents before she moved in and how she was supposed to committed to treatment. But what if she wasn't sure she wanted to get better? What if she wasn't quite sure she was ready to give up her eating disorder?

Eventually Lucy dragged herself out of bed and dressed in a pair of denim overalls and a long sleeved t-shirt. She pulled her hair back into a pony tail, and found a pair of socks and tennis shoes. She remade her bed, something told her that Derek's parents weren't as tolerant about untidiness as her own parents were. In the bathroom she brushed her teeth, washed her face and applied mascara, foundation, shadow and lipstick. Her clock said it was almost 1 pm as she headed out her door to go downstairs.

In the kitchen she found Matt adding seasonings to soup in the crock pot. "Are you feeling better Lucy?"

"I'm fine."

"Did you want some lunch or something before we left?"

Lucy shuddered he couldn't mean he was taking her to the doctor's appointment. Or could he?

"I think I'm going to take you. Derek seems to be desperately working on a paper that is due Monday. Cynthia is finishing up a bronchoscopy and then she has plans with Danielle and Kati and it's really better if Kristin is here for Laurel. What did you think about lunch? I can make you a sandwich, we have soup."

"I'm not hungry!" Lucy finally said.

Lucy followed Matt down to his SUV and then sat silently as he drove through the quiet tree lined streets of their neighborhood and turned back onto Main Street. Apparently Dr. West's office was in the Executive Park Office Complex a sprawling campus of several building full of suites. Matt pointed out where Cynthia's other office was as they walked past the building on their way to the building where Dr. West's office was.

Lucy absently flipped through a magazine as she sat in the waiting room in Dr. West's office. She noticed that Matt had already retrieved several items to work on from his briefcase. She took that as a good sign that he wouldn't be joining her for the appointment he was merely a chauffeur. She supposed that was alright, after all he seemed to be a careful driver.

"Lucy Camden," a nurse called and motioned for Lucy to follow her back to an exam room. She explained to Lucy that she could change into a gown and handed her a cup.

"What's this for?" Lucy asked.

"Oh we need a urine sample. Clean with these first of course," the nurse said handing her a few packets of cleansing towlets.

Lucy did as she was instructed and then sat shivering in a gown in the exam room until Dr. West came in.

"Good afternoon Lucy. How are you feeling?" Dr. West began brightly.

"I'm fine," Lucy mumbled.

"Really? I would think that after consuming 4 packs of laxatives last night and spending the night in the ER you would at least be tired."

"4 packs? It was only 2," Lucy insisted adamantly and then smiled sheepishly recognizing the trap.

"Oh I see. You realize that what you did last night could have killed you if you hadn't had someone else to take responsibility."

Lucy was silent. The severity of the night before was beyond her comprehension. She wanted to believe that Kristin had overreacted.

After examining her Dr. West then led her to a hallway where she was weighed. Lucy smiled noting the 2 pound weight loss. Dr. West was less than pleased.

When they returned to the exam room she reminded Lucy that if she wasn't making satisfactory progress by January they would have to consider hospitalization. Lucy smiled smugly reminding herself that since she was eighteen no one could make her do anything. For a second she felt empowered by the thought but then she remembered what had happened before and shuddered.

After Lucy had dressed, Matt was invited back into the room much to Lucy's chagrin. Lucy started to protest that he wasn't her father when Dr. West reminded her of her requirement that there be a responsible adult household member involved. She reminded Lucy that she had agreed to that as one of the conditions of treatment. It was then that Matt voiced his concerns about her use of laxatives and also his concern that she have them in their home where their children could be exposed to them. He explained that he couldn't allow that. It was then that Dr. West suggested he search through Lucy's possessions, in her presence of course to ensure that there wasn't any other dangerous material.

Lucy had started to balk at that suggestion but the look in Dr. West's eyes told her that there wouldn't be further discussion on the topic. Glumly she stood and followed Matt from the exam room.

A tense silence pervaded most of the ride home until Matt announced that he needed to stop briefly at the courthouse to sign some papers on the way home if that was alright. "I don't care," Lucy had mumbled.

Matt wondered if she even felt like she could say no and he felt badly but while he had been waiting for Lucy's appointment to end his clerk had called him on his cell phone with some important paperwork. He drove into the below ground municipal parking garage, parked in his assigned space, and then turned to Lucy, "I think it's a little chilly for you to wait in the car. I really do appreciate this Lucy I wouldn't stop if it wasn't urgent."

Solemnly Lucy followed Matt through the tunnels that connected all the buildings on the square with the two parking garages. The tunnel concept was rather intriguing to Lucy since obviously tunnels were a bad idea in California due to the frequent earthquakes. Her curiosity got the better of her, "Are these open all the time?"

"You mean all day and all night? The actual tunnel is but certain elevators are locked at night."

"Hmmm"

"I guess tunnels aren't very popular in California."

"No not really," Lucy said as they reached the elevator that led to the court house.

Matt led her through the building to his chambers where he noted that Gladys his secretary had left his paperwork. As he sat down to work Lucy glanced around his office. He seemed to have pictures of his children everywhere. Kristin's wedding; a picture of Danielle in the pool apparently at the end of a race; Danielle and Kati with medals around their necks standing by a pool; Kristin playing soccer, Adam's graduation from seminary; Kristin's hooding by her mother; a musical trio of Kati, Danielle, and Kristin; Kristin and Adam dressed up as Peter Pan and Tinkerbell for Halloween many years ago; Derek's birthday of some sort; Kristin and Danielle flying kites on a beach; Derek playing pool. Again she thought of her own family. When she was younger they had been more like the Stewarts but all of that had changed.

"I think I'm all set. Thank you very much for your patience Lucy," Matt said picking up the papers and bringing them out to his secretary.

As they again reached the tunnel level and started to walk towards the parking garage Lucy saw a sign pointing in the direction of the museum. Lucy was intrigued as she had always been a museum fan. She was particularly interested in medieval history. "Do you think the museum is open?" she finally asked.

"It should be. They are usually open later on the Friday and Saturday nights anyway. I think their three featured exhibits right now are a microbiology exhibit, one on the evolution of pottery, and one focusing on the crusades and medieval culture. Maybe we could go tomorrow. We took Kati and Danielle to the Microbiology exhibit and have been meaning to go back to see the pottery. Maybe Jenny will be feeling better and able to join us for that," Matt suggested.

Lucy was quiet as the walked the rest of the way to the parking garage. She still felt uncomfortable around Derek's father especially when she thought back to the conversation she had had with both of his parents before she moved in. In some ways it really hadn't been much of true conversation as Lucy hadn't really spoken to them and they had reiterated the dangers of EDs that Dr. West had already told her and they had talked about practical aspects of living in their house, house rules, family routines etc.


	18. Chapter 18

It was a little after three when they returned home. Derek was still at the library so Lucy went solemnly upstairs to her own room. Yet as she walked down the hallway she saw that the door to Jenny's room was ajar. She and Jenny had really not exchanged more than pleasantries but Lucy had to admit she was curious about Jenny. Derek had said that she had had an eating disorder but she still looked extremely thin to Lucy, thinner than she was she was sure. She wondered how Jenny had done it (supposedly gotten better without getting fat) because all Lucy could see Dr. West doing was trying to make her fat.

Lucy bumped the door and it opened a little more so that she could peek at Jenny lying in bed. She seemed to be sleeping or at least her eyes were closed but when Lucy nudged the door a little further Jenny's eyes fluttered and then blinked, and then finally opened.

"Lucy?" she asked sounding breathless, and it was then that Lucy noticed the oxygen flowing into her nose by the nasal canula.

"Yeah,"

"Did you need something?" Jenny asked. Lucy refrained from laughing, how could someone lying in bed on oxygen possibly help her.

"Uh no, I was just uh, well I just wanted to see if you were feeling better."

"A little, I think. You can come in if you want."

"Ok," Lucy said deciding she didn't have anything else to do. Jenny had a small loveseat in her room and Lucy sat on that glancing around the room. Black and white seemed to be the dominant color scheme and Lucy noticed the artic animals mural with polar bears and penguins painted on the wall. She remembered Kristin or Derek or someone saying that Jenny was studying art, "Did you paint the mural on your wall?" she asked.

"It's actually a tapestry if you look closely, but yeah. It's more symbolic and therapeutic than it looks," Jenny smiled.

"What do you mean?"

"I used to be very into art when I was younger, and I was an amazing fan of polar bears and penguins anything arctic basically." Jenny stopped and coughed several times but then continued.

"When I was eight we made a mural in school and it was so much fun I was inspired to do one for my bedroom. I remember asking my housekeeper who was more like a nanny for permission and she bought me paint and brushes, it honestly didn't occur to me to ask my mom." Jenny coughed some more and took a sip of the sprite sitting on the table by her bed.

"Anyway it took me months of working on it after school and Saturdays when I wasn't playing with my friends. But finally it was finished and I was so proud, I even had a little unveiling for my housekeeper, our cook, and the gardener. We had sprite and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches--it was quite a treat," Jenny giggled a little which turned into another cough.

"About a month after that my mom finally had reason to be in my room and she noticed the mural. She was furious that I had destroyed the walls and in the process of punishing me she broke my arm. That was kind of when I stopped drawing. Initially because I couldn't but then I just never picked it up again until I began doodling while I was in the hospital two years ago."

Lucy was silent she didn't know what to say. Her parents had never hit them, she supposed as much as they might frustrate her she should be grateful for that. "I'm sorry!" she finally croaked.

"Thanks but it's ok now. It happened a long time ago and I'm very safe now from a lot of things and I just need to remember that. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable."

"No, it's fine. I just never knew anyone who was abused."

"I didn't realize I was abused then. It was just punishment, I've come to realize that punishment shouldn't result in broken bones and concussions."

Again Lucy was silent. She was saved from further comment by Kristin's entry into the room. "I thought I heard voices so I figured you must be awake," she said to Jenny.

"Yeah Lucy and I were just chatting."

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah I think so." Jenny said as Kristin sat gently on her bed. "I'm probably not up to going out with you and Rache and Brian though."

"I think that is a wise decision. I can call Rachel if you like, why don't we all wait for a time when you and Chris can join us."

"Actually I already emailed her. She emailed back that gave her more time to select a fondue"

"Good," Kristin said smiling as Jenny's eyes started to drift closed again. She retrieved Jenny's stuffed Piglet from the floor and readjusted the blankets and then motioned for Lucy to follow her as she crept out of the room.

Out in the hallway Kristin turned to Lucy, "You have a lot more color in your face, I hope that means you are feeling better."

"Yeah, I'm fine. Uh thanks for your help last night."

"I'm just glad you are ok. I was worried about you last night, arrhythmias can be fatal."

"I'm fine!" Lucy reiterated as Derek joined them in the hall and Laurel began to scream. Kristin went off to tend to Laurel and Lucy allowed Derek to lead her back into the library so they could talk.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up," Derek began "I have a paper due on Monday and I needed to do some work on it since the library will be closed over the weekend."

"It's ok," Lucy said. She was afraid to admit that she had felt abandoned both the night before when Derek had gone to Jenny and earlier when he had been working on his paper. Dr. West had encouraged her to be open about her needs but in the past her neediness had been a turn off for the guys that she had dated and she was afraid to risk that with Derek.


	19. Chapter 19

_For all Laurel fans here is a Laurel-Lucy contrast chapter (and they have a lot more in common than either will admit). Don't worry the Camden's will be making more of an appearance later. FWIW reviews inspire me to update more frequently :) _

* * *

Lucy awoke the Monday after Thanksgiving realizing it was December 2nd and her finals were only 2 weeks away. She started to panic a little as she reflected on how much work she needed to do to finish up the semester. A glance at her clock told her it was 8:50 which meant that everyone had probably already left for school or work. She thought she remembered Cynthia coming in and detaching her from her IV pump but maybe she had dreamed that, of course she was unattached.

She decided to get up and get some juice and then start working on her statistics homework. She was surprised to see Laurel in the kitchen when she came downstairs. Laurel looked up from her juice and said, "You're Lucy right?"

"Yes I'm Lucy, Derek's girlfriend," Lucy really hadn't gotten to know Laurel very well she had gone to church with them but otherwise had seemed to be too ill to join them for meals. Which Lucy thought was rather convenient actually. She had thought about trying it but had realized it might cause Dr. West to rehospitalize her.

Just then Derek's grandmother came down the stairs into the kitchen, "Your bed is all nice and clean with fresh sheets sweetheart," she said to Laurel.

"I really feel better. I want to eat breakfast with Lucy."

Theresa Stewart was surprised at the turn of events. When she had originally convinced Laurel to get out of bed for a bath and at least to change into clean pajamas Laurel had been hesitant. But the bath did make her feel better and she had allowed her foster grandmother to braid her brown hair and then been lured downstairs for some juice while the sheets on her bed were changed. "What would you like to eat for breakfast?" she asked brightly.

"Pancakes in teddy bear shapes. He makes them that way do you know how?" Laurel asked earnestly she couldn't quite bring herself to refer to her foster father by name.

"I believe I was the one who taught Matt how to make bear pancakes Laurel," Theresa said smiling and beginning to get a bowl out to mix the batter.

"Oh," Laurel said thoughtfully.

Lucy felt trapped sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar. She was uncertain about how to get out of breakfast since she was still wearing pjs it was pretty obvious she had just gotten up and any normal person would start the day with breakfast. But Lucy wasn't normal, she knew that in her heart, ever since that night in Brett's car she would never be normal again.

"Do you know Derek from school?" Laurel asked.

"Yes, in fact you know I have a lot of work to do for school," Lucy said standing and starting to turn towards the stairs.

"You can work later, you haven't had breakfast yet have you?" Laurel was relentless.

In spite of all the lies Lucy had told in the past year for some reason she couldn't lie to Laurel. "You're right. My mom always used to say breakfast was the most important meal of the day!" Lucy agreed sitting back down at the breakfast bar as Theresa Stewart set plates and silverware in front of the girls and refilled their juice glasses.

"So you like Derek," Laurel continued.

"I love Derek, he's one of the best things that has ever happened to me," Lucy said dreamily and then wondered why she was talking to Laurel. Theresa Stewart put pancakes on the girls plates and then returned to the stove to finish cooking the rest of the pancakes.

Laurel watched Lucy and Lucy watched Laurel as if both of them were waiting for the other to take the first bite. Eventually Lucy became embarrassed with her childishness and took a bite of pancakes. Laurel also took a bite of pancakes. "So you love Derek?" she asked.

"Yes, and it's really not polite to talk with your mouth full," Lucy said. But once the words were out and she saw Laurel's face fall she was sorry. She hadn't meant to be mean, she had just felt flustered the way she had when Ruthie had nosed into her life too much before. In fact in some ways Laurel reminded her a little of Ruthie.

Laurel took another bite of pancakes and then set down her fork. She swallowed carefully and then said, "I'm full, I think I'll go back upstairs now," as calmly as she could muster.

Lucy watched her go feeling worse. She could feel Derek's grandmother's eyes on her. She knew she had to think she was a monster a horrible hateful beast, and she guessed in a way perhaps she was. "I'm sorry ok!" Lucy cried running upstairs herself.

At the top of the stairs she almost tripped over Laurel who was crouched in a small ball. Again she was reminded of Ruthie and her habit of sneaking around and eavesdropping. She remembered how she had argued with Ruthie on the phone the last time she had called home. The email she had sent to try to make up, but Ruthie had not replied and Lucy had been too afraid of calling for fear of her dad picking up the phone. Perhaps she couldn't fix things with Ruthie but she supposed she could fix them with Laurel.

Lucy touched her shoulder gently, "Laur?"

Laurel turned to meet her eyes, and Lucy saw the tears on her face. "I'm sorry Laurel I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I guess I just still feel a little uncomfortable sometimes talking about Derek and stuff. I'm worried that maybe he doesn't love me as much as I love him. I'm worried about losing him."

"He loves you, I've heard him talking. He does love you." Laurel said smiling. "Did you worry that he wouldn't love you because of your eating disorder?"

At first Lucy wondered how Laurel knew about her ed but then another more disturbing thought came to her. How had Ruthie not known about her eating disorder? Maybe Ruthie did know and that was why she had been so relentless.

"Yeah, kind of." Lucy admitted.

"I know me too, or I was at first but Kristin told me that I wasn't unloveable and I try to believe her. It's just hard sometimes."

"I know." Lucy agreed and then realized what Laurel was telling her.

"You have an eating disorder?"

"Yeah, sometimes I'm not sure I want it to go away. I'm not sure how I'll cope without it."

Lucy smiled a little, Laurel's words could be her own. Somehow she found solace in that. She reached out and hugged Laurel and together the two of them cried.

After a few minutes Laurel whispered, "I really am tired."

"Yeah me too," Lucy admitted.

"Kristin would say that is because we don't eat enough. Do you want to sleep in my room. I have clean sheets and everything."

Lucy wasn't really sure why she agreed but somehow it felt like the right thing. Later nestled into Laurel's full size bed among the many stuffed animals she drifted off to sleep. When Theresa Stewart checked on them later they were both sleeping peacefully.

When Derek came home later Lucy got up and they studied for awhile in the library until it was time for dinner. As the week passed by she and Laurel started to explore the rest of the house. Lucy had forgotten that Laurel hadn't lived there much longer than she had.


	20. Chapter 20

_Don't hate me too much if Mary is your favorite character. (Actually the old Mary was one of my favorite characters and it was amazing how she was so confident in who she was and comfortable enough that she did things because they were right even if not necessarily cool. The character change (and I realize this was because Jessica Biel wanted to leave the show etc) never really made sense and the way it was dealt with made even less sense. A significant substance abuse problem could easily explain a lot of Mary's very out of character behavior. At least in later years the Camden family structure has seemed to be built more on denial than anything else so I can see how Eric and Annie would look the other way and how Lucy could become the convenient scapegoat. _

* * *

The weekend came and Kristin and Paul were coming home again as there was an orchestra concert Saturday night that Kristin was playing in and apparently starting the following Monday she would begin a month working in the ER (or ED as she would correct them) at Pembroke Regional.

They sat at dinner Friday night eating pasta with pesto and chicken and listening to Danielle and Kati chatter about school. Lucy noticed how Kristin seemed to really listen to what her little sisters were saying. She had to admit she would tune out a lot when Ruthie or Simon talked at the dinner table. Laurel sat next to Kristin eating occasionally. Lucy noticed how she rolled her eyes at some of Danielle and Kati's accomplishments. She remembered how inferior she used to feel to Mary who had been the better student, and the amazing athlete. Of course Mary had lost her scholarship to play basketball in college and had spent one less than stellar semester at the local community college so Lucy didn't really think any of that was true anymore. However, her parents couldn't see how things really were and continued to see Mary as she had been.

Lucy also noticed that Jenny seemed to have adopted Laurel's not feeling well enough to eat dinner approach. She thought back to Tuesday night when she had woken up in the middle of the night from a disturbing nightmare and needed to just get out of her room. She had gone out into the hall comforted by the bright light. She had remembered the conservatory in the childrens wing with a piano, lots of plants and two fish tanks built into the wall. The fish seemed comforting and Lucy opened the sliding door into the room. It was then that she had heard the voices coming from Jenny's room. She had recognized Derek's at first but then as she listened longer she had picked out something that sounded sort of like Jenny's. Although she wasn't sure it was rational she had felt very abandoned then. It was then that she began to resent Jenny. After all Jenny had her own boyfriend why did she need Derek?

Unfortunately Lucy's resentment and jealousy had continued to fester and when she in a weak moment expressed her feelings to Laurel she felt validated when Laurel admitted that she also didn't like Jenny very much and that Jenny had been mean to her when she first moved in by refusing to teach Laurel her weight loss strategies. Lucy was so lost in her thoughts she almost didn't notice that dinner was over and people were clearing plates around her. Suddenly though she thought of a brilliant idea. She and Derek would go out for the evening, perfectly reasonable she thought since it was Friday after all and they hadn't been out really in weeks. That way she would have him all to herself since there was no way Jenny could suddenly be well enough to go out if she had been too ill to even come to the dinner table. Lucy smiled quite pleased with herself, and then for a second felt a little ashamed. It was a calculated and manipulative plan, of course the deeper she got into her ed the more manipulative she became.

Lucy sidled up to Derek as he was putting some leftovers in the refrigerator. "Let's go out tonight. We could go to Dunbars, it's been awhile since we've been out together."

"Are you sure you are up to that?" Derek asked. "Anyway we should try to go to the orchestra concert tomorrow night if you're feeling well enough. I kind of was planning on staying in and getting work done. Classes end next Wednesday and I have a paper due then."

Lucy pouted, but Derek didn't waver as he had in the past. "I'm sorry Luce, I just really can't go out both tonight and Saturday night."

Frustrated Lucy tore up the stairs in tears. She got ready for bed, what was the point in staying up if Derek was just going to ignore her. When he knocked on the door 5 minutes later she told him to go away that she was sleeping, and reluctantly after staring at her closed door for five minutes Derek did go into his own room and work on his paper.

Eventually Lucy did fall asleep. In her sleep the nightmares returned. She found herself back in Brett's car as he began to force himself upon her. She screamed. Lucy's screams brought Kristin into her room who once again comforted her awake.

But once awake Lucy couldn't stop sobbing. She allowed Kristin to hold her as she cried. Eventually she picked up her head and looked into Kristin's eyes. She saw warmth and compassion in Kristin's deep blue eyes and hesitantly she started to talk. "I didn't want to do it...I said no...he didn't listen...I think it was rape"

"I'm so sorry Lucy. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but you're right if you said no then it is rape."

"I thought that but...well my sister fixed me up with him...and I don't know maybe she told him it would be ok" Lucy again buried her head and sobbed.

A multitude of thoughts ran through Kristin's head but Lucy's last comment struck her 'maybe she told him it would be ok' Kristin wondered what she meant by that but was afraid to ask. She was sure that Lucy would share more if she was ready. Instead she just said "It wasn't your fault Lucy. You didn't do anything wrong."

Lucy sniffled. "I went out with a drug dealer. I didn't know that at the time though, I just thought he was cute and I was in between boyfriends and I thought he was Mary's friend so it would be ok. But he was really Mary's supplier and I'm afraid to ask her if she knew what he wanted. I don't know if I can bear to know the truth."

Kristin could understand that. She hugged Lucy tightly. "I'm glad you told me I think it always gets easier when you tell someone your secrets."

"You won't tell Derek will you?"

"No, I won't but I don't want you to think this is something to be ashamed of. It's beyond unfortunate that it happened to you but you didn't do anything wrong and you're still the same person you were before. This doesn't make you dirty or bad or unlovable. You aren't any of those things. In time when you feel ready to tell Derek I think he'll be sorry this happened to you but he won't love you any less," Kristin assured her.

Eventually Lucy fell back to sleep and Kristin crept out of her room shutting the door gently behind her. She felt Paul come up behind her and fell back a little into his embrace. She thought of her mother explaining that some days when she had seen too much ugliness of the world at the hospital she merely needed to come home and hug her husband or play with her children. Although she had only been a physician for a little less than 2 years Kristin had already found that to be the case. Together she and Paul had shared tears for their patients before. But somehow her conversation with Lucy had affected her differently. She couldn't help thinking of the similarities between Lucy's family and her own. She began to wonder how close the ugliness could be to each of them.

"Is she alright?" Paul whispered.

"She's asleep and I think she's as alright as she can be at the moment."

As they lay in bed that night Paul whispered, "I'm going to miss you."

"I know, I'll miss you too but it's only a little more than 2 weeks until Christmas and we'll be together then."

"I know and I know that you're with people who love you and that helps. I also know I'm asking in vain if I ask you to take it easy so I'll just ask you to listen to your body."

"I always do," Kristin said turning to face and kiss her husband.


	21. Chapter 21

In the morning Kristin was up early to teach water aerobics. She collected Danielle and Kati from their even earlier swim practice when her class was over. As they walked to Paul's SUV in the health club parking lot a new dusting of snow was falling onto the five inches lining the ground from the previous snowfall. "It's snowing" Kati cried skipping ahead through the parking lot.

"I used to actually consider snow on the morning of a ski meet lucky," Kristin said.

"Hmmm I'll have to remember that. We're dueling Millertown we could use all the luck we could get." Danielle said as they reached the SUV.

When they arrived home their father was just removing his outer layers after his early morning run. Later after warm showers the family sat down to pancakes, hot chocolate, and fresh orange juice. Kati smiled pancakes were one of her favorite breakfasts and she was excited about her first ski race of the season. It was also being held at the same golf course as Danielle's school's varsity race so she was sure she could count on a huge cheering section which always made it more fun.

After breakfast Cynthia went back to the hospital to see a few patients and remove yet another swallowed quarter from a child's esophagus. She somehow wondered how statistically her children had survived their toddling years without coin ingestion. Matt dropped the girls off to warm up for their ski races while he went home to collect their grandparents to increase Kati's cheering section. Paul stood on the golf course watching his wife attach skis and prepare to ski off as she had agreed to be a course spotter for Danielle's race. He knew Kristin's father considered skiing her strongest sport and as a collegiate All-American and member of the national team he supposed he had to agree. However somehow soccer was easier to understand and much warmer he noted stomping his feet to warm them.

His inlaws joined him moments before the gun, signaling the start of Danielle's race, fired and he looked to see a flail of arms and legs and poles yet he noted that Danielle and about a dozen other girls remained milling around the start. He was confused at first but then remembered that they often did a staggered start. Sure enough 5 minutes after the first group started the second group was sent out. And then a few minutes later the coed youth race began over a separate shorter course in the opposite direction. Both races would finish on the green but at slightly different finish lines. Matt's job seemed to be making sure that the youth skiers crossed the correct finish line and Paul could see him out there, skis on ready to direct traffic.

"Cocoa Paul?" Kristin's grandmother offered.

"Sure, thanks." Paul agreed accepting the cup she handed him.

"I've started making a quilt for your little one. Kristin told me about your nursery plans since I wanted to coordinate it." Theresa Stewart continued.

"Thank you. I'm sure Kristin will be very touched, she really treasures gifts from you and Kurt." Paul said. Their entire bedroom set was handcrafted by Kristin's grandfather Kurt. He had originally made Kristin's bed, blanket chest, dressing table, night stand, and dresser when she had moved into the townhouse they now shared. When she and Paul had married he had given Paul a matching nightstand and chest of drawers as a wedding gift.

"We enjoy doing it. Kristin has always been very special to us." Theresa continued.

"To all of us, I think." Paul said

They stood there for a few more minutes chatting until finally they saw a skier burst out from the wooded trail around the golf course and start to ski the final half mile across the snow covered green. As she got closer Paul realized it was Danielle. She skied on strongly, crossing the finish line and entering the chute. Paul joined his inlaws in the applause. Danielle joined them a few moments later.

"Nice race," Paul acknowledged. As Danielle started to take off her skis and put her warmup suit back on.

"Thank you. That hill is not fun. I always forget how bad it is until I'm in the middle of it though." Danielle said. "Oh look! It's Kati and the Thompson twins." Danielle said pointing in the opposite direction where her little sister chased after two boys a few years older than her. Seconds before the finish line Kati skied past the second boy and then followed the first one into the chute.

"Wow! She's pretty fast." Paul was impressed. Although much safer than downhill skiing, cross-country skiing required a coordination Paul still didn't seem to possess.

Danielle rushed over to join her sister. "You skied so awesome Kati! I'm really proud!" Danielle exclaimed raising her hand for high fives. Kati slapped her hand and smiled. The two sisters went back to join the rest of the family as other skiers finished their races in the background. Danielle helped Kati with her skis and together they went back into the locker room in the clubhouse to get their bags.

"I wish Jenny could have come." Kati said glumly as they went upstairs to the locker room.

"I know Kate and I think Jenny wishes she could have come. But she's working really hard on getting better so she can go to other races later."

"I want her to get better. I asked God to help her."

"I know we all do, and you're right prayer can be helpful." Danielle said hugging her sister. "Come on we should go home so I can finish studying before the concert tonight."

Kati followed her sister out of the locker room. When they went back outside the last few skiers were finishing. Kristin had skied back in from her spotting post and was standing with Mr. Morton, Danielle's coach.

"Nice job Danielle." he said as they joined them.

"Thanks. Do we know the team results yet?"

"Yes we defeated Millertown 19 -40 and Deering 16-45 so it looks like we are still on track."

"Good"

Meanwhile back at 1872 Lilac Lucy was waking up. Again she realized that someone had been kind enough to disconnect her from her IV pump and she sat up and glanced around the room. It was then that she noticed the basket of stuff from The Body Shop. Lucy hopped out of bed excitedly remembering when she was younger and her parents used to leave at least one birthday present in her room for her to open when she woke up. She took the card off the top of the basket, opened it, and read:

Luce, 

I hate it when we are unable to communicate. I do truly love you and it's so hard for me to understand why you find that so difficult to believe at times. Perhaps that's what the eating disorder does. You're very special to me. I love you.

Love,

Derek

In many ways Derek's actions surprised her. Her previous boyfriends had been perhaps uncomfortable with her poor self image but they had never challenged it. Touched Lucy wandered down the hall looking for Derek, she was dejected to not find him in his room but she wandered down to the kitchen where she saw him pouring juice in the kitchen. "Morning. Juice?" Derek asked.

"Sure, uh Derek I'm sorry about last night."

"It's ok. I'm never sure what I should say to help you feel better. I love you Lucy Camden." Derek said.

"I love you too Derek." Lucy said allowing him to embrace her gently just as Danielle and Kati came scampering through the door. Derek hugged her more tightly and then released her and at least appeared to be excited in hearing about Kati and Danielle's ski meet.

Lucy sipped at her juice hurt by their intrusion. As the rest of the family congregated in the kitchen where Matt began fixing lunch Lucy excused herself to get dressed. But when she reached her room she was already in tears again. She couldn't really explain what she was feeling, life just felt out of control.

She decided not to get dressed right away. Instead she brought Derek's basket into the bathroom and started to draw a bath. She lay in the bathtub crying but somehow feeling comforted in a weird way. Eventually feeling a little better she got out of the tub and toweled dry. Later, dressed, she finally went back downstairs but to her dismay only Matt was in the kitchen finishing up lunch preparation. Apparently Derek had gone back upstairs to work on his paper and everyone else had dispersed to their own activities. Lucy glanced at the clock in the kitchen and saw that it was 12:30, so she had spent almost half an hour in the tub, actually a rather short bath for her she had to admit. She was about to take advantage of Matt perhaps not noticing her presence, as he stirred the soup in the crockpot and removed sandwiches from under the broiler, and escape back up the stairs.

However, like all parents, Matt seemed to have eyes in the back of his head. "Good afternoon Lucy. Would you like a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich?" he asked brightly.

"Uh I'm allergic to tomatos." Lucy said. It was the first excuse she had thought of and she was sure Matt saw through her lie since she had eaten both lasagna and spaghetti with tomato sauce without adverse events.

Instead Matt said, "Well we have a few sandwiches without tomato."

"Oh good," Lucy said feeling trapped as Kati and Danielle came back into the kitchen after changing out of their ski clothes. Danielle and Kati started setting the table as the rest of the family joined them.

As they sat down to lunch Lucy initially vowed to make a real effort to eat to set a good example for Laurel as she thought of how she would never want Ruthie to have an ed. But she just couldn't do it. After one bite of grilled cheese she felt huge and blimpoid and sure that Derek would never really love her. She held back the tears and returned her sandwich to her plate. No one commented on her barely touched lunch when they were cleaning up after lunch. Then to add insult to injury Derek offered to bring Jenny some soup. Lucy watched him ascend the staircase with a tray and feeling rejected went back up to her room.

In her room she frantically searched her room for her remaining packet of laxatives and then she remembered how Matt had taken it when he searched her room for "ed contraband" the previous weekend. She slammed her desk drawer shut and threw herself on her bed in tears, eventually crying herself to sleep.

It was almost 6 when she awoke to Derek stroking her hair. She sat up in bed allowing her eyes to adjust to the dimness of her room. "I wasn't sure if I should wake you, you looked comfortable but I thought you wanted to go to the orchestra concert and it begins at 630." Derek said.

"Well don't you want to stay home with poor Jenny?" Lucy asked her voice dripping with sarcasm.

Derek either missed the sarcasm or chose to ignore it. "Well actually I would be a logical choice to stay with Jenny as I am tone deaf and probably wouldn't miss as much by not going to the concert. However it seems that my grandfather also claims to be tone deaf and he's going to stay with Jenny. He's finishing up the crib for Paul and Kristin's child but don't tell anyone it's supposed to be a secret."

Lucy pondered for a moment and realized that it was probably time to adopt the if you can't beat them join them attitude and go to the concert with Derek.

So they went to the concert and listened to several pieces played by the orchestra Matt, Kristin, and Danielle played in. Finally right before intermission the Community Symphonic Band which from what Lucy could figure out was kind of like a "B" ensemble played two lively pieces. Kati played in that and although there seemed to be some teens in that group and one girl that might have been possibly Ruthie's age Kati was clearly the youngest. During intermission Cynthia left to take Kati home and put her to bed since it was already 7:30 and that was her usual bedtime.

After the concert Matt and Cynthia hosted an afterglow and open house. It reminded Lucy of the Thanksgiving Party but was a little more formal as it was held in the ballroom and everyone was still dressed up from attending the orchestra concert held in the Pember Auditorium next door to the Museum on the Square. Her parents had never been so social and certainly not in the high society etiquette way. As the Lucy glanced around the room at the professionally arranged trays of desserts and urns of specialty coffees she was surprised at the absence of alcohol. It seemed like wine would be served.

Lucy quickly lost interest in the party and longed to just take off her makeup and go to bed. She whispered to Derek that she was tired and he followed her upstairs. At the top of the stairs he asked, "Are you really exhausted or had you just had enough of that party?"

"A little of both really," Lucy said embarassed.

"Hey it's ok I'm not a big fan of these formal things either. Tomorrow night will be just kind of cookies and hot cider."

"Tomorrow night? What is tomorrow night?"

"The Tree Lighting Ceremony in Lilac Park. An ensemblage of the Community Orchestra and Band usually play some carols and a few other pieces. Then there are a few cookie parties at various homes in the neighborhood. Of course my parents volunteer every year." Derek explained.

"Of course. I think I would get sick of all of the entertaining."

"I kind of do. My parents enjoy it though. Our New Years Party is more fun though. Lots of music and dancing and wonderful cheesecake. Anyway what I was originally going to say was that if you weren't exhausted maybe we could watch a movie."

"We could do that. I want to change out of this skirt first though." Lucy agreed.

"Ok, there is a TV and DVD system in the conservatory here or we could go downstairs to the rec room."

"Lets just stay up here, that way I can change into my pajamas and not have to risk running into a town councilman as we head downstairs." Lucy quipped.

"Three of them are actually down there," Derek joked.

"I know, your father introduced me." Lucy said smiling and turning to head down the hall to her room.


	22. Chapter 22

_The Camden's will be making an appearance for Thanksgiving in their own dysfunctional way..._

* * *

Later she and Derek snuggled on the couch in the conservatory watching the beginning of "A Secret Between Friends" which Lucy had selected. Derek had forgotten about the movie, a lifetime original, not exactly his style. However, in this case Danielle had come home in tears after watching it at a slumber party and his parents had managed to purchase a copy from the lifetime network so they could view it. Derek had watched it then, the plot revolved around two high school girls with eating disorders and he supposed it hadn't helped that one of the main characters, who ultimately died, was named Jen as well.

Derek tuned out most of the movie, as Lucy stared at the screen intensely. When they reached the part where the other girl, Lexi, was freaking out after her friend's death and her parents were reacting to it, Derek noticed the tears running down Lucy's face although she was silent and staring at the screen.

"Hey talk to me, what's wrong," Derek asked stroking her cheek.

Lucy remained silent staring at the screen as Lexi's parents debated their next move. "It's sad, but wow her parents really seem to care about her," Lucy finally blurted out.

Derek pulled her into his embrace more tightly. "I'm sure your parents care about you too Lucy," he whispered. Lucy didn't respond to his comment and Derek let it go. For a second it surprised him he had even uttered it. It was something perhaps Kristin would have said back when she was Kaiti's age when she presumed that everyone's parents loved and cared about them because she had never known differently. Of course from personal experience he supposed that Kristin still didn't know differently, however, she had seen the other side initially through her foster sibling's experiences and he supposed now through her experiences in the Emergency Department. Derek on the other hand had his own personal experience. He had no disillusions that his biological mother did love or care for him. In time he had let go of that and moved on.

The next morning Lucy joined the Stewart family for church as the second advent candle was lit. She had to admit Danielle and Kati were cute and almost angel like as she watched them play a modification of Joy to the World with Kristin during the prelude. And Derek parent's dueling piano rendition during the offertory somehow brought her to tears. She felt Derek take her hand and she tried to fight them back but then realizing it was futile she jumped up and ran from the sanctuary. Derek followed her into the vestibule where she had collapsed on a bench sobbing. He knelt in front of her. "Lucy what's wrong?" he asked gently.

She tried to answer him but she couldn't find the words. Somehow she just needed to cry. Derek whispered, "I'm going to go get your coat and I'll take you home ok." He returned moments later and helped her into her coat and then held her as they walked to his jeep in the church parking lot. "If you need something else just tell me but otherwise I'm going to get you home ok."

When they reached the Stewart Residence Lucy was still crying softly and Derek led her back upstairs. Finally she spoke, "I don't know what's wrong I just feel awful inside."

"Awful like sick? Pain?"

"I don't know it just doesn't feel right," Lucy said starting in with a fresh set of tears.

Unable to think of anything else Derek finally resigned himself to holding her while she fell asleep. Later when his parents asked concernedly if Lucy was alright he told them he really didn't know.

But when she awoke hours later around 530 she seemed fine. Cheerful even and joined them for dinner. She seemed excited about the Tree Lighting Ceremony and as the family cleaned up after dinner Matt wondered if maybe things were getting better. Lucy's distance from her own parents still concerned him though and the nagging concern of abuse haunted him. He thought of how Laurel had grown up in their neighborhood. He had belonged to same state bar association as her father, a divorce attorney. Admittedly a bar association he had reported her father to for some unscrupulous tactics he had observed when he had appeared in custody and support hearings in Matt's courtroom. He hadn't had much respect for Darrel Greeley but he had never believed he could be capable of the crimes he had committed.

Later as he played Christmas Carols on an electric keyboard set up in the park he glanced up from his music at their youngest daughter Kati as she played her oboe. He prayed silently that God would keep her safe from the ugliness in the world. That perhaps through her kindness and love the world would become a better place. She reminded him of Kristin and Danielle at her age the same sweetness and love of music and skiing. As the carol finished ending the ceremony he continued to think of the children as he packed up his keyboard.

Back home they warmed up around the fireplace in the parlor with hot cider and cookies and they let Kati stay up a little late to join the party. She seemed to recognize that somehow and didn't fuss when they later asked her to go upstairs and ready for bed even though many guests were still there. Cynthia went upstairs to read to her and tuck her in, taking advantage of not being on overnight call in the hospital and Matt continued to host their guests.

Later after the last of their guests had left, Matt and Cynthia had just finished cleaning up after the party and loading all the dishes into the dishwasher. They began to kiss when Cynthia's pager interrupted them. They both laughed at the irony and she left a few minutes later to return to the hospital and he went room to room to check on their children before going to his study to work on their annual Christmas letter. He was typing away on the computer when he heard cries over the baby monitor they had placed in Laurel's room since it seemed to upset her so much for him to check on her at night if Cynthia wasn't home.

Matt took a deep breath and went back through the house into the formal front hall and up those stairs and then through the library in the children's wing and down the short hallway past a bathroom, laundry room, and closet to the main hallway of the wing which brought him to Laurel's room. He hesitated outside the door but he could still hear her faint uncomfortable cries. He knocked gently, "Laurel, it's Matthew Stewart are you ok?"

There was no answer and he tried again, "Laurel?"

Again there was no answer so he continued, "Laurel, I'm concerned that you aren't alright so I'm going to open the door." Matt said doing so gently then shuddering at what he saw.

Laurel lay in bed obviously uncomfortable, sweating, and covered with vomitus and Matt's heart ached to help her. His instincts were to hug her and help her into the bathtub and then set to work on cleaning up the mess and finally changing his own clothes before helping her back into a clean fresh bed where if it were Kati or Danielle he would stay with her with cool compresses and ginger ale to sip until she felt better. But Kati and Danielle had been raised by a loving father who they had no reason not to trust Laurel had not and he knew that approach wouldn't work with her. "Laurel, it can't feel good to lie on dirty sheets why don't we see what we can do about that?"

In the hall closet Matt retrieved a clean set of sheets, and extra blanket and finally a large towel. He returned to Laurels room and stacked the linens minus the towel on top of her dresser and then approached her bed. "I'm going to help you, nothing is going to hurt you," he said wrapping the towel around her gently.

"No don't touch me," Laurel cried.

"I'm not touching you I'm just touching the towel ok," Matt said carefully picking her up from her bed where the towel covered. He gently deposited her in her chair and stripped her bed and then remade it with fresh sheets and a clean blanket. As he placed the last pillow into a clean case he noticed her giraffe on the floor who had apparently seen better days as well. He added the stuffed animal to the pile of dirty sheets and added a few pairs of jeans and socks that lay on the floor of her room as well. He opened her dresser and removed a clean nightgown. He knew she had been needing Cynthia or Kristin's help with dressing and he felt uncomfortable helping her to change. He wasn't sure that was something he would even feel comfortable helping Danielle with at her age. He hated to wake their oldest daughter but he realized he didn't see another option.

Kristin gladly got up and he carried Laurel towel and all into the upstairs bathroom nearest to her room and waited outside the door a few minutes for Kristin to hand him the bathroom hamper which she had added Laurel's nightgown and the towel too. He lugged all the laundry into the laundry room in the east wing and started the load. It gave him something to think about other than how awkward things still were with his foster daughter.

In the bathroom Kristin helped Laurel take a bath and wash her hair, and then helped her from the tub, wrapped in a clean towel. She had turned on the bathroom heater but Laurel still seemed to be shivering and Kristin realized it was probably the chills that often preceded the fever spikes. Laurel had been having fevers for the last few days which her pediatrician seemed to feel were due to the Amphotericin however Kristin thought in her experience that Amphotericin fevers were usually associated with the infusion and didn't seem to persist the entire day which Laurel's had been. Also she just didn't look well.

Tucked back into bed, Laurel clung to Kristin's arm with one hand and the other hand found its way upward so her thumb was in her mouth. Kristin stroked Laurel's hair with her free hand looking up as her father poked his head back in the room. "Thank you for your help."

"No problem"

"Is she asleep now?"

"I think so mostly. Has she been any more willing to work with Linda?" Kristin asked referring to Laurel's therapist.

"On the surface no. Although personally I think that she probably is listening to some of what's being said even though she pretends to have her discman on. I think it gives her a feeling of control that if she doesn't like what's said she can always drown it out with music. I'm not sure that's all bad. I think in every way imaginable someone has taken control away from her so maybe this one opportunity is what she needs." Matt suggested.

"That's pretty insightful Dad. Let me guess Linda doesn't share your optimism?"

"No, she doesn't and she will be terminating their therapeutic relationship if Laurel doesn't become a more active participant in the next month. Your mom and I have started looking at some inpatient programs."

"I hope it doesn't have to come to that." Kristin said.

"I do too. But I also wonder if it's the only way. She's miserable in this house with me. Perhaps she needs to become more comfortable with fathers before things will work. What I don't want is for Laurel to feel like we have given up on her and I worry that may happen if we do send her to an inpatient program."

"I know Dad. I think God will show what the right choice is. I really believe that."

"I love you Kristin Marie," Matt said hugging his oldest daughter.

"I love you too Dad." Kristin said. After her father left Kristin extricated herself from Laurel's grasp and made sure she was comfortable and then she stole out of her room.


	23. Chapter 23

The next morning Lucy again awoke to a nearly empty house. She stretched luxuriously in bed somewhat glad she didn't have to trudge through the snow to class. In some ways she felt like she was cheating though, by not having to attend class. She had used some of the time to her advantage and managed to complete all of her statistics assignments and both her theology paper and her final theology paper. She was pretty confident she would probably get As and Theology and Psych and probably at least a B in Statistics, or maybe an A if she did really well on the final which was a take home exam. Calculus was the only thing that worried her she had a B going into the final and really wasn't sure she understood integration at all. She opened her calculus book and worked through a few examples sort of grasping the concept but she was getting drowsy again and she closed the book just as she noticed Laurel was standing in her doorway.

"Hi Laurel," Lucy said warmly.

"Hi" Laurel returned shyly.

"Why don't you come in?" Lucy offered and then moved to allow Laurel to share her bed. She kind of liked Laurel's company, it kind of reminded her of the happier moments of her relationship with her little sister Ruthie but Laurel seemed to admire her in a way Ruthie didn't.

"Guess what?" Laurel giggled

"What?"

"Jenny's going to get in trouble."

"Really? Why?" Lucy knew it was kind of bad but she was intrigued.

"Well I know something she did and I'm going to tell. I'll tell you what it is later but I just thought you'd want to know she will get in trouble." Laurel finished giggling more.

Lucy knew it was bad to be happy about someone else's misfortune but somehow she was. She and Laurel spent the rest of the morning looking at magazines in Lucy's bed and Lucy was surprised where the time went and surprised when Derek's grandmother came up to tell them lunch was ready. Her tone sounded firm as if to imply that lunch was ready and they would eat. Still dressed in pajamas the girls went downstairs to lunch tomato soup and peanut butter sandwiches. "You aren't going to really eat the peanut butter are you?" Laurel asked.

"Of course not peanut butter is bad." Lucy agreed.

"Girls food isn't bad and its a varied diet that keeps us healthy. I agree that nothing but peanut butter would be unhealthy but protein and fat are necessary parts of our diet." Theresa said in as patient a tone as she could muster. She had a new admiration for his son if he went through this at every meal.

"She sounds like my nutritionist," Laurel whispered.

"Mine too. Hey wait who is your nutritionist?"

"Gayle"

"Mine too, I don't really like her."

"I know" Laurel said taking a bite of her soup and then looking frantically to make sure Lucy was going to eat the soup as well. Lucy did eat the soup as they giggled their way through almost all of it, and then Laurel suggested they could do their nails. Theresa watched them scamper away and as she cleaned up their lunch mess she realized how childish they seemed. Perhaps she could understand it from Laurel who was only 13 but Lucy should be older she felt. Of course she realized they really didn't know what had happened in Lucy's past either.

They did nail art all afternoon but as soon as they heard Matt come home Laurel said, "I'm going to tell about Jenny. Don't worry I'll tell you later," and then she was gone. Lucy was a little confused but decided to attack her Calculus instead of obsessing further over Jenny.

Downstairs Matt was having a cup of tea with his mother when Laurel came downstairs. "Can I talk to you?" she asked Matt smiling sweetly.

"Of course Laurel." Matt said although her request caught him off guard. As he led her into his study so they could talk privately he asked the Lord for guidance with whatever she might ask him. He couldn't help but be optimistic, perhaps Laurel was finally starting to see that not all fathers were evil.

Unfortunately Matt was not so fortunate. However, his requests for guidance were appropriate he realized after Laurel dropped her bomb. Laurel had gleefully told him about and then shown him the positive home pregnancy test of Jenny's she had found.

Overwhelmed he didn't bother to scold her for not respecting Jenny's privacy. He sunk back to the couch in his study and rested his head in his hands as Laurel happily almost skipped out. Matt agonized over what to do next. He realized they needed to discuss the situation with Jenny but as she lay in bed suffering through fever and chills he doubted it was the time. Anyway Christine was on in-house ICU call that evening and wouldn't be home so they could talk to her together. Yet at the same time the pregnancy introduced another variable one he doubted her physicians knew about and he wondered if it would alter the management of her pneumonia. He thought some more and realized that he really needed to discuss the issue with Jenny.

Solemnly Matt trudged up to Jenny's room, and knocked. She didn't answer so he opened the door a crack and saw that she was awake. She motioned for him to come in and then whispered, "Sorry I'm trying to conserve my voice." She set down her math book and turned her full attention to him as he sat down in the chair by her bed.

"I just want you to know Jenny that we all love you very much and nothing that you can tell me is going to make me love you less."

"I know. It's a good thing." Jenny said.

"So I would hope that if there was something you were struggling with you would be able to tell us. But I guess if you couldn't I'd want you to tell someone so that you'd have support," Matt continued awkwardly. Jenny nodded. She wasn't really sure exactly what her father was trying to get at.

"So maybe you could tell Kristin and I think you could trust her advice if you didn't want to share something with us. I think it's important that the doctors know and if you needed something to be excluded from my domain as your medical guardian we could arrange this. All I really care about is you having the support and the medical attention you need. I really love you so much Jennifer." Matt finished opening his arms and she fell into his embrace, still confused about what he was talking about.

As she lay back down, he said "I guess I should leave it at that but please remember what I said and remember that we love you."

"Dad?"

"Yes sweetheart."

"What are you talking about?"

"Jenny, listen I know."

"You know what?"

"I know about the pregnancy, and I agree I'm worried for you but I'm sure you have to be so much more scared and I just want you to know that we will get through this and we love you and will support whatever decision you make."

"The pregnancy? What?"

"It doesn't matter how I know honey. That isn't important now, what's important is that you get the medical attention you need and you feel as secure as you can," Matt tried to hug her again but this time Jenny pulled away.

"What? You think I'm pregnant? What?" her voice escalated with each word and she shakily stood.

"I'm not pregnant Dad! Good grief Chris and I aren't even having sex!" she screamed starting to storm out of her room. She didn't get very far though, as she reached the threshold of her room she collapsed.

Matt rushed to her. She had a rapid but thready pulse and he could see her chest rising indicating she was still breathing but she looked like she was working hard to breathe and he realized that in spite of all of their efforts and Dr. Lynch's efforts to allow her to recover from the pneumonia at home they had failed. As he called for an ambulance she opened her eyes a little, he took her hand and said. "We all love you Jenny it's going to be ok."

The paramedics arrived quickly and transported her to Pembroke Regional Hospital. Cynthia stood in shock room 2 awaiting arrival of their patient. Typically the EM physicians called for ICU backup if they had critical patients expected and Cynthia had been expecting a child with respiratory distress instead she looked down into familiar eyes. "What size tube Dr. Stewart?" the RT asked her.

Cynthia hesitated a moment but then took a deep breath and said " 6.5 and I need a straight blade. Lets give some propofol and some cisatracurium. I do not want succinylcholine"

The intubation itself went smoothly and the chest x-ray afterward showed appropriate tube position and the presence of bilateral pleural effusions the right one looked locculated. "No wonder she was so uncomfortable," Cynthia remarked to herself looking at the film. Perhaps she should have required Jenny's internist to have admitted her days before but Jenny had been so adamant about being home and he had felt confident her lungs sounded better. She knew what Matt would say, 'You can't blame yourself for other's mistakes' and she knew that to be true so she instead went back into the shock room and placed the bilateral chest tubes needed to drain the effusion, and then the femoral venous and arterial lines.

Although it was something she knew even Jenny's nephrologist didn't want to think about there was a reasonable possibility she might need dialysis for the rest of her life and Cynthia figured they should try to save her radial arteries for a dialysis access site if it came to that. She was suturing in her last line the arterial line when one of the nurses she didn't know well came in. "Her father is out there, do you want to talk to him?"

Christine almost laughed. Instead she said, "Yes, but I'd like to get her settled in the ICU first. I'm all done here, let me write some orders and I'll meet him in the ICU Family Lounge in ten minutes or so"

"Would you like me to show him where that is?"

"If he doesn't know where it is that would be nice, thank you."

Meanwhile back at 1872 Lilac Kristin and Derek had both arrived home about 10 minutes after the ambulance had followed by their father. As their grandmother explained what she knew about the situation Derek suddenly realized he had forgotten a book at the library. Kristin hugged him and then watched him go suspecting he needed some time to process things. She knew Derek cared for Jenny deeply and she was proud of the way he was a good brother to her. She also knew he still had a lot of unresolved guilt to work through and that while not Lucy or Jenny's fault both of their illnesses complicated that. She then hugged her grandmother and went upstairs to change out of the scrubs she had worn for her exciting 8-4 shift in the Pembroke Regional ED. She took a quick shower and then dressed in a pair of jeans, a turtleneck, and a shaker knit sweater. She found it a little disturbing that she was able to fit into a pair of old jeans still as she entered her 3rd trimester but considering she had gained a grand total of four pounds during the pregnancy she supposed that was not surprising. She was reassured by the frequent ultrasounds that showed their daughter growing steadily on the 50th percentile. She combed her hair and then braided it into a french braid. She sprayed down the shower with tilex, tossed her wet towels into the hamper and walked out of the bathroom into her bedroom.

She found Laurel curled up on her bed clutching her now clean giraffe. She sat down on her bed and tousled Laurel's hair. "Hi sweetheart. How are you?"

"I'm sorry" Laurel sobbed, sitting up and hugging her.

"Why are you sorry honey?"

"I tried to get Jenny in trouble and I guess it made her sick."

"Oh Laurel, no Jenny was sick and it's unfortunate that she needed to go back to the hospital but it's not your fault. Why did you try to get her in trouble?"

"I don't know. I just, well she doesn't like me."

"Oh sweetie I don't think that's true."

"Well she wouldn't help me. She wouldn't show me how to lose weight."

"Laurel do you think maybe that's because she does like you? Maybe because she knows how bad it felt to be really sick and she didn't want you to go through that?"

"Maybe," Laurel said sniffling. "I'm sorry. I'll try to be nice to her if she gets better."

"Oh Laurel. I love you." Kristin said hugging her.

And although her ICU course was slow Jenny did start to get better. It was looking optimistic that she would be home for Christmas and Laurel had put special effort into getting her Christmas gift. Kristin had taken her to the art store near campus to get Jenny's present the Saturday before Christmas. As Laurel browsed through the store Kristin reflected on the almost two intervening weeks. She and her mom had been really busy at the hospital and although she had learned a lot in the ED she'd seen some awful ugliness. Kati and Danielle had continued on in their simple way of finding the joy in every moment of the day from 4 am swim practice to music jam sessions with Kristin as they worked on music for Christmas Eve at Church and the Annual First Night Celebration.

Yet Danielle had seen her own challenges as well she'd had another really bad exacerbation of her autoimmune disease a few nights ago requiring a spinal tap to remove the excess csf and increasing her mannitol dose, and although Kristin suspected she was having post LP headaches she seemed to continue on and had wanted to go to swim practice the next day.

"What about this?" Laurel called, interrupting Kristin's thoughts. Kristin looked over to see that she was holding a palette and acrylic paints.

"I think that would be very nice. Jenny paints a lot she'll enjoy that."

"Ok" Laurel agreed.

As they paid for Jenny's gift Kristin thought about even the small improvements Laurel had made in the past few weeks. She still was terrified of her father though, in fact it had gotten worse Kristin thought realizing that even when with other family members Laurel became distressed if he was in the room and Kristin could sense some internal conflict that Laurel felt bad about her feelings. As they left the store Kristin pulled Laurel into a hug, "Why don't we see if we can find you a dress that makes you feel like the princess you are, that you can wear to church on Christmas Eve" Kristin suggested.

Laurel smiled. She really loved Kristin and even her husband Paul was ok because he wasn't really a dad yet. She wished she could go and live with them, it had been her prayer for many nights but somehow God didn't seem to be listening.


	24. Chapter 24

_Guess who's coming for Christmas? Peace and harmony for the holidays? Unfortunately more like chaos, and hurt feelings I'm afraid. Also look for a few other family members to show up before the New Year _

* * *

Meanwhile back in California it was December 21st and 4 days before Christmas. Annie was in the kitchen baking cookies with Sam and David but as the boys cut santas, trees, and angels from the dough she thought about Lucy.

They hadn't heard from Lucy in almost 2 months and while at first Annie had attributed it to Lucy's thoughtlessness and perhaps just being busy with school. When they hadn't heard from Lucy after Thanksgiving Annie had become concerned. She had expected Lucy to at least call on Thanksgiving. She knew Eric had been hurt that she hadn't called, and as was typical Eric turned defensive and stubborn. He had forbidden Annie to call or to send the care package she had planned for finals week. But finally concern had won out over pride and Eric had reluctantly called last night which was the last day of Lucy's finals. There was no answer and Eric thought the voice on her answering machine had sounded weird. Annie had suggested maybe it was a computer machine but she had worried even more. She had tried to call Lucy multiple times after Eric had finally gone to bed all to no avail.

In the living room Eric sat on the couch leafing through the mail mostly bills and holiday cards. He was surprised at the Pennsylvania postmark on one card, and opened it with trepidation the only person they knew in PA was Lucy and it was clearly not her handwriting on the card.

The card was a simple picture of the stable on thick stock with a message that read "May the peace of the season bless you and your family". Inside the card were several pieces of stationary bearing what Eric presumed to be one of those annual Christmas letters. The kind they used to write before he became too embarrassed to do so. As he unfolded the letter he thought back to his class at seminary and wondered who was in PA. He leaned back against the couch and began to read:

_Hello Friends, _

We hope things are well for you and your loved ones. It's been a hectic and challenging, but at times very rewarding year. Our children continue to amaze us with their resilience, patience, and love. Tonight was our community tree lighting ceremony in the park near our home. Our daughters Kristin, Danielle, and Kaitlin all played in the community band and I managed to accompany on keyboard without shorting the Christmas lights (this really has never been an issue Cynthia just feels uncomfortable when I start wielding extension cords). It was a pleasant evening chilly and with some fresh snow to make the season. We hosted a hot cider and cookie party afterward and continued the carols around the piano in our ballroom. Now with at least four of our currently home six children asleep and Cynthia returning to the hospital to put in a central line (her pager was miraculously silent until after we had sent our last guests home and loaded the dishwasher) I have some quiet time to reflect on these past months.

In late August we were blessed with a new foster child, Laurel, now thirteen. Laurel was diagnosed with purging anorexia before placement and we had our suspicions that she had been abused. Eventually she tearfully opened up to our oldest daughter Kristin about the past and more than our worst fears were confirmed. We continued to encourage her to share in counseling and even allowed her to switch counselors hoping another one would fit better with her. These efforts have not been entirely successful and when Laurel developed pneumonia we changed our focus to the physical issues at hand. After six weeks in the hospital with pneumonia, fungicemia, and cholangitis Laurel came home shortly before Thanksgiving. Laurel has continued to struggle at home but we recognize her efforts to take just one more bite than yesterday and are trying to be sensitive to her memories and struggles. She's starting to deal with what happened before and though it's difficult only by dealing will she be set free. Laurel seems to both yearn for safe and loving parents and at the same time be afraid of anyone who is a parent. We can only imagine the internal angst and try to be patient and give her as much space as possible. Kristin will be doing a residency outreach rotation at the hospital here starting tomorrow and Laurel seems happy about this. We're glad she feels comfortable with Kristin but hope that this month serves as a transition period and Laurel becomes more comfortable with us as well.

After hospitalization for pneumonia and pyelonephritis in September Jenny did quite well. She had a fun semester of advanced geometry, another art studio course, and sociology. She has worked hard with counseling and begun to feel like she really is getting somewhere. We remain extremely proud of her efforts and accomplishments. I suppose if we were honest we were often waiting for the other shoe to drop and on Thanksgiving Jenny finally admitted to us that she really was starting to feel sick again. After a few doctors appointments we learned that she again has pneumonia and she's been making a valiant attempt at resting and getting well. She's hoping to avoid returning to the hospital and we'll see how that goes. We know how much more comfortable she is at home in her own bed and will work with her and the doctors to allow this as much as we can.

Derek continues in college as well, now in his third full semester he has selected a third major-psychology. He's becoming a better student and continuing to work on healthy expression of feelings. This fall has been difficult for him. Laurel is now about the same age Derek was when he came to live with us and he can see through many of her "annoying attention seeking behaviors". In some ways this has been positive as it has been a springboard for him exploring some of these issues in therapy. We have continued to love him, remind him how far he has come and encourage him to keep climbing.

We've enjoyed getting to know Derek's new girlfriend Lucy Camden. Lucy is a freshman psychology and religious studies major at Pembroke College and an avid billiards fan so we're sure she'll fit into the family just fine. A native of California this will be Lucy's first northeast Christmas but she's a quick study who has already mastered the art of snowman building and is looking forward to our upcoming tree expedition.

Kristin is enjoying marriage and medicine. This fall she was recognized with the AMA's Humanistic Physician Award. In typical modest fashion we would have never known about this honor if her mother, as a prior recipient, didn't receive a list of this years designees. She and her husband Paul will hopefully be having our first grandchild in mid March. This has been a difficult pregnancy because of Kristin's existing health problems but the baby is doing very well and she tells us she doesn't feel that badly. ( Which I'll admit is not completely reassuring.) We'll enjoy having her home this month even though she will be working at the hospital here (and hopefully not once again swapping pagers with her mom at the breakfast table). Our prayers are with Kristin and Paul as they get through this both wonderful and scary time.

Danielle continues with Physiology at Pembroke College (our local college) and three AP courses in high school. Although she will turn thirteen in February, this is her freshman year in high school. She has enough credits, however, to graduate at the end of next year, but we are hoping to see her continue on a mixture of highschool and college courses for at least another two years. Her soccer team repeated as state champions and she was the tournament MVP, an accomplishment she was more proud of than being part of the homecoming court. She's continuing to swim and enjoyed swimming in the spring nationals which earned her a trip to an international meet in Japan, her first senior level international swimming experience. She swam very well earning a bronze in the 800m freestyle and swam the butterfly leg of the victorious USA medley relay. This summer she swam a personal best in the 800m to finish third in the olympic trials. Although she missed a spot on the team (and a trip to Australia), she's already looking forward to the spring nationals. We are so proud of the young woman she's becoming, the courage she has shown with her autoimmune disease and the compassion and support she has recently shown her brothers and sisters reminds us just exactly what this is all about.

_Kaitlin is now five (a moment she was waiting for since shortly after her fourth birthday) and a budding critical care intensivist like her mother because as she puts it chest x-rays and EKGs are cool. As she learns more about medicine and critical care specifically she may choose another path (Cynthia admits Cardiology comes to mind) and that would be wonderful too. She's still playing the oboe, and swimming on the same swim team as Danielle. Her AYSO soccer team was undefeated this fall and Kaitlin reminded me how much fun soccer could be (and how much fun life can be when seen through the eyes of a child). She's started her ski season and is determined to teach Kristin's husband how to ski. Remember what I said about our children demonstrating patience. _

I can't forget Adam . Although his life has been more stable than some of our other children Adam continues to visit frequently and was home for Thanksgiving. His support of his siblings has been appreciated by us and them. He will be taking over as pastor of the Pembroke United Methodist Church in January and we look forward to having him home again.

With reflection I think we just have to keep doing what we're doing. Cynthia and I gave up on easy years ago. Our prayers and thoughts are with you and your families. Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to just listen or to advise us over the past year. We do truly believe that with God's love all things are possible.

Keep the Faith!  
Matthew and Cynthia Stewart  
Adam, Kristin, Jenny, Derek, Laurel, Danielle, & Kaitlin

Slowly Eric set the letter down on the coffee table. He guessed he should be happy that his lost daughter seemed to have been found but her behavior hurt him deeply. Impulsively he got up and went into the kitchen.

Annie looked up from the cookies as he walked in. "Have you heard from Lucy?" she asked hopefully.

"Not directly but I think our lost daughter has been found."

"What do you mean?" Annie was scared.

"Well apparently Lucy has decided she would rather spend Christmas with her boyfriends family," Eric said tossing the letter on the counter and storming out of the kitchen.

"Lucy has a boyfriend?" Ruthie asked. Annie hadn't even heard her come down the stairs.

"Ruthie please. I just need a moment to think take your brothers upstairs please," Annie demanded sinking to the floor to read the letter.

After reading the Stewart Family Christmas Letter Annie also felt hurt at their daughters apparent rejection of their family. She started to cry and then went into the study where her husband was working on his sermon.

Eric looked up when she entered. "I think we need to go there, I think we need to see her and find out why she has done this," Annie blurted out.

"I agree. I've been looking into flights online. The problem is that I don't see anything that leaves before tomorrow night and I'm also not sure where we should fly into. It looks like they are a few hours from Philadelphia from looking at the map."

"Well I guess we could rent a van or something. I mean we'll have to bring the kids."

"I hadn't really thought about that," Eric admitted.

"Well at least the twins and Ruthie. Simon and Mary will probably have other plans I suppose. Of course PA isn't too far from NY perhaps we could stop and see Matt and Sarah on our way back." Annie suggested.

That evening over dinner they explained the plan to the kids. Surprisingly Mary and Simon were excited about the trip and the twins overjoyed about getting to fly on a plane. But when Eric called the airlines he found that the Sunday evening flight had only four seats remaining and that the flights on the 23rd and 24th were completely booked. Finally a ticket agent at United took pity on Eric and told him about a flight into Delaware that could accommodate the entire family and suggested they could drive to Philadelphia only about an hour away. They would arrive in Delaware around 2pm on the 23rd. Eric thought it sounded perfect and called ahead to the Delaware Airport to reserve a ten passenger minivan that he figured could accommodate the eight of them. Then he set to work packing madly as they needed to leave for the airport immediately following church.


	25. Chapter 25

_Ok I admit I'm kind of losing motivation to post updates on this story. Even a few reviews with some constructive criticism would probably prompt me to update a lot faster. Alas it's probably not going to happen is it? Oh well Merry Christmas to all!_

* * *

Of course on Sunday they were delayed leaving because Simon had forgotten his luggage. He had been certain Robbie was loading it into the station wagon. But finally they were on the plane, and eventually in the air. Eric and Annie sat in the center aisle which had four seats abreast with the twins in between them. While Simon and Robbie were on the east wing of the plane and Ruthie and Mary on the west wing of the plane. Annie reached into the tote bag she had brought for juice boxes for the twins but as she got out the Sesame Street Juice--their current favorite she noticed that she had tucked the Stewarts Christmas letter in the outside flap. She opened the letter again and began to read. She was struck by the paragraph about Laurel, and overwhelmed by their compassion. Their other children seemed accomplished and successful. Not usually the type of people she pictured Lucy befriending. She refolded the letter and tucked it back into the tote bag and then reclined back in her seat. She had been up most of the night packing and doing laundry and their home still looked like a cyclone had gone through. Fortunately their neighbors had agreed to keep their dog "Happy" as there wasn't time to arrange a kennel.

It was five pm local time when they landed in Springfield, MO. Eric's great itinerary unfortunately required them finding overnight accommodations. For convenience they decided to stay at the Holiday Inn at the Airport and once the family had settled in their three consecutive rooms they met down in the attached Denny's for dinner. Dinner was the typical debacle it often can be when eating out with small children, especially if the service is poor so you are waiting forever as was the case on the Sunday before Christmas. After dinner Eric and Annie adjourned to their room to attempt to get the boys settled in for the night as it would be an early morning.

In Ruthie and Mary's room Ruthie lay sprawled across one of the double beds on her stomach channel surfing. She actually was enjoying the trip so far, it was her first time flying that she could remember although her mother assured her they had gone out to see her grandparents the summer she was two and she had been on a plane then. Staying at a hotel was fun too she decided. Across the room Mary was gathering up her coat and heading for the door. "Where are you going?" Ruthie called.

"Out, and you can't come!" Mary added as an afterthought.

Ruthie scowled at the closed door, Mary didn't have to be so mean about it. Couldn't her sisters see that she was trying to grow up as fast as she could. She thought back to the last conversation she and Lucy had. Lucy had been complaining about being fat and Ruthie had told her that she was too thin, she had thought it would make Lucy feel better and she had heard some people talking about that at church over the summer. But it had been the wrong thing and Lucy had spent the next twenty minutes refuting Ruthie's statement and Ruthie had tired of the conversation and then Lucy got cross and then she had stopped calling. Ruthie secretly wondered if it was her fault.

Outside the hotel Mary lit her cannabis and inhaled deeply. She had been waiting the whole day for the opportunity to escape the rest of the family. She couldn't believe she had agreed to come along on the trip all because oversensitive Lucy was having yet another of her temper tantrums. Mary shuddered finished her joint and then went back into the hotel.

Ruthie was already in bed when she returned and Mary got ready for bed in the bathroom and then crawled into the opposite bed. "Mary?" Ruthie whispered.

"What?" Mary asked crossly

"Do you think Lucy is ok?"

"Lucy is fine. She's just having another one of those moments where she's realizing the world doesn't completely revolve around her. It's hard but she'll get over it." Mary said and then pulled the pillow over her face and went to sleep.

In Simon and Robbie's room the boys were also not asleep. "Something is wrong I can feel it." Simon said.

"What do you mean?" Robbie asked.

"I don't know it's just a feeling I have. I think this trip will change things forever." Simon said.

"You're being melodramatic man. Go to sleep!" Robbie said pelting his spare pillow at Simon.

In the morning none of the kids wanted to get up and of course it took longer to repack everything and once again the Camdens were racing through the airport late for their flight. However they got to the gate just as final boarding was being called and then clomped aboard the plane. But eventually once again they were in the air.

The flight was Annie supposed as uneventful as could have been expected. Traveling with twin almost five year olds was just not a calm thing. Sam screamed during takeoff. David screamed during landing. And of course there was the moment when they chased each other down the main aisle of the cabin and ended up causing a stewardess to dump her tray of drinks onto some poor bald guy.

Annie was glad when they were finally in the minivan on their way. Of course the kids were starving as they had only been served a snack, as Robbie put it , not a real lunch on the plane so they stopped at a subway for sandwiches to go. As they cruised along I-95 Annie found herself drifting off to sleep in spite of the commotion in the back of the van. Ruthie and Mary were squabbling over who got the extra sandwich. Sam and David were discussing Veggie Tales.

When Annie awoke it was getting dark and they were still on a highway somewhere. Eric glanced over and saw she was awake, "You must have been exhausted you slept through me pulling over twice to settle the boys skirmishes,".

Annie wondered if he had expected her to be the referee. She realized that was her typical role in the family and she was sick of it. Just then the boys began clamoring from the back "Hungry, Hungry"

"Yeah I'm starving!" Ruthie added in.

Annie looked at the clock on the console which said it was 6pm so they had been on the road for about three hours she had thought they would be there by then. She was anxious about seeing Lucy. Grimacing Eric pulled off the highway at the next rest area which had a McDonald's. "I guess we need gas anyway," he admitted but Annie didn't notice his brow unfurl any. She had noticed a sign that said they were forty miles from Pembroke just before they pulled off the highway so she anticipated at least another hour or so and that would be unpleasant if the boys were cranky.

They ate quickly and got back on the road. Finally Annie saw the first exit for Pembroke. "Eric, I think it's this exit."

"Well there are two exits how should I know which one to take?" Eric said proceeding on past the first exit. Well because I used their address and mapquest said to take the first exit Annie thought but she didn't say that aloud. Her husband's lack of rational thought perturbed her at times. She wondered if he was planning on just driving around until they spotted Lucy on the street or something. She decided to not ask him that either.

Eric took the exit off of the highway and found himself on FEDERAL AVE. near the EXECUTIVE PARK OFFICE COMPLEX. He proceeded along passed through a covered bridge which the twins of course thought was incredibly cool and then proceeded along Rte 372 past signs that welcomed him to the town of Deering. "I think we should have taken the first exit." Annie suggested.

"Well how was I supposed to know? Well lets see if there is somewhere we can stop and ask for directions." Eric said.

"You go Reverend Camden! Real men do ask for directions." Robbie quipped.

"That was so not even funny!" Mary and Ruthie said practically in unison.

"So not even funny, so not even funny" the twins mimicked.

"Arrrrrrrrrgh!" Simon screamed replacing his earphones and trying to drown out the rest of the family as the minivan continued to cruise west.

"Now we're in Harrison." Ruthie observed reading road signs.

"Harrison, Harrison" the twins echoed.

Eric felt his blood pressure rising. Why couldn't anything be simple? He looked down at the fuel gauge and realized they were running low on fuel and chided himself for not filling the tank when they had stopped at the rest area but the prices had been ridiculous. He took a deep breath and looked back up as he heard Ruthie scream "Daddy" just in time to see a large white animal scamper out of the path of their vehicle.

"What was that?" Ruthie asked.

"I think it was a cow dear." Annie said

"Good going dad. Hit a cow why don't you?" Simon yelled

"Hit a cow Hit a cow" the twins chorused.

"Now if he were to hit a cow would that be worse than having a cow?" Mary wondered sending her siblings into gales of laughter. Eric however was not amused. Nothing about the trip was going as he had planned. He wasn't exactly sure how he had planned but that was another matter.

He pulled the van over the side of the road and when he turned to face the children Ruthie would later swear that there was still steam coming out of his ears. Just as Eric was about to explode he noticed a rap on his window and turned to see a farmer or what he assumed was a farmer standing by their van.

"Are you and your nice family alright sir? I'm really sorry about that I guess we had a little break in the fence and we had just about gotten all the animals back in. Mary always was the stubborn one of the bunch. Again I'm sorry about that."

"You can say that again!" Simon smirked causing Ruthie and Robbie to stifle laughs. Mary bopped Simon on the head with her magazine.

"You can say that again. You can say that again." the twins chorused.

"Yes we're fine. Thank you" Eric said with all of the restraint he could muster. "Actually maybe you could help us. We're looking for the Stewart residence, and uh a gas station"

"Well the Stewart farm is just up the road then turn left go over the Prescott Bridge and you're there. There is a gas station just a little further up the road too but it usually closes at 6:30 and it's after 7 now. No matter Kurt is a good man I'm sure he'll take right care of you and let you fill up at their tank. God Bless and a Merry Christmas to you."

Eric pulled back onto the road and followed the directions until he reached a tidy farmstead with a large white farmhouse with red shutters and freshly painted red barns. On the barn nearest the road was covered with a large pine wreath lit with white lights and as Eric pulled into the driveway. They were greeted by a yellow Labrador retriever.

"Don't hit the dog dad!" all the kids joked. Again Eric was not amused. He put the van in park and glanced at Annie. It was there the moment they had been wondering about for months. Finally they would get to see their daughter and possibly have some kind of explanation. But suddenly Eric was unready for that conversation.

"Well are we going in or not?" Simon asked crossly.

"Yeah I'm cold." Ruthie whined as a man appeared on the porch of the farmhouse.

With trepidation Eric got out of the van and walked up to the porch. Kurt extended his hand, "I'm Kurt Stewart, how can I help you?"

"Eric Camden, Reverend Eric Camden. I was looking for my daughter Lucy."

"Oh you're Lucy's dad. It's nice to meet you. I'm Derek's grandfather. I thought Lucy said you were from California."

"Yes we are. I'm a pastor at the Glen Oaks Community Church, but we came out here to spend the holidays with our daughter."

"Of course. Well did Lucy and Derek tell you they were coming out here. Derek has never been much of the farm type. I guess you can't help but be accustomed to how you were raised and Derek grew up in Philadelphia at least until they took him away from his mother."

"So you're saying Lucy isn't here." Eric really wasn't thinking clearly.

"No, but I'm sure she's fine. She's probably at Matt and Cynthia's now I could call and make sure." Kurt offered as Theresa Stewart appeared on the porch.

"Honey why don't you invite this nice gentleman in. It's cold outside."

"Actually could you just give me directions to your son's house Mr. Stewart. I think we must have had a little miscommunication." Eric suggested stomping his feet in the cold.

"I can do even better than that why don't you follow us we were heading over to the mall anyway. Kati, that's our youngest granddaughter she finally decided what she wants for Christmas so we thought we'd go grab it tonight before the absolute last minute rush tomorrow."

"Finally narrowed down her list a little?" Eric asked remembering the lists the twins had made that were longer than they were.

"No, we seem to have the same problem we've had with her older sisters they get all caught up in the holiday party at the hospital where their mom works and buying gifts for the kids who have to be in the hospital over the holidays. They seem to forget what they might want. Anyway its almost 730 we better let you get on your way."

Eric got back into the van and started to follow the Stewarts out of their own driveway. "Gas dad!!!!!!!!!!" Ruthie screamed. She had been in the car several times when her father had run out of gas and none of those were pleasant experiences.

Eric honked the horn and put the van back in park. Alarmed Kurt also stopped in the driveway and jumped from the truck. "Everything ok?"

"I'll need a gas station before we get too far."

"Oh we can take care of that just follow me." Kurt said hopping back in the truck and pulling over towards the edge of the driveway by a gas tank where he instructed Eric to fill up.

"Wow they have their own gas tank. That's cool" Ruthie observed.

"What's so cool about it?" Mary asked. The trip was turning into one giant bore. She was missing a really cool party for nothing.


	26. Chapter 26

_Warning, if you're a huge Mary fan don't hate me. Like her sister she has chosen some pretty unhealthy coping strategies of her own. I'm actually open to suggestions on how to help her and their entire family turn things around. I'm also realistic enough to realize that things will not likely be miraculously fixed by New Year's Eve. Yes things will get worse before they get better. Life often works that way._

* * *

It was around eight when Kurt guided them back into Pembroke on Federal Avenue and led them past Memorial Cemetery and along the south side of the town square. He turned right on Main Street and then Left on Lilac Drive and led them down a winding road that curved by a snow covered park all lit for the Christmas season. They passed large homes with expansive lawns and finally stopped at a huge colonial atop a rolling hill. The evergreens on the lawn were lit with white lights and electric candles lit all the windows and the lights lining the driveway and the shoveled paths made the snow glisten. Kurt stopped in the driveway and came back around to the van. "The driveway winds all the way around so I'm going to just go out the other side but just park up at the top of the driveway near the front door and you can get the kids unloaded there. Have a good night, I'm sure we'll be seeing you later in the week."

Eric did as Kurt suggested but once again he was paralyzed outside the door. He looked at Annie again. "I have to go." David cried interrupting his thoughts.

Eric gave up, "Come on let's go!" he said getting out of the van.

The whole family congregated on the Stewart's front porch as Eric rang the doorbell. Inside the house Matt heard the doorbell from his study where he was working on a lecture for the addictions course he would be coordinating in the spring. He got up quickly not wanting the doorbell to awaken Kati who had finally fallen asleep with a migraine perhaps five minutes earlier.

Just as he entered the hall he heard the doorbell peel quickly two more times. He was about to get irritated until he saw the two adorable towheads on his front porch. He opened the door to catch the end of their father's admonishment. "But daddy, I have to potty!" David cried again his explanation for the doorbell pounding.

"Good evening. I'm Matthew Stewart and young man our bathroom is right this way." Matt said good naturedly leading the child to the powder room behind the formal front staircase. Once the twins and Annie had disappeared into the bathroom he returned to the front hall where the a man perhaps in his early fifties and four more children probably all between ten and twenty Matt presumed stood.

"I'm sorry about that," Eric offered a hasty explanation.

"It's not a problem. Trust me I've been in your shoes several times, at that age when they have to go they have to go; and usually you are nowhere near a bathroom at those moments either." Matt offered with a smile as he waited for further explanation of who they were or why they had shown up on his doorstep. But none was offered and he began to wonder if perhaps they had just been in the neighborhood and needed a bathroom. He found that unlikely though.

Just then Annie and the twins came out of the bathroom and back into the front of the hall. Sam looked up at his father and earnestly said, "Ok daddy let's go get Lucy and make a run for it!"

Eric flushed, and Matt smiled a little. "I'm sorry I should have noticed the resemblance you must be Lucy's parents. She didn't tell me you would be able to join us for the holidays but it's a wonderful surprise. I'm sorry my Cynthia is not home to welcome you but she had to return to the hospital to put in a central line." Matt said extending his hand to Eric and Annie who took it in dazed fashion.

"What's a central line?" Ruthie asked inquisitively.

"A special IV basically and if you want more information you'll have to wait until Cynthia returns. You can hang your coats in this closet here and then make yourselves comfortable in the living room," Matt said gesturing. "I'll go find Lucy for you." Matt offered.

"Thank you but we won't be staying. We've merely come to pick up Lucy I'm sure we'll find a nice hotel."

"Well the Westin Hotel on the Palmira River is very nice but I think they're booked through the holiday season and then there is an Econo Lodge out on Tower Road by the Department of Public Works but they fill up fast this time of year. And then out towards Millertown there might be some other options. Why don't you just stay with us. We have plenty of room and you're Lucy's family so we'd like you to stay."

Meanwhile upstairs in the library where she had been playing trivial pursuit with Derek, Kristin, and Danielle Lucy heard the entire conversation and shuddered. She couldn't imagine her parents had come all the way across the country to find her and she was scared about what would happen next. Well maybe it would be ok if Mary wasn't there she decided. But then she heard Mary's voice lilt up the staircase and knew it was all over.

Instinctively she turned to Derek and buried her head. "Luce, it's ok." Derek said gently.

"Please don't make me explain why but I just can't go with them."

"It's ok you don't have to go anywhere." Derek said but by that time Lucy was crying uncontrollably and Derek led her away and through the library to the east hallway leading to the children's rooms.

Kristin and Danielle exchanged uncomfortable looks as they started to put away the game as their father came up the stairs. "Have you seen Lucy?" he asked brightly.

"I think she went to bed. She was upset I think to hear that her parents were here," Kristin whispered to her father. She didn't want to hurt the Camden's feelings but from what Lucy had told her she could understand her discomfort.

Meanwhile Eric was using one of the Stewart's cordless phones to frantically search for lodging for the family. When Matt came downstairs again after a fifteen minute conversation with Derek and Lucy Eric was still calling. Finally he shouted "Score baby! I found us a room!"

"Where is it?" Matt asked wondering if the Camdens would be staying within the state.

"In Massi--12th & Pike. Annie write down the address"

As Annie fumbled in her purse for a pen Matt handed her one from the stationary drawer in the hall table and then interjected, "Eric, Massi is practically an hour from here and 12th street is a rather notorious neighborhood. I really wouldn't feel comfortable sending your family there to stay. Please stay with us I assure you it's alright. Lucy was falling asleep when I went upstairs. I think she's still catching up on sleep after her finals. Why don't you stay with us at least tonight? We can all start fresh in the morning." Matt suggested.

Reluctantly Eric agreed and Matt went to work getting everyone settled for the night. It was decided that Annie and Eric would stay in the west wing in one of the guest suites there. Sam and David could sleep on the pull out couch in their suite. He offered Robbie and Simon the remaining guestrooms in the children's wing with their own bathroom and put Ruthie in the empty room next door to Kati and across the hall from Laurel. He was getting ready to send Mary over to an open suite in the west wing when she offered to share with Ruthie perhaps they had a cot she had wondered when Matt remembered that that room had a trundle bed and he pulled that out and made it up for one of the girls. He was touched that they wanted to share a room, it reminded him of the way his own daughters watched out for each other. He didn't realize Mary thought it would be easier to sneak out of a wing her parents weren't sleeping in.

After introducing Lucy's siblings to Kristin, Danielle, and Derek Matt went back downstairs to help Eric finish unloading everyone's stuff from the van. Trying to be hospitable Danielle invited everyone downstairs for some ice cream. Robbie, Simon, and Ruthie all followed her downstairs but Mary declined and pretended to be busy setting up the beds in the room she and Ruthie would share.

As they sat at the breakfast bar Ruthie looked out through the french doors onto the side patio. "Wow you have a huge pool!" Ruthie was impressed.

"What's the point of having a pool if you can't swim in it year round?" Simon challenged.

"Oh we can. We just swim in our indoor pool this time of year."

"Your indoor pool?" Ruthie's eyes widened.

"Sure...come on I'll show you."

As Danielle led them down to the ground level of the Stewart home Kristin went back into Lucy's room. "They aren't gone are they?" Lucy asked her voice quivering.

"Actually I think they are staying for the Holidays. Apparently your dad didn't realize that it is pretty impossible to find rooms during the holiday season." Kristin explained.

"That isn't surprising. Practicality is not a Camden strength."

"Well it's probably more comfortable for you to be here."

"Not if Mary's here."

"Well she is. She and Ruthie are staying down the hall and Simon and Robbie are in the two guest rooms across the hall. I think my dad was trying to avoid them having to share a bathroom with Kati or Laurel"

"Yeah they can be slobs," Lucy cracked a smile. "Wait did you say Ruthie and Mary are sharing a room? They can't! NO! Ruthie can stay with me if she wants."

"Why don't you suggest that. Just say you miss her and wonder if she would stay with you." Kristin suggested.

"Good idea." Lucy agreed.

Lucy went down to the ground level where Ruthie, Robbie, and Simon were admiring the indoor pool and Jacuzzi set up. "Hi guys!" she said shyly.

Her siblings turned to the sound of her voice and then ran to her and hugged her. Danielle smiled, she was sure she had no clue what was really going on with Lucy but she knew that a hug from Kristin or Kati was often all it took to make her day.

When Lucy finally came up for air Ruthie and Simon both spoke at once telling her how much they had missed her and Lucy listened happily remembering how much she loved them both. Danielle had taken Robbie to check out their home gym which had both nautilus and free weights. "Wow this is amazing!!"

"Yeah it's cool I do a lot of my weight training for swimming and skiing at home."

"What do you swim?"

"Butterfly and distance events. My coach is trying to make me an IM specialist?"

"IM?"

"Individual medley---its a 400m race with breast stroke, butterfly, backstroke, and freestyle. Do you swim?"

"Oh no, not like on a team or anything."

"It's my favorite sport I think, and it's great because you can do it forever. My mom swims in master's meets now." Danielle said leading Robbie around a loop back behind the stairs and into their rec room.

"Wow is there anything this place doesn't have?" Robbie asked as he looked from the pool table to the large screen TV and finally focused on the bar. He gravitated in that direction not really planning on drinking merely curious. He was surprised to see that there wasn't any alcohol and the only taps seemed to be soda. "Do your parents just stock this for parties or something?"

"Actually they don't really stock it for anything. It's more like a buffet/ soda fountain. My parents don't drink."

"Oh" Robbie said just as Lucy came back in with Ruthie and Simon.

"Ruthie and I are going to bed," Lucy announced taking Ruthie's hands and pulling her towards the stairs.

" 'Night" Ruthie called as she happily followed her sister. It was so good to see Lucy, it was almost like old times.

"Suit yourself" was Mary's comment when Ruthie came in and got her suitcase and pillow and explained she would sleep in Lucy's room. It wasn't like she really wanted to sleep with Ruthie she thought Duh!.


	27. Chapter 27

Back downstairs Simon asked, "Hey do you think we could go swimming?"

"I'd have to ask my parents. But not for too long if they say yes because I have to get up in the morning for swim practice and it's already after 8:30"

"Swim practice on Christmas Eve?" Simon asked.

"Yes! I pretty much swim every morning at four am. I'm usually in bed by eight or nine though but during vacation sometimes I stay up a little later and just take a nap during the day. Come on I'll ask my parents about swimming." Danielle said darting up the stairs.

Robbie and Simon trailed her. "Do you even have a suit with you man?" Robbie asked.

"Actually yes. I come prepared"

Danielle found her dad helping Adam bring in his gifts from the car. She hugged her brother and then caught several packages that were about to topple out of the top of his box. Noting that they were gifts for her grandparents she slid them under the tree in the living room which is where they usually put gifts for friends or not immediate family and some of the kids big presents. Most of the kids gifts went under the tree upstairs in the conservatory, and it was usually that fireplace where they hung their stockings, although sometimes they would hang their stockings on the fireplace in the parlor, and even over the fireplace in the upstairs parlor in their East Wing. Danielle thought maybe they had done that once. There was a fourth tree in the ballroom where her parents would put their epiphany gifts wrapped in gold and silver paper so they looked festive for their New Years Eve Party. The tradition in their family was that they did the Christmas lights on the first Sunday of Advent and left them up through the winter solstice. At that time they also did all of the wreaths and other decorations except for the Christmas trees. The four Christmas trees were put up on December 23rd and then officially decorated on Christmas Eve. Then they could stay up until Epiphany.

"Dad, can Simon and Robbie go swimming?" Danielle asked.

"Who are Simon and Robbie?" Adam asked.

"Lucy's brothers who are visiting us for the Holidays. Yes they may go swimming but not alone." Matt answered and Adam sensed to not ask why Lucy's brothers were visiting.

"I was going to go with them. Don't worry I promise to be in bed by ten!" Danielle said giving her father a quick kiss on the cheek before dashing upstairs to give Robbie and Simon the good news.

Later Danielle, Simon, and Robbie (in a borrowed pair of Derek's trunks) were in the pool not so much swimming but more treading water and tossing a few inflated beach balls back and forth. "So you're from California?" Danielle asked

"Yes Glen Oaks, it's near San Diego." Simon explained.

"Oh ok, I thought it sounded familiar. I had a swim meet there a year ago and we went to the San Diego Zoo afterward. That was fun, the panda exhibit was awesome even though I am more of a dolphin fan myself."

"Personally I'm into Aardvarks." Simon said.

"Aardvarks? I guess they could grow on you. Not literally of course" Danielle giggled.

Back upstairs Mary was lying on the bed in the spare room listening to a CD. She was debating if she could get away with smoking a joint in the bathroom if she burned one of her candles at the same time. It was cold outside and it looked like there were fresh snowflakes falling. Just then there was a knock on the door. She figured Ruthie had probably changed her mind once she remembered that Lucy snored. "Change your mind?" she sneered.

"Mary it's Kristin, Derek's sister. May I come in?"

'Woops' Mary thought but she got up and answered the door anyway.

Kristin was polite initially asking Mary how their trip had been but then after Mary had yawned rudely three times she finally said. "Perhaps I should get to the point."

"So there is there a point?" Mary wondered aloud, cracking her gum.

"Let's just say I know about your problems. Lucy told me about the marijuana and alcohol. You can get help."

"Whatever!" Mary shrugged.

"I guess it kind of is whatever. Whatever you choose to do at this crossroads in your life is just that your choice. But you also have to recognize that your choices can affect others. As long as you stay in this house I refuse to let your poor choices adversely affect my siblings. As I see it you have two choices. You can let me search your luggage and every inch of this room and anything I find I get to destroy or I suppose I can share my concerns with our parents. You see it really is all about choices."

Mary's head spun, and to think Kristin looked sweet. Whoa! Later as she watched Kristin flush three joints, two bags of pot and a pint of vodka she realized Kristin had found it all and she shuddered. So much for her festive holiday season.

Kristin was going triumphantly back to her own room as Danielle came upstairs, trailed by Simon and Robbie. "Goodnight" she called over her shoulder.

"Goodnight!" Danielle returned. "I'll see you guys in the morning." she said to Robbie and Simon and then went into her own room and shut the door.

"You can put your tongue back in your mouth," Robbie said to Simon as they walked down the hall.

"Don't you think she's cute?" Simon asked.

"Cute isn't really the word. She's more the beautiful type and yes she's attractive but she's also twelve so it's all you."

As Simon fell asleep that night he thought about Danielle but concern for Lucy intruded into his fantasies. Lucy had always been tiny and slender but she seemed thinner he worried about that. Simon was still tossing and turning when he heard Danielle get up for swim practice. He could hear her hushed but melodic voice talking to someone else, someone who sounded much younger. He opened his door and poked his head out to see Danielle and a small child standing towards the end of the hallway where it appeared that both were tying their sneakers before heading downstairs. "Oh sorry Simon. We'll be more quiet." Danielle apologized in a whisper. 

"Yes Sorry Simon" Kati whispered. Then she turned to Danielle, "Who is Simon?"

"Simon is Lucy's brother. He is visiting us for the holidays. Come on lets go to practice I'll introduce you to Lucy's other siblings when we come home." Danielle explained taking her sister's hand and they started down the stairs.

Cynthia was waiting for the girls in the kitchen. "Good morning!" she began brightly.

"Good morning mommy!" Kati said.

As Danielle and Kati followed their mother down the driveway to the garage Kati asked, "Did you know that Lucy had a brother named Simon?"

"Yes, your father mentioned that last night. The Camdens will likely be with us for the Holidays so we should try to be considerate and welcoming. I think Lucy's youngest brothers are about your age Kati."

"Yay! Usually everyone has friends who are older than me." Kati said walking into the garage.

They arrived at the Health Club where Kati and Danielle joined the rest of the club swim team and Cynthia began some laps in one of the outside lanes. After her swim she would head to the hospital and Kristin would be coming later to teach a water aerobics class in the other pool and would bring the girls home. She and Matt had enjoyed that convenience while Kristin had been home she realized as she swam. She quickened her pace after a few easy laps and allowed her mind to drift from patient cases to Christmas shopping and finally to the unexpected arrival of the Camden family and Matt's description of Lucy's reaction.

She had sensed a problem initially in the hospital when Lucy was so adamant that her parents not know about her illness. After Lucy had come to live with them she had been dubious that Lucy was really communicating as much with her parents as she had tried to lead them to believe. Additionally she had found Lucy's desire to stay with them for the Holidays a bit suspicious. But it was what Matt had described that concerned her most. According to Matt when Lucy realized her parents had arrived and wanted her to go with them for the holidays she began trembling and crying. When she had started to press him for more details he had finally said Lucy's reaction reminded him of their adopted daughter Bethany which Cynthia found concerning since Bethany's biological parents had beaten their children routinely with the last event proving fatal for Bethany's younger brother. She couldn't really believe the Camdens could have possibly been as savage as Bethany's biological parents but at the same time she was concerned.

Meanwhile in one of the guest suites in the west wing Eric awoke to the voices of the twins and the sounds of running water. Still exhausted from the trip he was about to roll over and go back to sleep when he realized that the twins and running water was not a good combination. Sleepily he stumbled into the bathroom in their suite which boasted one of those large garden style tubs. It was then that he noticed that Sam and David had filled the tub to overflowing and were busily adding more bath toys causing more water to be displaced onto the floor.

"Boys stop!" Eric hollered reaching over and turning off the tap. His scream was enough to wake Annie who came stumbling sleepily into the bathroom where she took one look from Eric to the inch of water on the floor to her sons.

Eric was trying to figure out where the drain release on the tub was and Annie pointed it out to him and they both set to wiping up the mess. It really wasn't as bad as some of the things the boys had done to their house, but of course it wasn't their house and that made them uncomfortable.

As Eric mopped he thought of Lucy dragging them all this way, and of course she was probably happily sleeping. His anger rose again, reaching a new crescendo. Eventually the bathroom floor was essentially dry. Eric looked at his watch, it was almost four am well really he supposed almost seven am in Pennsylvania time. Eric didn't see much point in going back to sleep, after all he needed to find a hotel for the family before nightfall as he was not spending another night in the Stewart mansion. However when he looked over he saw that both of the boys were fast asleep on the pullout couch.

Annie was climbing back into bed and considered doing the same. "Come back to bed Eric!" Annie called and reluctantly he joined her.

"I should really start calling and see if I can find us a hotel for tonight," he said.

"Eric if you couldn't find a room for last night I doubt you'll find one for Christmas Eve."

"Ok well do you have a better idea?" Eric asked somewhat defiantly.

"Well maybe we should just accept the Stewart's gracious hospitality," Annie suggested.

"Annie I'm not interested in spending Christmas with a bunch of wealthy snobs. As soon as Lucy and the other kids are awake we are on the road again."

"You'd really rather spend Christmas in a hotel than with your daughter's boyfriend's family?" Annie questioned.

"Yes I think I would." Eric was adamant.

In the east wing of the second floor Ruthie yawned and stretched and glanced around the unfamiliar room then she turned and saw Lucy curled up on the other side of the bed and remembered where she was. Ruthie smiled remembering the conversation she and Lucy had the night before as they were falling asleep. Lucy had told her about Derek and why she loved him which had surprised Ruthie since Lucy had always shared that kind of stuff with Mary before. Lucy stirred in her sleep and then sat upright in bed startled for a moment. She took a deep breath remembering Ruthie was in the room.

"Did you sleep well?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah this bed is really comfortable."

"Yes, its a water mattress." Lucy explained.

"But it doesn't feel like a water bed."

"No, there is a difference. This type of bed still has a box spring but the cushioning is like a water-gel rather than the normal cotton."

"Oh." Ruthie said. She was uncertain what else to say, the Stewart house had all kinds of cool things.

Just then there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" Lucy asked.

"It's Simon. May I come in?"

"Sure!" Lucy called and the door opened and in came Simon.

"You're up early." Lucy said. It was only 7:25 and she'd never known Simon to be an early riser.

"I really couldn't sleep, eventually I just gave up." Simon explained.

Lucy could relate although she wasn't ready to explain that to Simon or Ruthie. Instead she said, "Well you're in luck because they eat breakfast pretty early here."

Simon then left so Ruthie and Lucy could get dressed and as they were dressing Ruthie told Lucy about their trip and how their father had almost hit a cow.

"Was the cow ok?" Lucy asked.

"The cow was fine."

"That would have been funny then."

"Have you ever been to their farm? I've never seen a cow up really close that might be kind of fun."

"I haven't been there. If you really wanted to go we could probably arrange it."

"Really? Wow that would be cool. Lynn is going to be so jealous."

"Lynn Hamilton?" Lucy inquired.

"Yes, she's still my best friend. She was having a New Years Eve Party this year and I was going to go but now we won't be home. Dad couldn't get flights back until January 3rd. But it's ok, I can sleep over at Lynn's anytime I'm glad we're getting to visit you now."

Lucy was touched. If only she could send her parents and Mary away and have Ruthie and Simon stay. Or maybe if she could just send Mary away. Simon was knocking on the door again, anxious to come in and Lucy opened it just in time to see Kristin, Danielle, and Kati coming up the stairs after swim practice.

"How old is Danielle?" Simon asked.

"Twelve, why? Are you interested in Danielle?" Lucy asked.

"I was just curious. Robbie said she was twelve but she looks older." Simon said blushing.

"Well this is one instance where Robbie is actually right. She'll be thirteen in February."

"Ok," Simon said.

Later they sat down to breakfast homemade omelets, pancakes, and Danielle and Kati's selection of juice of the day which happened to be strawberry peach. Annie poured Sam and David's juice into their sippy cups she didn't want to take any chances. Ruthie and Simon were very impressed with breakfast, it was almost like going out for breakfast and even Robbie and Mary agreed it was a good meal.


	28. Chapter 28

After breakfast Matt went to the hospital to collect Jenny who was being discharged and everyone else started working on decorating the four Christmas trees in the house. Well everyone except Mary who claimed she had Christmas gifts to wrap.

Annie was trying to coral the boys and keep them from destroying the Stewart living room while Cynthia, Kati and Kristin worked on the angel themed tree for the living room. The tree was starting to take shape and full of peach and rose ribbons, that matched the color scheme in the room, and angels. It looked like it came out of a magazine Annie realized as she pried David away from the piano he had been banging on and then dragged Samuel out of the fireplace he had been trying to climb into. "I was looking for Santa," he had tried to explain.

"The tree is beautiful, your whole house is beautiful." Annie gushed.

"We usually pick a different theme every year for the tree in the living room or parlor. This year the color scheme of the design matched this room perfectly so we decided to put the tree up in here." Cynthia explained as she started to beep.

Kati giggled and Kristin gave her mother an empathetic and compassionate glance. "Excuse me a moment I need to return this page."

Kristin and Kati continued working on the tree and Annie continued chasing the twins. A few minutes later Cynthia returned, " I do need to go back to the hospital. I don't think this should be too long I have an infant with cystic fibrosis that needs a sepsis workup and the ED physician was unable to get the tap so I need to give that a try."

"Bye mommy!" Kati called cheerfully.

"Bye sweetheart I'll be back soon I hope." Cynthia called over her shoulder.

After Cynthia had left Annie said, "It must have been hard growing up with a mom who was always working. Our oldest son is in medical school and unfortunately his wife is as well. I'm really hoping that she'll realize that medicine and motherhood don't work well. We know that Matt really wants children."

"Actually I've always known my mom would be there when I needed her and I don't anticipate that changing. I agree it's a challenge to be a physician and a parent but I don't believe the two are mutually exclusive."

"Well it's different if it's the father who is a doctor. But when it's the mother then you have to wonder who is raising the children."

"Probably both parents are in that situation which I think is better anyway. I am thankful for the relationships I have with both of my parents, perhaps my dad and I have a strong relationship because of my mother's career or perhaps just because he is a wonderful father. I suppose this a point we'll have to agree to disagree on Mrs. Camden." Kristin said tying a final peach bow onto the tree.

"I'm not sure that women were meant to be doctors. It can be very emotionally draining I'm sure." Annie continued unaware.

"It can be, but it can be rewarding at the same time and my parents taught me that my job was to identify the gifts God gave me and use them to make the world a better place. I think medicine is one of my gifts. I enjoy it and I do make a difference sometimes."

"You're a doctor?"

"Yes I finished medical school almost two years ago and am doing my EM residency now. I'm also looking forward to being a mother, our first daughter is due in February and I know it will be hard but one of the things my parents have shown me is that I don't have to do it alone. I have a very supportive husband who will be a wonderful dad." Kristin finished as her brother Adam came in the room carrying a ladder so they could place the top angel on the tree.

That was when Annie remembered the part of the letter she had read about Kristin and she felt embarrassed. She watched Adam helping Kati up the ladder to place the angel topper on the tree and remembered when Lucy had been that age. She had been hoping to talk to Lucy but she had quickly volunteered to trim the Christmas tree in the upstairs east wing and gone off with Derek, and Ruthie to do that. Eric had looked angry but he had merely started calling around for hotels again. Annie didn't want to leave without Lucy though, she hadn't come all the way across the country to be rejected again by her daughter.

Meanwhile upstairs Ruthie, Derek, and Lucy had finished their tree as well. The tree in the conservatory was the one where the children hung their special ornaments that they had accumulated over the years and ones they had made. As they had worked Derek had entertained Lucy with some of the stories behind the ornaments. Ruthie was anxious to see the other trees and had gone rushing downstairs to do that leaving Lucy and Derek alone. Derek led Lucy over to the couch and they sat down together. "How are you doing?" Derek asked stroking her cheek.

"I'm ok."

"Really? You seemed pretty scared last night."

"I can't explain Derek. Not right now I'm trying to but I just can't." Lucy said new tears beginning to glisten.

"Hey, hey, hey it's alright. We'll talk when you're ready." Derek said hugging her gently and feeling her relax into his embrace.

"Just one question Lucy. Do your parents know at all about your eating disorder?"

"No, and I don't want them to. I need to know I can trust them before I tell them." Lucy said the tears reappearing.

"Ok, I just wanted to know so I didn't say the wrong thing." Derek reassured her and they kissed unaware that Ruthie had come back upstairs and heard every word of their conversation.

Ruthie was confused and concerned by what she had heard. She wasn't really sure what an eating disorder was but she remembered that she had seen a computer in the library she wondered if the computer had internet access as she walked down the hallway that led into the library.

Ruthie sat down at the computer and was pleased to see the netscape icon which she clicked on and then she went to the ask jeeves site and from the there to an anorexia nervosa website. She read how anorexia nervosa happened when someone became very thin but didn't see they were thin. She continued to read and continued through the site to a page that listed causes for eating disorders. One paragraph stood out to her as she read:

"Some people with eating disorders say they feel smothered in overprotective families. Others feel abandoned, misunderstood, and alone. Parents who overvalue physical appearance can unwittingly contribute to an eating disorder. So can those who make critical comments, even in jest, about their children's bodies. These families tend to be overprotective, rigid, and ineffective at resolving conflict. Sometimes mothers are emotionally cool while fathers are physically or emotionally absent. At the same time, there are high expectations of achievement and success. Children learn not to disclose doubts, fears, anxieties, and imperfections. Instead they try to solve their problems by manipulating weight and food." ANRED-2002

Although she didn't want to admit it she saw how those words could apply to their family. Overprotective was definitely a word she felt came to mind and although her father supposedly had solved the problems of many teens in their church Ruthie had not seen much of that understanding flexibility with her father at home. He tended to take the "my way or the highway approach" and Ruthie remembered how she and Simon had talked about their fears of being vanquished to Buffalo as Mary had been. Shuddering Ruthie read on and found another paragraph that seemed to fit for Lucy:

"People vulnerable to eating disorders also, in most cases, are experiencing relationship problems, loneliness in particular. Some may be withdrawn with only superficial or conflicted connections to other people. Others may seem to be living exciting lives filled with friends and social activities, but later they will confess that they did not feel they really fit in, that no one seemed to really understand them, and that they had no true friends or confidants with whom they could share thoughts, feelings, doubts, insecurities, fears, hopes, ambitions, and so forth. Often they desperately want healthy connections to others but fear criticism and rejection if their perceived flaws and shortcomings become known." ANRED-2002

She thought of Lucy's multiple unsuccessful relationships and how unhappy she was when she didn't have a boyfriend. She remembered how happy Lucy had sounded as she had told her about Derek and she really hoped that Derek would be the guy to love Lucy enough to make it ok. Tears came to Ruthie's eyes as she thought the last part and realized that perhaps if she had been nicer Lucy wouldn't have developed an eating disorder. She felt bad about the times she had been unkind and even remembered with a shudder that she had told Lucy she was fat and ugly. She hadn't meant it she had just been mad but she longed to have to words back.

Meanwhile Lucy and Derek had ventured downstairs to find Ruthie. They first went through the kitchen and through the bathroom in between the kitchen and ballroom in the ballroom where Simon, Danielle, and Robbie were trimming the ballroom tree which was to be artistically decorated with all gold and silver ornaments. "Have you guys seen Ruthie?" Lucy asked.

"No I thought she was with you?" Simon shrugged.

"She was but she came downstairs to see the other trees. Maybe she is in the living room." But when they went through the double doors into the living room they didn't see anyone and the tree looked completed. "Hmm I wonder where Ruthie went." Lucy wondered aloud.

"Well I'm sure she's around here somewhere. We'll find her" Derek assured her, and Lucy was getting worried. They searched the entire first floor without success and then decided to go down to the ground floor to look down there. Lucy was beginning to worry that Ruthie was with Mary and something bad had happened.

In reality Ruthie was talking to Kristin who had come up the front stairs into the library and seen the internet page she had been viewing before Ruthie had been able to minimize it. Ruthie had looked at Kristin uncomfortably for a moment and then she noticed that her eyes were warm and knowing. It was then she decided Kristin most likely knew Lucy's secret anyway and she remembered reading in the Christmas Letter that Kristin was a doctor. Maybe Kristin could help. Finally she had blurted out, "I heard Lucy and Derek talking and I just wanted to know what an eating disorder was."

Patiently Kristin had answered her questions and tried to assure her that Lucy's illness wasn't her fault and that she was sure she was a wonderful younger sister and she knew Lucy loved her very much. They were still talking when Lucy and Derek finally came frantically up the stairs.

"Ruthie!!" Lucy rushed to her and hugged her. "Derek and I have been looking for you all over."

"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't know you were looking for me." Ruthie said as they heard the front door open and Matt's voice as he came home with Jenny.

"Come on Ruthie let's go figure out what we're wearing to church tonight," Lucy suggested and Ruthie happily joined her. She was trying to avoid Jenny and didn't want to have to see her. She realized she was being petty but she needed Derek and she worried about Jenny interfering with that.


	29. Chapter 29

Derek and Kristin went downstairs to greet their "sister". Jenny was sitting quietly in one of the chairs in their front hall summoning the strength to go upstairs. "I really feel a lot better, I'm just weak from lying in bed for 2 weeks."

Matt came back through the door with her suitcase and started to take that upstairs and slowly Derek and Kristin helped her follow him. She sat on her bed with Kristin debating whether or not she wanted to take a nap at ten AM and began to realize that she probably did which she was frustrated by. As Kristin helped her pull back the covers and get into bed she sensed her frustration. "Jenny it's just like you said earlier, it's just going to take a little time but you'll be feeling better."

"I know and it's consequences of stupid choices I made before but it's frustrating."

"Yes I'm sure it is frustrating and I am so proud of you for everything you have accomplished."

"Thank you. You know what is so ironic?"

"What?" Kristin asked.

"To watch Laurel or Lucy. They don't realize what they're doing. I wish I could help them to understand how bad this can make things."

"I know and I think they're both starting to understand."

"Yeah dad told me that Laurel still wasn't feeling well."

"No she isn't. Dr. Patrick feels she has the flu and she's taking Tamiflu but she's still pretty miserable and unfortunately she probably will be for awhile."

"Yeah the flu is bad. Dad says Lucy's parents are here?" Jenny said yawning.

"Yes they are going to spend Christmas with us I think. Do you need anything else Jen or should I just let you rest?"

"Will you make sure you wake me up for lunch?"

"No problem." Kristin agreed going down the hall to check on Laurel. Laurel lay in bed, asleep but her sleep seemed fitful and restless and both her pajamas and bed sheets were damp with sweat. Her cheeks were flushed and she seemed uncomfortable as she shifted her weight in bed. She opened her eyes halfway and started to close them and then realized Kristin was there.

"How are you feeling sweetie?"

"It hurts all over and I'm too hot!" Laurel cried.

"I know." Kristin said reaching for the thermometer which she placed under Laurel's tongue while she got a clean t-shirt and underwear from her drawer and then went out to get clean sheets from the linen closet in the hall. She returned and removed the thermometer finding the 103.8 unreassuring.

"Do I have a fever?" Laurel asked meekly.

"Yes. Why don't you get up so I can change the sheets on your bed." Kristin suggested helping her to the chair.

A few minutes later she was helping her back into bed in a clean t-shirt. "I'm going to get you some Tylenol and some juice. Are you hungry at all? Is there anything else you need?"

Laurel shook her head meekly so Kristin collected up her sheets and pajamas and added them to the washer where it looked like someone else had stripped their bed as well, added some soap and turned the washer on. As she was coming out of the laundry room she saw her husband coming up the kitchen stairs. She hadn't even heard him come in. They embraced at the top of the stairs. "How was your trip?"

"Not bad. I was surprised at how little traffic there was I left around 7:30 and it's a little after ten now."

"I'm glad. I've been thinking about you. Why don't you put your stuff in our room I'm just going downstairs to grab some Tylenol for Laurel."

In Lucy's room Ruthie and Lucy were going through her closet. "I like this dress. You bought it for that reception you went to on the Student Court trip right?" Ruthie suggested pulling a straight lined black dress with a flare skirt from the closet rack.

"Yes, when we went to Washington D.C.," Lucy remembered "But I can't wear that it makes me look hideously fat."

"As if," Ruthie argued.

Lucy made a face in reaction to the expression her sister had borrowed from Mary. Ruthie continued, desperate to make things ok. "I just meant nothing could make you look fat. You aren't fat Lucy you're very beautiful and I love you." Ruthie said wrapping her arms around her sister.

Lucy was somewhat surprised by Ruthie's outpouring emotion at first but then she became suspicious. "Ruthie?"

"Yes." Ruthie said pulling away from her sister a little.

"What are you talking about?"

"What do you mean? Can't I love you? I mean you're my sister." Ruthie asked.

"Uh ok but what brought this on all of the sudden?" Lucy asked.

"I've just really missed you Lucy." Ruthie tried to cover but she suspected Lucy wasn't quite buying it. She was unable to meet Lucy's eyes.

"Ok Ruthie spill it!" Lucy demanded.

"I didn't mean to listen in on your conversation really. I just came upstairs to ask if you thought we could go swimming and then I thought you were going to kiss and I didn't want to interrupt but then you started talking. I'm sorry." Ruthie said starting to cry.

"What did you hear?" Lucy asked but she had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach as she asked.

"You have an eating disorder and you're afraid to tell mom and dad and I didn't know what that was but then I looked it up and Kristin explained some more. She said that sometimes when people are unhappy they aren't able to fully deal with those feelings and that restricting their food intake gives them a false sense of feeling better. But she explained that in the end it just makes things worse and that people can get very sick as a result of the malnutrition." Ruthie finally stopped and took a breath.

Lucy was silent, unsure what to say. She sunk down to her bed and put her head in her hands. Ruthie sat down next to her, reaching up to drape an arm around Lucy's shoulders. "I'm sorry Lucy I really am. I promise I won't tell mom and dad. I just want you to be ok."

Lucy felt awful, she had never meant for Ruthie to find out and she felt bad asking her to keep a secret from her parents but she couldn't deal with them knowing. Finally she raised her head and choked back tears. Ruthie looked at her earnestly "I really promise I won't tell."

Lucy hugged her tightly. "Thank you." She whispered.

Meanwhile back in the west wing Eric had given up on finding lodging for the night. Well almost. After several hours of calling the only hotel he could find was the place in Massi and he had placed 3 rooms on hold with the plan of cruising by and checking the place out. Of course he didn't want Annie to know what he was up to so he surreptitiously loaded the family luggage into the van and then suggested taking everyone out for lunch.

Lucy was reluctant but she suggested that since she and Derek had early afternoon plans perhaps they could take his jeep as well and Eric didn't object because he figured that way when he deemed the hotel acceptable he could just send Derek on his way. As he got into his jeep to follow Rev Camden Derek was surprised he had suggested lunch in Massi for several reasons but of course his stomach focused on the fact it was almost 11:30 and Massi was almost an hour away.

As he drove he kept glancing over at Lucy she looked uncomfortable and he could sense her anxiety he just wasn't sure exactly what was causing it. He was more surprised to see Rev Camden take the 12th Street Exit, ironically not far from one of the foster homes Derek had lived in but he thought the neighborhood had actually declined further in the subsequent 12 years. Finally he pulled up behind the Reverend at 960 N Pike and watched as Eric led them into a rather rundown looking building called the Rafferty.

Lucy shuddered and leaned in closer to Derek as they went inside, the neighborhood scared her which didn't make her more comfortable. For reasons Lucy wasn't sure they actually had to wait for a table. She wasn't sure why anyone would voluntarily eat in the restaurant. It was then that Mary slipped outside and wandered into the bar next door where she procured a few joints for the $20 she had borrowed from her dad. She smiled inwardly, and Kristin thought she was so smart.

When Mary rejoined her family in the Rafferty 10 minutes later they were still waiting for a table and Annie was rapidly losing patience with the whole experience. She felt dirty just standing there and was afraid the boys would touch something. Just then someone walked by and dropped ashes from their cigarette onto David's head. David promptly wailed and Annie took one boy by each hand started marching towards the exit. Eric finally recognized defeat and followed his wife wondering if he would also be able to surreptitiously unload the suitcases when they returned to the Stewart's.

They started to head back in the direction of Pembroke and Eric stopped at an APPLEBEE'S in Millertown. Annie was still criticizing his choice of restaurants but he was trying to tune her out. Derek followed the Camden van into the shopping center. As they parked and then got out of his jeep Lucy joked "Well it can't be any worse."

As they crammed into a booth with highchairs pulled up for Sam and David Lucy was overcome by the aromas. She pored over the glossy menu yearning for onion rings, mashed potatoes, or even a chocolate milkshake. Her mouth watered thinking about the food but when it came time to order she asked for a small salad with vinaigrette dressing on the side and large diet coke.

While they were waiting for their food to arrive Eric inquired about school and nonchalantly Lucy told him she had gotten two As in Psychology and Theology and two Bs in Statistics and Calculus. She saw his eyes raise a little and she knew he hadn't believed she would do that well. "That's really good Lucy," Ruthie encouraged.

"Yes it is." Derek agreed reaching for Lucy's hand under the table.

When their food arrived Lucy carefully cut her salad dipping the lettuce and tomatoes individually into the dressing, and chewing each bite twenty times. She was surprised at how full she felt after only eight bites but she noticed Simon was watching her so she took a few sips of her soda and then two more bites of her salad. Her parents distracted by Sam and David didn't pay any attention.

"Are you almost done?" she whispered to Derek.

Derek had only eaten half of his burger but he figured he could always eat later. "Sure." Derek whispered back.

"Well mom, dad thank you for lunch but I think we're going to be late. I guess we'll see you later at the Stewart's." Lucy said jumping up from the booth and conveniently being practically out the door before they really noticed what she had said.

Back in Derek's jeep Lucy sobbed, and Derek held her for a few minutes. "Do you want to tell me what is upsetting you so much?"

"I think I need to talk to your dad. I'm sorry Derek I love you I do and I want to tell you but please can you just give me a little more time."

When they returned home Lucy found Matt in his study downstairs reading over a deposition. She stood hesitantly in the doorway unsure how to begin. Engrossed in his work, Matt was surprised to look up a few minutes later and see her standing there. "Lucy? Did you need something" Matt asked.

She didn't answer him and he noticed she was trembling so he crossed the room and led her over to the couch by the window. "Lucy?" he asked again once he had helped her sit down.

"I have a problem." Lucy finally said.

"Yes," Matt said nodding encouraging her to continue.

"Ruthie learned about my eating disorder today. She overheard Derek and I talking. I know I've kind of lied about this before but the truth is my parents don't know about it at all."

"Do you think you are ready to tell your parents?" Matt probed gently.

"No, I know you don't understand because you're good parents and Kristin is a good older sister but things are different in my house."

"I can respect that, you still need support though and if we can help in that process please let us know. Is your concern that Ruthie will tell your parents or that it's unfair to ask her to not tell them?"

"She promised she wouldn't tell them."

"Do you think she may need to discuss it to be able to process and deal with her concerns."

"Maybe. Kristin tried to help her but do you think that you and Cynthia could explain too?"

"I think that could be arranged. Lucy my next question is difficult and you may not be able to answer it right now, you've alluded to things with your parents being difficult. Do you have any concerns that your younger siblings could be in danger in the house?"

"I don't know." Lucy said her voice trembling again.

"I know it's a difficult question. But I'm sure we would both like to prevent your brothers and sisters from having the unpleasant experiences you had if that was possible."

"What would you do if I said I did worry about them?" Lucy asked feeling uneasy. Her heart was pounding and her stomach felt queasy.

"Well I think it would to some extent depend on what the situation was specifically. However, I think both as an officer of the court and morally I would have several obligations." Matt replied. He was cautious about saying more as he didn't want to discourage her from talking but he also didn't want to make promises he would be unable to keep later.

"What does that mean though?" Lucy asked feeling worse. The trembling was getting worse and she felt shaky and queasy inside.

Matt sensed her discomfort and noted that her face had turned completely white. "Lucy, perhaps we should talk about this later. It will be ok," he suggested.

Lucy couldn't answer him. The queasiness had reached an apex and she felt clammy and uncomfortable, although she tried to hold back she vomited most of lunch onto the oriental rug that covered the middle of the room. She felt more shaky and lightheaded and she allowed Matt to help her lay down on the couch where he elevated her legs with a few pillows and covered her with an afghan.

Matt patted Lucy's shoulder as he crouched down by the couch and asked "How are you feeling?"

"Better," she said meekly but Matt noticed she still looked pale and was still trembling.

"Why don't you just try to relax, shut your eyes and think of pleasant thoughts," Matt suggested patting her shoulder again as he started to stand.

He headed to the kitchen to get some club soda, paper towels, and the "absorb-a-cloth" to clean the carpet.

In the kitchen he found that Cynthia had returned from the hospital and was making fudge with Kati and Danielle.

"Mommy is a hero," Kati claimed beaming at him.

"Yes I agree your mother is a wonderful woman, what particular aspect of her are we celebrating now?"

"She did that spinal tap thing that no one else could do. Someday I want to be a good doctor like her," Kati explained.

"I thought you wanted to be a cardiologist because you like EKGs?" Danielle joked remembering the afternoon Cynthia had stopped briefly at the hospital with them after a soccer game on their way to the mall. Her plan had been to quickly put in a line, check the x-ray and head off on their shopping expedition. All had gone as planned until one of her colleagues caught her as they were leaving to give him a second opinion on an EKG. Kati had peered up at the tracing intrigued. After Cynthia had agreed with her colleague that it was likely Wolff-Parkinson White Syndrome, they had spent another 30 minutes looking at other EKGs and talking about p waves and QRS complexes. Danielle had found the topic interesting because they had been studying cardiac conduction in physiology around that time but she had been surprised at Kati's interest.

"Well I could be a good cardiologist couldn't I?" Kati challenged.

"Yes sweetheart I'm sure you could be if that was what you wanted to do," Matt agreed reaching for the spray bottle of club soda they kept under the sink for clean up.

As he started to leave Cynthia asked, "Matt is everything alright?"

"Yes, Lucy isn't feeling well and just vomited all over the rug in my study."

"I thought she and Derek went to lunch with her parents."

"They did, perhaps lunch was unsettling," Matt suggested.

"Well please let me know if Lucy needs anything," Cynthia said opening a package of walnuts onto the cutting board for Danielle to chop.

"I think she just needs to rest. But I'll let you know," Matt agreed taking his cleaning supplies back to the study.

When Matt returned Lucy was still lying on the couch with her eyes wide open. "I'm sorry!" she said as Matt started to clean the carpet.

"Illness happens and you aren't the first child to vomit on this rug. I hope you're feeling better."

"I am." Lucy said and her voice did sound a little stronger.

Matt finished cleaning and returned his supplies to the kitchen and then returned to check on Lucy who was looking better. "I'm sorry Lucy did I push too hard?"

"No, it was ok really. I need to talk about this." Lucy said sitting up and wrapping the afghan around herself.

Matt hesitated for a moment but then joined her on the couch sitting to face her. "My parents aren't abusive, not really. I mean my dad can get pretty mad at times but he's never really hit us or anything." Lucy paused uncertain if she should continue. She thought of Ruthie and took a deep breath.

"It's more that they're clueless or maybe denial is the right word." Lucy continued.

"What is it that you wish they could understand Lucy?"

"Well it's about my sister, Mary I mean. She did some stuff in high school but then mom and dad thought it was all fixed and now she's like their model child because she stayed close to home for college and I wanted to go away and my older brother, his name is Matt too, went away to medical school." Again Lucy paused for breath.

"I don't know how to say the next part." Lucy paused again, the queasy feeling was returning. "Well Mary, she well she drinks and smokes pot and sometimes afterwards she's not exactly nice. I worry about her hurting the twins or Ruthie I guess." Lucy finally finished.

"Have you tried to explain this to your parents?"

"Yes, but they didn't believe me my mom even accused me of lying because I was jealous of Mary. I guess maybe I was when I was younger but now...how could I be jealous of a drug addict?" Lucy started cry.

Matt patted her shoulder and pulled the Kleenex box within her reach. "I can help you try to talk to your parents again." he offered.

"Thank you," Lucy said sniffling and dabbing at her eyes with a Kleenex. Just then the phone in Matt's study rang and he crossed the room to answer the phone. "Good afternoon, Judge Stewart speaking." he began.

Lucy watched his eyebrows raise as he listened. He was writing something on paper on his desk and she looked down at her hands. Finally he hung up the phone and returned to sit beside her on the couch.

"Is everything alright?" Lucy asked. She was trying to be polite but after she said the words she realized perhaps he couldn't tell her.

"I just need to go to the courthouse in a little bit. I have a few more minutes though if there is anything else you need to talk about."

"No I think that's it really. Why do you have to go to the courthouse, I mean it's almost 2:30 and it's Christmas Eve."

"Yes but unfortunately we have two children in this county who need to have a safe home to go to for Christmas. We'll be having an emergency hearing at three."

"I never really thought about that. Thanks for talking to me." Lucy started to rise and then said, "Uhh could we wait until after Christmas to talk to my parents. I don't want my dad to be mad and ruin Christmas for David and Sam."

"Ok Lucy." Matt agreed. After Lucy left he realized there was one more thing he needed to do before heading to the courthouse, and he climbed the front stairs to the east wing. He was not looking forward to his conversation with Mary but he knew it needed to be done for Kati and the twins benefit.

As he hesitated in the hallway to collect his thoughts he heard voices from Mary's room and he realized that Kristin had beat him to the conversation. A few minutes later he saw Kristin coming out of Mary's room with her hand clasped around several joints. "Dad?" Kristin whispered a little surprised to see him.

He followed her into the bathroom where she assuredly flushed the joints. "This doesn't clog the plumbing does it?" she asked.

"Well let's hope not." Matt said good naturedly hugging her.

"How much of our conversation did you hear?" Kristin asked.

"Enough. Lucy just told me as well and I wanted to make sure that Mary didn't actually have drugs in our home but I see you had the same concerns."

"Yes, Lucy had told me about Mary before they came for the holidays and I confronted her Monday night. I wanted to tell you but Lucy seemed so afraid then and I didn't want to betray her trust. Please believe me that if I hadn't been successful with Mary I would have told you."

"I do. It's really rewarding to see your children grow up and see them be compassionate, and strong. I really love you Kristin."

"I love you too." Kristin said and they embraced.

As they came out of the bathroom Kati was coming out of her room in a bathing suit with a youth soccer t-shirt over it and a pair of Speedo sandals. "Aren't you going to come swimming with us Kristin?" she asked.

"Sure let me just get my suit on and I'll be down in a minute," Kristin said heading to her own room to change.

Later Paul, Kristin, Danielle, Kati and Ruthie were playing in the pool. Kati and Danielle were swimming this cool stroke called butterfly which they tried to show Ruthie but she couldn't seem to get her arms and legs to go the right way. When Danielle and Kati swam it looked really cool, kind of like how she remembered the dolphins swimming at Sea World and she mentioned that.

"Yes!" Danielle agreed. "When I was Kati's age I used to pretend I was a dolphin when I swam butterfly. I still do if I'm having a bad day." Danielle admitted with a smile.

They then started a game of "Marco Polo" with Paul which Ruthie remembered from swimming at the YMCA. It was more fun in the nearly empty pool at the Stewarts and she was actually starting to have fun. She did wish Lucy had joined them but Lucy had been laying down to take a nap when Ruthie came back from lunch with their parents and changed into her bathing suit.


	30. Chapter 30

Lucy had laid in bed restlessly for a few minutes after Ruthie headed down to the pool with Kristin and Kati. Eventually she gave up on sleeping and wandered down the hall to Derek's room where he was wrapping gifts for his siblings. Lucy chuckled at his wrapping job. She supposed the gift was covered with paper and that was a positive thing but he definitely didn't get any additional points for style.

"Would you like some help?" Lucy offered sitting down on his bed.

"What do you think?" Derek asked handing paper, scissors and tape up to her.

"Are you feeling better?" Derek asked as she wrapped the lid of the box that Kati's Tigger Fleece would go in.

"Yeah, talking to your dad helped. Thank you."

"I'm glad."

"Derek?"

"Yes Luce." Derek replied getting up off the floor to join her on his bed.

"You were thirteen when you came here to live?"

"Yes, why?"

"I was just wondering. You've never really talked much about the time before that."

"Well I was born in NY actually in the Bronx. My biological mother moved us to Philadelphia when I was one, well almost two and we lived there until I went into foster care when I was six."

"Do you still see your biological mom?"

"I haven't in years. She was a drug addict, heroin, cocaine kind of whatever she could get I guess. I didn't understand it at the time but I now realize her male friends were probably paying her to be so friendly. The last I heard from my mom she was in jail but that was I guess five years ago now."

"What about your biological father?" Lucy asked.

"I never met him. My mother was never really sure who he was I think since around the time of my conception she had multiple partners. That actually became an issue when my parents were trying to adopt. I think they ended up having to do legal notices in several papers before they could finalize the adoption."

"It must have been hard growing up in foster care" Lucy presumed.

"It was hard because in seven years I went through about forty foster homes. I never really had much opportunity to form attachments. Of course that wasn't entirely bad since some of parents were well abusive and getting to leave was always a happy thing. I really didn't expect anything more than that when I came here."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault Luce. And I'm moving on. I'm working on focusing more on the future than the past."

"I wish I could do that. But what if the past haunts you?"

"Sometimes I think you have to decide to let it stop haunting you. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm not all the way there yet but I'm working on it," Derek finished noticing that Lucy had finished wrapping his gifts.

He moved the pile of neatly wrapped gifts to the floor and laid the scissors and tape on the top of the pile. When he turned back to his bed he noticed Lucy was crying and shivering. "Luce? What's wrong?" he asked concernedly.

Lucy didn't speak her teeth chattering. Instinctively Derek helped her get under the covers and tucked her into his bed. "Lucy please talk to me. Do you feel sick? Are you upset what is wrong?" Derek asked again.

"Kind of sick," Lucy admitted. "I'm cold."

Derek pulled the covers up around her tightly, "Just try to rest. Maybe you're just tired. I guess today has been a pretty exhausting day for you."

"Could you just hold me?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah sure," Derek said although in actuality he was more holding his down comforter he realized but Lucy stopped shivering and drifted off to sleep so he decided not to raise technicalities. As he lay there watching her sleep he thought about the events of the day and wondered what was really going on with her parents. Why had her dad tried to bring them to a restaurant known by most local residents as a crack house with food? Of course he doubted their infamy had stretched to California so he supposed he shouldn't expect Lucy's dad to know about it but why had he not turned back when he realized the neighborhood he had ended up in. Eventually lying next to her Derek also drifted off to sleep.

Meanwhile Eric had managed to unload everyone's luggage again, however, not without Annie taking notice. "Why don't you just accept it Eric we're stuck here for the holidays," she said with frustration in her voice.

"Well you don't have to be so happy about it." Eric challenged.

"Happy? Hardly. Do you think I enjoy this. Lucy won't speak to us. Ruthie and Simon are busy detailing all the luxuries the Stewarts have that we will never have because you have a minister's salary. Sam and David are trying to destroy a new room of the house every time I turn around. You think I'm Happy?" Annie's anger was escalating.

"So it's my fault for being a minister?" Eric asked.

"I never said that."

"It's not Ruthie and Simon that covet this house, it's you. You're still fantasizing about what would have happened if you had married George well I'm sorry that the ministry is not the prestige career you had envisioned for me!" Eric screamed turning storming out of the bedroom. He failed to notice that Sam and David had brilliantly assembled their racetrack in the hallway. His foot caught part of the mobile track and he slid the length of the hallway eventually landing on his face. The scenario sent Sam and David into gales of laughter. Eric screamed but Annie didn't even come out of their guest suite. Grumpily Eric picked himself up and started back towards the west stairs. He glared at Sam and David as he passed, "You better clean up that mess before I come back upstairs!"

Sam looked at David, "Daddy's mad."

"Oh yeah." David said and they both giggled as Annie came out of their guest suite and made them clean up the track and the cars.

Still fuming Eric reached the bottom of the west stairs which ended in a hallway with two room size walk in closets, one of which had been turned into a sewing room and another which had been turned into a studio. The hallway then led into the downstairs library. It was ridiculous to have a house large enough that visitors needed a map. He wondered if sometimes the Stewarts themselves needed a map. He resented Lucy for choosing money over family. He had no idea what she possibly could see in the Derek Stewart and his family otherwise.

Eric coursed through the rest of the house without seeing anyone. Eventually in the kitchen he found Ruthie giggling as she came up the stairs with Kristin, Paul, Kati, and Danielle from the pool. "Where is your sister?" Eric demanded.

"Lucy or Mary?" Ruthie answered she sensed her dad was angry but wasn't sure what had happened to set him off.

"Lucy of course. Fortunately your mother and I don't have to worry about Mary." Eric fumed, not noticing the way Kristin's eyes raised at his comment.

"She was taking a nap." Ruthie said as they started up the stairs to change out of their suits. They all went into their respective rooms with Eric reaching the door to Lucy's room before Ruthie. He flung the door open but Lucy's bed was empty.

"Where is Derek's room?" Eric asked Ruthie and again she thought she could see steam coming from his ears.

Ruthie was afraid but reluctantly she led him up the hall and pointed to Derek's room and then she covered her ears and ran down the hall as fast as she could. Eric flung open the door and saw Lucy and Derek lying together, of course since Lucy was under the covers and Derek on top of them he really couldn't argue they were doing anything wrong. However, Eric was too upset to process that detail so he screamed "What do you think you are doing! Get up! Get up!" and pulled on Lucy's free left arm hard, her right arm was tucked under the pillow.

Lucy awoke quickly and in pain. As she and Derek sat up in bed Eric continued to scream. The screams brought Kaiti, who had already finished changing and rinsing out her bathing suit, out into the hall and terrified she ran for her parents.

"Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Daddy!" Kati cried as she ran down the stairs and through the kitchen.

Cynthia came out of the downstairs bathroom behind the hall stairs that she had been cleaning since they would be having company after the candlelight service at church. "Kati, sweetheart what's wrong?" Cynthia asked kneeling down and catching her daughter into a hug.

"Lucy's dad is yelling and he's going to hurt Lucy and Derek." Kati explained just as Matt came through the front door into the hallway.

"Daddy!" Kati cried

"Hello angel. How is my beautiful 5 year old?"

"I'm scared. Lucy's daddy is yelling and he's in Derek's room."

Matt patted his daughter's head and then said to Cynthia, "I'll make sure everything is alright upstairs." as he turned towards the front stairs.

"Come on sweetie, it's ok we aren't going to let anyone hurt you." Cynthia said soothingly.

"I wouldn't want him to hurt Derek or Lucy either."

"Yes sweetie but your daddy is going to go upstairs and talk to them."

"He was yelling. You and daddy never yell."

"Well Kati in our experience it often just makes the situation worse. But some people do yell and I understand it can be a little scary to hear. I don't like it when I hear people yell either." Cynthia explained hugging her daughter tightly.

"I love you Mommy!"

"I love you." Cynthia said hugging her again.

Upstairs Matt stood in the doorway trying to grasp the situation before speaking. Eric was standing in the middle of his son's room screaming and Lucy and Derek both sat on his bed. Eric's words weren't making much sense unless he was speaking in tongues which Matt thought was unlikely. He wondered if Eric had caught Lucy and Derek in bed together and realized that would have made him disappointed and angry. But as he thought about it he realized he doubted Derek would do that.

"Is everything alright up here?" Matt finally asked.

"This doesn't concern you." Eric began.

"I'm afraid that when something happens in our home that scares our youngest daughter enough for her to come running for us it does concern me. I can understand your anger Reverend Camden but perhaps it would be better if we all took a few moments to calm down. We often regret words said in anger." Matt suggested.

"Dad nothing happened, nothing was meant to happen." Derek began. "Lucy was cold so I covered her with my comforter and then somehow we both fell asleep."

"Yeah, we weren't even sleeping in his bed together dad. Can't you trust me?" Lucy asked in tears.

"Trust is earned Lucy." Eric said storming back out of Derek's room.

Lucy sobbed harder after he had left. Derek hugged her tenderly. He looked up at his father. "You believe us right?"

"I do. But perhaps it would be better if you left your door open if you were both going to be in your room together. Lucy are you alright?"

Lucy sniffled. "He hates me and I hate that I still care." She started to cry again.

"Lucy I think probably your dad was just concerned and he reacted emotionally rather than logically and it's hard not do that sometimes. It's hard to be a father sometimes and I know it's hard to be a son or daughter too I think we all just have to remember that and be a little patient with each other. Derek I'm going to go help your mom with dinner so perhaps we can make it to church on time for the Christmas Eve Service but your mother and I are both here if you need us."

Down the hall Ruthie lay on Lucy's bed on the phone with Matt. She called him when she had heard her dad start screaming.

Matt Camden lay on the couch in their small Brooklyn apartment talking with his youngest sister. Since he and Sarah had moved east after their wedding to start medical school at NYU Ruthie had called frequently when things got a little too out of control at home. Matt had to admit he was concerned, it seemed like their father; who in Matt's opinion had needed the "Anger Management Classes" he required his son to complete years ago a whole lot more than he had; was getting worse with time.

"Maybe you could come for Lucy's birthday Matt," Ruthie suggested.

"Ruthie Lucy's birthday is Friday and I doubt I could find a flight on this short notice."

"You wouldn't have to fly. You could drive."

"Ruthie if I drove I wouldn't get there by Lucy's birthday. It's probably at least 50 hours so it would take us at least 3 days."

"Not to get here. I looked it up on the internet you're only maybe four or five hours away. Or were you not listening last time I called and explained that we were flying out to PA for Christmas."

"What are you doing in Pennsylvania?" Matt asked sheepishly. He supposed he hadn't been listening when Ruthie had called on Saturday night, his mind had been on head and neck anatomy as they had had a major anatomy exam on Monday. His physiology text lay next to him on the coffee table as they had a physiology exam on in a little over a week when classes resumed January 2nd after the holidays.

"Visiting Lucy and her boyfriend Derek. His parents live in Pembroke."

"Alright well I'll see Ruthie. I have a big test after the holidays."

"You always have a test." Ruthie complained.

"I know. The joys of medical school. Ruthie I love you and I'll try to come really. Hey can you give me the phone number there, if I can come I'll call for directions ok?"

Ruthie did give him the phone number and was just hanging up the cordless phone when Lucy came back into their room. "Are you alright?" Ruthie asked.

"No. Why can't dad trust me for a second? Good grief I just fell asleep in Derek's room big deal."

"So you weren't..." Ruthie's voice trailed off she was unable to actually ask the question.

"Of course not. I wouldn't do that, not even with Derek. Not until we're married."

"Do you think you'll marry him?"

"Maybe someday. I hope so." Lucy said going into the bathroom to take a bath before dinner.


	31. Chapter 31

Dinner was a tense event. Only the twins seemed oblivious to the afternoon's events as they chattered happily. Matt and Cynthia quickly cleaned the kitchen while Danielle and Kati cleared the table and loaded the dishes into one of the dishwashers as Kristin swept the dining room floor. Annie had to admit she was impressed at how smoothly cleanup was with the Stewart children just leaping to help rather than their house where any degree of cleanup required a lot of arm twisting.

They had been supposed to be attending the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service at the Pembroke United Methodist Church where the Stewarts were members but Eric had stormed off as soon as dinner was over and Annie was uncertain what his plans were for the evening. She supposed they needed to talk, she could see he was hurt by Lucy's behavior and she was as well. She had noticed that Lucy had slipped away and back upstairs right after dinner on the pretense of fixing her hair before church.

With heavy heart Annie led the twins back up to their guest suite in the west wing. She was surprised to see Eric dressing for church in the one suit he had brought. She wondered if that was a good sign or not but later when they were following the Stewart's oldest son Adam, since the musician members of the family had already left, to the church she tried to consider it a good thing.

Simon sat silently in the van reflecting back on the last twenty four hours. His concerns about Lucy had intensified and he was wondering if her weight loss was explained by an eating disorder. He had noted that she didn't eat much at either lunch or dinner. He had tried talking to Danielle about his concerns during the afternoon and while Danielle seemed to be quite knowledgeable about eating disorders and their dangers she didn't volunteer if she knew if Lucy had one specifically. So Simon pressed the question and again Danielle avoided answering which from what little Simon knew of her he thought was her wondering if it was appropriate to tell him the truth about Lucy.

They arrived at the Pembroke United Methodist Church on Church Street, Adam led them up the front walk which was lined by the luminaries and in the front door of the church. Ruthie stood a moment in the crisp night air looking up at the stained glass window with a light behind it. Adam noticed her glance and explained the history of the window and how their grandfather had removed the bricks that had blocked the window and then installed a light to illuminate it. Pensively Ruthie followed her family into the church. Adam led them to a pew in the middle of the church where she saw Derek's grandparents who she remembered from the night before when they had been lost. It was hard for Ruthie to believe that it was only a little less than twenty four hours ago that they had sat in the van in the driveway at the Stewart Farm. So much had happened since then.

Ruthie sat in between Lucy and Simon and her parents and the twins filled in the rest of the pew. The prelude was a Beethoven Medley Kati, Danielle, and Kristin were playing with piano accompaniment. Ruthie watched Lucy snuggle a little closer to Derek and rest her head on his shoulder. She watched her father's eyes raise and prayed silently for God to somehow make them all survive the holidays.

At the end of the pew Sam and David fidgeted and squirmed which Annie considered ominous considering the service hadn't really begun yet. She hoped the service would be short. She had glanced at the bulletin and seen that there was not a sermon just several bible readings, prayers, a "message" which she supposed might be a sermon in disguise, and lots of special music featuring the Stewart family ensemble it seemed. Music was always a talent Annie had yearned for but she had to admit it was not her thing. She had hoped one of their children would show promise in that direction but it really hadn't happened. Lucy had tried the clarinet for a year but never managed to stop sounding like a squeaking dying animal and Ruthie had dabbled around trying to find an instrument but eventually the music teacher at their elementary school had suggested that she might be better suited for art enrichment activities. Annie remembered being very hurt by that conversation but Ruthie had taken it all in stride and happily started painting and doing pottery in art. Annie supposed that she was talented but somehow that hadn't seemed to count to her. Annie came out of her reverie to the sound of clapping as the Stewart children finished their piece. She watched as Kati and Danielle silently removed their music stands and instruments and went up the stairs to the balcony, Matt went to back of the church to process in the with the rest of the choir, and for some reason Kristin seemed to go up to the choir loft in the front of the church.

As the organ cued and the processional hymn began Annie realized that Kristin was playing trumpet with the hymn, it actually was a nice touch but Annie couldn't get past the unfairness of why their children hadn't been blessed with some of the gifts the Stewarts seemed to have. As the last of the choir filed up to the loft and the hymn ended Sam let out a yelp and Annie realized that David had bit him. She had been so caught up in her thoughts she didn't even notice the boys brewing skirmish until it had reached a crescendo. Quickly before they could cause more of a commotion she herded they boys out of the sanctuary.

As Annie went downstairs to the fellowship hall in the basement of the church she wondered if there was a nursery somewhere that maybe the boys could play in for the rest of the service. As if answering her prayers a pleasant white haired lady came out of a room off of the main hall. "Hi I'm Alberta Garrison, what adorable little towheads."

"Annie, Annie Camden. Thank you. Adorable but not well behaved in church."

"It goes with the age I'm afraid. In fact I still remember little Adam Stewart, he had a phenomenal set of lungs and he could use them too. He was quite the challenge to his parents especially since his poor mom was an overworked resident at the time. Not a bad kid of course just a busy lively little boy like yours I'm sure. Adam turned out just fine, he'll be taking over as minister of this church in January and I'm sure these little guys will go on to do great things as well. Come let me show you where our nursery is."

Annie enjoyed talking with Alberta or 'Bert' as she later suggested she call her and the boys actually played nicely together. She was surprised how quickly an hour passed and to see Ruthie standing in the door.

"Mom, uh dad is ready to go if you are." Ruthie said uncomfortably. She really was afraid to leave her dad alone with Lucy and Derek for too long.

Later arriving back at the Stewarts Cynthia and Matt were preparing for the Christmas Eve open house. "Your parents have way too many open houses," Lucy said to Derek, as they hung their coats in the hall closet, but she smiled which Derek thought was an improvement. Derek hung her coat as she reached to put her sweater back on as her blouse had short sleeves and she was chilly anyway. But before she slipped her sweater back on though Derek noticed her left arm, which looked swollen and bruised.

"Lucy? What happened to your arm."

"You know when my dad came in and we were sleeping. Remember he pulled on my arm to wake me up."

"It looks horrible. Are you sure it's not broken?" Derek was concerned.

"Broken? Oh come on if it was broken I wouldn't be able to use it." Lucy said. However, she had to admit she had been avoiding using it. But she remembered the conversation she and Jenny had had a month ago when Jenny had told her about her mom breaking her arm but Jenny's mom had been abusive and she knew her dad wasn't. He just had a temper. Anyway some of the things Mary had done to her over the summer had hurt much worse and Lucy had never gotten medical attention for them.

"Ok, well let me know if it hurts more. If it does I think maybe you should get an x-ray." Derek suggested.

"An X-Ray on Christmas Eve?" Lucy asked in disbelief.

"Luce Emergency Departments are open 24-7 just ask my mom she gets calls from them at all hours even when she's not on in-house call" Derek finished as the doorbell rang.

He opened the door to Rev. Gilmore and his wife and guided them into the parlor where his parents stood by the fireplace. His dad was serving hot apple cider and cookies and as more guests arrived Derek led Lucy back into the library. "Are you sure you're ok?" he asked again.

"I'm fine. Really, it doesn't even really hurt I think I just bruise easily."

"Ok if you're sure." Derek said guiding her back into the parlor. His dad was taking people on a tour of the trees after which Kati would be going to bed.

Lucy looked around she didn't see her parents anywhere. Simon and Robbie were talking to Danielle and her boyfriend Jordan and Lucy actually felt a little bad for her brother. She remembered how badly he had been hurt by his last girlfriend Deena who had decided to see other people when she and her family moved away, then she was dumped by her boyfriend and went back to Simon but as soon as her boyfriend took her back she of course dumped Simon for him. In a way it was kind of sad because Danielle was much more the kind of fair and trustworthy girlfriend Simon really deserved. Of course she knew she couldn't make Danielle like Simon she realized with a pang just like she hadn't been able to make her other relationships continue. But it would be different with Derek. She really wanted to believe that but she felt so uncertain.

The open house didn't last long as it was winding down and the Stewarts were starting to load plates and cups into the second dishwasher Cynthia's pager went off and she was back to the hospital to admit a second infant to spend their first Christmas in the hospital. Once again the EM physician had been unable to do the lumbar puncture.

As Lucy started upstairs with Derek she winced as she reached for the railing. She quickly tried to smile to cover but Derek caught her grimace too. He pulled her into his room and helped her remove her sweater. He realized her arm looked worse and said, "Lucy I really think someone should look at your arm." Reluctantly Lucy agreed and they headed to the ED at Pembroke Regional.


	32. Chapter 32

Lucy was taken into a room immediately when she came in which kind of surprised her. She remembered having to go to the ER back in California and it had always been a long wait.

She was seen by a Dr. Mark Hagen who rather quickly decided she needed an X-ray and someone arrived to take her to Radiology by wheelchair. Derek accompanied her at her insistence.

Meanwhile Dr. Hagen was going through their computer system looking for old ED notes or discharge summaries. He saw two ED Notes one from when she had been admitted with pancreatitis and one from her laxative misadventure. He pulled up the discharge summary and learned about her long hospitalization and saw tails to multiple bedside procedure notes-2 chest tubes, 3 central lines, 2 arterial lines all apparently done by Dr. Cynthia Stewart. There was also a link to the operative summary from her ERCP done by Dr. Stewart. However, Dr. Hagen reasoned none of that explained the injury she had presented with or why her story of tripping and falling seemed inconsistent with that.

Dr. Hagen suspected abuse and noted how her boyfriend had been always at her side since their arrival in the ED. He thought of his own sister Amy who had been a victim of domestic violence and her multiple ED visits for various injuries that no one ever attributed to more than being accident prone. His sister Amy had been died three years ago from wounds inflicted by her husband. At that time he had been an EM resident, he assuaged his guilt over Amy's death by becoming involved in domestic violence education and remembering to always think about abuse.

He pulled Lucy's x-ray up on the special PAX system for viewing x-rays and noted that she had a spiral fracture of her left radius. Just as he was about to pick up the phone to call the Orthopedic Surgeon on call he saw Dr. Stewart rounding the corner carrying four small tubes with clear cerebrospinal fluid.

"Ok successful lumbar puncture and the baby really looks good. I went ahead and wrote admit orders and dictated a procedure note and an admit H&P so as soon as Pediatrics is ready just send the child up. I talked to Dr. Clements who is on Pediatrics Inpatient tonight they know about the child."

"I'm sorry to have to call you in from home on Christmas Eve."

"It's not a problem. This is the second LP I've done today and your timing was pretty good Matt and I had just sent the last guest home and were starting to clean up when I got the page." Cynthia joked.

"Can I run something else by you?"

"Sure."

"Lucy Camden? Do you remember that patient? College student with a long ICU course for pancreatitis."

"Yes. Is there concern with recurrence of her pancreatitis I can look at the CT scan if you like."

"Actually my question was more social issues? I was wondering if you got a sense of the situation at home during her previous admission. She has a left radius spiral fracture and it's pretty impressive. Is there a possibility that her boyfriend is abusive."

Cynthia shuddered a little as she remembered Derek's first year in their home when he had taken his frustrations and anger out on Kristin. A trained karate student Kristin had apparently used some pretty interesting moves to get out of his way and protect herself without hitting back. Realizing Derek wasn't fitting into the family she never told her parents about the abuse until one day when in the process she fell down their stairs and then the events of the previous 10 months were revealed. Matt and Cynthia had been stunned but quickly focused on helping to heal Kristin's physical and emotional wounds and requiring Derek to attend counseling and anger management classes. They had watched him very closely after that especially with Danielle and Kati but he really was different. Cynthia couldn't imagine him hurting Lucy but the spiral fracture was impressive she agreed looking over Dr. Hagen's shoulder at the PACS system.

"How did she say she injured her arm?" she asked Dr. Hagen.

"Well she tripped and fell but we both know that this type of fracture is not consistent with that mechanism."

"Yes." Cynthia agreed. She knew too well that spiral fractures resulted from a twisting injury and were usually associated with abuse. "However, as a result of her eating disorder she probably has very diminished bone mass so it would probably not take much force to cause a fracture. Dr. West is her primary doctor now and I'm not sure if she's done bone density testing but that's something you might want to look into. Also I think you need to try to get more of history about what really happened."

"Do you think I should admit her?"

"Unless Orthopedics thinks this is something that needs an open reduction and my guess would be they won't but I would call them and see. But if they want to cast it and send her home I think you need to do that."

"But if she's being abused?" Dr. Hagen protested.

"Well she's 18 so if she wants to leave you can't stop that but I do think you have an obligation to try to talk to her and make sure she has resources for domestic violence if that's the issue and if she does feel she's in danger then you do have an obligation to find her a safe place to stay tonight. You may really want to talk to Dr. West who has been following her because if she has normal bone density then I think this is more concerning injury from an abuse standpoint and if she doesn't then I think that's a concern too and if she's fracturing from it then Dr. West needs to know that and address it. Does that sound like a plan?"

So Dr. Hagen returned to Lucy's room in the ED where Derek seemed to be holding her very gently. "Lucy would it be alright if I talked to you alone for a few minutes?" he probed.

"I'll go get you that drink you wanted ok?" Derek suggested.

Lucy looked uncomfortable but didn't protest. Dr. Hagen leaned up against the edge of the gurney and faced Lucy. "I looked at your x-ray and it looks like you do have a fracture so I've called the Orthopedic surgeon on call tonight and he'll be coming down to see you. But I had some more questions first."

"Surgery?" Lucy wailed.

"Well most likely he'll feel he can cast the arm but sometimes they do need to take patients to the OR and stabilize the fracture there. I'm confused by how the injury happened though Lucy."

Lucy looked more uncomfortable but he continued. "The kind of fracture you have isn't the kind that results when someone falls onto an arm. Are you sure that's exactly how it happened?"

Lucy started to cry, but Dr. Hagen was relentless. "Did someone hurt you Lucy?"

"He didn't mean it I'm sure." Lucy sobbed.

"Who didn't mean it?"

"My father. He was just mad I had fallen asleep in the same bed with my boyfriend but we weren't doing anything wrong. He was on top of the covers I was underneath them but my dad just kind of flipped out. He just pulled on my arm to wake me up I think but it hurt really badly."

Her answer was not what Dr. Hagen had expected. He was uncertain how to proceed he wondered if perhaps with her bone density a slightly firm twist and pull would be enough to break a bone. He did place a call to Dr. West who told him that indeed she had just received the results of Lucy's Dexa scan a few days ago which had showed osteoporosis and that she had planned on addressing that at Lucy's 12/26 visit. With that in place after Orthopedics casted her arm he reluctantly released her.

As they left the hospital Lucy and Derek could hear the clock on the courthouse in the square striking 12. Derek kissed her, "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas!" Lucy returned. The night was crisp but not really cold and a light dusting of snow was falling and for some reason Lucy really didn't want to go home. She looked up at the sky full of stars and asked, "Is there anyplace we could go and get hot cocoa or something like that?"

"The Border's Bookstore on Sunset Avenue is actually open 24 hours we could go there if you wanted but aren't you tired?"

"Actually no." Lucy said as they reached Derek's jeep and he opened the door for her.

"Ok" Derek said stifling a yawn as he pulled out of the parking lot and drove down Clinton Street which brought him back out to Main Street and the Main Entrance to Pembroke Regional Hospital. He turned left on Main Street and cruised southward to Sunset Ave which was the more commercial area of Pembroke. It was also one of the two ways to access the interstate from within the Pembroke limits.

When they reached the Border's Derek was surprised to see the coffee shop at least half full. He would think that Christmas Eve would be a weird time to be sitting in a bookstore coffee shop. However, he did notice that most of the patrons were alone.

Lucy wanted to browse a little as they waited for their drinks and he followed her through the store. They were in the "self-help" section and he saw her glance at numerous books about eating disorders. He remembered reading several when Jenny had first come to live with them trying to understand. He chuckled to himself remembering when Jenny had first told her boyfriend Chris about her eating disorder. Derek remembered her fleeing up the kitchen stairs and locking herself in her room. Eventually Chris had given up on her coming back downstairs and left. For some reason he had driven to the 24 hour Borders and spent all night poring through books about eating disorders. In the morning he had returned unslept to their house with cinnamon rolls from the coffee shop his attempt to show Jenny he would love her no matter what. Although Derek had laughed at Chris' dorkiness at the time he realized that he had succeeded in conveying those sentiments and he was truly glad Jenny had him in her life.

Their hot chocolate was ready and they returned to the coffee shop area of the store to sip their beverages. Lucy took her hot chocolate in her right hand and reached for Derek's hand with the fingers of her casted left hand. "Can we go look at stars?"

"Sure" Derek agreed as they went out into the crisp still night.

Eventually around two am they returned home. They were both surprised to see Matt in the kitchen. "Your sister is still not feeling incredibly well. So we thought we'd try some Tylenol and sprite," Matt explained putting the bottle of soda back in the refrigerator and reaching for the glass he had filled on the counter.

Derek was helping Lucy off with her coat and he noticed the white cast on her left arm. He refrained from commenting, he wasn't surprised her arm was broken. When she and Derek had come to tell him they were going to the hospital her arm had looked horrible and he had only imagined how painful it was. He shuddered a little recalling how her injury had occurred.

"Merry Christmas to both of you I'm going to bring this up to Jenny." he finally said.

"Merry Christmas! We'll see you in a few hours, I'm sure Kati's still at the age where she gets up at four on Christmas morning." Lucy said brightly.

"Actually Kati will be up at four I'm sure but she'll be swimming. So you potentially have opportunity for perhaps six hours of uninterrupted sleep. I can't guarantee that your brothers won't have other ideas"

"Well I think Sam and David are still on California time. Anyway I plan on giving them their presents later." Lucy said lightly but Matt recognized what she wasn't saying and although he could feel her father's pain he could see hers as well.

"Goodnight." Matt said starting up the stairs.

"Do you think you can sleep now?" Derek asked after his father had left.

"Maybe. I'm not sure."

"I know it's scary Lucy. Your dad is just a little out of control but that's not your fault. None of this is your fault."

"It's bad but I really wish my parents would just go back to California. I would miss Ruthie, Simon, and Sam and David though."

"What about Mary and Robbie?" Derek asked.

"Well Robbie is really more Mary's ex-boyfriend. My dad decided to take him in last winter and he's ok but we don't really know each other."

"And Mary?" Derek probed.

"It's just complicated Derek. But trust me it would be better if she wasn't still living at home." Lucy said as she followed Derek through the house where he hung up their coats in the closet in the front hall. Then they walked up the stairs together.

Lucy tried to be quiet as she crept into her room because she presumed Ruthie would be asleep. "Lucy?" Ruthie called as the door opened.

"Yeah. You should be asleep."

"I was worried about you. Simon said Derek took you to the hospital."

"Yeah, my arm is broken." Lucy said and then Ruthie noticed the cast.

"Ouch does it hurt a lot?" Ruthie asked.

"Not too much anymore. They gave me some pain medicine at the hospital. I guess we should try to get some sleep." Lucy said draping her clothes over the back of the chair and pulling on some pajamas before climbing into bed with her sister.

Across the hall Simon lay sleepless. He had been unable to stop thinking about Lucy long enough to fall asleep. He was sure she had an eating disorder and wondered how to confront her. But then he wondered if Derek's parents knew did he even need to confront her, maybe they would take care of everything. He supposed that was hopeful thinking but he wondered if maybe his parents were just making things worse for Lucy. After all his dad had broken her arm. He was still thinking when he heard Kati and Danielle getting up to go to swim practice with their mom.

Later after 2.5 miles of laps Cynthia pulled herself from the pool. She stood on the deck a minute watching Danielle and Kati swim intervals and then headed into the locker room to shower and then head to the hospital for rounds.

Meanwhile back at the Stewart residence Eric and Annie were frantically wrapping in the upstairs parlor in the west wing. The room Matt had offered them for their private family celebration. Annie had noted that there was a fireplace for the kids to hang their stockings and that they had a Christmas Tree. She supposed the Stewarts were trying to help but all she could see was the distance she feared the Stewarts were encouraging in Lucy's relationship with them. It was a little before 6 am when Annie wrapped the last gift. She smiled they were all ready whenever the kids awoke, which she suspected would be soon.

On the other side of the house Kristin dressed quietly not wanting to wake Paul as she headed to the Health Club to teach a water aerobics class. She had to admit that she had been a little surprised that the class was meeting on Christmas morning but oh well. As she left the house and started down the driveway towards the garage she saw her dad run past their house on his morning run. "Go Dad!" she screamed smiling.

After her class and their practice Kristin met Danielle and Kati in the locker room and together they walked out to the car. As Kristin drove home Kati was inspired and began singing Christmas Carols. Danielle and Kristin joined in and they were still singing Joy to the World as they walked up the driveway.

The smell of cinnamon rolls filled the house as the girls came through the kitchen door from the side patio still singing. Matt turned from where he was mixing icing at one of the kitchen counters. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas!" his daughters returned as they all fell into a hug with their father. Lucy watched the scene uncomfortably from the top of the kitchen stairs. She tried to remember when their family had been like that but the memories seemed fuzzy and it was hard to pull them to the front of her mind. She turned uncomfortably and went back up the two final steps of the staircase.

She went into the conservatory where she saw bulging stockings for all of the family. She smiled a little noticing one for her next to Derek's and then sat down on one of the couches in the room and watched the fish for a little while. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see Derek who kissed her. "Good Morning! Merry Christmas!"

Meanwhile in the west wing of the house the twins were finally awakening. Eric and Annie smiled at each other "Happy Christmas" Sam said.

Eric didn't bother to correct him. "Did Santa come?" David asked

"Let's go see." Annie suggested leading the boys into the upstairs parlor.

Sam and David looked at the gifts and stockings with wide eyes. They started to run for the tree but Eric held them back, "We need to wait for your brothers and sisters to get up first guys."

"I'll go wake the kids," Annie suggested.

Eric let her go. Perhaps it was better that way. But a few minutes later she returned only with Mary and Robbie as Ruthie and Simon had decided they wanted to stay with Lucy who would be participating in the Stewart festivities once Cynthia returned from the hospital.

Annie could see that Eric was angry as his eyes rolled and his face became red. She tried to soothe him, "Maybe it's better honey. We can still have a nice morning with Mary and the boys. Please don't get all worked up again."

But Eric was not to be reasoned with and soon he was dashing down the west stairs to take the front stairs over to the east wing. He was surprised to see Matt who had just come out of Jenny's room in the hallway. Concerned by the expression on Eric's face Matt suggested they have some juice and talk. He explained that Simon and Ruthie were in the shower anyway.

Anger increasing Eric followed Matt downstairs to the kitchen. He was sick of being told how to raise his own children. So what that Matt had a PhD in Child Psychology he really didn't care.

"I talked to Simon and Ruthie and as soon as they finish showering and dressing they will be joining you to open gifts with their little brothers. I think Lucy just needs a little bit of time she's still rather unsettled about last night and I know that she and Derek didn't return home from the hospital until almost 2am so she's probably exhausted. I know it isn't what you wanted but maybe it's better to not push Lucy right now."

"Lucy is my daughter!" Eric fumed.

"Yes, she is and she's growing into a very charming young woman you should be very proud of her. It's often the hardest thing to do but sometimes we need to give our children space. It was hard for us to do with Derek, he went to UCLA his freshman year and things were rather rocky then but patience is rewarded. We have a much stronger relationship with him now." Matt said as Cynthia came through the door.

Matt and Cynthia embraced and reluctantly Eric began to start back in the direction of their guest suite. Perhaps Matt was right about the space thing but Lucy couldn't have it both ways he decided. He vowed that if Lucy wasn't acting more like their daughter by the end of their visit he wouldn't be paying her tuition for spring semester.

About five minutes after Eric returned Simon and Ruthie joined them and they began tearing through stockings and gifts. Simon sat back somewhat detached from the event. He had a feeling that Ruthie knew more than she was telling.

Meanwhile in the east wing Kristin helped Laurel out of bed to join the rest of the family in the conservatory where they were about to start opening stocking presents. As Laurel sat down on the loveseat by the tree Danielle handed her a Christmas Stocking and she started to unwrap the tissue paper wrapped gifts. She unwrapped several packages of Pez candy and then a Giraffe Pez Dispenser, several gel pens, mittens, 2

sticks of chapstick, a koosh bear, two beanie babies (impressively two she didn't have) and a few packs of her favorite gum. Around her, her foster siblings were also unwrapping their stocking presents. Cautiously Laurel looked up from her gifts. Her eyes caught Kati trying on new swim goggles, and Matt and Cynthia's embrace by the brightly burning fireplace. She snuggled down on the loveseat under the afghan Kristin had covered her with and shut her eyes.

It was more sensory overload than true fatigue but Laurel was about to drift off to sleep when she felt someone picking up the tissue paper wrappings she had scattered on the loveseat and on the floor near it. She opened her eyes to see that her foster siblings were collecting all the paper up into two trash bags and that Kristin was placing all of her gifts into a green waffle crate. Kristin finished and knelt beside her, "Do you want help to go back to bed?" she offered.

"No this is ok. It's kind of comfortable actually" Laurel said and Kristin decided if she was shorter she might feel the same way.

Kristin tousled her hair, "Ok if you're sure. I think we're going downstairs to have some breakfast, unless you would like to join us."

Laurel debated. Although she was sure no one noticed, she really had been trying to get better. Seeing Jenny really sick had reiterated to her how sick she could be if she continued to starve. She had to admit though that it was hard to eat and she wasn't sure she really wanted to gain weight. She looked up at Kristin earnestly, "Can I sit next to you?"

Kristin refrained from correcting her grammar. "Of course," she said hugging her. Laurel sat up on the edge of the loveseat as Kristin refolded the afghan and draped it over one edge of the loveseat. Kristin then wrapped an arm around her shoulders and together they stood up.

When they walked into the dining room a few minutes later Kristin noticed that several members of her family and a few of the Camdens were filling their plates at the buffet of fresh fruit, scrambled eggs, cinnamon rolls, pancakes, oatmeal, and several kinds of dry cereal, that had been set up on the sideboard in the dining room.

They approached the buffet where Ruthie Camden was standing trying to fit everything on her plate. She looked up from the pancakes when they approached. "Who are you?" Ruthie asked looking at Laurel.

Kristin smiled and wrapped an arm protectively around Laurel's shoulders. "Ruthie this is our foster sister Laurel. Laurel this is Ruthie Camden, Lucy's younger sister."

"I like Lucy." Laurel said ironically as Lucy and Derek came into the dining room from the kitchen.

"Oh" Ruthie said thoughtfully starting towards the table with her full plate. She sat down next Simon hoping that Lucy would sit next to them. She had wanted to spend Christmas morning with Lucy and had only agreed to go over to be with her parents and Sam and David because Matt had explained that Sam and David might be hurt by her absence. Ruthie hadn't wanted to hurt her little brothers. Although she initially had kind of resented their presence in the family, now almost five years later she found them kind of fun.

Lucy did sit next to her almost making her morning and Ruthie noticed the big difference between her crammed plate and Lucy's single pancake and small amount of fruit. She supposed it was better than nothing right. The website she had read the day before had talked about how family members shouldn't fight with the sufferer over food or make them eat. Finally Matt and Cynthia joined them at the table. Matt looked around the table pleased to see Laurel joining them and realizing that everyone except for Mary, Eric, Annie, and the twins were seated at the table.

"Simon and Ruthie do you know if your parents were planning on joining us for breakfast?" Matt asked gently.

"Uh I think they took some cinnamon rolls and juice and went back upstairs. Sam and David were playing Hungry, Hungry Hippos," Simon explained.

"I have that game. I like twister better though." Kati commented.

Matt smiled at his youngest. "Thank you Simon. Cynthia did you want to say the blessing this morning?"

They joined hands and Cynthia began, "Lord we thank you for this food and this moment of peace together with family and loved ones. We thank you for your son who blessed us with his birth years ago in a simple stable and we thank you for our children and children everywhere who bless us daily. Guide us and allow us to do your work. Amen."

Ruthie and Simon joined in the chorus of amen but Simon reflected on the words more deeply. He thought when he had been Ruthie's age they had still prayed together before the evening meal he wasn't sure when exactly that had stopped. He guessed perhaps they got busy or maybe his dad was sick of Sam and David crying through the prayer. It wasn't just the words though that touched Simon, it seemed that as Cynthia spoke she truly searched her soul and opened it to the Lord. He wondered if his parents had tried that as they struggled with Mary and Lucy. He wondered if they would.


	33. Chapter 33

After breakfast was over and the kitchen and dining room was cleaned the Stewart family started preparing for their annual Christmas skiing event. Derek who had never been very into skiing had opted to stay home with Lucy and Jenny's boyfriend Chris was coming over while they were gone. Laurel had surprised them by agreeing that she would be ok staying with Jenny and Chris.

"So does that mean I have to go skiing, oops I mean it's great I can go skiing!" Paul joked.

Kristin hugged her husband.

"Well if Paul doesn't want to ski couldn't I come then and we could build a snowman while you were skiing?" Laurel asked.

Cynthia smiled at Laurel, "I think that's a wonderful idea Laurel. I'm sorry sweetie we didn't mean to exclude you. I just didn't think you wanted to come skiing, but it was wrong of me to make that assumption."

"I don't want to go skiing, I'm really bad at it and I can't keep up and it's just not fun but Paul can't ski either so we can build a snowman together." Laurel said starting slowly up the stairs to get ready.

Laurel stopped at the top of the stairs to rest. Even after eating a few bites of pancake and scrambled eggs she still didn't feel good. But she remembered the day her foster grandmother had made her get up and have breakfast and she really had felt better. Maybe if she went outside and played in the snow she would feel better she hoped so.

Back downstairs in the kitchen Matt turned to Cynthia and asked, "Are you sure it's a good idea to let her play outside with the flu"

"I think if she feels well enough to come then it's ok. Remember we don't get sick from being exposed to the cold. I think if she dresses appropriately maybe the fresh air will even be good for her."

"We can drive separately and then if Laurel doesn't feel well I can just bring her home," Paul suggested.

"I think that's a good idea. It's probably more a situation of how long she's up to being out of bed than being outside," Cynthia suggested.

Later Cynthia, Matt, Adam, Danielle, and Kati loaded into one of the family minivans and Laurel, Kristin, and Paul got into his SUV for the trip to the PALMIRA RIVER STATE PARK about 20 minutes south of Pembroke in the town of Deering.

Matt showed his family membership at the gate and the family parked in a small parking lot by the lodge. Matt handed Paul one of the family's two keys to the lodge as it was accessible only to members or their guests of the state park. As the Stewart family started off skiing briskly Laurel turned to Paul, "Could we go inside for a little bit first?"

"Sure, I think they usually have a fire in that huge fireplace and often there is hot chocolate and coffee." Paul agreed.

"You've been here before?"

"Yes this is an annual Christmas Tradition for Kristin's family."

"Oh," Laurel said as Paul unlocked the door to the lodge.

As they walked in a friendly gentleman Paul presumed to be somewhere in between his parents and grandparents age greeted them. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas!" Paul returned leading Laurel over by the fireplace and helping her to take off her parka. After removing his own coat he sat down beside her. "It looks like they do have hot chocolate would you like some."

Laurel debated again. She had eaten breakfast, and hot chocolate had calories and sugar. "Do they have water?" she asked.

"I'm sure they do. Is that what you would like?"

"Yes."

Paul returned with their beverages and sat down again. Laurel took a sip of her water and continued watching the fire. "Can we maybe just sit here for awhile?" she asked.

"Sure, as long as you want."

"I still don't feel good."

"I thought you didn't. Would you like to go home? You can get back into bed and be comfortable."

"I don't know. I'm sick of lying in bed. I don't want to be sick anymore but I don't feel good if I'm out of bed and I don't even feel good if I'm in bed all the time anymore." Laurel started crying.

Paul hugged her gently and stroked her hair. "It's ok Laurel. I know it's frustrating, it's just taking your body a little while to recover from everything it's been through in the past year."

"I don't like having fevers."

"Of course not. Fevers can be unpleasant," Paul said patting her back.

"I think I do want to go home." Laurel said picking up her head from his chest.

"Ok!" Paul agreed.

When they returned to the Stewart residence around 10:30 Paul helped Laurel back upstairs to bed and then went into the conservatory where Jenny and Chris were playing Chinese Checkers by the fireplace. Jenny looked up from the game "Short skiing trip?"

"Well actually I never even put my skis on Laurel and I were going to build a snowman but she got tired so we came back and she's resting now."

"I see. Want to play the winner? Which will be me!" Jenny offered.

Paul chuckled. "Sure." he agreed looking down at the board and seeing that perhaps Jenny would be right about the game's outcome.

Meanwhile Simon and Ruthie had both turned down the Stewart's skiing invitations to hang out with Lucy. They were down in the ground level rec room where Simon and Derek were playing pool and Lucy and Ruthie were kind of watching and kind of chatting.

Around noon the Stewarts returned from their skiing expedition. As everyone headed to their respective bathrooms to shower the phone rang. Matt picked up the wall phone in the kitchen. "Merry Christmas! You've reached the Stewart residence."

"Uhh this is Matt Camden may I speak with Ruthie please. I'm her brother."

"Of course give me a moment to find her," Matt offered as he saw Derek come up the stairs from the ground level.

"Is Ruthie downstairs son?"

"Yes, she and Simon are watching a movie with Lucy."

"Their brother Matt is on the phone. Could you grab the cordless phone from the front hall and take it to her."

"How do you keep straight what phones go with what numbers?" Derek asked. It was a question he had asked many times in the almost 10 years he had lived there. They had five phone lines in their home and tracing what phone went with what number was beyond Derek's ability. He was often forced to actually look on the phone for the phone number.

"It's really very simple the main household number is on the phone here, in the front hall, and in the master bedroom." Matt began.

"Sure dad whatever." Derek said heading in the direction of the front hall to grab the cordless phone.

Ruthie happily reached for the cordless phone. "Hi Matt!"

"Sarah and I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas!" Matt began.

"But don't you and Sarah celebrate Chanukah now? Well I guess Sarah always did." Ruthie said referring to her brother's impending conversion to Judaism after he had married the daughter of a Jewish Rabbi. Ruthie knew her father hadn't been happy about Matt's decision and although the whole family had joined Matt and Sarah for their celebration of their wedding Ruthie knew a large rift still existed between Matt and their father.

"Ruthie!" Matt said sharply on the other end of the phone.

"Yes," Ruthie feigned innocence.

Lucy smiled at their conversation. Personally she had never understood how Matt who had grown up believing in Jesus could in a sense go backwards in his faith. Sarah accepting Jesus as her savior and becoming a Christian had seemed more logical to Lucy. But Lucy knew that logical and relationships were often oxymorons. She and Matt had never really discussed the topic of his faith though. She had actually almost called him a few times when interesting things had come up in theology. She had learned a lot about Judaism and honestly it made a lot of sense if you lived in the time before Jesus. Lucy had tried to envision her ancestors in the first century and wondered what it had been that had made them accept Jesus as their savior. She admired their decision and realized that they had paved the way for her faith yet she often wondered if her faith could ever be as strong. She often wrestled with why God allowed sin or why he allowed bad things to happen to good people. Why had her grandmother been struck with leukemia? She knew all the arguments for free will and self determination but she had to admit she still had questions.

Lost in her own thoughts Lucy tuned out Ruthie's conversation with Matt. She was unaware that Ruthie had passed the phone to Simon and she jumped when Simon tapped her on the shoulder to try to hand the phone to her.

"Merry Christmas!" Lucy said recovering.

"Merry Christmas to you too. How are you feeling?"

"I'm ok." Lucy said uneasily. Had Ruthie told Matt about her arm? Or another thought struck her maybe her eating disorder.

"Good. I've been worried about you."

"Why?"

"Well for one thing you're impossible to get a hold of. I know that college is busy but do you even sleep Luce?"

"I sleep plenty, and yes school is busy but I like it. How is medical school?"

"Busy. It seems like we have a test every week. Our next test is the day after New Years" Matt explained. "I was thinking of you the other day..."

"Uh it was great talking to you Matt! I think we're about to eat dinner here so I guess I have to go. Give my love to Sarah!" Lucy interrupted and then clicked the phone before Matt could even protest or finish his thought.

She looked down at the couch afraid to meet anyone's eyes.

"We actually probably won't eat until 5 or so. I don't think dad has even started the roast beef yet." Derek said.

"Oh oops."

"You could call your brother back if you like," Derek suggested.

"Well he has a lot of studying to do anyway, and Sarah was waiting for him to go to the store," Lucy lied.

Ruthie wasn't so convinced. She was glad that Matt was going to come for Lucy's birthday. Even if Matt wasn't a Christian anymore he was still their brother and Ruthie needed him more than ever.


	34. Chapter 34

_Bear with me on this chapter. I'm open to suggestions on how to better illustrate some of Lucy's thoughts and feelings. Chapter 35 features Simon & Ruthie's long awaited conversation with the Stewarts about Lucy's illness. _

* * *

Upstairs in the west wing Matt and Cynthia were dressing after showering. "I agree I think maybe we owe Jenny a little bit of an apology. Although after everything I wonder if she even remembers the conversation you had and your apology will just confuse her more," Cynthia said.

"I suppose this is an example of not getting all the facts before I proceeded. Something I always caution the children about doing. I understand how easy it is to get caught up in the emotion of the situation."

"Well maybe we can tell them all and admit our mistakes at the same time." Cynthia suggested.

"Personally I liked the 'The good news is that Jenny isn't pregnant and the better new is that you're going to have a new little brother or sister.' approach," Matt said.

Cynthia smiled. "I don't think so honey. But I would be in favor of waiting until our house guests depart to break the news. Unless of course Jenny mentions something first. Alright time to go fix Christmas Dinner for 21."

Together they descended the west stairs. As they passed by the sewing room and the studio they heard voices coming from the studio where Jenny and Chris were painting. Matt smiled happy to see Jenny feeling well enough to be out of bed. He and Cynthia embraced as they walked towards the kitchen.

Meanwhile in the Camden's guest suite Sam and David were still amused with their new toys and playing nicely. Annie watched them play and watched Eric pace. Humorously she wondered if they would have to offer to replace the carpet where Eric wore a hole in it. After they had finished opening presents Eric had sequestered himself in their suite. He had been watching TV most of the afternoon which was very unlike him and concerned Annie.

When Ruthie came to tell them that dinner was ready Eric silently rose from the bed and followed Ruthie downstairs. This action also surprised Annie as she had almost expected him to refuse to join the Stewarts for Christmas Dinner. In fact she had been expecting that. It was almost as if Eric had given up with fighting, as if he had given up on Lucy and Annie wasn't sure she was ready to do that. Uneasily she led the boys down to the dining room.

Everyone else was already seated when Annie guided the boys to their seats. Matt said grace and then began carving the roast beef. Dishes were being passed around the table and Annie filled the boys plates as Eric seemed deep in thought. She cut their meat and then turned attention to her own meal. She noticed that they had been seated near Adam. Perhaps intentionally she decided as she heard Adam trying to discuss the ministry with Eric who merely mumbled, "We don't do that in our congregation," a few times.

Eventually dinner was over and homemade cheesecake was served for dessert. After the cheesecake Eric again rose solemnly and returned to their guest suite. When Annie finally returned with the boys he was again staring absently at the TV.

Unsure what else to do she turned her attention to readying the boys for bed. When Sam and David were asleep Annie changed into her nightgown and brushed her teeth and turned in herself. Although it was only 7:30 it had clearly been a draining day.

Lucy woke up on the 26th, remembering she had a doctors appointment at 930 which she wasn't looking forward to. She got out of bed and headed into her bathroom to take a shower then remembered she couldn't shower because of her cast. One handed hair washing was not a skill she had really mastered and she was pretty frustrated by the time she finally finished in the bathroom. Ruthie woke up as she was dressing. 

Ruthie rubbed her eyes sleepily, "What time is it?"

"Almost 8, breakfast usually starts around 8."

"Even on holidays and weekends?"

"Oh yeah, they're a big believer in consistent waking times. That way it isn't so ugly when the kids have to go back to school," Lucy restated Matt's logic.

"Probably true, but it's so nice to sleep in." Ruthie said stretching under the covers.

"Well I have to be up anyway this morning because I have a doctor's appointment at 930," Lucy said.

Ruthie was unsure whether the doctors appointment should make her more concerned about Lucy or not. As she thought about it more she realized that it probably was a good thing. "I think I'll just wear pajamas to breakfast" Ruthie suggested.

"Sure whatever." Lucy said heading out of the door to her room and down the hallway where she saw Derek coming out of his room. Ruthie hung back a little as she watched her sister kiss.

Lucy, Derek, and Ruthie came downstairs into the kitchen where Matt was still removing pancakes from the griddle. They wandered into the kitchen and sat down at the table that Kristin and Kati were still setting. While Danielle was pouring juice for everyone. Once again Lucy noticed that her parents, Mary, and the twins were missing from the breakfast table. She personally found her parents behavior to be extremely rude.

Matt came in with the pancakes and informed them that Cynthia was going to not be able to join them for breakfast due to an emergency at the hospital. He invited Adam to say grace and then they began to eat.

After breakfast Matt pulled Lucy aside, "I can certainly take you to your appointment this morning."

"Yeah that would be fine," Lucy agreed.

Later Lucy lay very still in one of the exam rooms as Dr. West examined her. It surprised Lucy that she didn't mention her arm since it had to be pretty obvious. Lucy winced a little as Dr. West mashed on her abdomen.

Finally she stopped and motioned for Lucy to sit up. "How are you feeling?" she asked sitting down on her little rolling stool.

Lucy thought for a moment. She hesitated but then decided to be honest. "Exhausted and weak and I'm always cold."

"I'm sure this weight doesn't feel very good Lucy. I'm very happy you can finally admit that to yourself. It's a big step. I have some concerns though!"

"Have you been using your IV fluids Lucy?"

"Not in the last week. My little sister is visiting for Christmas and she is sleeping in my room. I don't want to have to explain."

"Well I understand your discomfort but I'm not sure in this case you have much of a choice. Your bloodwork is alarming and you'll need to have some electrolyte replacement before you can leave the office. Or we could consider admitting you to the hospital."

"No, that would terrify my little brothers and sister!" Lucy was adamant.

"Well I think we can do the fluids here but if you don't start using the IV fluids at home I'm sure things will get worse and you may need to be admitted. You'll need to come back tomorrow and have your bloodwork repeated."

"Ok" Lucy agreed meekly.

"Your weight is also not encouraging. You have lost weight again this week. Have you given any more thought to an inpatient eating disorder program?" Dr. West inquired.

"I don't want to go there."

"Well Lucy what you want and what you need may be two different things. Perhaps if you wish to avoid inpatient treatment you should think about how you plan to start gaining weight. I assure you that if your weight is still plummeting in January I will not have another choice than to require you be hospitalized."

"I can't do that. I have school," Lucy protested

"Well then if you feel going to school is important then you need to think about how you plan to become healthy enough to attend school. I strongly recommend you deal with this eating disorder now or it will haunt you until you do. Why don't you dress now and I'll take you into our infusion room."

When Lucy finished dressing and stepped out into the hall she saw Dr. West talking to Derek's dad. Apparently the plan was that Matt would go to the courthouse and do paperwork and have lunch while Lucy completed her 2 hour infusion and then he would collect her and either drop her off at home or take her with him to Danielle and Kati's ski meets.

Lucy followed Dr. West into the infusion room where one of the nurses attached her picc line to some colored fluid. As she leaned back in the recliner by she saw a brightly colored folder on the table by her recliner. Inquisitively she picked it up, it reminded her of the glossy information booklets she had received when she had been applying to college.

Instead she realized she was looking at the Pembroke Regional Partial Hospitalization Program booklet. She leafed through pages talking about groups and activities and finally came upon a schedule:

Pembroke Regional Partial Hospitalization Program  
(Eating Disorder Program)

Sample Day  
9:30 Arrival, Welcome  
9:45 Breakfast  
10:15 Food/Feelings Group  
10:45 Morning Group  
11:15 Art/ Music Therapy  
12:00 Individual Sessions (For ED participants 2 therapist, 1 nutritionist, 1psych, 1 med)  
12:30 Self-Esteem Group  
1:00 Lunch  
1:30 Food/Feelings Group  
2:15 Afternoon Group  
3:15 Closing  
3:30 Dismissal

From looking at the schedule Lucy wondered if she could manage to arrange her classes around the program if it came to that. She preferred to avoid the whole thing all together but she had decided that if pushed to do the inpatient program in Philadelphia she would agree to the local day program. Lucy tucked the booklet in her bag and then really did lean back and sleep.

Meanwhile Ruthie was exploring the rest of the Stewart house. She was in the west hall behind the west stairs. Curiously she opened the first door where she saw a small couch, a long table with two sewing machines on it and three stools, a wall full of bins that held patterns, material, and other sewing supplies. She stepped into the room and opened one of the two doors in the room one of which went into a small half bathroom and the other which held a closet with an ironing board, and a sewing dummy. She thought she remembered her mom's mom sewing although she couldn't really remember she had only been four when their grandmother had died.

She stood in the room for a moment remembering her grandmother, and missing her. Eventually Ruthie crept out of the room and down the hall where she cautiously opened the next door. The second room was bigger, perhaps because there was only one closet to take up space. And Ruthie was drawn into the studio. She was looking around the room when she realized she wasn't alone. She screamed realizing that someone was sitting at the pottery wheel throwing a bowl.

"Shhhh! It's just clay, you don't need to shriek" Jenny said looking up from her work.

"Sorry," Ruthie said sheepishly. She looked around the room uncomfortably. It looked like there was all sorts of cool things but the pottery wheel and kiln were really intriguing to her. Her original elementary school had had an art club and Ruthie had loved pottery. She hadn't completely mastered the art of throwing bowls or pots but she had loved the feel of the clay and she had some plates at home she had made.

"It's alright. I just didn't want you to keep shrieking," Jenny said finishing the bowl she was working on and setting it on a platform with two other bowls that were smaller. It looked like one of those mixing bowl sets.

"Did you make those?" Ruthie asked impressed.

"Yeah, it's my Christmas gift to Chris' mom. His parents opted to go visit his sister and her family in North Carolina for Christmas but they will be back on Saturday and we'll be going to dinner with them on Sunday evening."

"Cool. I never quite managed to throw a bowl. It would always collapse." Ruthie admitted.

"It takes some practice the key is not thinning the sides too much. Also you can throw them upside down and some people find that easier."

"What do you mean?" Ruthie asked eyes widening.

"Here let me show you." Jenny tossed a generous mound of clay onto her wheel and made a hole in the center. Slowly she worked the sides up and then started collaring the sides and she was forming a cone shape. "Basically you just keep flattening out the top and eventually you have only a small hole that you can close."

"We never tried it that way in school."

"Sometimes it's easier. I make vases that way."

"Wow how did you learn all this stuff?"

"I took a pottery course last year in the fall and then I took form and sculpture in the spring which reinforced some of the same concepts."

"Cool are you an art major?"

"Well art and math. I'm double majoring."

"I've thought about doing art. Whenever I say that my parents get these weird looks on their face."

"Well you've got to do what makes you happy. My biological dad was an attorney so I thought about that in hopes that we might become closer if I studied law. I hated it."

"Your biological dad?"

"Matt and Cynthia aren't my real parents."

"So you're like adopted?"

"Yeah basically. It's kind of a long story. Anyway the point is that parents have to love you as you and if they don't they probably won't love you if you try to be someone else either."

"My parents love me," Ruthie said indignantly but in her heart she wondered if they really did.

"I'm sure they do Ruthie. And I'm sure they'll love you as an artist or a lawyer or whatever it is you end up doing."

"Simon's more the lawyer type."

"I see." Jenny said closing the bottom of the bowl.

"But Matt and Cynthia love you as an artist?"

"They love me as Jenny. I happen to love art and geometry which is probably what I'll end up doing my PhD in."

"Geometry?"

"The study of shapes and their properties."

"Oh yeah we did that some in school." Ruthie said. Out in the hall Cynthia heard the snatch of their conversation and remembered when she had heard Jenny explain geometry to Kati.

Jenny had been lying on the couch in the solarium extension of the kitchen one Saturday last fall reading about Euclid when she and Matt had brought Danielle and Kati home from their victorious soccer games.

Kati had scampered across the kitchen and sat on the window seat near Jenny. "We won our game. The other team couldn't even score once and we scored 4 times."

"That's nice. Did you score any goals?" Jenny really was trying to talk to Kati she just had no idea what to say.

"Yes, I scored 3 goals. Danielle's team won too. Danielle scored 5 goals. Danielle is very good at soccer."

"Yes I guess she is." Jenny could tell the conversation was going nowhere fast.

"What are you reading?"

"Euclid"

"What is Euclid?" Kati asked

"More who, he was a mathematician. He did geometry."

"What is geometry?"

"Kind of like the study of shapes and their properties."

"You mean like triangles?"

"Yeah, triangles, circles, even rhombi." Jenny was actually sort of starting to enjoy the conversation.

"What is a rhombi?" Kati giggled, it sounded like a funny word to her.

"It's the plural of rhombus"

"Two rhombus are a rhombi and a rhombus is a shape? It sounds more like an animal, like a rhinoceros."

"A rhombus is a parallelogram"

"I'll be right back," Kati said and scampered away. Jenny was a little surprised when she did really come back in a few minutes with paper and her crayons.

"Can you draw a rhombus?"

"I guess." Jenny sat up, picked out a blue crayon, and drew.

Kati surveyed her work. "It looks kind of like a squashed square. Maybe it did get sat on by a rhinoceros.

"Maybe."

"So what makes it a parallelogram?"

"Because the opposite and adjacent sides are parallel," Jenny said pointing that out on the drawing.

"But a square is like that too."

"Yes and a square is a parallelogram too."

"Oh neat are there other parallelograms. A rectangle would be right?" Kati picked up her own crayon and drew a rectangle.

"Yes and a trapezoid is too," Jenny drew one of those to demonstrate.

"Like what the rhinoceros could stand on. Like if he was going to do tricks."

"Sure, I suppose." Jenny said.

Cynthia remembered standing in the main part of the kitchen preparing lunch and overhearing their conversation. She had always found Kati bright and amusing but she sensed a change in Jenny's voice she wondered if maybe she was enjoying the conversation. At lunch Kati quizzed them on parallelogram trivia beaming at Jenny over her lasagna. Jenny blushed but Cynthia saw her crack a few smiles. That had been one of his first indications that maybe things really would work out. She smiled again realizing how far they really had come with Jenny. It inspired her to keep trying with Laurel, she knew they would get there some day.

Cynthia knocked on the door to the studio.

"Come in!" Jenny called from the other side and Cynthia opened the door.

"I was wondering if I could interest you in lunch. Kristin and Paul went to take Danielle and Kati to their meet so they could start warming up. I think your dad is going to meet us there with Lucy and Derek, Adam was having a lunch meeting with Rev. Gilmore and I think the Camdens went out for lunch so I think it's just the four of us."

"My family forgot me!" Ruthie wailed.

"I don't think they forgot you Ruthie. Simon thought you wanted to go to the ski meet and your parents were not planning on being back in time so they thought you would have lunch here," Cynthia tried to explain.

"Lunch sounds great! Let me just wash my hands," Jenny said getting up and going into the darkroom to use the sink in there.

After lunch Jenny went upstairs to take a nap and Cynthia gave Ruthie and Simon mittens and hats before they headed to the ski meet. Simon insisted he didn't need a hat but Cynthia made sure she tucked a few in the car because she knew he would want one later.

They arrived at the golf course and quickly joined Lucy and Derek. Lucy was shivering, she had only opted to go to Danielle and Kati's meet because Ruthie had thought it would be cool. Standing in snow was not high on her list of enjoyable activities. She snuggled back into Derek's embrace as the first group took off in the girl's varsity race. Cynthia was explaining about stagger starts to Ruthie and Simon but Lucy quickly tuned out. She was still thinking about her conversation with Dr. West. Part of Lucy longed to just let go and let everyone else decide what was best for her. Perhaps the hospital wouldn't be so bad. Yet another part of her felt like she was losing something if she did that. What if they took away her eating disorder and there was nothing left?

Lucy was still deep in thought when she heard cheering erupt around her as Danielle skied across the snow covered green of the golf course to win the race. Lucy supposed she should be happy for her but she wondered if in the long list of Danielle's accomplishments this one ski race really meant anything even to her. Tears glistened on her lashes and noticing them Derek hugged her tighter and led her into the clubhouse.

As they went inside Derek said, "I can't let you cry out there the tears will freeze."

Lucy merely looked at him. "Luce it was a joke although it is pretty cold out. Talk to me."

"I think I need to go to the hospital."

"Now?"

"No, but I think I can't get better on my own. I need help." Lucy said with a fresh set of tears pouring out.

"We'll find you help Lucy. I promise. I know my dad has a list of places. My parents started looking when Jenny came to live with us."

"Did Jenny ever go somewhere?"

"No, they thought about it. Then she thought about doing the Partial Hospitalization ED program here but decided she would rather go to school and it's worked pretty well for her."

Derek's words made Lucy feel like a failure. She would rather just go to school too. Didn't anyone understand that? New tears formed on her lashes and she started sobbing.

Derek held her close until finally exhaustion took over and she was silent again. By the time Lucy had fallen asleep the day's races were over. Lucy didn't stir as he carried her to his father's SUV and gently set her in the car. He saw Simon and Ruthie's concerned faces and watched Kristin turn from putting her own skis in the hatch of the vehicle to lead them away to talk.

"Is she ok?" Matt asked his son concernedly.

"She's just upset dad."

"I want you to know that I'm really proud of you. You've grown up a lot this year. I remember when we let you go off to college at UCLA and I wondered if we'd ever get here. But we have and it's been a bumpy road but potholes happen."

"That they do, and remember that the next time I call you with a flat tire because I hit one and I've forgotten to either bring my spare or renew my autoclub card."

"You'll be happy to know that your mother and I renewed your AAA membership for Christmas."

"Woohoo!" Derek quipped.

"Why don't you take Lucy and your little sisters home and I'll go with Paul and Kristin."

"Are you going to talk to Simon and Ruthie?"

"Yes, Lucy asked if we would before and I think now is as good a time as any. If your mom comes home from the hospital before I get back just have her call my cell phone I'll leave it on."

"Ok, thanks."


	35. Chapter 35

Simon sat stoicly in the back seat of Paul's SUV as they drove around the golf course to exit onto Primrose Lane which surprised him since when Cynthia had brought them she had merely driven to the northeast end of Lilac Dr and then turned left onto Lexington Drive and proceeded east past Cypress Street and finally Lexington Drive had ended in an entrance to the PEMBROKE COUNTRY CLUB & GOLF COURSE. So he was a little suspicious with their rerouting. Especially when Paul turned left onto SUNSET AVE just past where the entrance to the highway was.

"Where are we going?" Simon asked.

"I thought we could stop for some hot cocoa before we went home. I know your sister wants to sleep and Danielle and Kati were anxious to shower but I thought you two would be up for it." Matt explained.

Simon looked at him skeptically. Matt and Kristin had also been skiing out on the course to act as spotters and they were both still wearing ski attire so he wasn't sure why they would be less likely to want to shower. He wondered if Derek was really taking Lucy home or if it was a ploy.

"Hey can we stop there?" Ruthie asked pointing at a Ben & Jerry's as Paul stopped for a red light.

"Sure, they have icecream and hot chocolate and some other things. I guess you probably don't have Ben&Jerry's in CA," Matt agreed. Paul managed to do a little creative maneuvering and pull into the Ben & Jerry's parking lot.

Simon was still skeptical as he followed Kristin, Paul, Matt, and Ruthie into the icecream shop which seemed to be decorated with black and white cows all over. The shop was pretty empty which made sense to Simon because why would you order icecream in the winter? Icecream and snow didn't seem to go together. Of course he did remember Danielle had served them icecream the first night they had been there so maybe the Stewarts were icecream people. Of course he supposed the icecream had been Ruthie's idea. By the time Simon was done analyzing he realized they were waiting for him to order. He selected Cherry Garcia and moved on in line, not really giving much thought to his choice.

When the girl behind he counter who looked familiar for some reason handed him his cone he followed Kristin and Paul to a table in the back of the shop. Matt stood at the register waiting to pay for the 5 cones. He handed the young woman who's nametag identified her as "Nicole" a twenty but she seemed distracted. He smiled warmly, and waited patiently for his change. He dropped one dollar bill and the coins into the tips cup on the counter, placed the five back in his wallet and dropped the remaining two dollars in the Children's Rights Fund box.

He licked his cone as he walked back to the table and sat down. Ruthie was talking about cows when he joined them. He informed her that the black and white kind were Holsteins, the kind his parents still raised. He was unsure how to approach the next topic so he took another lick of his cone. "Your sister wanted me to give both of you an opportunity to talk about your feelings," Matt began.

"Our feelings?" Simon questioned.

"You mean that Lucy is sick?" Ruthie asked.

"Yes, Lucy is sick. Lucy has an illness referred to as anorexia nervosa which..."

"So she does have an eating disorder!" Simon shouted, and then lowered his voice when he noticed that a little white haired couple had turned to stare at them.

"Yes," Matt answered simply.

"Well I'm glad that's all it is. Now she can stop being silly and start eating. She isn't fat."

"Unfortunately it isn't that easy for her Simon. Eating disorders really have very little to do with weight or even food. Not eating helps your sister feel like she's coping with life. Unfortunately it's a dangerous way to cope so Lucy is trying to find more healthy ways to express her feelings," Matt explained.

"She could die couldn't she?" Ruthie asked her lip quivering. It was a question she had been afraid to ask. One of the sites she had looked at the night before had included a memorial wall of people who had died as a result of their eating disorders. Ruthie had cried as she read the wall.

"Eating disorders can kill and some people do die before recovering or subsequently die from a medical complication of the eating disorder. I want you both to know that your sister is getting help and is working on getting better, and she loves you both very much," Matt finished.

"If she loved us she wouldn't do this," Simon challenged.

"I know it may feel that way but Lucy's eating disorder isn't because of anything you have done or not done. Your sister is unhappy and she doesn't like herself very much right now which may make it hard for her to always show you that she loves you. She came to me with concern about both of you. She wanted you to know the truth but she didn't know how to tell you. I think she didn't want you to be scared. But I disagree I'm not sure how you can not be scared for your sister. I think what is important is that both of you have people you can talk to about these fears and I wanted to give you that opportunity now."

"How can you tell me that Lucy could die?" Ruthie asked

"I can tell you that it could happen because as much as I wouldn't want it to it could. I can't lie to you Ruthie and I don't really think it would be helpful if I did. I can tell you that this family loves your sister and loves you and that no matter what happens we will be here if you need us," Matt finished as his cell phone began to ring.

"Good evening. Judge Stewart." he said hoping to hear his wife's voice but he was not so fortunate. What was it with the holiday season being the time to abuse your children he wondered as he heard from a caseworker who was in an ER in the northern tip of the county that they had a shaken baby case and needed an emergency placement hearing.

"Why don't you fax the case details to the courthouse and tell the parents I can hear this at 7pm. If they are in Herbertville it will take them at least 2 perhaps 3 hours to get here so and it's already 3:30." he suggested. So much for an evening with his wife Matt thought hanging up the phone.

He looked at Ruthie who had fallen into Kristin's arms. She was only 10 it was a lot to take. Simon was silent yet Matt sensed that his eyes showed more worry than anger although he didn't want to admit that. Finally Ruthie spoke, "Will you really take care of Lucy?" she asked.

"We'll do our best."

"My parents wouldn't understand they would think it was about food and they would yell at her to eat. Well dad did once some people at church said something to him and they made her eat but they don't know that she got sick after dinner that night. We couldn't tell Mary either she wouldn't understand and she would tease Lucy and it would probably just make her sadder," Ruthie spoke quickly sniffling as she talked.

Simon was still silent but finally he nodded. "She's right. Our parents wouldn't get it. I'm not really sure we get it but if you tell me what to do I'll try to do it."

"You love your sister. Let her know that, she will appreciate it even if it doesn't always seem that way. And realize that this is her illness you didn't cause it and as much as you probably want you can't fix it." Kristin said.

As they left the empty icecream shop Nicole looked up from her register. It finally hit her why the children looked so familiar, they were Lucy's little brother and sister. Lucy Camden had been her best friend from fifth through tenth grade and in many ways they had been so much alike. Lucy had been the only person who had understood what it had felt like to be uncomfortable in your own skin. Even after Nicole had moved with her dad to Chicago she and Lucy had written letters and emails. But all of that had stopped around the beginning of Lucy's senior year. She had received an emotional email from Lucy written at what would have been 1 am west coast time and although it had been jumbled and not made sense Nicole had wondered if she had been raped. She had called her friend as soon as she read the email but Lucy had brushed off her concerns and after that Lucy's email address stopped working. She had written a few more letters which Lucy never answered if she received them. And then she had tried to call one final time around the end of May, she and her mom were planning to move to middle of nowhere PA and she kind of wanted to let Lucy know her new address just in case Lucy ever cared to contact her. Lucy hadn't been home so she had tried to leave it with Mary instead but she wasn't sure if Lucy even got it.

Seeing Simon and Ruthie reminded Nicole how much she really did miss Lucy. It almost seemed ironic that Lucy had been her friend through all the awkward moments and now as her life was finally coming together she couldn't share the good news with her friend. Or was her life coming together? Nicole knew her dad questioned that. He was disappointed that she still hadn't finished high school, although she was doing home school and would plan to finish in the end of January. She would even be starting a class at Pembroke College for spring semester, and she was finally committed to fighting her eating disorder. She was enrolling in the Pembroke Partial Hospitalization ED Program in January when it became a new benefit year on her mom's insurance.

Then Nicole remembered what she had overheard. Simon had shouted loud enough for the entire shop to hear actually. Someone Simon and Ruthie knew had an eating disorder. She supposed it could be anyone but somehow in her heart she knew it was Lucy and that made her even more desperate to find her friend.

Paul pulled into the driveway and let his wife, father in law and Ruthie and Simon out at the top and then drove around the loop back down to park in the garage. Simon lingered outside, "Uh I'm going to go for a walk." he said.

"Ok, I'll come." Ruthie agreed.

"No!" Simon yelled and turned away.

Ruthie allowed Kristin to wrap an arm around her shoulders and lead her indoors.

Paul met Simon as he was trudging back up the driveway. "Whoa where are you off to?"

"I'm going for a walk."

It was almost 4 and the sun was beginning to set. Paul knew it would be dark in another hour or so. "Would you like some company?" he offered.

Simon hesitated. "Suit yourself," he finally muttered continuing down the driveway. Paul followed him pulling his cell phone from the pocket of his leather jacket and removing one glove to dial the familiar number.

Kristin answered the phone in the kitchen on the first ring. When Paul told her he was going for a walk with Simon she thanked him. Paul slipped his phone back in his pocket and followed Simon down the street along Lilac Park. Simon was silent as they walked, finally they reached the end of Lilac Drive where it connected with Lexington Drive right by Lilac Park Elementary the quasi private neighborhood school that first Kristin, then Bethany and Danielle and finally Kati attended. Simon loped across the street onto the school grounds. Paul followed him in silence until eventually they stopped on the school playground.

As Simon sat down on a swing he had no idea what he was doing. He wasn't five anymore on a kiddy playground. Paul joined him and sat on an adjacent swing. As they swung gently he smiled remembering happier moments playing with Kati on the playground and also a few significant conversations he and Kristin had had while swinging on the same swings.

"She's always been the fragile one," Simon finally spoke. "I guess I haven't helped it, I've kind of made fun of her insecurities. I didn't mean anything by it though, it's just brother and sister stuff you know?"

Paul nodded although he wasn't sure he really did know, he had two older brothers. He loved them both dearly but he also could remember some of their childhood skirmishes.

"Do you have a sister?" Simon asked.

"No just two brothers, Phillip, and Thad."

"Thad?"

"Well Thaddeus but I learned at a young age I wouldn't call him that and live very long. My parents were a little biblical in their name choice."

"Hmm. We have Matthew, Mary, Simon, Ruth, Samuel, and David. Oh and Lucy, even her name doesn't fit with the others. No wonder she feels like she doesn't belong."

"Kristin was right about what she said. You didn't do this."

"So how do I undo it?"

"Unfortunately she's right about that part too. You can't. You're human and as hard as it is to accept you can't fix other's lives. The Lord knows I've tried but sometimes you have to give up to God."

"What do you mean?"

"Do all that you can but let go of that which you can't. For months I've watched Kristin struggle with this pregnancy and I've done all I can to support her but hard as it is I've had to trust our Lord with her life and that of our unborn child. You have to trust him with Lucy. Perhaps in God's love she'll find her way back."

"Perhaps," Simon said although he wasn't so certain. He was afraid to admit to Paul that he wondered if Lucy even knew God's love. However even in his few days in the Stewart's house it had seemed more obvious than at home. He found that a bit ironic since their father was a pastor. He put his feet down and stood up off the swing.

Again Paul followed him and they started the walk back to the Stewart's in silence. They returned to 1872 Lilac Drive and opening the door a rush of warm air greeted Simon and he removed his jacket in the front hall. Kristin came into the hall and embraced her husband. "You have excellent timing. Dinner is ready. My mom is home and we're taking advantage of this moment."

Simon followed them into the dining room surprised to see that he and Ruthie were the only members of their family present. Derek explained that Lucy was still sleeping. Simon was surprised that his parents weren't back however they had been rather vague about their plans when they left around 10. There had been some mention of taking the twins to Sesame Place an amusement park outside Philadelphia but Simon had thought that Cynthia had tried to explain she thought it was closed for the season. Anyway Philadelphia was only a little less than three hours away so it would have been afternoon before they got there.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia Eric was anything but happy. Cynthia had been correct and Sesame Place had closed for the season in October. Then he had tried to take the twins to the children's museum but that had been a complete disaster as it was closed as well on the day after Christmas. Finally in desperation he had found a downtown McDonalds and allowed Mary and Robbie to venture off and find somewhat more adult food.

Around six pm they had regrouped, and begun the long trip home which fatigued Eric merely thinking about it. For some reason there was a lot of congestion in the city which made no sense to Eric the day after Christmas at 6pm. Of course he was unaware that there was a sixers game at Union Center which started at seven pm. Finally they reached the highway although traffic was barely moving on the interstate. Almost two hours into the trip when he was about to yell about the guy in front of him who had allowed someone to merge into their lane Eric noticed that his low fuel light was on. Fortunately traffic seemed to ease a little and Eric figured he could make it to a gas station, until he saw the sign that said next service area twenty eight miles.

Figuring he had nothing left to loose Eric drove onward. As he was perhaps fourteen miles from the service area the van began to splutter and then the engine died as Eric coasted off the interstate. However, he hit a pothole on his coast and ended up stopping very roughly and with a flat tire. The maneuver jolted his entire family awake. "WhaaWhaaaaaat happened?" Annie stammered.

"We ran out of gas." Eric said nonchalantly.

"How did we run out of gas?" Annie asked.

"Well obviously I didn't fill the tank soon enough!" Eric yelled.

The twins started to cry. "Uhh I think we have a flat tire too," Robbie observed. It was too much in frustration Eric hit the steering wheel which caused the horn to blare. The twins cried harder. In the back seat Mary rolled her eyes.

"Well give me the cell phone I'll call for help," Annie said exasperatedly.

Eric was silent. He just remembered he had left the cell phone on the bureau in their guest suite. His wife was looking possessed and he was afraid to tell her he had forgotten to bring it. Especially since he remembered her reminding him to grab it before they left.

Just then Eric picked up the glare of headlights in his rearview mirror. It seemed that someone had pulled over to help them. He instructed the family to lock their doors and then he cautiously rolled down the window. He was surprised to see a familiar face. "Reverend Camden, is everything alright?" Adam Stewart asked.

Honestly Eric was uncertain whether he would rather freeze to death or be rescued by the Stewart's son. "We ran out of gas." Sam happily volunteered from the back.

"There is a service area just up the road. Why don't we go get some gas and then we'll get you back on the road...just as soon as we change this flat" Adam said looking down at the driver's side tire. Loading the Camden Clan into his one of his parents two minivans he smiled realizing that while he had been annoyed the service station hadn't finished with his car in time for his trip to visit some old high school friends he never would have fit all the Camdens in his Honda. As always God had a plan.

Eric insisted on staying with the van. Adam tried to offer him one of the special placards the highway patrol recognized as a disabled vehicle, but still Eric insisted on staying with the van.

"So what brings you all the way out here?" Annie inquired as they drove.

"I was visiting some friends from high school. We're actually a little less than an hour from Pembroke."

"Oh I had no idea it all looks the same to me." Annie said.

They pulled into the service area and Adam let Annie and the twins out near the entrance to the restaurant and gift shop so the twins could go to the bathroom. He then drove over to the fuel island and hopped out of the van where he opened the back hatch and reached into the storage compartment below the floor where he found a spare tire bolted in the center. Two milk crates were positioned behind the tire. One contained a set of neatly coiled jumper cables, and tools to change the tire. The other contained a blanket, flares, and a first aid kit. Next to the second crate was an empty gas tank which Adam removed and then replaced the floor and then closed the hatch.

Adam shivered a little as he filled the three gallon tank. The temperature had dropped another ten degrees since the sun had set and there was a significant windchill factor. He paid for the gas with his credit card and as he opened the hatch again to put the gas tank inside he decided to suggest that Annie and the Camden children wait at the service area in the heated lounge area while he and Eric changed the tire. He pulled around by the restaurant and went in to find Annie and the children.

Not spotting the Camdens, Adam went into the gift shop where he purchased a pair of leather gloves for Eric and a few coloring books and crayons for the twins to amuse themselves with. As he was coming out of the gift shop with his purchases he saw the Camdens. He explained the plan to Annie, she agreed and he set out to drive back to Eric.

Eric was sitting in the van shivering when he pulled off to the road. Adam hopped out and handed him the gloves he had purchased which Eric accepted only reluctantly. He then set to work changing the tire on the van and finally they had Eric back on the road. Adam drove on towards Pembroke and Eric headed to the Service Area to refuel for the rest of the trip.

Perhaps Eric and Annie could have appreciated Adam's assistance and been more accepting of him and his family in the future. Perhaps it could have even renewed their faith in God that he had watched over them and sent help. It did neither. Instead they both resented that they had needed Adam's help and it only widened the gulf with their daughter.


	36. Chapter 36

_Several readers have commented on this being alternative universe from 7th Heaven. In a way that is true as my story delves significantly of course from the direction Brenda Hampton took when Lucy finished high school. At the same time I think that my characters may actually be more consistent and realistic with the way the characters had developed over Lucy's senior year of high school. Eric & Annie's reactions and approaches to dealing with the struggles facing their family seemed very acharacteristic and while I have amplified some of that for effect I'm not sure that Annie's reaction to Lucy's final plea for help in the Stewart's study (which comes up in later chapters) is inconsistent with the Annie that banished the children from the house. It is inconsistent with the Annie from earlier seasons but the show took a dramatic veer away from earlier season character development around this time anyway. _

_If any of you are Mary fan's I'd really love input on her character development and any suggestions on where to go. Although I don't think that it's realistic for the Camden's problems to be magically solved over the Holiday season I do plan to have Mary come to grips with her own issues and move on. I'm not sure exactly how I'll work that though (again suggestions welcome). In many ways Mary's scenes are very challenging for me to write as a lot of her senior year and beyond are completely inconsistent with the young woman she had become. The whole incident in the gym never fit for me I realize that Jessica Biel wanted to leave the show but honestly it would have worked just as well for her to have continued being Mary and sent her off to UNC or some other women's basketball power school on the east coast. _

* * *

It was after eleven when they finally returned to the Stewart residence. They were surprised to find Matt still up and wondered if he had waited up for them. In reality he was expecting a call from a caseworker regarding the case he had heard earlier in the evening. However, when he made the requisite trip to Mary's room and searched everything until he had retrieved her recent acquisition of fresh bag of pot she wondered the same thing. Mary was somewhat curious as to why Kristin or Matt hadn't told her parents, however even that threat didn't scare her much. She knew her parents simply wouldn't believe that she had done anything wrong. It was kind of cool actually.

Lucy awoke early, around three AM the next day. However, looking at the clock she realized she had probably slept for at least twelve hours. She yawned, stretched and was about to turn on the light by her bed when she remembered that Ruthie was asleep. Instead she crept out into the hall and eventually started down the stairs into the kitchen. She was surprised to see Adam sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar in a pair of pajamas. He had a glass of juice sitting beside him and was scribbling on a pad. Hearing footsteps on the stairs he looked up from his writing.

Lucy descended the final stair and turned into the kitchen uncomfortably. "Good morning Lucy," Adam began warmly.

"Morning." Lucy mumbled "Why are you up so early?"

"I suppose I could ask you the same question," Adam suggested jovially. He offered her a stool via gesture. Lucy sat down on a vacant stool. "Sometimes I wake up early struck with inspiration and I've often found it most productive to just get up and write my sermon then."

"Oh, well considering I went to sleep at least twelve hours ago perhaps I've slept enough," Lucy said.

"Sounds reasonable. Juice?" Adam offered standing to retrieve some from the refrigerator.

"Sure," Lucy said.

Lucy sat on her stool uncomfortably sipping her juice. She wondered how much Adam knew about her life, how much Derek, Kristin, or his parents had told him. Without knowing that she felt uncertain what to say.

Adam broke the uneasy silence, "Kristin tells me you're majoring in theology?"

"Well kind of, I'm double majoring in theology and psychology."

"Interesting I was actually a psychology major undergrad and then I went to seminary."

"Yeah Derek explained that," Lucy said. She had a feeling Adam had a point to the conversation and she felt like they were merely circling around it, and that made her uncomfortable. Without really understanding she found herself in tears.

Adam placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, "Lucy is something wrong?"

"I don't know, everything is just so messed up right now," Lucy said tears still falling.

"What do you mean?" Adam inquired.

"I feel like such a failure."

"Why?"

"I can't do this, I'm really trying."

"It's ok Lucy. You aren't a failure, we all struggle at times it's then we need to look to the Lord to guide us."

"I haven't prayed in awhile. I guess that's awful to admit to a minister."

"It's not something I don't hear often. Too often. I don't understand it but for some reason many people forget how to pray when they need the Lord's love and guidance most. It's sad because there really isn't a right way to pray. It's just a personal conversation with God."

"I don't know what to say."

"Why not tell him what you just told me? He's listening Lucy and he cares."

Slowly Lucy clasped her hands, bowed her head, and closed her eyes. She was silent but Adam hoped she was communicating with God. He as well closed his eyes and prayed for God to give Lucy peace, strength, and courage to battle her eating disorder.

They were both still in prayer when Cynthia came into the kitchen in a workout suit ready to head to the health club and then the hospital. She quietly went into the pantry and retrieved several power bars as Danielle and Kati came traipsing down the stairs.

Adam looked up to see his mother leading his younger sisters through the kitchen as they were munching on power bars. He met her eyes and she smiled at him. Lucy was oblivious to their entrance or departure still sitting silently with her head bowed and hands clasped. Finally she opened her eyes, "I'm not sure that was the right thing to say," she said.

"There isn't a wrong way to pray Lucy. As my favorite five year old sister pointed out, 'It's just talking to God, why do people have to make it hard?' I thought it was a good question and I wish I knew the answer."

"I think I need to go back to bed," Lucy said rinsing her juice glass in the sink and then placing it one of the two empty dishwashers before turning and heading back upstairs.

It was a little after 4 and still dark in her room when she climbed back into bed next to Ruthie who didn't even stir in her sleep. Lucy shut her eyes as well but she didn't sleep. As Lucy lay in bed gradually the sun started to rise and eventually it was light outside. It was then that she noticed the packages on the chair in her room. At first she was surprised and then she remembered it was her birthday. Excitedly she crept out of bed and across the room to the two gifts on her chair.

She opened the card first. On the outside of the card it said "Your Birthday is Very Special to Me" and on the inside it read "I'm glad you were born!" On the inside Derek had written:

Luce,

I love you! Happy Birthday!

Love,

Derek

Lucy's eyes misted at the card, she wondered if parents still felt the same way. They had been distant with her since their arrival with the exception of the episode in Derek's room on Christmas Eve. She had tried to talk to her mom a few times but she had always been distracted and that hurt. Lucy didn't really understand why her parents were staying if they hated her and resented the Stewarts what was the point? She knew she needed to make one final attempt to open their eyes about Mary. She had asked Kristin and the Stewarts to be there when she tried but she realized she wanted to tell Derek before she told them. She also realized she didn't want to tell Derek on her birthday, was it too much to ask for just one special day that she could look back on with only happy memories?

Meanwhile in Brooklyn Matt Camden sleepily hit his alarm clock and rolled over surprised to find that his wife Sarah's side of the bed was empty. Just then Sarah came in from the bathroom wearing Matt's robe with her hair in a towel turban. "The bathroom is all yours!" she said cheerfully sitting down on their bed and opening the bottom drawer of their dresser.

Matt yawned sleepily. He and Sarah had been in the anatomy lab until almost 10 last night and then had decided to stop for pizza on the way home. It had been almost midnight before he finally was in bed.

"Come on sleepyhead," Sarah nudged him again. "It's already 7:30 and I thought you wanted to leave by 8."

Grumpily Matt dragged himself out of bed and into the shower. Sarah finished dressing in a pair of jeans, a turtleneck, and shaker knit sweater. She slid her feet into a pair of penny loafers and ambled out of the bedroom into their small living room/ kitchen area. She set to work making a pot of coffee and then got out some cereal and milk. She poured a bowl of cornflakes for herself and one for Matt. She added milk to hers and sat down at the counter to eat. As she ate she glanced at the directions to Pembroke she had pulled up on the internet. It looked like the trip would take almost 4 hours but she wasn't sure that mapquest allowed for NYC traffic when calculating travel time.

Sarah finished her cereal and washed her bowl and juice glass as they were not fortunate enough to have a dishwasher in their apartment. When Matt was out of the shower she planned to finish her hair and brush her teeth otherwise she was ready to go. Sarah pulled out her anatomy text for a little review while she waited for her husband to finish in the shower. When they returned after New Years on January 2nd they had both their physiology written exam and then their Anatomy practical. Most of their classmates were spending the entire vacation locked in the library or anatomy lab. In some ways she was surprised she was agreeing to go with Matt to visit Lucy. However, she was the one who had suggested the trip.

When Ruthie had called on Christmas Eve Sarah had answered the phone. She had been disturbed to hear the terror in Ruthie's voice and as she and Matt talked about it later she became more concerned when he told her about similar previous episodes. Just then Matt interrupted her thoughts as he came out of the bedroom dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved polo shirt.

"I made coffee and poured you some cereal. I know you don't like it soggy so I waited for you to add the milk. I'm going to go finish my hair and brush my teeth."

Finally around 9 am Matt and Sarah were loading their bags into Sarah's honda civic that they were both sharing as there was no way they could afford to have two cars in the city. Matt started the car as Sarah got into the passenger side and they began their trek to Pembroke, PA.

As Matt drove Sarah found herself feeling drowsy and she laid her head back and shut her eyes. She didn't sleep immediately though as she thought about seeing Matt's parents again. She understood their concern of their son not marrying a Christian as her parents had wished her to marry someone of her own faith as well. Eventually though they had accepted that Matt truly did make her happy, and for that they were happy. She supposed at least on the surface Matt's parents had realized the same thing. However, Sarah couldn't help but think that they felt that Sarah shouldn't make Matt happy. In addition to the religion issue Annie had made her feelings that it was wrong for Sarah to pursue a career in medicine very clear. At first Sarah had been hurt but she had come to realize that her relationship with Matt was just that, HER relationship with Matt.

Sarah did drift off to sleep. She awoke a little before twelve when Matt was pulling into a service area along the interstate. "Nice rest?" Matt inquired.

"Actually yes," Sarah replied. "Ooh but my neck is a little sore," she said rubbing it. "Where are we?" she finally asked.

"I think we are about an hour away. Traffic wasn't too bad actually. We need gas and I'm starving so perhaps we should stop for lunch now."

"OK" Sarah agreed taking Matt's hand as they went into the restaurant. They had a quick lunch at the taco bell kiosk and then refueled and were back on the road. They drove along the interstate eventually Matt noticed signs for the two Pembroke exits.

"Do you know which exit we should take?" Matt asked.

"I believe it's the first exit," Sarah said.

"Ok" Matt said signaling and then moving into the exit lane. They stopped at the end of the ramp.

"Ok we want to go right onto Sunset Ave and then quickly make a left onto Primrose Lane" Sarah navigated as Matt drove. They passed the PEMBROKE GOLF COURSE & COUNTRY CLUB. "Ok, now we turn left onto CYPRESS STREET" Sarah instructed. "Now right onto Lexington Avenue."

Matt followed her directions easily. He remembered multiple family trips where his father had not listened to his mother's directions and unfortunately she was usually the only one who had looked at the map. The end result was usually hours rerouting and on one occasion they had run out of gas during one of their little misadventures. Definitely not a habit Matt wished to adopt.

They drove along LEXINGTON AVENUE past the grounds of LILAC PARK ELEMENTARY and then followed the road behind LILAC PARK and past several houses and small shops. Finally the came to an intersection with MAIN STREET. Matt stopped at the stop sign, "Which way should I turn?"

"Actually we were supposed to turn right onto LILAC DRIVE. But I would think that would be before we got to Main Street and it seemed to be that way on the directions. Why don't you turn left and then we'll find somewhere to turn around and try it again," Sarah suggested.

So Matt turned left and drove past the north end of the TOWN SQUARE and then the POLICE STATION, and FIRE STATION on one side of the street along with the PEMBROKE GAZETTE OFFICE, THE PALMIRA COUNTY HISTORICAL SOCIETY and the PEMBROKE LIBRARY on the other. Then they reached PEMBROKE REGIONAL HOSPITAL, a large sprawling medical campus. Matt noted the helicopter landing on the helipad near the ED in the background. "Well this is a really pretty little town to be lost in." Sarah suggested.

"True," Matt agreed. "Hmm signs for Pembroke College." Matt observed. Just before they reached the campus Matt saw an excellent turnaround opportunity in a nearby diner and took advantage of it. They retraced their steps and eventually Sarah pointed out LILAC DRIVE right as they reached LILAC PARK ELEMENTARY for the second time.

"I'm not sure how I missed that before," Sarah said. "Ok it's 1872 so it's, wow! this one right here." Sarah was a bit overwhelmed as Matt pulled into the driveway of 1872 Lilac Dr. Although Lilac Dr seemed to be one of the wealthier areas of Pembroke and large houses and sweeping lawns seemed to be the norm the Stewart's house still distinguished itself. However ostentatious wasn't the first word to come to mind as they parked by the stately colonial. Nervously Matt and Sarah got their bags out of the car and headed to the front porch.

Inside the house Matt was in the kitchen removing two cakes from the oven to celebrate Lucy and Jenny's birthday. Ironically on the same day. Cynthia had gone on a burn unit transport. Kristin had taken Kati and Danielle to their respective ski practice and Lucy, Derek, Ruthie, and Simon were all watching a movie in the rec room on the ground level. As they had the day before the Camden's had disappeared shortly after breakfast. Matt had tried to pin them down about their activities so he could plan when to have dinner as he presumed they wanted to celebrate Lucy's birthday. However, Eric had been frustrated with his simple questions and he had relented.

The sound of the doorbell interrupted his thoughts and he looked up at the clock. It was 1:30 he wasn't expecting anyone but he put the final cake on the cooling rack and went through the house to the front door. He opened the door to find a two young people probably in their early twenties he guessed. "Good afternoon, may I help you?" he inquired pleasantly.

"Yes, uhm I'm Matt Camden and this is my wife Sarah. I understand my family is here for the holidays."

"Of course. Come in. I'm Matthew Stewart, Derek's father. I believe your parents went out to do some sightseeing for the afternoon but Lucy, Simon, and Ruthie are here. Why don't you put your coats in this closet here?" Matt said directing them.

Matt and Sarah removed their coats and hung them in the hall closet. "Actually why don't I let you take your things up to your room and then I'll show you to our rec room where your siblings are watching a movie." Matt suggested leading them through the house to the west stairs and then up to another of the guest suites in the west wing.

Matt and Sarah set their bags on the bed impressed with their suite, it was nicer than some of the hotels they had stayed in. Then they followed Matt back down the west stairs and into the west hallway and then through the library and living room back into the front hall. They followed him further through a very formal parlor into the dining room and finally they ended up in a beautiful modern light and airy kitchen. "Your home is beautiful Mr. Stewart," Sarah commented.

"Thank you Sarah. Cynthia and I have both enjoyed making this really our home. The kitchen is one of our favorite rooms. We both enjoy cooking. Have you had lunch?"

"Yes we stopped along the way."

"Could I offer you something to drink then?" Matt offered.

"No thank you," Sarah said politely.

"Yes I'm fine," Matt agreed noticing the cakes cooling on the racks on one of the counters.

"Alright then let me take you to your siblings. This is a wonderful surprise for Lucy's birthday I'm sure." Matt said leading them down the stairs that led to the ground level. At the bottom of the stairs Matt led them into the rec room where Derek, Lucy, Simon, and Ruthie were all lying on the leather couches near the big screen tv watching a movie.

Matt and Sarah crossed the room and Matt started to sit down on the couch next to Simon. Simon moved a little to make room for his brother. "Hi Matt," he said absently not lifting his eyes from the screen. Then it registered what he had said. "Matt!"

Matt and Sarah were showered with hugs by Ruthie and Simon. Lucy hung back uncomfortably. Finally Matt and Sarah separated from Ruthie and Simon and came in their direction. Lucy plastered a smile on her face, "Matt and Sarah, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Derek. Derek this is my brother Matt and his wife Sarah."

Derek extended his hand to both Matt and Sarah and finally Lucy realized she needed to hug her brother. The hug felt stiff to Matt and she felt thinner than when he had said goodbye after their wedding he thought. He could feel all of her ribs. As he released her he noticed the cast on her left arm.

"Lucy what happened to your arm?" Matt asked as Simon and Ruthie slipped quietly upstairs.

Lucy hesitated, uncertain how to answer. She didn't want to be responsible for increasing the rift between her dad and her brother. She felt weird, kind of shaky and clammy and like she was going to be sick to her stomach. She also didn't want to lie and she knew Derek knew the truth.

"It was an accident," Lucy stammered.

"What happened?" Matt asked confused.

Lucy jumped up from the couch and ran into the bathroom off of the rec room where she vomited. Matt and Sarah exchanged concerned glances as Derek got up to check on her.

Lucy sat uncomfortably on the bathroom floor, leaning back against the wall. Derek noticed that her face was very pale and she was breathing quickly. He knelt down beside her and touched her cheek, "Luce?"

She didn't speak immediately. Finally she said, "I want to lie down, upstairs!"

Derek carried her past Sarah and Matt's worried eyes and then up two flights of stairs. As he tucked her into bed he hesitated, "Lucy I wish you could tell me what is hurting you."

Lucy looked at him, "I will I promise. I'll tell you tonight. I need to sleep now," she said shutting her eyes tightly.

Derek sat silently by her bed for a few minutes watching her at least feigned sleep. Then he rose and crept out of the room quietly. He walked slowly down the hall and finally descended the stairs into the kitchen. He realized he should probably go find Lucy's brother, he supposed he needed some kind of an explanation. But Derek was uncertain what to say to him so instead he lingered in the kitchen, exploring the refrigerator and finally pouring himself a glass of juice.

Meanwhile Matt and Sarah had managed to retrace their steps back up to the west stairs where their suite was. Matt had just presumed that all the bedrooms were together but as he wandered through the west wing he saw several empty he supposed guest rooms and one room that he thought might be his parents because he recognized Sam's Buzz Lightyear pajamas. "There are at least two other staircases, remember there was one in the front hall where we came in, and there were stairs in the kitchen." Sarah reminded him as they sat down on the window seat in the large bay window at the end of the hall that looked out into the snow covered backyard. They could see an elaborate swing set and then the path through the stone walls leading up into the garden.

"Wow, Sam and David would drool over that swing set. Although I guess it doesn't get much use in the winter," Matt observed.

"I wouldn't think so," Sarah agreed. "However there isn't any snow in the seats of the swings and I think you can make out some footprints maybe they did check it out," she added later.

"I wish I knew where he took my sister. I'm surprised dad left her alone in this house. That seems rather unlike him," Matt challenged.

"Well he left Simon and Ruthie too," Sarah said.

Matt had almost forgot about Simon and Ruthie in his concern for Lucy. "Of course Simon and Ruthie are here. Where are they?"

Matt was starting to get flustered and beginning to exhibit just a fraction of the Camden Irrationality Sarah had observed several times in her father in law. "Perhaps we should try the other staircases. Maybe they lead to separate wings of the house. This house is certainly large enough to have them," she suggested rubbing Matt's arm soothingly.

"Perhaps" Matt agreed allowing his wife to lead him back towards the west stairs. They were just rerouting through the library and living room into the front hall when the door opened. An athletic woman in her late forties with honey colored hair came through the door. She was dressed in scrubs and clogs and she wore a partly buttoned black wool coat over her ensemble. She looked tired.

In reality Cynthia was exhausted she had originally gotten up at four am to take Kati and Danielle to swim practice. She had swum her own usual morning workout and headed to the hospital to put in a few central lines and to round in the ICU and on her few pediatric inpatients. She had finally managed to escape the hospital around nine am. She had come home and enjoyed a late breakfast with her husband and daughters and then spent the few hours caring for their foster daughter Laurel who was still miserable with what Cynthia was less convinced was the flu.

Just as they were about to sit down to an early light lunch since Danielle and Kati had ski practice at one pm she received the call about the five year old in Muenster who had been caught in a burning home. Their burn unit transport team was being deployed and since it was a pediatric victim Cynthia needed to go with them. They had recommended that the ED physician intubate the child prior to their arrival but somehow he had felt uncomfortable doing that they arrived to a hypoxic five year old coughing up charcoal colored phlegm. The subsequent intubation had not been easy but Cynthia had succeeded and the child had survived the flight back to Pembroke. He had been settled in their burn unit on the oscillator with a reassuring second blood gas. She had managed to find an area of unburned skin to put in an arterial line and her friend Dr. Leo the plastic surgeon on call had taken over managing his burns.

Finally after two pm she had been able to head home again. All she really wanted to do was take a nice bath and perhaps even a nap before they tried to celebrate Jenny and Lucy's birthday. Instead she regarded the strangers that had just entered their front hall unaccompanied. Their home had always been the hub of their children's social circles and she was used to coming home and seeing unfamiliar faces but they were usually accompanied by one of her children. Since the two people standing in her hall appeared speechless she extended her hand, " Hello I'm Dr. Stewart Adam, Kristin, Derek, Danielle, and Kati's mother," she smiled a little at the last part although Kati often seemed to be five going on twenty she hoped she didn't really have friends who appeared old enough to be in college. Anyway Kati was still at ski practice with Kristin and Danielle.

"Matt, Matt Camden. I'm Lucy's brother. Do you know where she might be?"

Cynthia refrained from reminding him that she had just walked through the door. It was easier to try to find Lucy than restate the obvious. She led Matt and Sarah through the house, up the kitchen stairs and down the hall to Lucy's room. "Her room is here," she said knocking gently. When there was no response she opened the door a crack and noted a silent lump under the covers. She closed the door as gently. "Well she appears to be asleep so perhaps we should let her rest," Cynthia suggested.

However Matt noted that she waited for them to follow her before she started down the stairs. When they reached the kitchen she offered them food and drink which they again declined. "Well if there isn't anything else you need make yourselves at home. I've had a long day at the hospital and really need to just take a shower."

They waited until Cynthia had disappeared and then Matt headed back up the stairs. Sarah let him go. Lucy was his sister and so far nothing seemed to make a lot of sense.

Matt opened the door to Lucy's room and walked across the carpet to her bed. He sat down on the floor by her bed and watched her sleep for a moment. Her sleep seemed fitful and uncomfortable. Suddenly her eyes snapped open and she looked at Matt in fear.

"Luce!" Matt said concernedly.

"Yeah"

"What's wrong?"

"I just don't feel good. I'm sick Matt I need to sleep," Lucy said. It was only partially a lie. She truly didn't feel well her stomach still felt queasy and she was in a cold sweat. She flinched a little as Matt laid a palm on her forehead and shivered under the covers.

"What hurts?" Matt finally asked.

"My stomach," Lucy said. In reality it was more discomfort and nausea than true pain.

"You don't seem to have a fever," Matt surmised.

Lucy shut her eyes tightly again in response to his comment. However, Matt was not easily deterred. "Come on Lucy talk to me. We used to be able to talk and I know something isn't right."

Lucy thought about what Matt had said. She remembered a time when she had trusted Matt and Mary with all of her secrets. She supposed that when she had stopped trusting Mary she had become more detached from Matt as well, perhaps that wasn't really fair to him. Perhaps it wasn't really fair to her.

"What happened to your arm?" Matt asked again.

Slowly Lucy told him about the events of Christmas Eve. The pieces began to fit together for Matt. Ruthie's tearful phone call. Lucy's discomfort on the phone the next day. Yet somehow there was still something that didn't make sense. But for the moment Matt was afraid to probe deeper. So he pulled the covers up for Lucy and stroked her hair until she fell back to sleep.

_Coming Up in Chapter 37:_

_-Matt learns the other half of Lucy's secret from a most unlikely source_

_-Matt & Sarah fight _

_-Would Eric & Annie really skip Lucy's birthday celebration?_


	37. Chapter 37

_Ok yeah I should have updated a few weeks ago but I've been sick and busy and well anyway..._

_In a way this is the chapter that perhaps changes Matt Camden's life forever as he finally learns Lucy's secret in a very accidental fashion from perhaps the least likely source_

* * *

After Lucy had fallen asleep again Matt left her room in search of Sarah. He did not see her in the kitchen so he returned to their suite but she wasn't there either. He wandered about the Stewart house aimlessly for at least twenty minutes until he noticed Ruthie coming up the stairs into the kitchen. "Have you seen Sarah?" he asked.

"She was upstairs studying with Kristin," Ruthie informed him.

"Kristin? Who is Kristin?" Matt wondered aloud.

"Kristin is Derek's sister. She's nice, and she's already a doctor so she knows anatomy," Ruthie explained. Noticing that her brother still had a confused look on his face Ruthie said, "Come on I'll show you."

Ruthie led Matt back up the kitchen stairs and then straight down the hallway that extended straight from the top of the stairs. They reached the children's library at the end of the hallway where Matt saw his wife studying with another extremely attractive young woman.

"So if you go from medial to lateral you have the Femoral Nerve, Femoral Artery, Femoral Vein, and then the lymphatics which you can remember if you think of NAVELS with E being the empty space and S being the sex organs." Kristin was explaining as Matt approached.

"And the nerve lies outside the Femoral Sheath right?" Sarah asked.

"Right, which is clinically relevant when you are putting in femoral lines because as long as you know you are medial to the pulse of the Femoral Artery then you aren't going to do damage to the nerve. I always found it easier to remember the basic sciences if I tried to think about it clinically and I think my clinical rotations were easier for that reason as well," Kristin suggested.

"That makes sense. I can't imagine putting in lines or anything, it actually sounds a little scary," Sarah admitted.

"It can be. Femoral lines are probably the safest so I always prefer to obtain central access that way if I can. But at this point I've done a lot of IJs and Subclavians as well. Emergency Medicine is a high procedure specialty and I love doing procedures so that's cool."

"I don't think that's for me. I've thought more about geriatrics actually."

"You're a special person if you can do that. When I did my medicine rotation as a third year student it was kind of hard because the team I was on it seemed like we had all these patients who reminded me of my grandparents and we'd admit them and they'd tell me their life story and then they would die, and unfortunately a lot of times not with a lot of dignity which was sad," Kristin said her eyes misting a little when she talked.

"Yeah, I think I plan on doing more outpatient kind of stuff. I suppose it's too early to really tell though."

"Definitely, I mean I was definitely interested in EM when I started. My mom does critical care so I was exposed to that and that interested me. I really love the thinking on my feet, and opportunity to take care of so many different kinds of people, and the challenge of procedures that EM provides. For me it's a great fit. I've been offered a pediatrics fellowship and I'll probably do that as well and I'm sort of thinking about doing PICU."

"Pediatric ICU?" Sarah inquired.

"Yes, and it's pretty hard to do from just EM but I do know one of our PICU staff is originally EM trained and he's awesome. He was my staff when I did PICU in May," Kristin finished looking up as Matt unintentionally coughed alerting the girls to his presence.

"Oh hi honey," Sarah said. "I didn't even hear you come in. This is Kristin, Derek's sister. Kristin, this is my husband Matt."

"Hi." Matt said.

"It's nice to meet you Matt. I came in to check my email and of course seeing someone poring over Netter's brought back many memories. I really enjoyed anatomy but I can't say I miss the formaldehyde stench," Kristin said with a laugh.

"No, neither will I," Sarah agreed as they heard cries coming from the main hallway of the wing.

Kristin and Matt both went instinctively in that direction stopping outside Laurel's closed door. "I'm sorry it sounded like Lucy I was just concerned," Matt said flustered. As Kristin slowly opened Laurel's door he crept back into the library and tried to engross himself in studying.

Meanwhile Kristin comforted Laurel and helped her change into dry pajamas and fixed her bed with clean sheets. Later tucked back into a clean bed Laurel looked up at her with wide glassy eyes. "I want to make birthday cards...for Lucy and Jenny."

Kristin smiled she had always known that underneath the insolent and disobedient child that had come to them was really a scared but kind hearted little girl. "How about if I bring some crayons and paper up here and you can work in bed?" Kristin suggested.

"Can't I get up? I've been in bed for a long time."

"Do you feel like you can get up?"

"No" Laurel said bursting forth with fresh tears.

Kristin held her and patted her back. "I know Laurel it's hard to be sick and be cooped up in bed. Maybe you do need a change of scenery."

Laurel sniffled and nodded. "I could get up with help. Can I go into the library and make my cards there? I could do them on the computer."

"Ok, Lucy's brother Matt and his wife are studying in there but I think that could be arranged," Kristin agreed.

"I can be quiet."

"Yes I'm sure you can. Do you want to get dressed then?" Kristin suggested crossing the room and opening Laurel's dresser to remove a clean bra, underwear, and socks. She pulled out a long sleeved red shirt and then took a pair of overalls out of the closet.

"Can you help me take a bath first then?"

"Sure," Kristin agreed carrying the stack of neatly folded clothes across the hall into the bathroom. She got some fresh towels from the linen closet and started the water running in the tub. She then helped Laurel out of bed and across the hall into the bathroom and finally into the tub. She left Laurel soaking and went back to her room where she made her bed and picked up items of dirty clothes from the floor. She added them to the washer with the dirty sheets and planned to add her wet towels to the top of the load before starting the washer.

Matt and Sarah looked up from their books as Kristin returned with a thin child who Matt thought was perhaps around Ruthie's age. "Laurel this is Lucy's older brother Matt and his wife Sarah," Kristin explained as she helped Laurel sit down in front of one of the two computers in their library.

"Hi Laurel," Sarah said pleasantly. Matt nodded a greeting.

"Hi. I like Lucy, she's nice. Does she know you are here for her birthday?"

"Yes," Matt said.

"Oh," Laurel said thoughtfully as she looked at the clock on the computer and noted that it was 3:48 almost 4 o'clock. As Laurel opened up Print Shop and started working on her cards Matt and Sarah returned to their studies.

"Laurel I'm going to go see if dad needs help with dinner. Do you think you will be ok up here?" Kristin asked.

"Sure," Laurel said although she didn't really feel quite so sure. She continued working on her cards in silence. She was putting polar bears on Jenny's card and flowers on Lucy's.

As Laurel was finishing and printing her cards she could feel the fever coming back. She was cold and starting to shiver, suddenly she wanted to be back in bed and regretted her decision to get up. She couldn't fight back the tears anymore and started to cry.

Matt turned hearing the sobs. "Laurel?"

"I don't feel good," she said choking on tears.

"Maybe we should get you back into bed then," Matt suggested. He tried to help Laurel stand up but she seemed to pull back from him. She turned to Sarah and wrapped her arms around her neck.

Sarah picked her up surprised at how tiny she was. "How about if you show me which room is yours?" she whispered carrying Laurel out of the library. Finally they reached Laurel's room and Sarah carried her over to her bed.

Sarah sat down on the edge of her bed after she was under the covers. She brushed a wisp of brown hair that had escaped from Laurel's braid out of her eyes and looked down at her. "Are you ok honey?"

Laurel's lip quivered like a child trying not to cry. She sniffled and then took a deep breath. Sarah handed her a kleenex from the box by her bed and she blew her nose. "I wanted to be able to celebrate Lucy and Jenny's birthday."

"Maybe if you rest now you still can," Sarah suggested. "I don't think Lucy's feeling very well either unfortunately."

"Yeah. Lucy is sick like I am," Laurel said innocently.

"Yes colds can be contagious," Sarah said brushing the same wisp of hair across Laurel's forehead again.

"I don't think Lucy has a cold though, and I'm supposed to have the flu anyway. I meant about being anorexic," Laurel said drifting off to sleep.

Sarah sat on the edge of her bed for a few minutes watching her sleep before the words really sank in. Did Laurel mean Lucy had an eating disorder?

Sarah was debating what to do with her new knowledge when she noticed that Laurel's door was still open and that Matt was standing in the doorway. She wondered how long he had been standing there and if he had heard what Laurel had said. She got up from Laurel's bed and crossed the room to her husband where the look in his eyes told her he had heard every word.

Sarah hugged him realizing that words were inadequate. She gently shut Laurel's door and then followed Matt back down the main hallway and then down the connector hallway into the library. Matt was silent as they gathered up their books and atlases from the library and started down the front stairs. As they reached the first floor they nearly collided with Simon.

"Where have you been?" Matt asked.

"I was helping Danielle with some stuff." Simon said blushing a little. Actually he had been listening while Danielle worked on music for the orchestra concert at the 8th Annual Pembroke First Night Celebration.

"Danielle?"

"Danielle Stewart, Derek's sister."

"Ok," Matt said as he couldn't really think of anything else to say. He didn't think he should share Laurel's revelation with Simon and Ruthie until he had talked to Lucy first so he merely proceeded on to the west staircase and went up to their suite with Sarah.

In their suite he lay silently on the king size bed in their room staring at the ceiling as Sarah unpacked their bags. In a few minutes she had finished and she joined him on the bed. "Come on Matt talk to me."

"I don't know what to say. Maybe Laurel is confused."

"Maybe. Do you really think she is though?" Sarah asked.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Come on Matt you've seen the signs too. Lucy has lost a lot of weight and I thought her eating habits were concerning since we started dating last winter."

"Concerning?"

"Well she doesn't really eat. She does a lot more moving of food than anything else. I wondered over the summer if something was wrong," Sarah admitted.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I thought maybe I was reading too much into the situation. I had a good friend in high school who died from anorexia and it's always been an uncomfortable topic for me. I'm sorry Matt."

"Your friend died?"

"Yes she did. She was pretty weak and she developed an infection her body just couldn't really fight," Sarah explained her eyes filling with tears.

Matt knew he should comfort his wife but somehow he couldn't. "So she didn't really die from an eating disorder. She had an infection!" Matt challenged.

"She had pneumonia, but she also was severely underweight and that was what kept her body from being able to mount the immune response it needed." Sarah finished getting up and walking out of the room.

Matt found himself unable to go after her. He didn't want to hear about people dying from eating disorders, not if that meant that Lucy could die.

Sarah stumbled down the west staircase through her tears. She had never really stopped thinking about Maggie but she supposed she had reached a point where the pain wasn't as raw and suddenly the wounds had been reopened. As she stood in the west hallway she realized that all she wanted was a quiet place where she could cry. She opened a door into a darkened room, but by the glow of the hallway light she found her way to the couch and sunk down there to cry.

It was a little after five when Kristin went into the sewing room to box up the jumper she had sewn for Jenny's birthday. As she opened the door fully she was startled to see someone on the couch. She turned on the light to see Sarah still sobbing on the couch.

Cautiously Kristin sat down on the couch, "Sarah? Is there anything I can do for you?" Kristin asked.

Sarah raised her head from her hands unable to speak. She shook her head and dabbed at her eyes with the kleenex Kristin was handing her.

"Are you sure I can't help in some way?" Kristin asked.

"No I don't think so," Sarah finally said.

"Do you want to be alone I just came in to wrap this gift I made for Jenny's birthday. I can box it up somewhere else," Kristin offered.

"No, it's alright," Sarah began. "Does Laurel have an eating disorder?" she asked as an afterthought.

Kristin took a deep breath, "Yes, I think it's starting to get better. I think she's finally starting to realize how dangerous it can be and starting to care." She wondered what prompted Sarah's concern.

"I'm glad she's doing better. I think I need to take a walk before dinner," Sarah said standing up from the couch.

"Would you like to come to the grocery store? My dad doesn't have enough candles for both cakes and we may need more milk for the morning." Kristin offered.

"Sure, I think I just need to get out of this house," Sarah agreed.

Kristin grabbed her keys and both girls took their coats from the closet in the hall and they stepped out onto the front porch. It was crisp but not bitter cold and the Christmas lights and floodlights lining the paths and driveway provided more than adequate light. Kristin opened the garage door and then led Sarah to her car.

As they drove through the quiet neighborhood Sarah glanced out the window more to avoid her thoughts than to really look at the passing landscape. Kristin turned right on Main Street and proceeded all the way down to Sunset Avenue which Sarah realized must be the commercial section of the town.

Kristin pulled into the Pathmark parking lot in silence. She parked and then grabbed her purse and dashed into the supermarket with Sarah. Figuring she only needed a few items Kristin grabbed one of the baskets as opposed to a cart. She stopped first in the pharmacy section of the store and picked up two more bottles of the bubblegum flavored tylenol suspension that Laurel had been going through at a rapid rate, and then proceeded along to the baking aisle to pick up birthday candles. She allowed Sarah to follow her in silence, she had made several efforts at conversation on the drive to the store and had decided that she should respect Sarah's silence. She put two more boxes of birthday candles in her basket and started to turn in the direction of the dairy annex of the store for the milk when she heard someone call, "Kristin!!!!!"

She turned to see Troy Moses one of her best friends from high school. She and Troy had both played soccer at Pembroke High, Troy was the boys varsity goalie and a legend at least in his own mind. When he was a junior he had a three game shutout streak going and was on top of the world until they were practicing drills with the girls varsity team and a nearly twelve year old freshman scored on his goal. Troy eventually swallowed his pride and congratulated her on her amazing feat and they subsequently became good friends. They dated briefly towards the end of that year and Kristin went to his prom which caused at least a modicum of uproar especially since Adam thought Troy was too old, her mother's parents had a cow because Troy was black, and Danielle had reminded the entire family at the dinner table that "Troy was the boy Kristin scored with". While everyone was choking on their soup Kristin had pointed out that she had scored on not with Troy.

Their relationship had been short, however their breakup merely allowed their friendship to intensify Kristin realized as she fell into his embrace. "It's great to see you, I loved the tie, and I'm actually wearing them now because I'm doing an externship." Troy whispered releasing her gently.

"I'm glad. I ran into your mom in the mall last weekend actually and she told me you wouldn't be home until after Christmas this year. I'd like you to meet my friend Sarah Glasse" Kristin said warmly.

"Yeah our term actually finished today, our last exam was yesterday so going home for Christmas wasn't an option." Troy said. He was in his final year of law school.

"Will you be coming to our New Year's Eve Party?" Kristin inquired.

"Yes, and I'm hoping my girlfriend Lisa can join us. I'd love for you to meet her."

"That would be nice. I should probably go because I'm holding up dinner and birthday cake until I return with these candles," Kristin said smiling.

"Bye Kristin, it was nice to meet you Sarah," Troy called as Kristin and Sarah headed in the direction of the dairy case where Kristin grabbed a gallon jug of skim milk and then proceeded to the check out line.

Troy stood a moment in the aisle watching her. He and Kristin had been friends for over a decade but she continued to concern him deeply. He knew of her health issues and how terrifying it must be to be pregnant. He had to admit he had been surprised when Kristin had told him she was going to marry Paul Nelson in February. She and Paul had dated since her third year in medical school but Troy knew their relationship had been awkward at times. When Kristin had called him on Groundhog's Day he had expected her to tell him that she had finally ended things with Paul not that they were getting married in June.

His girlfriend Shelby had mistook his concern about their marriage as him still having feelings for Kristin. He of course had made the mistake of telling her that he would always have feelings for Kristin as she was his best friend which didn't go over well. He had attended Kristin and Paul's lavish wedding in June alone, which in retrospect he supposed was perhaps the only way to attend an ex-girlfriend's wedding.

He remembered how touched Kristin had been that he could come but more importantly the conversation they had had by her parents pool the night before her wedding. Troy had lingered behind after the rehearsal dinner which had deviated slightly from tradition and been held on Kristin's parents side patio by the pool. They had begun to talk but of course their conversation was interrupted by several of her bridesmaids anxious to get their "girl's night in" underway and reluctantly Troy had released her after another hug.

After he had left the Stewart's that evening he had been unable to get Kristin off of his mind. Finally a little after 9 he returned to her parents house. As most of her friends had turned in early for their beauty rest they were able to talk.

They had sat on the side patio by the pool which was all lit up at night with the fountain in the center still turned on. Slowly they had talked about Paul and how he had become important in her life. Kristin had conceded that things had been rocky but she was confident that she and Paul would make things work as long as they both kept trying. Interestingly in the first six months of their marriage Troy had had the opportunity to see more of Paul and was beginning to believe Kristin was right.

It was six pm when Kristin and Sarah returned home. Sarah silently followed Kristin up the driveway lost in her own thoughts, and then along the snow cleared and lit path that led to the side patio. Kristin opened the french doors that led from the patio to the kitchen and Sarah followed her inside.

In the kitchen Matt and Cynthia Stewart were finishing up dinner preparations with help from their youngest daughters. Kristin set the grocery bag on one of the counters and first removed the milk which she added to the refrigerator. She then removed the 2 packages of birthday candles, and the 2 boxes of children's tylenol. As she was doing this she said, "Sarah I'm not sure if you've met my parents and Danielle and Kati yet. Folks this is Sarah Glasse, Lucy's older brother Matt's wife."

"Yes we've met," Sarah said.

"I think dinner is ready. Why don't we try to find everyone for dinner, especially our two birthday girls." Matt suggested.

Danielle and Kati happily scampered off to find everyone and Kristin folded up the grocery bag and placed it in the recycling bin in the closet recycling center. "Do you want the candles on the cake?" she asked her dad.

"Sure," Matt agreed and Kristin set to work.

Sarah stood uncomfortably in the Stewart kitchen. She had a feeling dinner would definitely be interesting and perhaps a disaster. She thought back to Passover the previous spring when Eric Camden had gone ballistic at their house.

Eventually around 6:30 the entire Stewart family, most of the Camdens and various guests had assembled at the dining room table. The only people missing were Eric, Annie, Mary, and of course the twins. Matt Stewart surveyed the room, he was leary about starting without Eric and Annie and couldn't believe that they would intentionally miss an opportunity to celebrate their daughter's birthday.


	38. Chapter 38

_Sorry...I've written a lot more of this but I guess I get lazy about uploading when I don't really get much feedback. Anyway here is Chapter 38 :)_

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Eventually around 6:30 the entire Stewart family, most of the Camdens and various guests had assembled at the dining room table. The only people missing were Eric, Annie, Mary, and of course the twins. Matt Stewart surveyed the room, he was leary about starting without Eric and Annie and couldn't believe that they would intentionally miss an opportunity to celebrate their daughter's birthday.

Simon was surprised to see Robbie had joined them. He had thought Robbie had gone off with his parents before, he didn't realize that Robbie had had about enough of his dad's temper and had spent most of the day looking at colleges online. Simon was also surprised to see his parents be so rude, he was no longer surprised by his father's temper it had been escalating over the years. Perhaps the only real difference was that his brother Matt who had been the favorite target in the past had moved across the country. But his parents had to know that Lucy was the sensitive child in their family and to miss her birthday would hurt her very much.

Feeling slightly uncomfortable Matthew Stewart began the evening prayer, thanking God for children everywhere but especially for Jenny and Lucy who's birthday they celebrated today. As he finished the rest of the table contributed to the collective amen and then dishes were passed and people began to eat.

Matt Camden watched Lucy closely over dinner noticing what his wife had pointed out earlier. A few bites of fish and rice did make their way to her mouth but mostly she moved the food around on her plate which concerned him.

Lucy felt Matt's eyes. She reached for Derek's free hand under the table and squeezed. She realized that Ruthie or Simon had probably told Matt and she supposed she couldn't blame them. She thought back to how she was when she had been ten and fifteen she guessed she probably would have told. She supposed she couldn't be angry, after all she had tried to tell her parents about Mary. They hadn't listened but she had tried.

After dinner was over and the table was cleared and the dishes were loaded into the dishwasher Matt and Cynthia brought in two huge cakes. The one they set in front of Jenny was frosted white with polar bears and penguins lounging on the silvery center of the cake which was supposed to represent ice. There were scattered pinetrees and even a little igloo.

Lucy's cake was pink with hello kitty figurines scattered across the cake. "You love it right?" Ruthie had asked hesitantly as Matt set the cake down in front of her.

"Sure," Lucy said getting up and walking around the table to hug her younger sister. When Lucy returned to her seat she noticed Danielle, Kati, and Kristin raising their instruments. As they began to play "Happy Birthday" Cynthia lit the candles on both cakes and then Adam dimmed the dining room lights. On the second round of the song everyone joined in and sang and then finally Lucy and Jenny blew out the candles.

As the cake was being cut Lucy pretended to be happy. She wanted to be happy but she still couldn't believe that her parents had skipped her birthday. She knew they were mad at her but she hadn't realized they would really not celebrate her birthday. It was almost like they were disowning her. She was lost in her thoughts enough that she didn't hear Matt asking what kind of ice cream she wanted. Embarrassed she decided to try the chocolate chip cookie dough, she wasn't really planning on eating it anyway.

After cake and ice cream while Matthew and Cynthia Stewart were cleaning up everyone else moved into the living room to open gifts. Sarah reached for Matt's hand as they walked towards the living room but he pulled away. She had noticed he had stared at Lucy through the meal and she sensed that he was accepting the ugliness of reality.

When Matt and Cynthia returned Lucy and Jenny began opening their gifts in turn. Lucy was somewhat miffed to have to share her birthday. Why did it always happen that way? When she had dated Jimmy Moon his best friend had had her birthday now she had to share the day with her current boyfriend's sister. As Lucy worked through her gifts she got lots of stuff from the bodyshop one of her favorite stores. She was surprised to receive gifts from both Derek's parents and grandparents. Eventually all the gifts were opened. Derek's grandparents headed home.

Matt and Cynthia went upstairs together to put Kati to bed, leaving the rest of the group in the living room. Danielle excused herself to get ready for a date with Jordan. Kristin went to help Laurel back upstairs into bed and Lucy realized if she didn't act quickly she'd end up talking to Matt. Lucy turned to Derek and whispered, "Let's go talk". Derek obligingly took her hand and led her upstairs to his room.

Matt and Sarah watched her go. Frustrated Matt stormed off and up the west stairs to their guest suite. Sarah let him go, she wasn't sure there was anything she could say to him anyway. She looked at Ruthie and Simon uneasily, " Goodnight! I really need to study," she said heading in the direction of the stairs as well.

Jenny and Chris announced their intention to go rent a movie and Ruthie and Simon decided to accompany them. Ruthie and Simon were silent as they drove to the blockbuster's on Sunset Avenue. Jenny took Chris' hand as they walked into the shop. Chris was trying to convince Ruthie and Simon that they were dying to see the Scooby Doo movie but somehow they weren't quite buying his ploy. Jenny smiled. Chris was a huge Scooby Doo fan. She picked up a movie and started to read the jacket and then jumped when she felt someone step on her foot.

"Ouch!" Jenny yelped almost involuntarily and lifted her eyes to see a thin girl with long hair.

"Sorry I wasn't paying attention to where I was going!" Nicole said. But then she noticed Simon and Ruthie. She wondered if the Camdens had moved to PA as well. She thought that maybe Lucy's grandparents had been from there maybe they were visiting for the holidays but Nicole had met Lucy's grandfather and all of the people she had seen Simon and Ruthie with looked unfamiliar.

"It's ok," Jenny said meekly, noting that Ruthie had caved to Chris' Scooby Doo idea as she followed them to the register where Chris paid for the rental.

Nicole followed them from the store. She started her engine and then waited until the guy they were with started to pull out of the parking lot. She followed them down Sunset Avenue until they finally turned left onto main street. She almost lost them at one of the lights on Main Street but fortunately Chris stopped for the yellow light.

As they drove through the Lilac Park neighborhood Nicole was impressed by the large lavish homes. She wondered how the Camdens would afford such a place, remembering how they had always told Lucy that her new wardrobe was over budget. Another thought struck her, her mom worked for a cleaning service that cleaned many of the homes in the neighborhood she wondered if maybe her mother cleaned the Camden's house. Ahead of her Chris slowed and then pulled into the driveway at 1872 Lilac Drive. Nicole drove forward a few feet and then pulled her boat of a car over to the side of the street and wrote down the address.

Meanwhile Lucy sat uncomfortably on Derek's bed hugging a pillow as she told him the truth about Mary. She couldn't quite bring herself to admit the part about Brett but she had told him the rest from Mary's trashing of the school gym to her drug use to Lucy's initial efforts to tell their parents. She even told him about a few of the physical altercations they had had when Mary had been high. She finished by telling him she planned to make one more effort at telling her parents the truth about Mary but that she had wanted to tell him first. She finished in tears and allowed Derek to hold her while she cried.

She snuggled in Derek's embrace for almost an hour. Eventually she pulled herself together and he led her down the hall to her room. She was surprised to find her older brother there waiting for her. "Hi Matt." Lucy said wearily removing a nightgown from her dresser. "I'm really tired can we just talk in the morning?" Lucy suggested.

"Maybe you wouldn't be so exhausted if you ate," Matt countered.

"Perhaps," Lucy conceded. She realized she was sort of admitting to her eating disorder but she was sick of hiding it. She knew she needed help and she was ready to admit that to Dr. West when she went back to see her after the holidays. "But really Matt I need to sleep now."

"It's only barely nine pm Lucy." Matt challenged.

"Yeah and I'm usually in bed by then. Now I have to go to bed, we can talk in the morning," Lucy said going into her bathroom to change into a nightgown and brush her teeth. To her dismay Matt was still in her room when she opened the door again. Without speaking to him Lucy pulled back the covers and got into bed hoping he would take a hint.

"Do mom and dad know about your eating disorder?" Matt asked.

Lucy realized that was the one thing he could hold over her head, although she couldn't really see Matt telling them for several reasons. If for no other reason there was the fact that Matt hadn't voluntarily spoken to their dad after marrying Sarah. Yet Lucy was afraid to call his bluff. "No," she said meekly.

"Interesting," Matt said.

"They have no reason to know. I'm getting help."

"Are you really?" Matt asked.

"Yes, I have an ed specialist and a nutritionist and everything."

"Are they impressed with your progress?" Matt asked.

Lucy was silent, why did he always have to ask the hard questions. "Well no but I'm really trying. I think maybe I can't do this out of the hospital though. I go back to see Dr. West on January 2nd and I'm going to tell her that I'm going to do the partial hospitalization program then." Lucy said.

"What is that?" Matt asked. The conversation wasn't going the way he had anticipated but perhaps it was going better than he had anticipated. Lucy's logical and rational approach to her eating disorder surprised him. Especially since when he had snuck into what he presumed was Cynthia's study on the second floor of the west wing and read about eating disorders he had realized they were anything but rational. He also realized he had had no idea how dangerous they could be. There was an entire chapter in one of her critical care books about the medical complications of eating disorders.

"Here," Lucy said handing him the folder she had picked up at Dr. West's office the day before. As Matt read through the packet he realized perhaps Lucy did know what she was doing. It was hard for him to think of her as anything other than the emotional fifteen year old she had been once but perhaps she really was growing up. After all she had just turned nineteen, when he had been nineteen he had been adamant he was an adult and resented his parents efforts to treat him otherwise. Perhaps he owed Lucy the same.

"This sounds like it could help Luce. I think you should do it."

"I know, I don't want to but Dr. West would say that what I want and what I need may be different things and I guess I need to do this."

"I love you. Sarah and I really aren't that far away I just kind of got too caught up in medical school. We could be here in hours if you needed us. Please remember that."

"I'll try" Lucy said. They talked for awhile longer, but Matt could see Lucy's eyes drifting closed. He realized she probably really was tired and decided he should let her sleep.

Matt leaned down and hugged her and then kissed the top of her head. "Goodnight Lucy sleep well," he said as he turned off the light on the way out her door. He then headed back downstairs realizing he needed to talk to his wife.

When Matt returned to their guest suite Sarah was already asleep. He changed and got into bed beside her uncertain if he should wake her. He decided against it but sleep was a long time coming for Matt. He was still lying in awake in bed an hour later when he heard his parents coming home. They weren't exactly being quiet about it either and that disturbed him as well.


End file.
